My Mother

I’m 16. Female.

My mother had her first schizophrenic breakdown when I was 8. I’ve been in the custody of my father ever since. I used to see her frequently, but for the past two years as her mental health has declined and our time we spend together has become less and less.

I can honestly say I almost despise her. She doesn’t even feel like a mother anymore, nor a relative, just a big burden. She’s homeless now, by choice I might add (proudct of her paranoia), and as much compassion as I’ve tried to muster for her sake I just can’t bring myself to give a shit anymore. She’s ruined mine and my families lives past the point of repair.
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6 years together and she said not now?

We are 26 and 25. This year is our 6th year of dating. I knew she was the one long ago but she had always hinted at not being ready. This year however I proposed, expensive ring, a ring design that we have both agreed suited her months ago and the response was ‘Not Now’

We have discussed kids names, marriage and where we would have the wedding. We live together and i have just received a fantastic promotion at work. I am just so shocked at the response. She wouldn’t even let me show her the ring!

Asking her why, there was no reason given. I figured she must be scared but hours later she told me she will still want kids and to get married.

Where to from here?

Badly confused.

Father committed suicide six years ago, still a wreck

My father and I had a love-hate relationship. He hated himself and his family, but he supposedly loved us. I later came to understand that he had mental illness and a really difficult childhood. My mother and I have a difficult relationship, as well. I came to realize later that she was living a nightmare with a mentally ill husband and a family of three children that she didn’t really want.

Well, my father committed suicide six years ago, a few months after my daughter was born. He hung himself with a rope. On good days, it seemed me that he was saying, “My work here is done,” by killing himself. Every other day, it seems to me he was saying, “I hate myself and I hate all of you, too.”

Well, it’s been difficult dealing with his suicide. It affects me, my husband and my two kids. I can’t see how they can’t be as miserable as I am. I have a wonderful husband and great kids, but I can’t shake the feeling that I should be where my father is right now.

I am a stay-at-home/work-from-home mother. I work very hard at everything I do. I single-handedly organize the chess club for my daughter’s school. We meet two to three times a month. I raised $3,000 through a fund raiser for my daughter’s school. My kids are smart. They are well-behaved. I earn money from home while taking care of the kids. I do everything to the best of my ability and try to contribute to society. I am working hard to try to make my children’s lives better than mine.

And yet, I can’t shake the feeling that I suck at everything and I shouldn’t be walking on the face of this earth. It’s a lonely feeling… even though I know many people feel the same way. I’d like to move on, but living is hard.

I don’t tell everybody about my father, because it’s pretty heavy stuff and a lot of people don’t know what to say. Also, I sometimes get painful and strange responses from people when I tell them about my dad. That’s why this is a confession.

Tick tock

I’m terrified I’ve lost my looks, which used to be all and everything I had.

I’m scared I’ve killed my brain cells with years of alcohol indulgence.

I’ve just started to realise that I’m no spring chicken. I’m 29. So, I’ve just began to worry about whether I’ll ever have a family. And, about how I would be proposed to.

So confused and not sure what to do… Long post

I’m 23 years old, mother of 2 girls under 3 (not twins, born 15 months apart). My husband can be very nice, is very caring, takes good care of us, and is a wonderful father to our daughters. But he is also very demanding.

Right now we are taking a break from our regular life because I almost left him because (as he puts it) I had a nervous break down from the stress. My moods are going up and down, and I just don’t know what to do.
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I just want somebody to hold me

I feel so desperate and I don’t know why. I’ve always lived in the shadow of my autistic sibling and my parents both love him so much. I know that they love me too but they don’t show it enough, not enough for me to understand that anyway.
My friend is always moaning about her stupid problems and all I want to do is turn on her and say, “So you got dumped by a boy? I’ve been so ******* miserable for god knows how long and you never notice!”
Nobody notices because I wake up in the morning and stick this massive fake smile on my face. But now I’ve had enough. It’s getting to the point where I wish death upon everybody I love and I feel so.. so drained.
I make up this fantasy life in my head, where I’m pretty and I’m a single child with no diabled brother and I have people who are kind and hold me whenever I feel like I want to scream.
“Are you alright?” “Yes, Mum..” “Okay, whatever.” **** YOU **** YOU **** YOU, I’M ******* MISERABLE!!

