Lifelong Ghost

If anyone is reading this, I assume it’s a member of law enforcement because people in general always want to know “why” even when it doesn’t matter. I am not going to go into every gory detail but instead will just give a few shining examples. By the way, despite what you read here, I don’t blame anyone but MYSELF for my issues/problems/mistakes or self destructive behaviors.

For starters, my “parents” (who I would normally refer to as the “sperm and egg donors”) should never have married ANYone, let alone each other, and then never should have compounded the problem by having kids. There were both verbally and physically abusive; in particular my dad since he dealt out the corporal punishment, using his belt or a switch off a tree. Mom was more of the verbally abusive and belittling type although she never intervened during a beating and instead chose to watch it. Even after the ‘rents separated/divorced mom would call dad with a complaint over some minor infraction and he would come over and beat me and/or my bro. As for reasons for the abuse, my brother was the troubled kid but I never got into any trouble, got good grades etc. so it’s more like they both went looking for any excuse to “get off” on a beating. Otherwise, we were pretty much ignored.

School was not a safe haven, either. I was the poster child for the phrase “painfully shy”. Starting right off in kindergarden I was teased and made fun of on a daily basis, probably because of my lazy eye and very damaged front teeth. My eyes should have been operated on long before I started school but I wasn’t worth the money. My teachers basically told the ‘rents that I HAD to have sugery or they were going to report them so I finally had the surgery I needed at age seven, by which time I had lost a good deal of vision in my left eye. I then had to wear a “pirate patch” on my right eye to strengthen my left which of course left me wide open for teasing. My front teeth were badly damaged at about the same age when I pulled a dresser over on top of me. They stayed that way until I paid to get them fixed at age 28. Again, not worth the money. Once the kids at school had me targeted as the class scape goat it continued through all 12 grades. Teasing, harrassment, punching, tripping, hair pulling, etc; I had tacks on my classroom seats, had lunch trays dumped on me, had rocks thrown at me, once I was even shoved down the stairs. When I was in elementary school I told my mom some of what was going on and she basically told me to “quit being such a baby, quit whining, take care of it yourself” so I stopped telling anyone. This is why it was so hard for me to open myself up to trust anyone because I learned that I couldn’t trust ANYone, not even the two people a child should be able to trust. Thankfully, I remember very little about the first 18 years of my life.

After school I joined the Army to get the HELL away from Michigan, met my ex husband , moved to Montana and had my daughter. Everything “seemed” to be going well for me but the damage I received the first 19 years if my life was still there, in my subconscience, untreated and unresolved. At the time I didn’t know that I had, at the very least, emotional problems if not mental ones. Now I believe that I have been clinically depressed my entire life but never recognized it because it’s how I have always been. I do believe there is more to it than that because even though I get along well with people (all of my jobs were in customer service and I was good at it) and people seened to genuinely like me, I found it very hard to make good friends, get close to anyone or form lasting relationships. Not to mention not being able to successfully ‘handle’ money. Neither my ex nor I were very happy in our relationship nor were we particularily unhappy. I would best describe it as “ambivalent”. Due to some events that I don’t care to disclose (I told my daughter that I would never say anything bad about her dad and I never have) I decided to end the marriage.

Believe it or not, all that was the easy part; now comes the more difficult, self destructive part of this narrative. I high high hopes of finding happiness after my divorce even though I still did not recognize that I had serious unresolved issues. I dated a lot and made a few casual friends but again, couldn’t seem to form any closer relationships. At some point, the serious downhill slide began (and I actually DID start to feel very depressed) and I felt that I would never find what I was searching for so what would it matter if I had a crappy job or got into debt. It was about this time that my daughter wanted to move to Seattle and live with me till she got on her feet. I really couldn’t afford to move at this time but I couldn’t say no to her so I went further into debt with moving costs, rent, deposits, etc. After a couple of months, and she got a job, she started paying half the rent but I still paid all of the other household bills, including the bulk of the grocery bill, which was a financial hardship for me. I also put at least $2000 into her crappy car so she could get to her two jobs. A lot of of the debt I incurred was all of this and also airfair to fly her out here for visits when she was in MT, me taking time off work (unpaid) to visit her, and other debts that were all mine. I DO NOT blame her for ANY of this— it was MY choice! Eventually, I felt that nothing really mattered and I just didn’t care if bills got paid or not; my credit rating was in the sewer so what difference would it make. So, I was financially self-destructive.

