Currently Browsing: Regret

I attempted to kill her

I tried to kill my best friend. I manipulated her into suicide attempts with me. I am such a bad person. I didn’t know what I was doing at the time. My head was everywhere. I’m on medication now. I thought everybody, including her was against me or out to make my life hell. Now she doesn’t want anything to do with me, and I don’t blame her. I wish she, or others could understand that it wasn’t the real me at the time. But now I don’t have anybody… I shouldn’t have done what I did but it’s done now.

Dead inside

I’ve spent 18 years pretending to be someone I’m not that I have no idea who I even am anymore and I feel like I rotted away on the inside and I die inside a little more every day. There’s nothing left worth trying to save. I deserve to die, and I feel like I’m ready to.

Sinking

I feel like I am slowing sinking into depression. I used to be optimistic, bubbly, determined, social, etc but the person I am probably going to spend my life with is sucking that all out of me.
He is controlling, verbally abusive, insecure, jealous and completely dependent on me. Even when things are good I’m just waiting for them to go wrong.
I think I totally ****** my life up and I know I don’t have the courage to change it. Every day I dream of leaving. I don’t even want to be with someone else.. I want to be ALONE. I feel like I could do amazing things if I were alone. If I’m not dreaming of leaving, I’m dreaming of dying… because I dont know how else to get out.
If i left, I know he’d have nothing and I truly believe he would kill himself. I can’t do that to his family, who I love like my own.
So i go on every day, taking his abuse, catering to him, doing everything to keep him happy while I am slowly rotting from the inside out. I had to write it own or else I will explode.

If life had gone differently.

I broke up with my ex 12 years ago, but we stayed close friends – though, we don’t see each other often. I’ve been in a relationship for ten years and my ex has been in a relationship for the past four. Yet every time we visit each other, you can cut the sexual tension with a knife, and we have often discussed what it would be like if we never split up, and that we really shouldn’t cheat on our significant others, but we’re dying to be entwined in each other sexually and romantically.

Every night

When I lay down every night I wish that I won’t wake up in the morning. I hate my life. My partner is a lazy bum who won’t get a real job or contribute in any meaningful financial way. My mother bullied me into a business that I loathe, but I’m saddled with so much debt as a result that I can’t get out. I work 4 jobs. I just feel so overwhelmed all the time. I take care of everyone, but no one takes care of me, until last week, when I met up with an old friend who has always loved me, and we ended up having an afternoon of great sex, but now I feel guilty about that also. It was just so nice to have someone pamper me and cuddle me and take care of me. I wish I could be with him all the time, but he’s married. What a mess my life is. I have surgery coming up in a few weeks. I kind of hope there are complications and I die on the table. It would be so much easier than this.

sometimes

Sometimes I wish I would have died that night…

My wish for you

I hate that all these years later I can’t let go of you. I think about you every single day. I don’t want to be with you but I want to hear your voice or your laugh. I want you to be as happy and loved as I am. I want someone to love you with their whole heart and soul. I don’t want to be with you but I love you so much that I would give anything for you to be happy. I love you but I wish I could let you go. I’m not afraid to die because I feel like we will find each other in the next life, this one we were meant to navigate on our own. The guilt of having an easy life while you struggle haunts me every day. Every single day. I want for you to have what I have. No one deserves it more than you. If you read this, please know that I do love you very very much and I wish I could just let go and accept that we are not together so it should not matter how you are. But it does. I ask the universe all the time to bring you someone who can love you the way I do. I just want you to be happy and healthy and so loved.

Blackmail

I am a male in my mid-thirties. Even though I crossdress, I am straight. I used to be bi-curious but, a few weeks ago, I made a huge mistake. I finally worked up the courage to try it out and arranged on the internet to meet a complete stranger at a nearby hotel for gay sex. After the most appalling night of my life, I was definitely rid of my bi-curious fantasies. Unfortunately, unknown to me, he had hidden a camera in the room and filmed the whole thing. He tracked me down and showed me a couple of excerpts of the movie – one with me stripping down to my bra, girdle and stockings, and another with us having intercourse. He now wants me to continue having a sexual relationship with him or he’ll put the movie on the internet and make sure people at my workplace find out where to access it. So from now on I’ll be spending two or three nights a week at his place, starting tonight. I don’t see I have any choice.

I Go Back To December All The Time

We broke up December three years ago. We’ve both moved on, for the most part. But sometimes I look at my future husband and wish he was you. Nobody has been able to love me the way you did. Nobody has made me as happy as you made me. Nobody has put me in the tumultuous lows we experienced, either, but I’m wise enough to realize that much of it was my fault. If I was the woman then that I am today, our dreams would be a reality. But I wasn’t, and you’re no longer the man I once knew. I’m sorry I ruined you. It was all my fault. I hope you find yourself again and give her all the joy you gave me.

Something which has been eating me up at night for years…

When I was nine or ten, I met a younger boy in an elevator who asked me my name, and if I was a girl or a boy. I was in a bad mood so I grabbed his face and said “Can’t you see that I’m a girl?”

It turned out that he couldn’t. He was blind.

I can’t remember if I apologised or just stood silently till he reached his floor, in shock of what I’d done and I regret it to this day.

I thought about it earlier today during my Foreign Languages exam and nearly broke down in the exam hall. I’m sixteen, and this has been haunting me for the past six years of my life.

I wish I could meet the boy and properly apologize.
Then again, I wish he’d forgotten about that day a long long time ago.

Am I a horrible person? I definitely feel like one.

sleeping in the bed I made for myself

I broke up with the woman I want to be married to…
To be with the woman I married.

I just can’t stop hating myself (TW: depression, eating disorders)

Throughout middle school, after puberty, I got sexually harassed by boys my age. In high school I continued to get sexually harassed by the stupid boys my age. They’d grab at me and make gross jokes and whisper in the classroom knowing I could hear them talking about my body.

I was so angry.
I’ve always been angry.

One day I decided to stop eating so I’d lose weight. The idea was that if I lost weight, they’d leave me alone because I didn’t have anything to grab. I immediately stopped eating more than a meal a day, and I dropped two-three pant sizes in less than a less than a semester.

My body was covered in ugly stretchmarks and I hated myself for what I’d done. I’ve told my best friend of six years about this and she’s the only one that knows, but I’m too scared to tell her that even after I’d achieved what I wanted to accomplish, I still kept starving myself because by that point I just wanted to wither away into nothing and die.

I’m fairly healthy now, but I still hate myself so much. I don’t want her to think I’m pathetic, even though I am, and I don’t want her to feel sad or worried.

I wish I wasn’t like this.

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