Secret Confessions

After I married, I promised my wife that whatever she wished, I would do my level best to fulfill it.

She said nothing.

After she graduated college, I told her how proud I was of her, and restated that whatever she wished, I would do my best to fulfill.

She said it was time for me to take my time and finish my degree.

I poured my heart into my studies and graduated with honours, and within weeks of graduation had done the impossible - I secured a job in the very competitive world of television to go in tandem with my blossoming radio career.

When the opportunity to work full time in television arose, I left my job in radio because I thought the opportunities for quicker and further advancement lay in the television arena.

I was right. My career hit a fast track, and within months, I was being offered my very own show to produce - but at a very insignificant salary with a questionable schedule. I was told that the salary would follow within months when I would be offered the opportunity to transfer across the country.

She was tired of spending every night alone, and hated the thought that that unsure schedule may increase those lonely nights, and didn’t want to leave both our families for a chance at monetary success in another - much larger - market.

Honestly? I didn’t want that to happen either, but I did the cowardly thing - I told her I would obey her wishes.

She didn’t want to leave.

I turned down the job.

Within weeks, I was unemployed, with no prospects.

We then had our first child - while I was still unemployed. I had been blacklisted in our community and no one wanted me on their staff. We didn’t want to leave town.

So we stayed.

After months of taking temporary jobs with no real opportunity for real employment, I took a dull windowless desk job two days after our first child’s first birthday.

Job security was good.

Two months later, she told me that she had lost respect for me since it took so long to get another real job. She even told me that she didn’t love me anymmore.

The relationship was cold, and I jumped at any opportunity for quality time with her - which happened very rarely.

After one of those rare times, we concieved our second child, and continued with our cold, unfeeling relationship.

After three years, the flame began to rekindle, and our relationship has now grown very strong.

Now, though, the job that I took that I originally felt security from has become an encumbrance to my happiness, and I absolutely abhor what I am doing now.

I stay here, because it provides monetary security as I put her through school for her graduate degree.

When she gets the degree, she will be financially secure, in and of herself.

I fear that she will no longer need me.

I fear that I made wrong decisions.

I wonder where we would be if I had said yes to an uncertain position and an inevitable move across country.

I wonder if our relationship would’ve survived.

I wonder if I would’ve regretted taking my parents’ grandchildren away from them.

I wonder if I would have regretted not spending more time with my best friend before he died three years ago.

I wonder if I would be a top teir television executive by now.

I wonder…

I wonder….

I wonder….