The promised virgin

I am a religious person. I’ve promised God and my family and those I care about and respect that I would wait till marriage to have sex. Yet I think about it every day, multiple times a day. I want to have sex so badly. I’m in my late twenties and my body is ready to have sex. I think about just doing it and flowing with whatever happens next. But then I think about god, the promises I made. How can I disappoint all those people because I’m horny. I worry that I’m just craving physical touch but hoping still for love. I take care of my own needs frequently but it just isn’t enough. How can I stop these thoughts or deal with the guilt of having sex and letting down God.

21 thoughts on “The promised virgin

    1. You can’t even capitalize His reference title; please, a little respect for Dad would start to turn this ship around. Now, why would you promise a bunch of adults with whom you will never share intimate relations, the most personal, private, intimate endeavor you have which is supposed to be endured and achieved through faith and should be exclusively between you and our Father? It’s none of your parents’, pastor’s or horny uncles business and you should be offended at the prospect that your virginity is on any one of their minds. Now, if you decide to continue the torturous act of celibacy until wed, then I commend you. Remember, it’s about carnal sacrifice to exhibit your Love and Faith for Dad. NOT a religious dogma or doctrine by which you will be judged by church elders, parents or any other self obsessed community “leader”. Trust me, God doesn’t condemn you for giving in to the sins of the flesh, hell that’s the whole point of this whole thing. To learn to reject the input obtained via our five senses in order to accept and envelop the true self as divinely created and tutored through this terrestrial incarnation. Don’t just breach the committment you made to our Father simply because he’ll forgive you for falling, however, as that sucks and doens’t express a true reciprication of His Love (as much as we are able anyway), but also do not obsess over whether or not you can manage. Just remind yourself of why you made the commitment to YOURSELF and to HIM, and do NOT consider and certainly do not obsess over what any third, unrelated party will opine about your two party covenant.

  1. This is unacceptable. What if you never get married? You’ll never satisfy your desire. You should never suppress lust. It’s human nature. Devour life. Don’t sample it.

  2. A lot of opinions out here, and I for sure don’t know what’s right even though I also waited until I was married for religious reasons. What I do know is, you aren’t letting God down if you have sex. If “no sex before married” really is one of God’s rules, He put it in place to protect you, not Him. And if it is… I don’t know. Those laws were written in a time where childbirth was extremely risky, both physically and economically, and disease was a significant factor. Now we have birth control and modern medicine, so we’re left with the moral argument and that’s something you need to explore on your own. Just don’t hurt anyone with your sexuality, guard yourself against others hurting you, and I think you’ll be alright.

    I will say this, though. If you haven’t been on hormone replacement birth control up to this point, DO NOT GO ON. There are major health risks for women who introduce these later in life, like exploding gall bladders and uncontrolled weight gain. It happened to my wife and it was crazy until we figured out what it was.

  3. Well you already have waited long time fulfilling your promise to God. Strength that you got is from God and He is the one will give your more strength but He will test you on your promise so work on finding soul mate and marry that person and I am sure God will reward you in this life and on your judgement day.

  4. H Girl: I think that sex is such an intimate, personal encounter, that people should be friends before they are lovers. There are many steamy relationships based on sex between people who really do not have much in common, don’t really know each other very well, and by the time they do get acquainted, find out that they don’t like each other much. When you meet a man you like, and with whom you develop a friendship, nurture the relationship with intimacy. Stop letting impossible standards set by other people with antiquated ideas about devotion to God wreck your life and cause you all this personal anguish. As for guilt, most ministers that I have known are travel agents for guilt trips. Set yourself free H girl. Go forth.

  5. This is kinda similar with a friend of mine. He is also a man of God and is a virgin too. Sometimes he gets to initiate conversations that are intimate with me. And saying that we would only do such things if we are married. You are not alone dude.
    I think it is normal to desire to love, be loved and make love.

  6. I’m a male, wasn’t raised religious but became a Christian as a teenager, I had some 2nd/3rd base experiences but I never went “all the way” til I was married…. well into my 30s. It was indeed a terrible struggle, and the church was more of an obstacle than a help (especially with that “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” crap that prevented so many from marrying.)

    All I can say is, get proactive about meeting the right type of Christian man. Get out of your normal social circle. Visit other churches. Consider online matchmaking, cautiously. If your singles ministry announces a no-dating policy, walk out, shake the dust off your feet, and go somewhere else. And don’t be afraid to make the first move like Ruth with Boaz, as many good guys have been browbeaten out of initiating by over-the-top rejections to polite approaches. Finally… if this applies to you, consider cutting carbs and hitting the gym.

    Don’t “wait on God” for a husband — any more than you would “wait on God” for a job. If you were unemployed, you’d make a targeted, focused effort to find a job, making lots of connections, going on interviews, and prayerfully looking to God for guidance and closed vs open doors. That’s what it takes to find a spouse too. The miracle marriage stories are rare exceptions, it usually requires making the effort.

  7. I understand how you feel. I was an older virgin. I am probably more religious than most of my friends. I felt uncomfortable being a virgin at an older age, like there was something wrong with me. I’m not married and I lost my virgnity a few years ago. Personally, I am glad I lost my virginity. No one has to know when and if you lose your virginity. It’s between you, the other person, and God. About a year before I lost my virginity, I had gone out and bought a vibrating dildo and it definitely made me feel more comfortable with my body and what got me off.

