Am I a so bad son?

I wonder if I’m really of all that bad that they says of me… Ok, ok, a lot of things were my fault, I realize tha but I think they really punish me to much…
I will say some of things, goods and bad ones that has happened in my last years (between, I’m 16):

Year of 2001: For what I can record I’ve changed to school to start the 1st year of my elementary school (I’m brazilian, so I guess thats the traduction), to get in the school, you had to make a test of I don’t remember of how much questions to see how much, and if you’d get, a discount in the school mensality, I had a 100% and during the whole year my father had to pay exactly NOTHING for the whole year, and in the following years he had to pay only 50% of the mensalities.

Year of 2004: Now I’ve changed to another school, since a boy in my older one used to bully me and I’m wasn’t being able to study with him on me. In the new school, we had a sistem that the best studentes in every grade may get a medal, and the best student from the school wold get a Trophie. In the same year I got a gold medal and I just din’t get the trophie because I had a tie with a girl that had in her past already 3 medals of gold.

Year of 2005: Another medal and I finally got the trophie in the 1st semester.

Year of 2006: I’ve got a bad grade, not a red one (thats a grade lower than 5,0; here in Brazil grades goes from 0,0 to 10,0) but a 7,5, my father got mad with, sayid things like “The 1st one is the only winner, a 2nd place is just the 1st of a legion of losers!” and he would put me in the worsiest school of the reigon that I live, the name of the place is “School Hiroshima”, a place that have only drugs, violence and prostitution; but my mother made up his mind and he din’t put me in that place.

Year of 2007: Another boy started to bully me and he was making hard for me concentrate in classes. I got a bronze medal, and my parents doesn’t know that. Happily for me, in the 2nd semester the school changed the director and stopped with the Medal Giving Sistem.

Year of 2008: It was when I started to leave home with my friends togo in some places, but my father hated the idea, sayid that my friends weren’t good friendships and made me stop from leaving home, my life became again “from school to home, form home to school”. The boy keeped bulling me.
In this year I joinend the “Order of De Molay”, a kind of Non-Governamental Organ whose main objective was the filantropy.

Year of 2009: I coudn’t take anymore bullies from him, I losed my senses and hit him a lot, ok it was a pleasure, but my dad got so angry with me that he would put me in Hiroshima again, and he really would do it since my grades did falled to much. My mom got pregnant and she used her pregnancy to make his mind and made him stop with that idea.

Today, year of 2010: My father is worsier than ever, at each day he makes more psicological torture in me. He made me left the order (and I was an Orator, that is very important in the order). My mother changed a lot too and now she is every day hittng on me actually she is using brooms. But I am actually studing in a SENAI, that is a profissionalizaing school very important in my country and that had only 18 vacancies for students, and I got in, now I’m getting ready to enter in an Etec, same like the SENAI but even more renomated. I do draw very well, I cook, I know philosofy, psicology and I learned to talk english completaly alone without even making a single school that teachs the language (here in Brazil, someone that talks a 2nd language is the rarest thing of the world, and I talk english, spanish, a little of italian and notions of japanese). But my parents says that I only gives to them shame, sadness, shyness.

So tell me, am I such a bad son? What would you feel if your son was like me? Pride or shame?

have no reason to live

my dad beats me.
my moms dead.
my boyfriend makes me cry more than he makes me smile,
hes cheating on me,
i have scars from him and my dad.
i have no reason to live and i like it when my dad and boyfriend beat me because at least they know im there..

oh and by the way im 13.

The Childhood.

My life was a fairytale, of sorts. We had money, we had multiple cars, I got everything that I wanted, and I was extremely popular for it. The only different thing about my family was, that my parents were the class act drug dealers. The entire circuite from Cuba into the south border up to chicago, through michigan to canada and over to new york was ran in part by my mom and dad. We were loaded, I used bricks of marajauna to climb into their bed when I had nightmares. It was like a fairytale until I turned eleven.
That year, my grandpa died, but that was just before the summer really began.
In June, I was watching Angel, and the cops bust in the doors. There were so many, all had their guns drawn, most were pointed at my dog, who is a pitbull and very bias against intruders. Well, needless to say, the next day my sister and I had to go talk to the social workers. Of course, all of our lives it was “What happens in the house, stays between family.” I knew exactly what that meant. LIE. So apparently that’s what we did.
My dad was the hero, he took the fall for the entire thing, and even turned in people who were bringing 72 lbs of Cubas finest. Later on that summer, we weren’t allowed to leave our grandma’s house, or go back to our own, because these angry men were going to abduct my sister and I until my mom could pay back all of the money that my dad cost them.
Later that year, my parents divorced, and at 12 I began cutting myself shamelessly.
Well, the parent I live with is doing it again, and I can’t tell anyone. But I’m afraid everyday that the police will bust into my nice home, and take me away from my beautiful school, and I will fall from grace again. I know it’s dirty money, but I’m 17, and it’s the only way we pay the bills right now. Maybe I’m wrong, but my parent is doing all that is possible for me, and yet I resent both of us for the fact that it could tear us apart.

