Currently Browsing: Regret

Skin color

Skin color, religion, nationality etc was never an issue for me. In my family we have many many different people from different countries and I was raised to respect every single person regardless of his/her sexual orientation or cultural background. I’ve done this all my life.

Until I moved to Africa (3 different countries) 2 years ago and turned racist. My contract will end next year and I can’t wait for it because of 2 reasons: first to get rid of all these uneducated people who have not the slightest idea of hygiene and social behavior and second to get rid of my racist thoughts and go back to my old self.

Nevertheless, I still think that, as long as red blood is running through our veins, we ALL have the same rights and duties.

god please help me

god, please help me get out of this mess that i have created myself. i need you to please help me. i have realized my mistake and i am extremely sorry to the people i have hurt and broken their trust. please god, help me. only you can fix this, please help me get my life back. thanks.

Slept with a married man

[Remorse]: I woke up feeling lost and guilty this morning. I met up with an ex-boyfriend last night. He contacted me and asked to catch up. We have not seen each other in over 4 years. I saw that he was married on Facebook but figured it would be nice to catch up see what he had been up too we had dated in our early 20’s and now as we are approaching our 30s. We met up and it was surprisingly good, the conversation was natural and friendly and we talked about the past a bit and why we broke up. I asked him about his marriage and he seemed embarrassed at first but later told me that he had married his mother sisters daughter so that she would be able to come to the states. He seemed pretty distraught and regretful about the decision and has apparently told his family that he wants to end the marriage because its a sham but his family is pretty set on him continuing the marriage and hoping that “they end up liking each other” (which i find a little gross but that’s his culture). He told me that the women he married–his wife is still trying to make the marriage work despite from what he tells me he continues to communicate to her that he does not feel the same way and did this to help her. She is currently not in the US from what i gathered appears to be dragging out the paperwork process on her end to come to the US.
In that same conversation he told me that he had always wanted to contact me throughout the years but figured i would not give him the time of day. Lastly he asked if i would wait for him as in give him some time to fix this situation so that we can have a chance. He also told me he felt awful that he was even posing this idea to me ( he looked like he was about to cry at this point so i figure he was being honest he had never been the type of person so be openly emotional.)
He ended up sleeping over my house as he drove 30 minutes to meet me and didn’t want to risk the possibility of getting pulled over since we had a few drinks at a local bar around where i lived. And we slept together…
Now I feel like a like a complete idiot and guilty because at the end of the day he’s married and i knew that. I have no idea what i’m doing.

I wish I had been aborted.

Can I confess something?

I greatly wish that my mother would have aborted me. I am a burden to my family, myself and society.

She had me in her thirties and is still married to my father. I did not come from a broken home. I did not have a horrible family life. My mother and father love me and provide for me.

Instead I am trapped in a mental hell that not even counseling has helped. I have been on several medications. I am a loser who depends on family to support me financially, because even the thought of getting a job induces panic and anxiety. I am lonely. I have no friends. I’m fat. I am thirty-one and I have never been in a relationship. I fear being alone for the rest of my life. I am different. I wanted God to rescue me. I wanted things to get better. I prayed for years for change. For God to change my heart. He has not. Things continue to get worse.

Please think again when telling people how bad abortion is. It is not. Because I could be with Jesus this second if she had aborted me. Now I am here, born, on earth, and suffering every second of my life.

Abortion is not all bad.

Nobody knows

Three years ago, I “lost control” while driving, and drove my company car straight into a mountain wall. The car was totally ruined, yet I miraculously survived all-but uninjured (a battered thumb I couldn’t really use for about two week was the worst I got, amazingly). My boss told me “not to worry” about the car, he even provided me with a new company car a few months later.

Everyone thinks it was an accident, but it wasn’t. I’ve never at one point felt glad about not dying that day. Life sucks.

I attempted to kill her

I tried to kill my best friend. I manipulated her into suicide attempts with me. I am such a bad person. I didn’t know what I was doing at the time. My head was everywhere. I’m on medication now. I thought everybody, including her was against me or out to make my life hell. Now she doesn’t want anything to do with me, and I don’t blame her. I wish she, or others could understand that it wasn’t the real me at the time. But now I don’t have anybody… I shouldn’t have done what I did but it’s done now.

Dead inside

I’ve spent 18 years pretending to be someone I’m not that I have no idea who I even am anymore and I feel like I rotted away on the inside and I die inside a little more every day. There’s nothing left worth trying to save. I deserve to die, and I feel like I’m ready to.

Sinking

I feel like I am slowing sinking into depression. I used to be optimistic, bubbly, determined, social, etc but the person I am probably going to spend my life with is sucking that all out of me.
He is controlling, verbally abusive, insecure, jealous and completely dependent on me. Even when things are good I’m just waiting for them to go wrong.
I think I totally ****** my life up and I know I don’t have the courage to change it. Every day I dream of leaving. I don’t even want to be with someone else.. I want to be ALONE. I feel like I could do amazing things if I were alone. If I’m not dreaming of leaving, I’m dreaming of dying… because I dont know how else to get out.
If i left, I know he’d have nothing and I truly believe he would kill himself. I can’t do that to his family, who I love like my own.
So i go on every day, taking his abuse, catering to him, doing everything to keep him happy while I am slowly rotting from the inside out. I had to write it own or else I will explode.

If life had gone differently.

I broke up with my ex 12 years ago, but we stayed close friends – though, we don’t see each other often. I’ve been in a relationship for ten years and my ex has been in a relationship for the past four. Yet every time we visit each other, you can cut the sexual tension with a knife, and we have often discussed what it would be like if we never split up, and that we really shouldn’t cheat on our significant others, but we’re dying to be entwined in each other sexually and romantically.

Every night

When I lay down every night I wish that I won’t wake up in the morning. I hate my life. My partner is a lazy bum who won’t get a real job or contribute in any meaningful financial way. My mother bullied me into a business that I loathe, but I’m saddled with so much debt as a result that I can’t get out. I work 4 jobs. I just feel so overwhelmed all the time. I take care of everyone, but no one takes care of me, until last week, when I met up with an old friend who has always loved me, and we ended up having an afternoon of great sex, but now I feel guilty about that also. It was just so nice to have someone pamper me and cuddle me and take care of me. I wish I could be with him all the time, but he’s married. What a mess my life is. I have surgery coming up in a few weeks. I kind of hope there are complications and I die on the table. It would be so much easier than this.

sometimes

Sometimes I wish I would have died that night…

My wish for you

I hate that all these years later I can’t let go of you. I think about you every single day. I don’t want to be with you but I want to hear your voice or your laugh. I want you to be as happy and loved as I am. I want someone to love you with their whole heart and soul. I don’t want to be with you but I love you so much that I would give anything for you to be happy. I love you but I wish I could let you go. I’m not afraid to die because I feel like we will find each other in the next life, this one we were meant to navigate on our own. The guilt of having an easy life while you struggle haunts me every day. Every single day. I want for you to have what I have. No one deserves it more than you. If you read this, please know that I do love you very very much and I wish I could just let go and accept that we are not together so it should not matter how you are. But it does. I ask the universe all the time to bring you someone who can love you the way I do. I just want you to be happy and healthy and so loved.

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