Webcam cheating, and guilty as all hell, but can’t stop
Posted by Anonymous in Sex on May 15th, 2010 | 11 commentsRecently I’ve been going onto webcam chat rooms and flirting with the girls on there to get them to show body parts, like feet, breasts, etc. so that I can jack off to it. The problem here is that I’m in a relationship– a loving and beautiful one at that.
I confessed to her that I did this a couple of months ago and it seriously hurt her, but she forgave me and all was well. That is, until a couple of days ago.
I began going into random cam-to-cam generator sites, looking for women, and attempting to talk them up. I haven’t shown my face or my penis to anyone, but I have done some risky things, one of which involved showing my feet on cam, pretending to be a girl, and teasing them with it while some kid on the other end jacked off to it– I didn’t get off to what I was DOING, but I did get off to how deeply embedded into vice and risk I was getting: the risk-factor by itself propelled me.
While I realize that this isn’t as devastating as full-on cheating, it’s still ****** up and I feel awful. I read what I have typed so far and it makes me sick– it disgusts me. I’m terrified to approach my girlfriend about this because I don’t want to put this stress on her again, as she really got hurt last time and I don’t want that to happen again. Maybe these words come from my own weakness, but I don’t want her to hurt like she did before, as I promised her I would never, ever do it again and the last time it happened, she was utterly devastated for weeks. She doesn’t deserve that pain. I want to stop :( I feel terrible, and every time I attempt to justify my actions I end up feeling like a goddamned betraying scumbag.
Which is where the real heat of the problem is. I know it’s bad– I know it’s evil– but I honestly feel like I’ve developed a form of addiction for these webcam escapades and I don’t know how to stop. I went through a couple weeks of absolute emotional hell after I told her, and apparently that wasn’t enough to stop me. Whenever I’m horny and the possibility comes up, I can’t stop myself. The exposure and sense of random connection turns me on like nothing else. I justify the actions while doing it by thinking “oh, it’s not really cheating”– but there’s a constant nagging in the back of my head telling me otherwise. Unfortunately, my dick overrides my conscience (familiar story, eh?).
My girlfriend is a truly wonderful and amazing person and I’m NOT tired of her sexually, emotionally, or otherwise in the LEAST. I just don’t know how to control myself– I don’t have a mantra, so to speak, to chant to myself when I feel the urge to stop it– and I need to stop this IMMEDIATELY. Please, somebody help me out. Give me a direction. I’m sick of being caught between the winds of changing morale and not knowing what’s right or wrong. I just want stability and to be in control of my OWN HEAD. I hate this and I need help :( I know this isn’t a SWEEPING, HORRIFYING thing, but I’m not feeling too well, and I need a helping hand. Somebody?
11 Responses to “ “Webcam cheating, and guilty as all hell, but can’t stop”
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I know how you feel, I used to do a similar thing on a smaller scale. I used to google for game sites for simulation of love, kissing and things like that, it’s not easy but you gotta face this head on but the most important thing is that you don’t give up ever. And hey, tell your girlfriend, she might leave you, she might not but her response to it just might show you who she really is.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I think you’re lost, confused and insecure so believe in yourself. There’s something good in there to believe in.
God bless you, dude.
Always,
:)
I think you should tell your girlfriend, if she forgives you and stays here is an idea, see if you can get her involved. What I mean is both of you set up a webcam account and do it to each other, get dressed up, wear wigs, what ever it is you need to do, sort of like role playing. That way you can keep doing what turns you on but it wont be cheating and it might spice up your sex life anyway. Me and my partner both look at porn for example, no big secret and we don’t care, but occassionally we watch it together before we get down to business and it can be pretty frikin awesome, either way you gotta come clean.
I think you need to go speak with a professional. If you let this grow it could become something that you can not control at all and you may loss the one that you love. Take control of the situation before it controls you.
I TOTALLY understand.
While it isn’t good what we do, I don’t think it’s AWFUL because at the end of the day it isn’t real. It’s a fantasy that you happen to be sharing with someone else.
It doesn’t get damaging until, I think, it turns physical, or begins to contain an emotional element (falling for so-and-so).
Don’t be fooled that it isn’t damaging if it is not physical. Even thinking that it is not emotional is a mistake. Doing these things effect how you think and will eventually creep into your real relationships. Not necessarily through inappropriate sexual behavior but in more insidious ways like shame, guilt, fear and anxiety. By the time you notice any negative consequences you will be much more trapped by your behavior and stopping at that point may be difficult if not impossible. Find help, don’t let something gain control over your life.
Put your girlfriend on a webcam and do it with her. She might think it’s weird but at least you get to do what you want without cheating on her. I think you just need to have another way of intimacy, and that webcam thing excites you. So tell your girlfriend that you guys have fun doing it on a webcam.
some says it takes 15 straight days to form a habit.. why not keep yourself away from the internet for awhile and get busy with your gf? if you really want some thing to happen, it will.. i strongly suggest you keep away from internet for awhile.. or try to imagine your gf just being around and might caught you in the act, maybe it can scare away your fetish with the idea of her, leaving you..
When you get a moment of lucidity, walk right up to your webcam and tell your self that it won’t control you anymore. Then destroy it. Rip out the cable and smash the camera. Never buy another one and try and see your girlfriend straight after. Never tell her what you’ve done, she deserves far better than that. Just pledge your life to her and swear you’ll never hurt her by giving in to that side of you again.
Sounds like you have a very serious problem on your hands. Circumstances like these are so depressing because it’s obvious that you are unhappy with your actions and your girlfriend will most likely be devastated as well- if that word can even cover the severity of her emotions. Since I’m commenting on this on what looks like a year after you originally posted this, I hope and PRAY that you have found it in your heart to be honest with your girlfriend now and to head on a journey in search of yourself. It’s probably best for you to focus on yourself as a single person, an individual- as relationships can sometimes change us over time. Live for yourself. Your girlfriend is a strong girl, as it appears from your post; She’s already been through the ringer- this will probably only break her down to a place that she’s never been- let her go, as she’ll be hurting too- maybe even more because she’ll never understand. Be honest, face the music, and find yourself.
oh that web cam crap is so old hat. haven’t we all been there and done that? grow up.
I’m pretty much the girl version of this situation. I understand perfectly. But My boyfriend would get so angry and hurt if he ever found out. I can’t tell him and I want to stop. So if truly love him I’ll fight and end my addiction. And so will you.