Where did I go?
Posted by Anonymous in Spouse on Sep 9th, 2008 | 15 commentsHave you ever had those moments where you look back and can see your self when you were at the peak of adult hood. Not knowing where your life was going to end up? I use to look back every so often and smile. Now I look back and wish for those days again.
I’m married with two wonderful children. I do love my husband but lately I can’t seem to be me. My whole day revolves around my children and my husband. I gave up everything to have this family. I gave up my job ( active duty ) moved around the US for him. I haven’t seen my family for years now. I just recently saw my mother for the first time in a long time. I pretend that everything is great between us but it’s not. Yes I still love him but I miss the way we used to be. I know sex isn’t a big part of a marriage but I need it more then he offers it. Our sex life is down to twice a month and even that is pushing it. I feel like since I’ve gained weight after having two children he doesn’t find me attractive anymore. I’m not the 115lb girl he first met. I’ve changed. I feel like he only stays with me for the kids. Every night when I go to bed I wonder what it would be like to be with a man who is affectionate and romantic hell if spontaneous. I don’t have any of that. No presents on my birthday, V-day or anniversary. Some days he doesn’t kiss me until I am going to bed ( he works nights ). I don’t just want to give up on my marriage but at some point shouldn’t I start doing things to make me happy. I want to make friends yet I lack the motivation to go out and make new friends. I lack the motivation to go to the gym and work out. I need help…maybe this is the first step to being happy…
15 Responses to “ “Where did I go?”
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you know wot, i dont usually comment here, but i could resist this time, YOU are right, this confession was your first step towards helping YOU! and you have done a brilliant job i would say, now take time and read your thing again, your answer lies in every sentence you wrote, Its your life, and your family is included in it, so take control of your life, i wish you all the best :)
hey dnt worry pls if ur husband dnt come near to u spontaneously thn why u nt pushing urself infrnt of him………take care ………
I don’t have a lot of good advice or anything for you… I just want you to know my situation is somewhat similar. I gave up my good military career when my spouse got me pregnant (he said he was sterile. I think he knew that he wasn’t.) And afterwards, he became the most controlling, jealous person I could never have believed I was married to. He wanted empty, emotionless sex and never me showed me affection… it was like being in a marriage alone.
Ultimately, I realized that he wouldn’t change. I tried for years to get him to but he never did – why should he? He got everything he wanted. I was empty inside. I decided that one life is too short to spend it feeling like a kitchen slave and a prostitute, so I filed for divorce. I don’t know how things are going to end up, but I do know that now my outer life matches my inner feelings.
I’m not recommending divorce by any means, but please know that you’re not alone.
i’m 28, single and have been wanting to get married and have children for as long as i can remember.
i also have an active job, a decent social life, dreams of being a writer and being size 16 or 14 or whatever it is.
i’m okay.. but i am very very lonely.
But dont you see that you can have the best of both worlds?
All you’ve got to do is want to be that individual again..
I have had a similar situation with my marriage this past year as well. Only difference is that my husband felt the way you do. Another words I wasn’t giving him the attention, the initial kiss good byes, the appreciation, the initiation of sex let alone sex, the feeling of being loved etc. We too have three kids and have been together for 18 years and are in our late 30′s. I had no idea the abandonment he felt till this year and he had no idea the loneliness I felt as well from him working such long hours. He just laid it all out on the line and told me how he felt and so did I. He even admitted that he too needed to appreciate me more and to be home more as well as being willing to shower me with things that he may find to be a waste but I love having such as flowers. We have since then gotten along so much better and are working to keep it that way, keeping in mind it takes two to keep a relationship strong with continual happiness…There is so much more but I wont elaborate on it. You just need to lay it down and tell him how you feel and if need be throw out the D word because you do deserve to be happy. My husband said those same words to me which was painful to hear. Knowing he wasn’t happy all this time.
If he cares enough and really wants to stay in this marriage and sees you are serious about finding happiness else where then he will make the changes as will you… You just need to be ready to hear from him what your faults are as well. I guarantee you the weight could be a major issue with him and he may not feel the attraction you want him to and ultimately if you love him enough and love yourself enough you can and will lose the weight and find yourself to be happier then you were before… ( I too was heavier at one time and have since lost it all (25 lbs) so I know the depression that comes from being over weight as well) Marriage is not easy and will never get easier but having my family together means the most to me and makes me want to make things better. You can only hope he feels that way too…. Good luck!
