I like being your dirty little secret.

I work with you, but you know that.

You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my entire life. I’ve always been a sucker for green eyes and curly hair, but yours are the most amazing, and you hair is always perfect and curly. I’ve had a crush on you since you trained me. Your taste in music is incredible, and you’re so smart!

How could you expect me not to fall for you?

I was so unhappy in my relationship, and we became friends, and hanging out with you was the highlight of my weeks.

And then the night before mother’s day, you were supposed to come over, but my girlfriend had Ugly-Nasty over and was hanging out, so we decided to leave. But we got to talking about music, and we made a mixtape for the night. I listen to it every day.

And then you suggested that we get two six packs and go for a walk in the rain to a spot in the park where the railroad tracks cross over the water, and I think that if I were taking you on a date, that’s exactly the kind of thing I would want to do.

But then my mom called at the grocery store, remember? She said all that about the tornado watch, so we just drove around all those cool back roads, and eventually we went to her house to decide what to do. And we decided to park at my aunt’s house and walk to the tunnel with our six packs and drink them there.

And we did. And if I could go back and walk in the rain with you again, I would walk until my legs couldn’t walk anymore.

But I don’t tell you that.

I could never tell you that.

Remember when we were in the tunnel and we talked about our dreams and fears and most embarrassing moments? And you told me about the radio station in Spokane, and how you’re afraid to fail, and I told you about my fear of religion, and how I wish I weren’t a lesbian sometimes.

And you were so comforting and sympathetic.

But then we ran out of beer, and it was time to go, and we were both kind of drunk. And in the car, you said we could just go back to your place, because Ugly-nasty and my girlfriend were at my apartment and they were rude to us.

I walked in, and I started sizing up your living room couch, because I thought I’d be sleeping there, but you took me into your room, and you showed me your bed, and you said it was called the marshmallow, and it was super comfy. So I laid down in it.

And you put on the mixtape and started lighting candles until it looked like you had the lights on. And I asked if you were a candle person, and you said you were. I said that was cool.

And the music was playing and the candles were burning and we were drinking, and we talked. We talked for awhile.

And then I was talking about school. I think I was talking about one of my friends, and I was in the middle of a word, and I saw something change in you. Your beautiful green eyes looked different, and in a split second, you leaned forward, grabbed the back of my neck, and pulled me to you to kiss me.

It was the best kiss I’ve ever felt. Ever. And I’ve kissed a lot of people.

And it didn’t take long for me to realize what was happening, and when I did, I pulled away, and I asked you a question.
“How long have you wanted to kiss me?”

And you gave me the most adorable answer.
“Since you walked with me in the rain.”

And then we were kissing again. You were really kissing me. You were holding me, rolling over me, kissing my neck and my ears, and then you said something that I’ve played over in my head a million times in two weeks and a day.

“I don’t want to break your heart.”

And I don’t remember what I said back.

Then things were blurry for a minute, and I remember your sweatpants coming off. I helped, but only after you started. And then you helped me take my shorts off. And then our shirts came off. And sometime thereafter our bras. And there we were, kissing in your bed, wearing just our panties.

And we were okay with that.

You loved the knee trick. You know, the one where I used my knee between your legs, and you wrapped yourself around me. And I kissed your neck and legs, and you were so into it.

But then I moved my hand from your neck to between your legs, and I asked if it was okay. I did that a lot. I didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable. And you said it was. And you felt so amazing pressed against my body. And you loved what I did to you. You bit my shoulder, and I thought it was the cutest thing you did all night.

I felt infinite with you.

But it was over quickly, and you asked if I liked to spoon, and I wanted to say I was just happy to be near you, but instead I kept cool and said I could do that. And you were my big spoon, just for a few hours.

When we woke up, I woke up first. I looked at your back, and how beautiful it was. You’re perfect, you know that? I got dressed before you woke up and went out on the porch to think about what I’d done. I’d cheated, but it was worth it. Not only did I get to spend a night with a girl who I thought was a goddess, but I’d been given a way out of my relationship.

I knew I needed to find a way out after you because of how much better it felt being with you than it ever felt being with her. I know how good it can be when you have chemistry with someone now. I didn’t have that with her.

And I went back in and tried to fall asleep again and finally did, and we got up and ready at nine to go to work for our doubles.

We went to starbucks, and then I took you to get your car at my apartment. And you said you’d see me at work. And I kissed her when I got home and told her I’d see her that night and I loved her. Only one of those was true.

All day I had campers. Tables weren’t turning, so I had all this free time, and I spent most of it helping you, because you were slammed. And I had such a good day, because you were there.

