Cheating on my husband

I have been married for 13 yrs now. I have 5 wonderful kids and I love them very much. All I ever wanted was to have a large family and I have done this. The problem is that I got married at 18 and I don’t know if I really knew who I was at the time or if I did it because my family wanted me to. I have cheated on my husband with so many men in the past 13 years that I have lost count, even if it was only a kiss I have counted them in this count. I am never happy just having my husband, he is a horny man but it just is not what I want, I need to touch of someone else to be happy. I have also had encounters with women and I have finally realized that I was meant to be with a woman and not a man. I have tried to get a divorce from my husband many times now and always have the same prob, he will not let me go he says that I can’t be a lesbian because I have cheated on my in the past with men. I feel bad that I have wasted 13 years of his life, but I am not in love with him the way a wife should love him. I have a lady friend that loves me very much and wants to be with me very badly, she is fine with me being married to a man, but my husband always tells me that if I am to have a lady friend in a sexual manner I have to have him in with it. We have done that before, but I get very jealous of him being with her, I want her for me and only me.