RSSit never goes away, I wish I could forget
I’m 21 now and even though I don’t live where this happened, it’s with me always and I think if I share it I will take a load off? I don’t know, but not being able to talk about something because of being judged or losing friends is a terrible feeling.
I was fifteen and that probably be an innocent time, but I was always doing bad stuff. I had a best friend (we don’t talk anymore) and we used to sleep over in her basement, sneak out at night and all sorts of stuff. We messed with boys, she was worse than I was and she taught me how to give oral sex to them, I thought that was cool, but never wanted to see the boys again after that. We tried fooling with each other, but that didn’t turn me on and sort of made me sick a little. We were just bored and experimenting. We played lots of dare games and would laugh at how stupid we were. You think at the time, that you will forget stuff and it won’t matter, but it does! She had this dog and I love dogs, he would lay on us and eat our food when we would watch mtv or movies. When we would hit each other with pillows or shove each other around, he would jump on us and it was hilarious. I’m not sure what kind of dog he was, but he was big to us then. He growled at guys when we let them sneak in the window, but never growled at girls, I always wondered how he new the difference. He also would shove his nose between your legs and we’d laugh and be embarrassed. If I was alone, I thought I wouldn’t care, but it’s embarrassing to have that happen with friends around. We were playing the dare game and the idiotic dog was always in the way. I dared her to touch his thing… so she flicked at him, but that wasn’t much of a dare and I had to also and he didn’t care. We fooled with guys, but had never had any sex really. If you walked around on all fours, like to get the remote, or anytime really, the dog would jump on us like we were dogs and he’d hump on us. My friend dared me to hold still and not stand up, which is what we did when he tried that. I was embarrassed by his doing that and said no a hundred times. She told me nothing would happen and I could dare her anything after. Ok, so I had underwear on and my t-shirt, so ok, it’s only me and her. It was funny, but when I let him, he wouldn’t do it? But that wasn’t the dare, so we pushed other until he started jumping on us again and he got his front legs around my waist and tried to hump me. We were laughing like crazy. It got serious when my psycho friend pulled down my underwear and he actually got into me. It was funny until then! he wouldn’t let me go and I couldn’t get away from him. I was scared to death and it also hurt. I was half crying and half bitching out my friend and she was laughing at first and then tried to stop him with me. He wouldn’t let me go until he was finished. I hated my best friend more than anything at that moment and I was going to tell my parents and I wanted her dog shot, I didn’t know what to think about that. I was afraid she would tell everyone and I was so scared. She begged me not to tell and not to hate her. The only way I could think of making sure she never told about it, was to make her let him do the same to her. In the end that’s what she did and I felt better about getting her back, but not any better about what happened. I stil think about it and how that ruined our friendship and changed my life. I feel dirty. My hands are trembling while I write this down on here and am thinking I should not send it out. Wow, even my breathing is nervous. All these years later, I think about that when I see male dogs and I hope no one ever plays around like that. It is something you can’t get rid of. It seems like it might feel good? But it doesn’t, I even have night mares about dogs and not being able to get away from them. And it does not turn me on. Well, at least I can confess this and maybe it will help. Please, don’t fool with a pet like this.
Anonymous on October 24th 2007 in Regret
Futurist said on 25 Oct 2007 at 1:03 am # Quote
Go to a church and find help with God to forgive you for your foolishness. More people than you can imagine will mess with animals, but it is evil and you need to be forgiven.
Kimbah said on 25 Oct 2007 at 11:28 am # Quote
This doesnt make you dirty, its just like a human being being rapped by another human being. You didnt want this to happen, and by reading your entry your friend sat there and let this happen even though you were asking for help. Its rape, you said no and didnt want it, simple.
Myself being a victim of rape, I understand your concern and worry. It doesnt leave, but being a prison of your past does not help. And also, a true friend would not let that happen to you in the first place, so you should think about calling her your “friend”.
Remember life is short, and staying a prisoner of your past gives you no future.
Begin new, start fresh, make new friends - real friends. And remember, your not dirty! This was an event out of your hands, you did not pull down your panties remember that.
I hope your mind starts to ease!
writer said on 25 Oct 2007 at 10:43 pm # Quote
Thank you futurist
I know and I am ashamed, you are right it IS my fault… I knew that, you just pointed it out
people think I’m beautiful and don’t understand why I have basically no self esteem. I needed you to tell me that it was evil and my fault. thank you for your honesty
Kimbah
I’m sorry for what happened to you. but I did make decisions that put me in a bad place and I knew better. I don’t know if confessing this was a good thing after all, I sort of feel worse.
Futurist said on 27 Oct 2007 at 12:55 am # Quote
Writer, we have a Savior who died to take your guilt away. Why don’t you pray to Him and ask for forgiveness. I did some things worse than what you did, so please do not feel alone.
Anonymous said on 18 Nov 2007 at 12:53 pm # Quote
I’ve been reading on how you’ve responded futurist. It good on your part to show her that God will forgive her of her sins through the Lord Jesus, even the ones that seem like it’s at a point of no return. That’s the best news!….Leave the past behind and choose daily not to continue living in sin.
Anonymous said on 27 Nov 2007 at 6:18 am # Quote
Piss on all the Jesus Jargon. It was an accident, a very bizzare and freakish one to say the least. You certainly didn’t intend the full outcome, and your friend seems more to blame, even if innocently. Try to talk it out with a therapist if that helps, otherwise, time will heal you. You’ll think about it less and less. Forgive yourself, piss on everyone else, you only need to forgive yourself.
writer said on 04 Dec 2007 at 2:30 am # Quote
I want to tell everyone THANKS
In the end, this has helped me a little
And I’ve learned that I’m not alone
I don’t feel guilty about it anymore, it is the past and I don’t have to eperience it over and over…. so thanks
Anonymous said on 07 Jan 2008 at 11:12 am # Quote
I can understand why you can’t get it out of your head cause things to do with sex and ones intimacy are sacred (in a non religious way). What Kimbah suggested is a very good idea: start anew, find new people, new friends. A busy life will distract you from thinking of those things hopefully. As for that friend..I’d stay away from people like her. Someone who makes you do all those things is simply bad influence in my eyes.
Izzy said on 09 Feb 2008 at 12:12 pm # Quote
I say you should’ve whooped the b**ch azz. How could she be so freaking disgusting. But dont feel bad about it. It wasn’t your fault. Just get past it. Move on with your life. And be careful with who you befriend!
writer said on 09 Apr 2008 at 11:03 am # Quote
Thank you Izzy, she was my best friend… we haven’t talked for years though. I appreciate what you wrote.
We don’t even live in the same State anymore… I totally live in the country now.
Angel said on 15 May 2008 at 7:26 am # Quote
Writer: It’s brave that you have spilled this.U are not alone and Jesus Loves you.I just tell him this in a prayer and ask for his presence in your life.After forgiving you, have the bravery to let it Go.Read inspirational materials and be strong.If you need a friend, you can mail me.
My arms are open for everyone.
GOD LOVES YOU