And that night I broke up with her. And she was crushed. She loved me so much. And now I miss her a lot, but I know I can’t be with her when I feel this way about you. It’s not fair to her. And it’s also not fair to me with the way that we didn’t get along anymore anyway.

She hates you now, and I don’t blame her.

We didn’t talk for almost a week, because he came to town to visit for five days, and then one night you texted me and invited me over, and told me that what happened didn’t change anything. And I felt so much better.

And now we laugh at work and make jokes, and I think you know how I feel, because sometimes you shoot me these huge, adorable smiles.

I picked up this morning because I didn’t know if you were working AM or PM, and I wanted to see you. I love just being around you. I was glad when you said you were working a double. I sort of figured something was wrong. I hope your mom’s okay. And I’m sorry you had a bad day today and left early because of her. You didn’t tell me what was wrong, but I heard you tell him when I was rolling silverware.

I sent you a text after work that said “Hope your day got better dude.” I added dude so you wouldn’t think I think of you like I do, but I do.

I’m sorry I’m so crazy about you. I don’t want to lose your friendship. It means a lot to me. I wish I could shake these feelings. I dream about you. I’m completely infatuated with you.

I know you’re not a lesbian, but just be true to yourself here. And if I’m misreading you, I’m sorry. Just don’t break my heart by not being my friend anymore. Please.

Oh, by the way,

I like being your dirty little secret.

14 thoughts on “I like being your dirty little secret.

  1. I think it was right of you to break up with your girlfriend because of your feelings. On the other hand, you say it was worth it to cheat on her with this other girl because you love her…that is beautiful.

    In my opinion, you should tell her all this. :)

    I really enjoyed reading your confession. You obviously are in love.

    I’ve seen people say this in the earlier comments, but what the hell–you are truly an amazing person, and I hope to meet someone like you someday. :)

    I know it sounds totally corny, but just keep listening to your heart.

    I wish you the best. :]

  2. This is beautiful. It is so similar to what happened with me and my boyfriend the first time we got together, at least thats how it felt, so connected right from the start, perfect in everyway…. Its a year later now, and I wonder if it was all a dream as life and issues take over…. I long to feel that way again…


  3. You cheated on your girlfriend, and you lied to her.

    You should have broken up with her first before cheating on her.

    That’s just wrong.

  4. This is almost right out of my life right now. It has been going on for years now and I found your confession wonderfully written and expressed beautifully.

  5. This IS a beautiful story. Some people don’t understand because they are heartless and have never been loved like this.

    Things might not work out for you, but don’t ever forget that feeling. Keep it close to your heart and never let it go.

  6. You cheated on your girlfriend. This story isn’t sweet. You’re a skank, as is the girl who had sex with you even though she knew you had a girlfriend. I hope the two of you get together just so you can walk in on her ******* some guy one night. It would serve you right.

    1. I agree with you. I have been cheated on myself. It caused a severe depression which lasted for months and overwhelming pain for years.

      I don’t find this story sweet at all. Cheaters are cheaters. Low, immoral, and selfish to say the least.

      What goes around comes around. May Karma sort people like you out one day.

  7. I’m a guy, and I think I got teary.

    That was a story I won’t forget, and you are so lucky to feel that. I myself am totally mixed up in my life, I wish you the best, and good luck, maybe one day she’ll be yours forever.

  8. What a wonderful story. I too am a lesbian, and have fallen head over heals for a straight girl before. We were never phsical, but she made me feel so incredible. Now, I have found someone that makes me feel even better than she did because we are able to be comfortable with who we are and understand each other so well! I do hope you are able to continue to be friends. Like AAG said, you seem like a wonderful person. Thanks for sharing and good luck finding the love of your life, she is out there somewhere, just remember that :).

    Take care!

  9. Wow. I agree with JZ, this is one of the best confessions I’ve read. So romantic. Like a movie. I hope you get a chance to be with her. I’ve always been of the idea that you fall in love with someone’s soul, not the shell its encased in. I think she likes your soul. And this is a good thing. Good luck. You seem like a wonderful person. I hope to meet someone like you some day.

  10. Wow, I think that was one of the best confessions ive read in a while. But on a better note, even if you lose her for whatever reason just know you were given a chance to love someone that deeply. Some people dont have that chance at all. And thank her for being apart of your life..because she gave you such happiness. I know its hard to want to be with someone that you wish you had in your arms but if she doesnt see what a wonderful person you are then give it time and eventually it’ll subside.

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