Oh and stop pretending everything is great! That’s your first mistake.. How can he fix it if he doesn’t know how you really feel? Marriage is not about pretending! It’s about honesty, trust, love and admiration for one another. Don’t expect to get it if you can’t give it……
I am sure you look just fine. As for loving your husband and looking after the kids, you do a good job. If things bother you this much? Tell him how you feel. Express your feelings to him. Tell him just how very much you love him and the kids as well. The longer this contunies the worse it may get. Tell him you need some time to talk to him. That you need to talk to him about things, If you don’t tell him he won’t know. Express yourself and just lay everything out in front of him. 2 years ago I got sick myself. I had a nervous breakdown, and I needed time to myself some and with him. And all I did was tell my husband, And we both are still together, 34 years. Just let him know how you feel, You may see a difference. Hugs To You,…………Good Luck, Let me know how it turns out. OK?
I know just how you feel. Well, I used to know just how you feel. First you need to sit doenw ith your husband and tell him all of this and then you should see your GP. There are many physical reasons for lack of motivation and unhappiness and your GP can do tests and help. You deserve the world. Go get it.
Honey, you have to take the bull by the hornes and make life go the way you want it to go. Your husband may be feeling the exact same things as you do.
Nothing will change unless you make it change. Step up and take charge!
i can relate to your post almost 100%..i have moved far away from my family n friends, i have cast aside my education and in a moment of strength i went back to univesrity for a year until he guilted me back to him and then i quit school …his family treats me like dirt..he owns the house…i just feel worthless like u say..i feel like a housemaid and a prostitute..he has his friends..they go out to the bar 2 or 3 times a week, he never invites me, he comes home late, he puts his friends and family over me…he insults me infront of ppl that know me..i just cant say how low of self esteem i have ..if any left at all?..im afraid the ones who will pay for his ignorance more than me with be our 2 girls…life is sad, i am sad all the time and its hard to take care of the kids when i feel worthless..i daydream about gettin a really good paying job and leaving him once a nd for all..ive been lonely and bored lately and have seeked out an affair online, just havent followed thru in person thou…life sucks
If you’ve gained weight, and it has affected your sex life, and you have a problem with your sex life… DUH. It’s your own fault. Work out, diet, and make yourself attractive for your spouse. Quit being lazy, selfish, and self-pitying and do something to save your marriage. And don’t give me a line of shit about how you “can’t lose the weight” after having children. It’s solid bullshit, and you know it.
This comment is for “watchinlifepassmeby”
I guarantee you your husband is cheating on you. Bars three times a week without you? that’s a given… Good for you for seeking attention else where. Now get a job and move on. The kids will cop better knowing you are happy then for you to be sad all the time. TRUST ME!
Hi girl!, I think the perfect word for u is empowerment. You are the only one that can live your life, and there’s only one, remember that. Talk with ur husband, tell him how you feel. And try to make changes in your life, for you, not for your family, for your kids or for your husband, if you are happy, and have good energy, the people would like to be around you, even if you’r not a cero size girl. Remember that your life is your, not your kids’ or your husband’s.
Good luck
Man you are a definite buzzkill. If you can’t find the time to pursue outside interest then it’s on you.
If you believe you are an empty shell then you are and its on you
And YES sex IS a big part of marriage. It affirms the physical aspect of being loved and desired. I bet he has some kinky website he goes to and he’s addited to internet porn, FIX IT!!!
Inasfar as your family PICK UP THE PHONE!!!!!!! You have a car GO SEE THEM!!!!! They are part of YOU & YOUR CHILDREN’S HERITAGE.
Marriage is hard work. More so than dating. You both have to work at it.
Maybe a marriage counselor would be in order here.
The weight thing is not really a factor. I bet he has a nice size beer gut you find sexy. True love sees beyond the mid section girth. Emotional feelings are deep and surpass all else.
it is truly sad that being married is like that. after being married for 5 yrs and being like that for 4.5 yrs. its getting better. I thought at one time I would be forced to live a double life to get affection from a woman. take care of yourself if he won’t. good luck