I Want to Love Myself…..But I Just Don’t

I have ALWAYS had issues with self-esteem. I try so hard to act confident because then other people believe you and eventually you believe it too. But it never works for me. In high school pretty much nothing ever went my way. I tried out for volleyball, auditioned for every single play of my high school career and tried to sing in the choir. I was rejected from all of it with the exception of being in the very back of the chorus my senior year (but I was barely on stage). I was never once asked to a dance by a boy, didn’t have one date or a boyfriend. I was in the hospital for half of my senior year with a terrible stomach illness and missed my prom. I am in college now and have applied to several leadership and community service programs. I was rejected from all of them. I had two roommates move out on me and I’m half way across the country away from my home. I have been seeing a councilor for many years now to try and figure this out and I have tried SO MANY things to help myself and get out of this rut. I don’t blame the world for my misfortune and I know I am capable of making good things happen to me….they just don’t seem to happen.

I auditioned for a jazz choir at my school and I was literally the only person that didn’t get in. I love singing so much and even though I have been rejected before, it hurts just as much this time. I’m sitting in the living room, crying my eyes out and my mom is sitting right next to me, reading the paper. She didn’t even ask what was wrong; she’s probably thinking “oh, she got rejected again. What else is new. It’s not like I have to say anything to her, it happens all the time”. Thanks, Mom.

The case for us…

I’m afraid I’m pregnant and I am not ready to change our lives. We’re getting married soon and I just want to live through that first. I wish you would stop passive aggressively telling me we need to have one sooner. I’m barely into my twenties and I want to graduate and feel accomplished before I pop out a kid. I am afraid a baby will change who I am. I finally love me and I don’t want to lose that. Getting married is a big enough step for now.

Please, stop pressuring me. If I’m pregnant we’ll live with it, but you can’t carry me through this one. It’s not selfish to think about how a baby will affect my body and personality.

Beloved Daughter

I just wrote an email to your mother asking if she’d drop the Family Support payments if I signed away Parental Rights. I can’t afford the payments as it’s more than I get to spend per month than I can spend on my kids in three months.

My ex-wife has kept my daughter away from me for seven years.

I am the most evil man on this earth.

Hated homeschooling my girls

My husband insisted we homeschool our kids from the beginning for academic reasons, not religious (although we are Christian). I have an adult son with disabilities who goes somewhere during the day. Our other kids are an 11yo boy and twin girls age 9. The boy is continuing to be home schooled, but starting this fall we are sending the girls to a new charter school. I am excited that I will finally have some time for myself!
I have been depressed for the past ten years and on various anti-depressants. My boy is like me, needs alone time the majority of the day. I don’t disagree with the philosophy of homeschooling, just don’t think it is right for mothers who are creative and need time alone.
I am scared to death it won’t work out and they will end up at home again! My plan B is to enroll them in a virtual school, even though there are no free ones in our state.
I feel like crying almost every day just from the stress of being around them. Our son was diagnosed with Asperger’s last summer, and that includes a lot more to deal with. Should I feel guilty about wanting time alone?
The girls found a journal I wrote a few years ago about how much I hated them, so I am thankful to have this blog. Although I also have confessed to my priest; I am Eastern Orthodox Christian.

Something wrong with my mind

I constantly have feelings of hurting myself. Not wanting to kill myself, but wanting to cut myself or purge so many times I become dehydrated and sick. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, bulimia and borderline personality disorder.

I only have 9 credits left to get my bachelors degree. The problem is that I am medically suspended from the University until they determine I’m stable and able to complete my classes. I have NEVER been a danger to other people, just myself. I feel so much pressure to be OK, but it is just causing more stress.

I was just forced to change my doctor and therapist in the last month and feel like I have no where to turn. I want to be normal, but it feels like nothing will get better. People just think that bipolar people are crazy, but I’m an incredibility bright, creative and very logical person in the in between times when things are OK. I just want to be that normal person again.

Living in the Shadows

I’m not who everyone thinks I am. I have urges and desires they would never believe and should never know about. The problem is, somedays it’s all that I can do to fight these impulses, and life seems dull and pointless as long as I do.
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