HELP ME PLEASE
Posted by running out of luck in Spouse on Jan 9th, 2011 | 6 commentsBare with me I will try to make this brief but detailed.
In Nov. 2005 I met my husband, then 21 years old, who was ending a battle with drugs and alcohol. I was 17 at the time and the first time I seen him I wanted to “have his babies” if you know what I mean. Very shortly after was his birthday which I asked him what he wanted as a present, (this was said in text messages) and his reply was “you”. I didnt text him for several hours because I did not know exactly what he meant. Now I know that he meant “to hang out with me”. But I took it as he wanted to have sex, so being young and dumb, I set the stage and waited for the day. When the day arrived and we were about to begin the heat of the moment SOMETHING came over me…. I asked him to marry me…. (he didnt even know how old I was!) regardless he paused and said “yes” then we continued the business. Days and months went by as we got to know each other and our respected family members, then sometime around April/May 2006 my husband (then Boyfriend) decided to join the Army after discovering his younger brother had joined. Half the time I begged him not to leave me and the other half I supported his choice. Then Aug. 4, 2006 we got married in the Army recruiting station in the mall, I was wearing jeans and flip-flops. (I do have some strife because of this event or lack thereof) Then on Aug. 31st 2006 he left me for basic training which may i remind you that the only contact with him was letters.
I heard or read somewhere that the Bible says a man should remain with his newlywed wife for the first year, Is this accurate?
During the course of our first year it was amazing/horrible roller coaster! A month after he left I found out I was pregnant with our first daughter. Lord I wish I could have told him in person and seen his face but I had to send him a letter. At first I was thrilled, then reality kicked in and I realized I would be alone with this baby and I became terribly depressed. I cried every night before I fell asleep in my lonely bed. At this point I met a man, and committed adultery.
In April 2007 I had our first born. I had to American Red Cross him so he would be able to be with me. I ended up having an emergency c-section (extremely painful, I needed assistance for the first 3 months just to get out of bed) and the day after I had her, he was on a plane back to the Army. (tons of hurt feelings there) A few months later my husband fell from a 40 foot tower, he was honorably discharged and returned home exactly one year from the day he left. Then through the course of events my husband found out about the affair and decided to stay with me. He never forgave me but I dont blame him, I don’t forgive me either.
wait… it gets worse….
We struggled with money and our emotional relationship was heading south, the physical relationship was great and still is. In July 2008 we had our second daughter, I wish I could say it was a joyous time but that would be a lie. When my husband seen the pregnancy test positive without skipping a beat his reply was “oh man” with a sigh. I cried that night all night. We continued to be a family, I was the stay at home mom while he was the breadwinner. And with our relationship crumbling I cheated again, this time I had the intent to leave him.
This is when he refused to devoice me.
So life miserably went on, we had our good days and we had our bad days. In Jan. 2010 we had our third and final daughter, this to was not joyous. And that about sums up our marriage to date.
My husband is a good man, he works hard, is respectful to others and is a wonderful provider and protector to our family.
Besides, gaining his trust back by being honest and open, what should I be doing?
What should my husband be doing?
I have confessed to him truthfully about the affairs. I repent as much as I can. I ask for Gods help and guidance. I praise my Lord.
We have moved an hour away from where we used to live so that physical contact with those men was semi-impossible since we share one car.
I have a confession, Our neighborer who lives upstairs who is married and has three kids is a stay at home dad. I wont lie I find him Very attractive, he has even pursued me to have sex with him. So far I have declined. My husband knows nothing of this guys attempts to woo me. We just signed our lease here and this guy moved in after us so Im trying to keep peace. I know my husband would get hot tempered and possibly end up in jail.
What is the rightmost thing to do here? I feel like i moved next to the devil! (the ironic thing is we have a view of a church out all our windows)
Meanwhile communication and that emotional connection with my husband is declining. He lies about little stuff like porn on his phone, who he has talk to, if he spent any money from our joint account, ect. Ever since I got with him I’ve had this “shady” feeling about him.
