I let my mother die

My mother had a congenital heart condition that was supposed to take her by the time I was about five. She outlived her prognosis and while she had occasional problems, she lived a wonderful life with my dad and me until I was about 15. She went downhill mentally and physically, there was a huge deal where dad threw her out, they got a divorce, then she had post-trauma from her childhood, depression from the divorce, and worsening heart trouble. We fought for a whole year.

Toward the end, she started reaching out to me. I was 16, going into 11th grade. I was supposed to spend the week with her while dad was out of town. We had this amazing early part of the day and around noon went back to her apartment. She told me she didn’t have long left. She told me lots of things about how she didn’t want a viewing but wanted to be cremated to be rid of her body, and how she looked forward to eternity. But then our last conversation was a fight. She collapsed.

I watched her die. Only then did I call 911.

This was in 1988.

I alluded to this in a memoir I wrote and no one caught on or thought it was real.

Should I confess to the police?

I watched her die. My own mother. I loved her.

you dont remember me

but i remember you. it was 17 years ago up at MSU. you put a roofie in my drink, and then raped me. your friends taped it thankfully so i could take it to court. but even with the tape you were let go and not sentenced. now you come in my coffee shop everyday and you dont even notice me. but i notice you. and the girl who serves you everyday, thats your daughter. next time you come in im going to put a roofie in your drink and i hope you like your drive home you son of a bitch.

HPV

I have genital warts and they hurt. I dont tell anybody and no one would EVER geuss by looking at me. The other day this guy made a joke about giving me oral. oh the irony….

better off

they though my mother was unfit because she wasa alcholic. i was 6 when they took me away im now 16, its been ten years and ive been in over 7 foster homes. in all of them i have been abused mentally,phyiscally and sexually. the last one i went to, he raped me, when i went to tell my foster mother she wouldnt believe a word i said. next day my social worker came to take me back to the home for girls, they told her i misbehaved so they no longer wanted me. i would have been better off with my mother.

The man that molested me is getting out of prison….

When I was 12 I was molested by my adoptive father. He adopted me when I was 5 and had been a great dad up until that point. It was not just a one time thing it went on for months but I was too afraid to tell until I finally trusted someone enough to let it all out. He was a juvenile probation officer so it was a big deal, in the papers, news, etc. which you can imagine is hard for a kid. anyway he was sentenced to 10 years in prison and in july that 10 years will be up… and I really dont know how to feel. I have so many emotions I’m afraid for my safety, I’m upset because its rehashing a lot of old memories, and I’m a little happy because even though I shouldnt I still feel a little guilty like its my fault and I’m a little happy that he can live life again. WTF am I suppose to feel this way? And to top it off I really feel like I need some closure some admitence to what he did because still to this day some people in my family think I made the whole thing up and when the dna evidence is brought to their attention its, okay well if it did happen then you wanted it. WTF I was 11 & 12 years old what kind of 11 year old would want to have sex with their nearly 40 year old dad! But regardless of those idiots I still am at a loss of what to do. Do I hold this is forever never telling him what I need to say? Do I write him a letter and if I do am I ready to hear what he has to say? I just dont know =(

I’m Failing Every Course And I Don’t Know Why

I just sit and watch as each deadline rolls by. I just don’t care. And I can’t understand why. I’m scared but I can’t pull myself out of this. I want to sit at home, on this computer and spend my life here. I can’t believe this is me. I can’t believe it. It took less than two months to create this monster. Too much time on my hands. What am I going to do?

I’m so outta here

I want to scrap everything, move to the Caribbean Islands and start over. I’ll give my two week notice at work and then quietly walk away from it all without telling anyone. Friends will only find out where I’m at when I start posting FaceBook updates from a tranquil, serene coastline with pictures of the sun setting.

