Mum and Dad I love you

Mum + Dad – You always asked “what have i done for me to treat you like i do” “why dont i speak to you”. Here is the reason why..

Dad- I have never had the courage to tell you why. You treated me like dirt. You hit me as a child, for stupid things, i will never forget the beatings with the blue stick.. the day you hit me so hard with it broke. You always took me for granted, i had to do what you said, if not you would scream and shout and hit. I will never forget the summer when i wasnt aloud out of my room.

I was never good enough, i know you favored my brother over me, you used to buy him new clothes,gifts and i got nothing.

Mum- You never helped me when i needed it, you never provided for me, took an interest. Never noticed the marks from the beatings, and if you did i doubt you would have stood up for me, you preferred my brother to.

Non of you noticed the self harming. I remember each cut and why i did it. The scars are there. Non of you noticed that I turned to selling drugs so i would have money to buy my own clothes and food, as you never provided.

But the thing is i still and will always love you, and it pains me to say or think that as you never loved me.

No One’s that good of an actor…

No one in my life actually knows me. People see me as a strong, well-spoken, honest to a fault, woman who can take care of herself. But the truth is that I am almost three thousand dollars behind in my bills, and lying to my partner about it, I lied to my friends about a situation where I lost my job, because I was ashamed, and I hide who I am everyday. My partner of 4 years has no idea who I am, and I am tired of being alone. Ever since my parents died when I was in college, I have been losing a little bit more of myself every day. I am just waiting for the day when I will just cease to exist completely…

To my husband

I know we always tell each other how much we love each other and will never hurt each other. There are days when you are the most caring, loving man that I have ever known and I cherish those moments like nothing else. I know you love me and I you….but you choose to go out and put your friends ahead of me 90% of the time and make excuses whenever I want to go out. So you can be with your friends and drink and have your fun…I understand you have known them longer than me…but there are days where I resent you and hate you…I never tell you but I choose these days to go out and spend time with friends…
(more…)

On death’s doorstep

I just turned 28 yet I feel 98. I have type one diabetes, a back injury, insomnia, depression, and high high anxiety. No healthcare. I grow more and more thin and sickly everyday. I have no boyfriend or kids or much support at all whatsoever. I’m scared I’ll die young and alone. I am forgotten. I am so sick of being sick.

Lemonade Running through my Veins

I’m 15 I know there are other people out there with worse problems and have had worse experience’s and are much stronger than me, i look up to these people.

After a traumatic experience i started using drugs as an escape route. I was 13 and taking up to 20 pills of valium a day. I felt safe like no-one could hurt me and i forgot about him about his vile instincts which made him sexually, physically and mentally abuse me. I got by on this for a long time i felt i could manage like this however i knew what i was doing was wrong and this hurt me. I could understand why i hurt to i hurt myself to feel pain that i knew why it hurt. As i got a little bit older the world of stimulants and hallucinogens were unveiled to me. It made me feel better like i was a different person and i forgot all my memories. I used these in all different forms, speed, coke, e’s, acid, salvia, weed, shrooms, MDMA regularly up to 7 days a week, when i couldn’t use these i used my good old friend valium. And that was the problem they were my friends, My world and people started to notice. My mum got me help. I was angry, frustrated i didn’t want to talk but slowly i came round to the idea. I opened up…a bit and i was subscribed anti-depressants. I don’t feel them working, even when i misuse them. I took a whole 2months prescription in an hour just to feel something but i just threw them up. When i don’t take drugs i get awful flashbacks i can feel him on me. I self harm to a serious degree to forget for a short while. I use still not as much but enough to help me one moment at a time. They keep telling me its only short term solutions as if i didn’t know, but its not a short term thing is it if your staying on it. I lie to them tell them tell them everything is fine and i feel good. Tell them i’m clean and they leave me alone. I’m an A* Student hoping to go to study high level degrees but i’m still a class A f–k up wishing her life would end.

Unforgivable

This summer i made out with my best friend’s boyfriend. I know it was wrong but i liked him before they even started going out. The guilt is killing me but i don’t think i can tell her >.<

What happened to me?