The other problems I have were health-related. My teeth needed literally thousands of dollars of work. I was diagnosed with tumors in my uterus, which is why I broke up with my then-boyfriend at the time and stopped dating (it seemed that sex disturbed the tumors and causes hemmoraging). At this time my doctor also prescribed an anti-depressant but I told her that a “happy pill” might help with one thing but it certainly wouldn’t fix everything so I never took any. Putting on my “happy face” and going to work everyday was very emtionally, mentally and physically exhausting. I also know that I have very high blood pressure, which probably explains the “white noise” I have going in my head 24/7 and I am hypothyroid. The other symptoms I have are undiagnosed and some are why I quit my last job: I lose my balance easily and tip over unless I have a wall or counter to hold onto; I can only be on my feet off and on because if I stand for too long my legs turn a blotchy red, feel swollen and I feel like I’m dragging around a couple of tree trunks; I have had a significant swelling in my throat for months and it’s getting harder to swallow and I am thirsty all the time, and my digestive system has decided to pretty much quit working altogether. The last one is probably due to my very poor diet and low calorie intake.

Which brings me to the last part which would really hurt if I still “felt” anything. And I DO appreciate my daughter and son-in-law for taking me in and have never once complained or asked for anything and I give them as much privacy as possible; beggars can’t be choosers, but… since I have been here I have been pretty much on a steady diet of white bread sandwiches, pasta, tuna, eggs, soup and canned corn and green beans. Which is what I am allowed to eat and the white bread and pasta I would never normally eat. I do sometimes “sneak in” some other veggies if there are any and if I think no one will notice that I took a few. My Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday dinners have all been sandwiches or tuna helper and I have been “invited” to have what they fixed for themselves maybe 3 times, total. I have never been invited to share in a pizza or even taken out for a burger, not once, not even for my birthday. They notice if I ate something of “theirs” but they don’t notice, or care, just how very little I have been eating. I used to eat much more healthily simply because I prefer fresh foods. But now I have pretty much lost my appetite and have lost a good deal of weight, which I really can’t afford to lose. Not once have I been asked if I need anything (like toothpaste, shampoo, whatever). My “pay as you go” phone ran out of minutes around Thanksgiving and I didn’t have the $20 to reload it so I don’t have a ‘phone. If I had some sort of medical emergency I would not even be able to call 911 (not that I would) but it’s sad to think that the kids don’t care that I couldn’t. We don’t talk much because when I tried to the responses I got were mostly shrugs–’yeah’ ‘no’ ‘stuff’ etc. and I didn’t have the energy to try to continue.

Obviously, I am “costing” them very little in time, privacy or money but it’s still too much. It’s their money and they certainly can spend it any way they chose but it seems that there is always money for alcohol and dinners out and very little for groceries. I guess I wore out my “welcome” even before I moved in, they bitterly resent me for being here in this situation and have given me till April 1st to be gone. I don’t blame them for feeling this way or if they are embarrassed by me, why wouldn’t they be. I have only myself to blame.

It seems unfortunate that I would have my epiphony so late in life and when it’s too late to do anything about it. I can’t get any financial or health-related help–every budget is being cut and I don’t qualify for anything, especially since I can’t pay for the doctor visits I need to even begin any qualifying process. The low income health clinics aren’t even taking new patients because of budget cuts, not that I could afford to pay them anything either. People who have severe illness, disability or injury are being kicked off their programs; obviously not everyone matters. Before I moved in here I had some sort of “episode” where I apparently laid, at least, in some sort of semi-conscience state for two days. My daughter and son-in-law insisted that I go to the emergency room and assured me that I wouldn’t have to pay for it because I had no income, which I of course knew was BS, but I was too weak and out of it to argue. The only thing I got out of that three hours was a $5600 bill which of course I can’t pay.

So… here’s the bottom line: I have very bad debt which I will never be able to pay back, I have very bad teeth which I will never be able to have fixed, and I have bad health which I also cannot fix. I just don’t see any reason to ride the bus (or busses) to some crappy job, live in a shelter or with a roomie or some crappy apartment (if I can even get into any with my credit rating) just so every extra penny I make goes to pay off debt or to exist till I can collect my $650 a month in social security. That would not be living.. it would merely be existing. I think that a human body is like a used car— at some point it’s just not worth putting any more time and money into it. There’s just too much wrong with me emotionally, mentally and physically to ever fix.

I think there is a very big difference between “living” and “existing” and I have been existing for far too long. I’m never happy or hopeful or sad or disappointed or even depressed–emotions require feelings and I no long “feel” ANYthing, except maybe tired and numb. I’m always dismayed when I wake up in the morning (another pointless day) because I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I can only hope that the next life will be better or at least I won’t repeat the many, many mistakes I made in this one.