my dad died last month. I have emotions. I have hate. Loneliness. I lost my motivation for happiness. I lost my will power. I quit my job. I cheated in my boyfriend with my ex. I told him the truth. and then i found i got an std from my ex which i then gave to my bf. I’m in hell. how did i get in this place. my dad is not here to help me. I wish he was still alive to shake me before i cheated. or perhaps to slap me. I love my boyfriend so much. he does everything for me. he’s loyal. he’s great. i give him shit for his video games and his nerdy friends and his metal music. why am i so blind. I wasn’t raised this way. I grew up poor. i grew up with the nerds. I had 2nd hand clothes. i grew up on alternative music and metal. . . now . . . i am a varsity cheerleader. I went from brown hair to blonde. I have name brand clothes. $140 dollar jeans. i listen to all the trendy music……and for WHAT! where the hell did i lose myself.
I found out i had an STD. I use to be one of those girls that looked down on other girls for being a whore. Sleeping around. . . And i made one mistake. I let myself open to someone who did not love me. I feel bad for being rude to the girls who got an std. they didn’t want this. I took my antibiotics, but im at risk of it staying with me, it could reappear. There’s a chance that it stays with me. And honesty i pray to god this goes away. My mom did not raise me this way. I made this mistake right after my dad died. Is god punishing me right now. why is it, i make these mistake when i am most hurt. My makeup is running because i am crying. my dad died-i quit my job-i cheat on my bf with my ex- and get an std….i deserve this. I’ve never cheated ….till after my dad’s death. this all happened in the same month. I let myself fall apart. I’m in a dark whole and I’m trying to crawl out with out any help.
And I can’t stop. I feel like I have no control over myself. Sometimes I say things and look back a minute later and think why did I make that up. I have had this problem my entire life. Sometimes though when I tell lies it helps people but most of the time it hurts. My husband hates liars and I know one day he will leave me if he finds out. Sometimes I make up stories about people stealing from me because I have memory loss and loose things. And then I look back and hate myself for lying. I am out of control and have no idea what to do about this problem of mine. We just got out of marriage counseling and I have no idea what to do next. Because telling him the truth would only hurt us.
Never cheat in a relationship. It always ends in sadness. I have cheated (or tried to cheat) on every person I’ve ever been with. I am about to get married.
In an attempt to be a more authentic self I have decided to open a part of my life that has caused most of my problems. I am not sure when it all started or why. I am sure at first that there was some need just like all small children to “not wanting to get in trouble” I am not sure how lying turned into something that would rule and repeatedly ruin my life and close relationships for more than 3 decades.
I feel like it started after the first time I was touched inappropriately
at school by my 6th grade teacher. My self worth and and esteem both suffered and I think keeping that secret started the process of lying to make myself feel better. As I grew up I was abused by next door neighbors, family members and the ultimate betrayal, by my maternal grandfather. After being confronted by my mother and other family members who claim to have witnessed the encounter with my grandfather I fell into a spiral of lies that would get worse.
From there it seems that the more I lied the farther away from the horrible truth I could get. The more I lied the better I felt and could avoid the pain of the monster I was. My self worth seemed to spiral and other bad behaviors. Now it seems like it is easier to lie than tell the truth. Lies about where I have lived, what I have done, even the most mundane things that I wish were true but aren’t. I have lied about injuries and illnesses.
I am at a point in my life where my entire family has disowned me (rightfully so ) and my current job is in danger of ending due to my lies and I do not want to continue living. All of this has boiled up to the rim and is threatening to go over the top.
I will be seeking help but I am worried that anyone I ask for help won’t believe me as soon as I say what i need help for.
Am I a narcissist? Or a sociopath? Personality Disorder? Or am I just the monster I have always believed I AM.
I don’t expect anyone to believe any of this because of who I am but I needed to get this out of my head and on “paper”
2 years ago i cheated on my boyfriend. It happened one time and i was in a very bad place. There is nothing that i regret more in my life. We have a beautiful baby together now and we are happy and ive worked through all the issues of my betrayal im just struggling with the guilt of not telling him. I know telling him would just make me feel better about not keeping the secret and make him feel terrible and put him in an awful situation. I just wish i could go back in time and never have done it.
I have failed.
