Touch
Posted by Anonymous in Sex on Mar 17th, 2011 | 23 commentsI have not had sex in over a decade. I am a 32 year old woman.
I am not overweight. I don’t have any weird crazy abnormalities. I don’t smell bad. I am able-bodied, in very good shape for even my 30-something age.
However, I am on disability for depression. I have been on disability for the same amount of time that I have been single.
I have not been held by another person in several years. I get a hug approximately every 6 to 12 months from a family member. I am an extremely affectionate person, and was raised to be that way. I crave human contact almost constantly. I am a very passionate person.
Those who know me are of course aware of my situation. It makes them uncomfortable. They do not ever touch me. They make sure to never hug me or extend any sort of physical affection to me, for fear that I will fall in love with them and want to marry them or something to that affect. Men, women, friends, strangers, young, old…it does not matter. They all react this way. They are all afraid of me. They do not know that I am just like any other person and am not attracted to every person I come into contact with, only certain individuals. I don’t blame them when they treat me like some sort of sub-human…I am sure the concept of never exchanging physical affection with other people is unfathomable to them. It is to me, too.
I watch as they put their arms around their friends and family…all the while being very careful to never come into contact with me. I do not tell my loved ones that I love them anymore. This is heartbreaking. If I even tell someone I am glad I have them in my life, or do something nice for their birthday, or tell them they are a great friend to me…I usually either receive A) a polite and carefully worded email stating something to the effect of: I need to find someone somewhere and to get back to them when I do; or B) I do not hear from the person again either indefinitely or after several months of time. This includes family members.
Let me repeat that last part. I have family members, blood relatives, who keep their distance because they are afraid I will want to be with them sexually. I try not to think about this particular aspect too often.
Sometimes when I am at the grocery store or some other type of store, someone will accidentally brush up against me as they rush by. It always feels so strange…but in a good way. On rare occasions I have had to go to the emergency room at a hospital…and the only good part of that whole experience is the physical contact I receive from the medical staff. They have to hold my arm to draw blood and attach IV’s. They put those sticky metal things on my body to check my heart. The feeling of hands on me was so amazing. The only time people ever touch me is when they have to.
Sometimes all I want is to make love just one more time. But then sometimes…I would just settle for a hug.
I picked my future childrens’ names out when I was a child, like the other girls did. I am so glad that I did not know what was ahead of me.
So glad.
23 Responses to “ “Touch”
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I don’t mean to be insensitive and i am not saying this to be funny, but why don’t you get a pet? Puppy or kitty…
My roommate is just like you. However he is only 22. Bad family life, bad relationships and a brush with cancer have left him with almost no physical contact from anyone. I hug him every once in a while and he hugs back really hard. It’s kinda awkward but I know he is not going to fall in love with me or anything just needs human connection. My boyfriend thinks he is strange though.
We recently got a tabby cat and the cat lays on him and cuddles with him. It seems to be helping his mood. I can’t do much for his depression or bad history that has left him isolated (that’s a personal journey) but it does help.
Aloha Touch,
my suggestion is if you live near a massage school to schedule a massage with one of the students, The cost will be about 20-30 dollars and you will get 1 hour of healthy, safe healing touch. If I can give this to you for a suggestion during the session, just say you have never gotten a massage and your way over due. Then the next time you go to the school, get a massage from a different student so you can experience healthy, safe touch in a caring, yet controlled environment.
As a massage therapist with 25+ years of experience. you are not the only person on this planet who need healthy, safe, nurturing touch to help you thru life. Best of luck in your journey. Aloha and Mahalo Plenty
as a male i can only somewhat understand but not fully. A series of bad relationships left me to the point where i have had only one sexual encounter in ten years. Buck up and try not to be sad. find a way to be around new people who dont assume you smack of desperation. Play your cards right and you will be on the fast track to touchville.
I agree with most of these suggestions. In fact I may try the one about the massage that sounds promising..You are not alone..I too am in the same boat as you..Mine is a whole lot longer than yours though – over 20 yrs. I kid you not. Its frustrating at times..I too am trying hard to get past it and fighting to make a connection with people to see where it may lead. But there is always some sort of wall that prevents it. I am on the other side of what you mentioned here and I would like to say your not alone. Its comforting in a way knowing that there is some one else out in the world who is going through something similar. All I can say is best of luck to you.. Keep your chin up and keep trying. Take small baby steps..may be shake someone’s hand as a part of getting human contact. Maybe instead of shaking a hand, as a subsitute for doing this, hug someone..really..but make it last for 2-3 secs max..then gradually over time if you regularly see that person and come in contact with them and they are more comfortable with you, increase it..nooo, not in a sexual kind of way (unless you both eventually want that) but as a friendly way..remember baby steps lead to bigger victories..i too will continue to work on me and “baby steps”..i too don’t want to go through life without one time not experiencing what a touch of ecstasy is like.
Read “The Game” by Neil Strauss. Seriously. I know it doesn’t sound like a book that has anything to do with you, and I doubt you want to be a ‘pick up artist’, but you are exactly who that book was written for – people who can’t seem to make a connection with other people. If you understand the point behind what he was writing about, it’ll change your life. And you can figure out from the book where to find out how to do what he did. Because he was just like you.
Everybody is looking for a connection. EVERYBODY. Why people get uncomfortable around you has nothing, really, to do with you… it’s just how you approach them. If you can change your approach, you won’t scare them off.
If I ever meet you, I would give you a hug :)
I would give you a hug too.
I agree with the above suggestions, especially about your approach. Body language and facial expressions are HUGE – I know from my own difficulties. Maybe working with a life coach would help.
