I wish I had died that day.
Posted by Anonymous in Regret on Feb 1st, 2010 | 9 commentsAbout half a year ago, I had almost succeeded in ending my life, but because I cared so much about someone taking notice, I waited until a family member came into the upstairs hallway where I had been sitting. I even had a full notebook of suicide letters. My mother came up after 30 minutes and found me with deep cuts all over my wrists. They weren’t deep enough though. But I wish I had gone deeper.
After that, my mother went down and brought my brother up with her. He sat down with me, and my mother went down again to make an emergency call to Brampton Hospital.
I felt so horrible after that, because it was the first time I had seen my older brother cry. The only thing I could say was sorry while he held me. He told me to stop because saying that made it worse. I found out then that he was also suicidal.
As it is obvious, I didn’t go through with it. Only because I love my brother dearly. Which is also a problem in itself. I’m in love with my biological brother. I know its wrong, and I can’t tell anyone about it for I fear what will happen. Then I will surely have the motivation to ending it all. This is not the type of love that most teenagers take lightly. It is not like.
Please, don’t say anything like “You’re disgusting, how could you have feelings like that for your own flesh and blood?!”
I just wanted to let it out. I’ve been keeping it down in my deepest memories and thoughts for so long, and it was hurting so much to keep it locked within myself.
You may want to know my age just for the heck of it. I’m only 16, soon to be 17 in July.
I guess my hopeless sin is lust.
9 Responses to “ “I wish I had died that day.”
Leave a Reply
Subscribe
you did not mention a father so I’m going to assume it is only you, your mother, and your brother. It seems that you love your brother so deeply because he played the role of the strong male figure in your life that you lacked because you’re father was not able to. You may see him as your “rock” or protector and so you depend on him and thus love him. You are still very young, and you need to give yourself an opportunity to live and experience life. talk to an unrelated third party like a therapist about your feelings…he/she will not judge you and you can speak freely about how you feel and why you feel that way. It will help you to not have those feelings bottled up inside. Take care of yourself and give yourself a chance at life. God bless you and keep you.
I could only wish that weren’t the case. Sadly, I do have a father(I have two brothers), and he lives with us. But he is entirely useless and I have no sympathy for him at all. I dispise my father, but I plan to remain neutral until I have the means to support myself and go someplace else. I’d like to go to Germany someday.
I saw a regular doctor several times after that day but my mother made it obvious how she belittle’s my problems and feelings. Thus I haven’t seen a therapist as of yet. As well, my age plays a huge factor in this situation.
What you said about how I see my brother as my “rock” or my protector. It is true. He knows a lot more about me than others do, he accepts all of it. I can tell him many things I can’t tell my friends.
I’d like to tell about every one of my other secrets, however, I rarely have enough energy to do anything, perhaps because of my diagnosed depression, or just because I’m emotionally drained.
Hey,
You can’t help who you have feelings for. You shouldn’t beat yourself up over that. I know it may sound really impossible now, but you will be able to really love somebody else one day. You can have more than one love in your life. You know you could never have a ‘love-relationship’ with your brother and, but then again so many people are in love with people that are completely out of reach. Don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t let the feelings for your brother take over your life. It’s one step at a time, but eventually your life will get better.
Please don’t give up yet. You’re still so young. I know sometimes it feels like life is pointless, but I think you didn’t go through with it that day for a reason. For me it worked to think like: I’ll at least hold till I’m 20. I’ll save money, so I can travel to the other side of the world, see how other people live their lives and(literally)take some distance from everything that’s been hurting me. There are so many other ‘worlds’ and possibilities to live your life. Before you give up, you should at least have tried them.
Are you getting any professional help?
Perhaps you should consider telling him/her about the feelings for your brother. They can’t do anything to you and they can’t even tell anyone else, but maybe they could help you learn to deal with it.
Lucy is right: everyone has more than one love in their life. It feels so all-consuming now, but once you fall for another guy or distance yourself emotionally from your brother it will feel different.
I can’t help but think that if you really wanted to commit suicide, you would have just done it instead of waiting until someone found you. Just a thought. Perhaps this was a cry for attention? Maybe you realise that you really, really need to talk to someone about this? Maybe your subconious realises that this is an unhealthy position to be in? My advice is to go and see someone about this, and try to move on.
Do you think your brother loves you back in the same way? Because if he does, then i think you should pursue things with him. Yeah, people think it’s “wrong,” but who are you really hurting? If you research relationships like what you could have with him, people actually benefit from them. Yes, again, it’s “wrong,” but WHY? If you’re responsible, keep it a secret and use protection, why is it wrong? Give yourself one good reason. Who are you REALLY hurting? Nobody, you are only making yourself and the one you love happy. What you two could have might be beautiful, and you already know that you would never hurt each other.
Romantic love between siblings is so much deeper, it has so many more layers of trust and shared experiences, and is unconditional in a way that conventional romantic love often only pretends to be.
i think you should go out and pursue a relationship with someone else and you might realize that all you feel for your brother is a deep sisterly love. i think throughout your life your brother has played a huge role as a brother, father, and friend and because of that your much more closer to him then you are with anyone else. im not dismissing your infatuation with but just saying that due to your age, your not really in love with your brother in the way you think you are, but more of a deep bond with him that your mistaking for love.
also no matter what your mom says, i think you need to see some sort of therapist, maybe he/she will be able to sort out your emotions better and be able to give you guidance. also you need to get help with your depression. i’ve had depression and i can tell you, you need to get help because life is precious. it might feel like crap right now, but im telling you, you have a lot of life to live and every second should be cherished.
best of luck
We have a lot in common but also in difference.
I’m fourteen and have attempted suicide and like you I have strong romantic feelings for my brother.
But I don’t have a father and I don’t believe that is the reason like someone suggested.
I know it’s wrong but I can’t help it and it just makes the rest of the abandonment and childhood pain worse that I can’t have him and he is also going to college in a different state far away in a few months.
I feel like my heart is ripping.
Also, Germany is a place I want to move to when I start supporting myself. I learned German and German customs. I want to move to Leipzig. Just thought I’d add that.
Yeah…don’t listen to that anonymous poster who told you to go pursue romance with your brother. That will mess you guys up even more, and probably ruin your lives. If your mom doesn’t take you seriously, is there a counsellor at your high school you can talk to? Even a favourite teacher? Please talk to someone. I was suicidal when I was a teen, and I know life can seem hopeless, but I promise you things will change. Even in a couple of years, your life can be totally different. Get some help, and hang on.
Did you get your period early, compared to other people in your class? Odd question, but I ask because it’s been proven that girls get their periods earlier when there is a non biologically related male in the house. If you did in fact get an early period, it MAY be an indicator that one/both of you might be adopted. The body remote analyzes many things without our knowledge, such as immuno-compatibility (people with opposite immune systems smell more attractive to us as a function of protecting children against a wider range of diseases) and there is probably a biological function that retards such emotions towards biological family, on the grounds that it’s evolutionarily stupid to do. I’d see about a blood test for the both of you, just to be sure. Parents lie too.