11 years in the military. I recently got out. I just finished my 2nd tour in Iraq. The last year or so Ive felt so angry, so worthless, and so empty. I left active duty a month after returning from Iraq, feeling horrible I bought myself a ticket to the Philippines. Spent 2 weeks there having sex with hookers and drinking non-stop. I hoped to wash my feelings of worthlessness away. And to feel some kind of love, because i felt so empty. It just got worst. In 6 months, I wasted my entire savings of $50,000. That money was to help me return to school. Now I am unable to even pay rent and a credit card bill that I have built up after blowing my savings. I ruined my life. I used to be responsible and mature. What happened to me? Now, I think about killing myself. I don’t only because my younger sister. I don’t want her to deal with that. No one knows what I’m feeling right now. My entire family has always looked at me as the successful one. What happened to me? Broke, depressed, just wanting to die. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m sorry I let myself down. I hate myself. I hate life. I had my dreams right in front of me to grasp. But ruined everything. People rely on me, and I can’t help them. I can no longer help myself. I have nothing. A bunch of medals that only remind me of memories I wish I never experienced. If I didn’t have those experiences, would I be the old me? I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. What’s done is done.

If you had just made me your priority

rather than always putting me second to your family; If you never raised your hand to me or called me those names in moments of anger I would never had cheated on you. And I have cheated on you. And I don’t feel guilty. Even though you may never find out about it, I hope in some small way it makes you fell less secure with me as I’ve been made to feel less secure with you. I like it that you know other men out there find me attractive if it makes you feel a bit scared that one day I just might act on it. I wish I could tell you that I’m only with you because of the kids. If we didn’t have them, I would have walked long ago. How sad that you’ve become a better husband when I just don’t give a shit anymore. I used to love you so much that I put up with your behavior. Now I love someone else. He is poor and and my lifestyle would go down more than one degree, but I would be happier being with him and being poor than with being with you and being comfortable. But I will stay with you because my kids didn’t ask to be born and they are wonderful and smart and talented and I would rather die than make them unhappy or **** up their life.

I love her but something is missing

I am madly in love with a woman, we are in our 40′s and she feels the same about me. But my problem is with her in the sexual department. She is not very sexual at all and gets all freaked out over everything. I am very very sexual and it is killing me. She does not like to talk about it at all, she gets embarrassed. We are 40 years old for crying out loud. I am starting to find myself looking at other woman. I am not asking her for wild crazy things, just a little umph in the bedroom.

I Hate Being Stepmother

Being a stepmother is a straight nightmare. I never wanted children of my own but fell in love with a man who has his son 85 percent of the time and thought I could hack it. My stepson disrespects me even though I have bent over backwards for him. Visitation with his mother is very muchto her convenience. She drives a nice car and lives in a wealthy neighborhood yet she only pays $100 a month in child support! My husband refuses to remodify the payments because he doesn’t want to cause waves . I can kind of see his point of view however the situation leaves me financialy drained. It’s just not fair to me. And though I have been more of a mother figure than his mom I am not treated as an equal. I am becoming increasingly unhappy with the situation and have bailed before but I truly love my husband and have yreturned to try to make things work. However, as bad as this sounds I really feel nothing at all for my stepson. He is 8 years old and I am oanyawaynly going through the motions of being a stepparent. I am relieved when he is at his mother’s house and enjoy the time away from him. I dread when he comes back. I would never harm him in anyway but I wish so badly that he he would just go live with his mother. I can honestly say if I never saw him again I wouldn’t shed a tear or miss him one single bit! It would be AWSOME if he moved out of state and I could never see him again. I love the alone time my husband and the only reason I have lasted this long is because I love him so much. I know this may sound selfish but I miss my husbang

Lawful vs. Love

I’m 17 in two weeks. My older cousins best friend is 24. We’ve been friends for a long time now, and I’m completely in love with him. He feels similarly about me, and it kills him that he feels that way, but he does. We can’t be together, or act on this. It’s illegal for him to kiss me, and I can’t even hold his hand. We practically have to ignore our feelings, even though I’ll be 18 in a year. It breaks my heart.

Forgettable

Sometimes I think about killing myself. If I were to die, no one would really care. I am going to college to be a nurse, but now I don’t really see the point anymore. I could easily be replaced. There are so many other people out there can do what I do and do it better.I have realized that I am not that special. I am invisible and no one will remember me. If I commit suicide, a few people, like my parents, might be sad. But they will move on with their lives. They will eventually get over it and forget I have ever existed.