Do you go out at all? I know that is difficult when dealing with depression. Try a crochet group, art class, volunteer at an animal shelter–lots of hugs from those kitties.
we all need the human touch. you need sex. find a loving sex partner asap. we all wither up and die without loving touch and caring. you are too young not to have sex. you can be a dried up old bag soon enough and you will be. one day. now is not the time to withhold sex and loving touch from yourself.
I can correlate in a way with your story, though I’m a guy. For several years I was craving to be touched, caressed, held, hugged, without having anybody to do it except the usual polite hugs. Now, I’m 30 and get plenty of physical affection.
I was probably depressed as well, though I didn’t seek any help. I had all the signs of depression.
But things change. In my case, what made my life change was a combination of necessity (taking care of my family and myself), of ironclad willingness to have a beautiful life (to be serene and to be loved) and of casual occurrences that triggered immense changes in me. One of this occurrence was meeting a girl who simply jumped and hugged me the first time she met me in person. She was special (really, really special…) to me then, despite meeting her only twice.
But I digress. What I simply want to expose in this message is that things can change towards the better.
I have had the pleasure of spending time with a professional ‘touch’ specialist.. and i urge you to find a professional who works in this area.. a massage therapist is good but there is obviously some underlieing psychological issues so I suggest someone who is experienced more as as a counselor is what you will most benefit from..
Another idea is to find a ‘tantrika’.. Tantrika is the name of a female tantric healer and Daka is for a male. If this is right for you it can open up a whole new world of energy, sensation, intimacy and pleasure.
I wish you the best on your journey through life.
I can definitely relate to your situation. I haven’t been without affection for quite as long as you (only about 5 years) but I definitely miss it. I was raised by an affectionate family but always rejected it for some reason, I suppose I still do when it comes to most people especially if I don’t know them. That normally changes when I get to know them better and open up but the result is still that everyone thinks I hate being touched even though it’s so not true. I crave it daily.
As for worrying people might think I would want sex, I can relate to that too. As a 29 yr old guy, the smallest amount of affection from a woman can be arousing so even when I do get the odd hug, I have to make it very short.
I wonder why people are so uncomfortable giving you even hugs though. The only answers I can think of, based on your testimonial, is that you’ve have been way too honest and they’re too afraid of dealing with it. If you gave me a hug and I felt you becoming aroused (how you may ask, I don’t know perhaps your nipples would harden? lol), I honestly wouldn’t over react. I mean how bad could it be? Even if you overtly reach for my penis, all I have to do is shoo your hand away and keep enjoying the hug.
Anyway, whatever their problem is, your daily difficulties are understandable. I used to get terribly depressed over this too but thankfully not anymore.
If I personally knew you and how you felt, I’d give you the longest hugs and even kisses on your neck.
I love you.
Seriously, if you lived close to me, you would be my best friend. I could give you more hugs than you would ever need. Keep your head up. All is not lost.
I want to give u as many hugs, kisses, and passionate nights as your heart desires.You have touched me through your story, so i would like to give back.Just reply back to your own story so i will know you read this.
fact is i am also going through the same situation… i always look for hug, strong hand touch… not sex and that too of a man… being man you can’t expect hug from man but somehow i feel so much depressed and want to feel people around me care… its not about having sex or getting sexual attracted but want human touch which makes you feel worth of your existence, but what is working for me is… i never express and don’t share this feeling on the contrary i never start hug from my side and when i get without expectation… its just awesome, this maintain my self esteem and integrity and moreover it helps me to get over from this feeling…
Honey I totally feel for you <3 that is so stupid that people think you're going to jump their bones just because they give you a hung. I do like the suggestions about a massage and a pet. I think and maybe you don't agree but that you need to have sex and feel that connection. I would advertise on Craigslist and on c4p. My husband and I are in the life style and the is one of the best parts. Having so many friends that you can be totally comfortable with and affectionate with. You will find someone too but you have to put you foot out there. If you are not getting what you need or want find it! There are people out there just like you and you could help each other. Good luck *hugs*.
im so sorry. dont give up, there is always somebody :)
You need real friends!!!
Get a massage. I am not talking about a dirty one. Call a spa. Normal cost are $70-$120 depending on the location and don’t forget to tip 20%. Not only will u receive the human contact you are craving, it is good for you. Also, a large dog snuggles like a a person. Good luck! :)
I understand fully, I am a very affectionate person as well, and find it hard to find someone that wants to be with me, I am good looking, smart, funny, muscular, have all good qualities, but can’t find someone that wants to be with me. I am such a big hugger, and realize the importance and power of hugs, and I could use one right now, and if I was wit you, or knew you, would ask for a hug. I hope things have gotten better for you.
I know you must have received dozens of invitations to become a text or email friend. I chat with several people each day by text and email and I will be happy to chat with you. We can exchange pictures, ideas and interests. If not me, then I hope you choose someone who is compatible in age, location, religion,interests, race, politics or who can reciprocate your need for physical contact. I am open. Are you?
Reference to my comment above here is a description of me. Male, black, 61, professional, multiple interests, separated, four children, heterosexual, residing in New Jersey, U S A.
When your friends or family are hugging each other, say “Hey, give me a hug too!” with a smile. Just do that, and they will.
I kinda know how you feel. My family never was touchy or anything but I am. I’m only 14 and a hug is very unusual in my life. Most come from my few friends, but I am too clingy and I know I annoy them. I can’t even rest my head on their shoulder that they tell me to get off.
Anyway. I hope you get over this. There’s always someone, and you just have to find the right people. If you feel like it, you can even seek some help. I advise you to look up to all those comments.
Here. Have a virtual hug. *hugs* :]