i am healthy but

Sometimes I wish I had cancer so people would be forced to see the reality and be honest about how important I was to them at least at some point in their lives.

I can still hear her voice…

Around 6 years ago I was engaged and happy. I had just purchased a house and started a great job; everything was going very well for me. After a few months on the job I met a coworker I had heard great things about. She was great at her job and she was very easy to get along with. While working with her a few times we really hit it off as friends. We shared ideas and thoughts we enjoyed our company. After a while we started spending time together after work. I would lie to my finace about who I was spending time with, even though I was doing nothing wrong; no physical cheating was going on. My finace finally found out who I was spending time with and she accused me of cheating and kicked me out of my own place, so went to my friend to vent to, then it happened, i cheated on my fiance; no sex, but other things.
I made up with my fiance and we continued our realtionship for a few more months while i continually cheated on my fiance. Eventually i told her the truth and we broke up. After that I was fired from my job because my performance was lacking. I was deeply depressed about what I had done and i was extremely confused about who i was. I shut myself away from everyone I knew (my ex, my friend, my family) and I didn’t speak to anyone for months. While trying to forget everyone and everything I met someone else. She brought me out of my depression and I fell in love with her and we are now married. So many years have passed and while I love my wife a day doesn’t go by that I don’t think about my friend and how much I still love her. The feelings have been getting stronger though I haven’t seen or spoken to her all this time. I don’t know what’s making me feel this way, but it has come to the point where I don’t think I can be happy with my wife as long as I still remember my friend. I have urges to find her and talk to her, but I know it will only make my feelings for her stronger. I truly beleive that I love her and my wife both and I don’t know what to do!

Why do I not care that I was raped again?

When I was 12 years old I was raped by a friend of a friend. I would honestly say im not sure how I dealt with that or felt about it but I remember alot of anger more than anything. Again at 19 year old I was raped by a date and this did effect me in many ways. Now 30 years old my boyfriend’s brother rapes me at there home while my boyfriend is out of town on business for a few days. I stopped by to clean up before he returned and his brother forced himself on me. I was upset at first but as a little time went on, I lack the ability to be upset or really feel anything about it. I am not angry at his brother at all, in fact we are fine around one another. I only feel slight discomfort around him sometimes. But my question is, why am I not able to be upset by what happened? It was a clear cut & dry case of rape, but my lack of sadnes or any emotion at all makes me question whether he raped me at all!

One night in London

I slept with a famous musician,whom I went on to be engaged to. He made me swear to secrecy. I hate having to keep it a secret. I still love you.

MY SUICIDE

I am going to kill myself. I already have it all planned. From how I will kill myself ,to how I will have someone to read my statement at my viewing letting everyone know why I did it, and finally to the music I will have played at my viewing so hopefully my So Called Family, and Friends will know what they have done to me. My ex-boyfriend attempted to kill himself by slitting his wrists and he is still alive,I know the right way to cut my wrists so I won’t have to be around anymore.

I want to leave My husband

I cheated on my husband with my best friend. It wasn’t planned it just happened and now I am so lost. My husband cheated on me early in our marriage and I wanted to leave but I was pregnant so I stuck it out. 6yrs later I am standing here guilty of the very same thing I have loathed him for all these years. I love my husband but I am not in love with my husband anymore. I am in love with the pretty picture of being married, I am in love with the dream of living happily ever after. I am so in love with the thought of marriage that I may very well love someone else that could probably be my soul mate but I can’t bring myself to leave my husband because of our children. I am miserable and so depressed that this is my life and there is nothing I can do to change it….

Leaving my fiance for something less conventional?

I am 33 year old woman. I feel as though I’ve almost never made the right decisions in my life. This may be no exception.

I live with a handsome, intelligent man who I have plans to marry in the fall. I have discovered that I am not sexually attracted to him. He is a terrible slob. He talks too much. We drag each other into a mutual paralyzing depression for no discernable reason.

I’ve been contemplating leaving my fiance and moving down the street from a close friend of mine who I AM sexually attracted to. She is bi, and happens to be looking for a third wheel in her marriage.

I only know this because I’m in love with her husband.

