Midlife Crisis

I don’t want to be with my husband anymore. He’s a nice guy but I can’t stand being the one to hold our marriage and family together (2 kids). I’ve been having a long distance affair for the past year with a man that I have crazy lust love for, but he will never leave his wife and kids. I’ve known him for over 15 years and have just recently reconnected with him again. I recently had another affair with a man whom I had a total crush on. It was a huge let down because there is nothing good that can come of it. I don’t want to be married. I don’t want to be a mom anymore. I just want to have my life back. I feel zero guilt, which I find very troubling. I’m turning 40 next year…is this a midlife crisis?

Playing with fire is a bad, bad idea

I am 15, and my self harm has spiraled so badly out of control. 3 times a day, at least. It’s been like that for the past 18 months. I spend £50 in the chemist each month. I recently split a vein in my leg, and almost bled out. But tonight I really, really messed up.
I looked at my legs and how mutilated they were, wishing the scars would leave. I had a sickening idea. I set cooking oil alight on them for 3 seconds. All my scars are now replaced by one massive bloody, burnt mess. I daren’t go to A&E – they’ll tell me I am a waste on the NHS resources. What if I do this again? I cant stop hurting myself and I have never been more scared.

I really think you hate me

You will never see this. EVER. I WILL die one day, and who will you will have? Your snarky mother? Or your father that NEVER EVER knew your worth. Your brother is the only one that gets you. At least you’ll have him, but will he keep you warm at night?

A long time ago we had a massive fight and you told me to get out and I did. Tonight, I did the same thing to you. I needed you to go away but you didn’t show me the same respect that I showed you and stayed. Turns out that I shoved you. Something I swore I would never do. I feel so terrible that I did this. I have no excuse at all except that as much as I adhere to you, you never adhere to me.

I sometimes think I have no power in this marriage. PERIOD. You will always make more money than I do unless I go back to school which I will now. I can’t live like this.

I love you so much. You have no idea. I seriously think you hate me because I’m not the perfect, strong girl you married.

The Feeling

I answer calls at a suicide hotline. I didnt really understand what it would be like to feel like wanting to end your life, on the edge of maybe dying so sometimes I replicated situations of someone almost killing themselves; I’d put a handful of pills in my mouth, but not swallow, I’d lay face down in the pool water, holding my breath until the point where I felt my vision go sparkly, or I’d pull a shoelace tight around my neck til it hurt. It scared me yet there was something very thrilling about it.

Having the best of both worlds

I am in a lovless marriage, we stay together for the well being of our disabled child. I am in love with my lover who is on the east coast and who I will never be with. I am having a “friends with benefits” relationship with a male friend who is 10 years younger than me. I know this won’t last but I feel no guilt over it. I am tired of being perfect and being there for everyone else. My fab lets me enjoy with out all the emotional baggage. It won’t last but right now it works

Mean husband

Sometimes I almost hate my husband. He is soooo mean to me. He gets angry for something like putting him on hold and making him wait for a few minutes (which was to talk about a missing check which I thought was important) and then calls me a bitch and says I have an attitude. He gets angry because I have hearing loss when I can’t hear him, but that seems to irritate everyone. He gets angry if I don’t cook. He gets angry if I do cook and he laid down to take a nap and the banging of pots in the kitchen wakes him up. He constantly bitches about everything. I can’t do anything right in his eyes. Then he’ll turn around and talk sex junk to me, like I really want to have something to do with him after he’s mean to me. Then he can be as sweet and caring as a sunny day and say loving things to me at other times. But the mean stuff overwhelms the good. He tells me I’ve got it better than most and that may be true. He doesn’t fool around. He doesn’t watch porn. He’s true to me in many ways and can be very funny. I’m 54 and overweight. I have tried to lose weight and I can’t. Menopause has hit and it doesn’t seem to matter how little I eat. I have health problems that might be making it harder to lose weight. Sometimes I am so miserable.