Sex, sex, and more sex

My ex was horrible in bed. I don’t know why I spent as many years with him as I did. I secretly lusted after a few of his friends. I’d dream of all of the things I could do to them if I had the chance. Now that I am single once again all I can think about it sex. I go out to bars on the weekends looking to hookup with men. I haven’t followed through yet. But it is all I can think about. One of these nights I am going to meet someone and have amazing sex with them. Is it bad that I can’t wait for that night??

to america

my husbands job is to go fight for your freedom, while im home alone with new born triplets.while his job is saving your lives and protecting your rights,its ruining my life and our marriage.

lost

I am falling back into love with my first boyfriend. I am engaged to someone else. Now that he is gone and off to school. I find myself being with my old boyfriend a lot and I can’t decide what I want anymore. All i want to do is be with him, even when my fiance is home for the weekend.

Stupidity

I think im a pathological liar
i lie about stupid thing that arent even worth lying about.
Then i just look stupid
but i never get caught in a lie
because i do it so much ive become so good at it!

mom,

you were worried about my gay cousin touching me when you should have been worried about my brother touching me…

Just Go!

I took you back after you shattered our marriage and family with your adultery for three reasons. I thought I still loved you, I thought you could change into ‘a woman whom you can respect and trust to make the right choices’ and for our kids.

This weekend at your parents you proved what a worthless piece of s**t you really are. At one time you were my one in a million, now you’re just another self absorbed spoiled bitch no one wants to listen to. The kids don’t like you, too many years of neglect on your part.

If anyone has to leave it’s YOU! The only mistake I ever made was trusting and loving someone who wasn’t worthy of it. Just give us all some peace and leave…

Losing it

Grandpa has alzheimer’s. Every day I spend with him, he forgets who I am, and thinks I’m other people. Every day, he does things that make no sense and that are dangerous and I have to try and make sure he stays safe. Every day… I get a little more irritated even though it’s not his fault. It’s hard to put on a happy face and be supportive and caring through all of this when it doesn’t even seem to matter. So the guilt of my anger and frustration with his disease is eating away at me from the inside because it’s not HIS fault. It’s not anyone’s fault. That’s the problem, there isn’t anything tangible to blame, just some stupid disease that doesn’t have a cure. Why does it have to be like this?! Why can’t he just remember everything like he used to? Grandma and I both feel bad for getting mad at him, but it’s just so much more difficult watching him disappear than we wanted to believe.

Sappy..

I really miss my Dad. He died of prostate cancer this year. I hate bringing people down about it, but his absence really gets to me quite often.

Loser (pt 2)

This is a follow-up tp my first entry: “Loser.”

After putting those thoughts out of my head, and out “on the table” here on Secret Confessions, I was able to see through my situation in a moment of clarity. It helped to read the words and process the idea that I wanted to die, and in doing so I realized that it’s not death that I want, but I WANT TO LIVE A BETTER LIFE.

I want a renewal. I started by cleaning up around my house (clearing my space). I turned off the phone, tv, etc, anything that could distract me. I threw out the stacks of paper put away the laundry. I cut the grass, and when it began to rain, I did not stop. I continued until it was done. I don’t care what the neighbors may think, the rain washed away the pain and tears. It was liberating.

I rode my bike that had been sitting collecting cobwebs, until it made me puke. It hurt like hell, but with each breath that burned my chest I felt a sensation of becoming more free.

I realize that no matter what, I have too much life in me to throw it all away. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of me right now, this is MY life, and I have to forgive myself for my flaws.

I hope this will inspire some of you who may feel you’re at the end of the road to press on and triumph over this moment in your life. Start by doing something nice for yourself. If it’s love you want, show some love to yourself, even for being imperfect. It doesn’t take much to start. It can be as simple as taking a bath. Plant that seed, and it will flourish.

The only way to be a Loser would be to give up on life.