  8. I used to be just like you. Very religious, not believing in sex before marriage. But then, it happened. I was not prepared for it, did not see it coming. But I am glad it happened. I do not wonder what it feels like to be with a man, because now I know. As far as family is concerned, they do not need to know about every single detail of your life. I thought i would feel guilty because I have “committed a sin”, but i do not have any regrets. It all comes down to personal choices. Live your life, do what you want, do not feel restricted and don’t be afraid to try out new things.

  9. all people have urges and to be honest you will always wonder about others if you only have one partner. I wished I didnt save myself for marriage because when she left I was to scared to date

  10. Be strong, just when you think there is no nite in shining armor, he will appear. You will then be able to unleash all of the love/sex you have bent up inside. Fight the good fight, it’s worth it.

  11. Ok, you are in your late 20’s. So at least 27? You really should not be a virgin at that age. You have to realize the Bible was written by man, and while it may be influenced by God, it is more influenced by man.

    Virginity was very important back in the BC era because a father married off his daughters and received a dowry or payment for her. If she was not a virgin, she would be considered unclean and either not be marriable or worth a dowry. Second, men had multiple wives in those days and the wives had duties, and if she were to get pregnant by another man, it would shame the husband.

    But if you pay attention, men often had sex with women who were not their wives. My point is that you can’t live a modern life by rules constructed by people who literally thought a storm or volcano eruption could be God’s anger.

    You are getting to an age where this can become a psychological issue for you and could hurt your chances to keep the man you want to marry when you find him. Sex is being built up to this end all be all, and really, it isn’t that big of a deal. The whole point of those sex commitments to God today are to keep teens from promiscuous sex and getting pregnant. You are not a stupid kid, you are an adult.

    So pick a guy you trust, who you know is kind and honorable who you have attraction to and make a move on him. You will probably want to tell him before the act occurs that you are a virgin so he will be gentle and try to make it sensual for you. But you have to get past this, you won’t really be a woman until you do. I know, I know, that sounds like a line a teenager uses, and they do. But again, you are in your late 20’s. Realize God will not hate you for this at all.

  12. First of all I am deeply sorry if the following insults you in any way because I certainly don’t mean to and/or if it’s too late to offer my humble advice.

    I can not stand people ruining their lives in the name of “god”. You believe in god and you gave that silly for me promise to be a virgin until marriage because your parents wanted you too and because your parents are religious themselves. If you had been born in a strange far away tribe that says all women must have sex at least 5 times a day or they are considered sinners that’s what you would do and everything else would seem illogical. Faith is a thing we develop ourselves indeed but you did not have a choice. You also have to know that God never said that women must not have sex until marriage. These are prudish thoughts some people force their kids into passing to new generations out of envy because they were forced to endure the same when they were at your age. You should be able to enjoy your life and sex as long as you breath and it saddens me that you are a virgin 20 year old girl still. Now don’t get me wrong I do not mean for you to become a slut I just want you to get in love and have protected fun with someone you care about.

  13. I’m not religious so I suppose my opinion won’t help I’ve always wanted to be some ones first but in reality most guys I know would prefer not to be with a virgin. I don’t think it matters that much. Religion is a hard thing to argue with but it’s really hard for me to think that if god is real and supposed to be loving and all that then I’m sure you would be forgiven. Its not wrong of you to have urges there is nothing wrong with you and it makes me so mad the heartache and pain that people put themselves through in the name of god. God isn’t worth it if he can condemn you for being a human. I won’t tell you what to do but holy cow if you want to get laid then I don’t see the problem. Just be safe it isn’t worth a life long disease or an unwanted pregnancy. As far as the other people in your life what business is it of theirs what you do in your sex life. Just don’t tell them problem solved there. Any way I wish you luck and hope your worries clear up.

  14. I’m not saying that sin is a good thing. And I’m not advocating you go out and have sex right now with the first guy to smile at you.

    But we’re all flawed, we’ve all sinned both mortally and venially if you buy into the distinction. God understands that we’re flawed and he knows we will sin. If its with someone special then really premarital sex isn’t the worst thing you can do in life. Just be ready for the responsibility of your choices.

    If your future spouse can forgive you (and if they truly d love you when you finally meet them they will) then God will forgive as well.

  15. Dear Friend,
    It is okay to change your mind and God and your family will understand because you are only human and have affectional needs that supercede vows. Pray about and let your family know of your change of mind. If doing this doesn’t work, then get short term therapy to overcome your guilt and need to be perfect. Take care now and good luck with your decision.

    1. You’re just like me. I get like that a lot. But remember to be the salt of the world, and to overcome desire through denying the flesh. You’re better than that, and imagine how good and pure and lovely it would be to have that special connection with just you and your spouse. It is God’s commandment that we remain pure, however hard that may be. Even I sometimes have to watch funny videos on YouTube to get those thoughts out of my head. I read 2 Corinthians 5:17, because not only did that verse save my life, it keeps me from destruction. I will pray for you.

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