I found out something that made a pit in my stomach

Its a long story, I am both friends with these two guys that have been close since middle school now they are both in high school.
Lately one of them tells me that my other friends sister that is a couple grades younger has been sending messages to him telling him that she wants to have sex with him. After talking to him he says he is sick to that idea and is trying to avoid her which i believed.Today my friend came over and we hanged out. After he left i checked my Facebook and realized he was still logged in. I decided to try and send himself a message playfully to tell him he hadn’t logged out. Right before i made the message i saw a convo from a couple weeks before. Apparently he is trying to have sex with and it seems they are about to have sex. I know it wasnt right to click on that conversation but it was just a reaction. Now im at a dilemma. Do i tell my other friend that one of his best frfiends is tring to have sex with his sister and risk my other friend not being my best friend, or do i let him get away with it and live with the guilt?

dead dad

i was 8 when you started to molest me, 9 when you started to hit me, and 10 when you raped me. i was 13 when i got pregnant and about 14 when i had your baby. soon after that mom kicked me out so i was 14 with a baby alone on the streets. im now 22 with a daughter whose not only dead but has horrible sight. im disgusted with what you did to me but i will not let that interfear with the love i have for my child. you may have ****** uo my life but i will not let you **** up hers anymore then you already have. you sick son of a bitch can go to hell because next time i see you around ill kill you myself.

im sorry

Today I saw my mom cry. And the she cried was because of me. I made rude remark about the clothes she was wearing. And how I don’t want to be seen with her. After that I went to do a errand. While she waited in the car. When i came back she cried right there in the driver seat saying that I have no respect for her. And when I saw the tears , I knew she was right. She provides a roof over my head, puts food on the table and raised. me for years. And when I realized that I cried because it must be so hard for her to raise a child that doesn’t respect what she does to provide for family. So again mom I’m sorry. And I promise told change.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

I used to tell so many lies it’s disgusting. I hate myself for my lying past. I made up stories and people. Every day. I lied every day of my life. I lied to friends and family and I lied to strangers. I lied about everything. Over the years it bothered me more and more and I gradually confined my lying to strangers online. These people would befriend me, the fake me, and I’d sometimes become close to them. I’d care about them and feel guilty that I lied to them about even my name and face. Every lie I wish I could take back. I was/am pathetic. I have no life. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone but thought nobody would like me if they knew how pathetic I actually am. I’m making a commitment to stop this crap once and for all. Sick of myself. Sick of being such a loser.

happy, even if mom is dissapointed

my mother never understood why i loved the boy i married. she wanted some ficticious rich kid doctor or such, and all i wanted was the boy i married.

my husband works hard, we have a home, our kids are ok, we went on vacation once, too expensive really, we have two cars, both used, and we are happy.

he and i have been lovers since we were fourteen, only person either one has ever been with. didn’t get knocked up until after we married.

sorry mom, you see i love him. and if you want to us to come by, you need to quit the dissapointment tirade.

It’s……..complicated

So there’s this girl that I can’t stop thinking about. Problem #1: She’s dating this guy that is absolutely perfect for her. Problem #2: I’m a girl. Problem #3: I’m straight.
It’s annoying, I’ve been in love before. I dated this guy I was crazy about for two years. I know all the feelings you get when you see someone that you’re in love with. That twist in your stomach, how everything you say sounds ridiculous, how the room gets about 50 degrees hotter when they look at you and smile, how you always know where they are in a room. The weird thing is that I feel all of those things with her. I can’t make it go away. I even dream about her. I always feel super lonely when I leave her. I like her boyfriend, and I like hanging out with them, we always have a good time, but whenever I’m walking to my car I feel like I want to cry. I listen to sad songs on the way home and I always stop for Starbucks. It’s pathetic and I always feel like I’ve been through a breakup when I leave. I just don’t know what to do. I think it’s just a dumb girl crush because I know in the long run I want to end up with a guy. I even tried watching lesbian porn one time because I was curious and it totally grossed me out. The funny thing is, I hate her at the same time. She’s so pompous and I always feel inferior with her. She insanely successful at everything she ever tries. If that song, “Anything you can do, I can do better…” ever came to life, it would be exactly like her. She judges me for the dumbest things, and she treats me like crap sometimes. I just hate, love, loathe, adore, despise, and absolutely idolize her.