Is there anything I can do or say to him that will help rid me of the “he is shady” feeling?
Regardless, I love him and I dont believe he is trying to get back at me or anything.
We made a promise to each other before he left to the army that on our 50th wedding anniversary either partner could end the relationship no questions asked. I vow to keep that promise but I understand to do so I as well as he must learn some new skills to even make it that long.
What Skills should I be learning? What skills should he be learning?
In general, What should we be doing to rebuild our marriage and make it a lasting one??
Thanks,
running out of luck
6 Responses to “ “HELP ME PLEASE”
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Seek out professional help. IMO, you need to begin putting you and your kids first instead of this relationship.
You married too young, you didn’t know what you were doing and getting into (I’ve been there and done that myself)
My best advice to you is stay away from men and relationships, obviously you’re not ready anyway, you can’t be faithful.
Consider going to school or some plan to support yourself and get ahead in life. I have a hunch that you’re kids are not coming first among all this drama and that’s something that you need to change.
A therapist can help you, I have a feeling that you have unresolved issues in your childhood that you haven’t dealt with yet. And don’t bother with a Christian therapist, see a psychologist
STOP CHEATING! either agree to stay married for the kids and openly date other people or just walk way. You have cheated way to many times for the marriage to work. I am a mom too and I couldn’t of done what you did being alone while preggo and when the baby was born. your mistake was not writing him and telling you just wanted a divorce. Why cheat? There is no point in it. Get serious counseling TOGETHER or walk away.
You seem to be the shady one. Your skill to learn is keep your pants on. Try communicating!
Please go get some family counseling. I think there are deeper issues there than just the cheating. You both need to be honest and willing to work. You also need to find some *healthy* support groups that will give you appropriate friendships with moms, not with men who are just looking to cause trouble. I would try to find a counselor who has had some experience with the military. No use in having hurt feelings about the Army – you knew he was joining when you married him, and separation is part of the package.
And, as far as I know, nowhere in the Bible does it say anything about not leaving your new wife for a year. And if it does, please remember that the Old Testament people were living a different style of life.
Dear Running Out of Luck,
First I would like to say even though your marriage is on the rocks, does not mean you can’t change it for the better! You believe in our Lord, which is wonderful! So, here and now, I will write a few brief sentences that will hopefully help you in your marriage in the long run. Please understand that the worldly view and the Godly view are NOT the same, therefore, please read this and open your bible. All your answers are in there!
1) You must STOP cheating. Look at it as a blessing he has forgiven you, and now you must forgive yourself and ask the Lord for forgivness. Do not cheat again. Don’t expect your marriage to change if you keep sinning against the word of God and your husband.
2) Submit to your husband. “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord” (colossians 3:18)
3)It is amazing how vulnerable a man is when a woman treats him with honor. Try to show your husband noticeable esteem at least three times a day. Plan small habits you can establish that will make it easier to remember, until giving him deference comes naturally.
~ acknowledge the good traits in your man
~ speak of your husband with esteem
~ never respond to him with scorn or ridicule.
4) Your relationship with your husband is the single most important role you will ever play. If you fail here, then you have failed at your life’s work and have missed God’s perfect plan.
5) Marriage means becoming one flesh. It does not mean being best friends.
Pick up your bible and read it.
When you are a help meet to your husband, you are a helper to Christ.
yup i dont remember where, but in the old testament newlyweds are not sent off to war for the first year. but that doesnt mean your husband was wrong to go. and you didnt have to marry him, it sounds like you married him after he enlisted. life is too hard for you this way, i understand. no judgement here on the cheating. i think the bottom line is you dont really want to be married to him but you dont want to be alone, a single mom. i will say that your comment sounds like you are desperately trying to prove theres something wrong with him…he shouldnt have left to pursue his dream, hes shady…maybe you just dont love him. thats ok, youre entitled. get your life together and figure your stuff out. go to school, get a job you like. divorce is not the end of the world. no one has to suffer for 50 years or any amount of years bec they signed a piece of paper. its stupid. good luck i hope you find peace.