Somehow I just know a way to do it will present itself to me soon.

i need help….

i have been in a relationship for almost 11 years. in the begining he cheated and i had no idea. he cheated for probably close to 6 years. after that – he broke up with me and started sleeping with a new girl. who he ended up getting pregnant. we got back together when the baby was about 7 months old. and that was about 4 years ago. thing is i have always wanted him to marry me and have a baby with me. and since in the relationship with him – he has never “been ready” to get married. about 6 months ago, i told him i was miserable and didnt want to be with him anymore. he was devastated… he didnt see anything wrong in the relationship and yes – it was cause i met someone else. i had been friends with this other man for a few years and throughout that time we became close work friends. and that was it. but over time as my relationship started to get worse and worse i grew closer and closer to this other man. he does all of the little things that girls want. he gives me attention, love, affection and genuinely cares for me as a person. not that my boyfriend doesnt, but it is sparingly. the other day, my boyfriend proposed to me. i declined at the time and told him that there were things that needed work on our relationship. i just dont know what to do or who to choose. i feel like i love my boyfriend – i always will…11 years is a long time to be with someone and not love them. but with the other man, i know that i am falling in love with him. can you be in love with 2 people at once? how do you know who to choose or which path to take? i really dont care what the feedback from you all is – i just want some input!

Going Crazy

I love being a nurse, I love it and I don’t want to do anything else in life. At the same time, I feel like I need psychological help, and I want to get my life into order. Board of Nursing is not being helpful on whether or not that would put me in jeopardy of my license. I just want to get better, get everything squared away. I don’t want to be put on probation or constantly observed for something that has never put a patient at risk, I just want to get some peace of mind and help.

Who I am

I am a 19 year old girl. I am bisexual. I am Catholic. These things can’t live in harmony, no matter how desperately I want them too. So now I am stuck. Do I stay with the religion that I believe in but that doesn’t support me, or do I follow my heart and turn my back on God? There is no one I can talk to.
It would all be so much easier if I was normal. God already cursed me with depression. Why has he given me another cross?

Life is meaningless

I see no point to this life at all. Even if there is a spirit world after this one, then what is the point in that? Why does anything exist at all? It drives me crazy. I can’t accept that we just are but at the same time detest the idea of any type of plan.

I’m not unhappy. I have a good life. I have good people in my life. I really don’t want for much of anything. I have a good job where I help people. I get up to lots of things that make me happy. It’s all good but over and over again I question everything and the pointlessness makes me wish I didn’t exist.

Half the reason I don’t want kids is to minimise the amount of people who care for me in life. I’m fairly convinced that once my parents and sibling die or move away that I’ll end it all. Yes, I see value in family connections and I recognise the value people place upon life but I just don’t see the point in it.

I know the answer to this sort of thing is unavailable but without them I think I’ll continue to wonder and life will be shadowed with these thoughts. I wish I could stop existing entirely instead of waking up tomorrow.

The words i’ve never told you…

I don’t really know where to start… I could pour my whole heart out but what’s the point?

I guess i will start with… you made me realize a huge part of me, that i have never even thought about taking into consideration. I’m gay. Once i realized this, I began to express my admiration for you. After this, we started to talk more and more and my feelings for you began to grow. I have never felt this way about another person. To me, everything was perfect. But what i didn’t know was that you had me on your own string, and whether you chose to pull it or not what up to you…
We tried to make things work and failed miserably at least four times. But through all the hurtful words and unnecessary fights, i still had these uncontrollable feelings for you. Even though i stayed up crying MANY nights, i still pressed on, acting like nothing was wrong. You pushed me to my highest points, made me feel things i have never felt before. And here i am, still wanting more. You have said things to me that made me want NOTHING to do with you. Made my guard go up faster then it ever has, built my walls up higher and higher. But at the end of the day, i was always the one apologizing even though it wasn’t my mistake to begin with.
We talked for 8 months, and even though we went through many rough patches, i still decide to stay here. Waiting for you. Because there is something you don’t know… you are EVERYTHING to me. I would do anything for you. I can never get you out of my head. And i don’t act the way i do because i like you. I act the way i do because over these rough 8 months…i have fallen in love with you. I love you… i just wish you felt the same way…