Mom

I have to say I still love you whenever you ask. The truth is I don’t. After being called fat, ugly, and dissapointing by you I can’t look at you straight in the eye and say those three words. I try my best and hardest. Why can’t you see that. I try and forgive you, but how when I know you’ll do it again. You want me to live with you when you get old. I’m not, I’m leaving straight for college and leaving you. Then you’ll feel how alone I feel. That’s at least I wish I could do, but I can’t. And you know that. I have sympathy for everyone. So don’t be surprised when one day I’m gone forever. The only way I can get out…

girls

i have no money, no friends and no interests but i am dieing for a female companion. i know i have nothing to offer, i am a good person but it does not matter. i feel sick every time i get close to a girl i like, and i know that she also likes me, but i just can not find it in my heart to talk to her about anything because i know it is better for her to not get involved with me. she may think that she would like to know me better (at least in my mind)but i feel that the truth is i am protecting them all from getting involved with some one who has nothing to offer. it kills me. i want to have some one in my life, but i just can not do it…will my feelings ever change? help.

see you soon!

today i forgave you, for everything youve ever done to me. you left me with a child, no money, no house and no support. but without i wouldnt of gotten to where i am today. remember when you told me i wasnt smart enough and id never go far? i went back to school, i graduated top of my class, and i am now a lawyer for one of the biggest law firms in new york. a women came in today, shes sueing your ass because like me you havent payed her child support in the last 16 years. im going to burn your ass in court.

I’m a horrible person

I’ve spent the past 8 months in an on/off fling with a truly wonderful woman. A purer soul there’s never been and now finally we’re officially in a comitted relationship. But there’s something I’ve never told her. There’s a woman that I’m madly in love with. I haven’t pursued her, because she’s spent most of the year thinking I’m kind of a jerk and hating me, and also because she has a boyfriend. I thought it was best to put her out of my mind and move on, which is why I’ve been pursuing my girlfriend. But ever since we made it official, something has felt really, truly wrong in the relationship. It’s not just me. I feel something weird coming off of her too. I do like my girlfriend and I want to make it work with her, but I can’t get the other woman out of my mind. It seems like ever since I started dating my girl, she’s warmed up to me, and we’ve become very good friends. It’s hard to stop falling in love with her. Impossible, even. But I don’t want to leave my girlfriend for something I know can’t be. But every time I talk to her, I catch myself thinking, hoping that maybe each time I make her laugh it’s an inch closer to her returning my affections. I try desperately to put the thought out of my mind, but I can’t. I feel like my soul is tearing itself apart. Infidelity isn’t an option, but whether I stay with my girlfriend or leave her, I won’t be being faithful to myself. Someone help me. I wish I could just ask God what He wants me to do, but I feel like He’s not answering me, and if He is, I’m not listening because I don’t like the answer. All I want is to do the right thing, but I don’t know what that is. Is it right to put the other girl out of my mind, so that I am not even unfaithful to my girlfriend in spirit? Is it right to leave her so that my soul can be free, but she will be heartbroken? I can’t go on like this, because it’s not right to be dating a woman as a way to kill time until the one you want is available.

Family, friends and aquantiences think I have a great “job”, with great “co-workers” and “kids”.

For the past year, I have played that I have a job working in a preschool that is an hour away.

Truth is I’m not working. While my parents think I’m at “work”, I’m at a cafe, in the library or at a public internet bar where I’m looking for actual work.

The staff at all the places I go to know who I am.

When my mom asks why I’m not showing I’m being paid, I lied and said that it is in another bank account and I’m saving for a place of my own.

I know they have had their own suspicions and even once drove past the place of “work” to see if my car was there. Which it wasn’t and I made up that I got a lift from a “co-worker” when questioned.

My own boyfriend has also been suspicous as I don’t talk about being at “work” and if I do I normally say that the kids did this or that and never give a name to any individual child.

I have had outings to various places and have to rush back home for “work”. I even make up my own hours so then it seems feesiable that I do work. My mom is so chuffed that I have a job that she will tell anyone who listens even the people in town.

Because this lie is getting to much I have taken to telling mom that I’m now doing volunteering work at said pre-school and that my “hours” have been “cut” because of some false reasons.

The other day I was at a cafe near home and a woman came up to me asking how work is. To which she told me that mom told her that my hours have been cut. So now mom is telling her friends and everyone she knows what is going on in my career.

It is getting to the point I’m in deep depression, and the money I am making is from selling items on eBay that I buy at charity shops.

I just want this nightmare to end!