Immense self hate

Posted by in Regret on Jul 9th, 2008 | 3 comments

For about two years now, I have been living with a shadow of irrational self-hate. Or at least, that’s what it feels like. I can’t accept any praise, because I automatically assume that it’s always a big fat lie. I’m too paranoid to believe anyone else’s opinion of me, because in my mind, the only person that is truly honest about myself is me. I constantly worry about who I am becoming, and if I am turning out just like my father (he is a very close-minded man who is also extremely racist, homophobic and sexist). In my mind, I see myself as a horrible, hateful person prone to unrequired violent acts and spiteful words. In fact, I do not understand how people can stand being around me, and why my friends stay by my side. I feel like a disappointment to everyone. I self-harm (burning, picking at wounds until they bleeed, scratching), binge drink, starve myself…. Really- it feels like they’d be so much better without me. No, it feels like the world would be much better without me. One less mouth to feed, one less taking up precious oxygen- I feel like a waste of space and resources. These days, I honestly see no reason to why I should keep walking this earth. I cause my friends and family so much pain it just isn’t fair. I really think it would be better for all if I just quit living.

3 Responses to “ “Immense self hate”

  1. Nobody says:
    July 9, 2008 at 4:07 am

    Wow, I never thought that somebody else in this world would think like this. I know this dosen`t help but I feel exactly the same way you do. I harm my self the same way you too but I call it punishing my self and my dad is also very edgy nad angry and abusive towards me and the family. I dont know what else to say to you , just dont do something you would regret.

    Reply
  2. Another Suicidal Teenager says:
    July 9, 2008 at 6:45 pm

    Believe me… It helps a little just knowing I’m not alone in this feeling. Being alone is just agony. It feels more like this hatred is right, you know? But it shouldn’t be. And knowing this fact should be enough, but it never is.

    Reply
  3. Anonymous says:
    December 16, 2010 at 5:56 pm

    Yeah, I feel similarly, but also with a lot of guilt for stupid stuff, sometimes for a reason. I wish I could go back to feeling normal but it’s become such an ingrained pattern.

    Reply

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