For twenty-three years I have given little back and taken so much more. I thought only of myself. I have created my own crippling problems that continue to hinder me. I continue to fail my college classes. I have an electric and acoustic guitar which have been untouched for over three years. I quit my job because I got lazy and fed my father a fabricated story.
I have no drive. No motivation. No desire. I am a pathetic dreamer who just sits on his fat butt and plays computer games.
I am a dishonorable son who constantly sins against God. God who sacrificed his only son and will forgive any and all sins as long as I am willing to repent. I have yet to repent for a long, long time.
I have grown complacent, soft and weak. Small minded and selfish.
I am ashamed knowing my parents deserve a better son than I. Everyday I put up a facade to cover my shame. I’m just playing on the computer while swapping windows to cover up my unhealthy habit of procrastination. I try to fight it, but it wins almost every time.
Yet, here I am in this good home with my good parents and a merciful God. A belly full of food, warm bed. I didn’t have to struggle and fight through poverty. These are all given to me freely and not wanting anything in return. I am a disgraceful freeloader.
Father, mother, I do not deserve you. My dishonor is your dishonor, my noble parents and I am so ashamed of the pathetic man I have become. Every birthday card reminds me of my shame. Thinking of my grandparents makes me want to hide in a corner. Going outside my house feels like a spotlight is always shinning on me, my naivete and inexperience will surely reveal their ugly heads for the pathetic worm I am.
I am a very disgraceful son. At the very least I keep it to myself.
I tried to kill myself . I failed and ended up going into a coma. I woke up after a day and puked like crazy. The following months after that were some of the roughest of my life. Its been almost a year now of therapy and meds. I don’t cut or hate myself anymore. Sometimes I feel old feelings resurface and I talk it out with a close friend. To those struggling with any mental disorder. It does get better. You just have to let it get better and try to fight for it.
i live in seoul and ive killed too many people so im sorry.
Skin color, religion, nationality etc was never an issue for me. In my family we have many many different people from different countries and I was raised to respect every single person regardless of his/her sexual orientation or cultural background. I’ve done this all my life.
Until I moved to Africa (3 different countries) 2 years ago and turned racist. My contract will end next year and I can’t wait for it because of 2 reasons: first to get rid of all these uneducated people who have not the slightest idea of hygiene and social behavior and second to get rid of my racist thoughts and go back to my old self.
Nevertheless, I still think that, as long as red blood is running through our veins, we ALL have the same rights and duties.
god, please help me get out of this mess that i have created myself. i need you to please help me. i have realized my mistake and i am extremely sorry to the people i have hurt and broken their trust. please god, help me. only you can fix this, please help me get my life back. thanks.
[Remorse]: I woke up feeling lost and guilty this morning. I met up with an ex-boyfriend last night. He contacted me and asked to catch up. We have not seen each other in over 4 years. I saw that he was married on Facebook but figured it would be nice to catch up see what he had been up too we had dated in our early 20’s and now as we are approaching our 30s. We met up and it was surprisingly good, the conversation was natural and friendly and we talked about the past a bit and why we broke up. I asked him about his marriage and he seemed embarrassed at first but later told me that he had married his mother sisters daughter so that she would be able to come to the states. He seemed pretty distraught and regretful about the decision and has apparently told his family that he wants to end the marriage because its a sham but his family is pretty set on him continuing the marriage and hoping that “they end up liking each other” (which i find a little gross but that’s his culture). He told me that the women he married–his wife is still trying to make the marriage work despite from what he tells me he continues to communicate to her that he does not feel the same way and did this to help her. She is currently not in the US from what i gathered appears to be dragging out the paperwork process on her end to come to the US.
In that same conversation he told me that he had always wanted to contact me throughout the years but figured i would not give him the time of day. Lastly he asked if i would wait for him as in give him some time to fix this situation so that we can have a chance. He also told me he felt awful that he was even posing this idea to me ( he looked like he was about to cry at this point so i figure he was being honest he had never been the type of person so be openly emotional.)
He ended up sleeping over my house as he drove 30 minutes to meet me and didn’t want to risk the possibility of getting pulled over since we had a few drinks at a local bar around where i lived. And we slept together…
Now I feel like a like a complete idiot and guilty because at the end of the day he’s married and i knew that. I have no idea what i’m doing.