This is what I will confess to you one day:

Tis better to have loved and lost…and have your heart removed and tossed…against a solid granite wall…than never to have loved at all.

I found that poem in an art supplies catalog of all things. At first it made me chuckle. Then it made me think of you because its so true.

When you told me that you were in a relationship with that girl, I remember the exact day, time, and exactly what I was doing. Jan 27, 2007. Approx. 6:45. I was getting ready to go to choir rehearsal. When I got there I couldn’t stop crying but I kept trying to sing. I must have looked absolutely ridiculous cuz I know I’m kinda ugly when I cry. The minister of music ended rehearsal early. Then I went to J’s apartment and literally WAILED like a banshee on her couch for a good 25 minutes. I didn’t find out until later that she was in the middle of getting laid when I came over. Now thats what I call a best friend. She’ll put a f**k on hold to try and console you. (So thats why the bedroom door was closed…Sorry Gerald)

I thought I wouldn’t be able to take the loss of you. I prayed to God every night to take it away. You were the only person in the world that I wished I had never met. Thinking back, I can’t believe how little control I had over my tears. I remember my boss trying to explain to me what type of excel spreadsheet he wanted me to create and I was weeping the whole time with my face strategically turned away from him. My mother caught my crying one time and started slapping me on my back really hard cuz she is so damn heavy-handed. “You gotta stop all this crying now baby…try not to think about it so much” Try not to think about it so much?? I had lost this precious diamond that I was never gonna get back.

We tried to talk a little bit as if things were normal. I told you that exes only stay friends in the movies. That sh#t didn’t happen in real life. I couldn’t take you choosing that damn girl. I didn’t even know her and I despised her…and I was ashamed cuz I’m not that kind of person. I became one of those crazy stalkery ex-girlfriends. I’d use any excuse to drive by your apartment and if I saw that unfamiliar car in the driveway…oh god the waterworks! I remembered your passwords…so I would check your email, 5, 6 times a day and I’d see those terrible love notes between the two of you. I still remember the worst one, you wrote something along the lines of “why do I miss you so?” That one cut me to the bone.

I used to think that people who stopped eating due to stress was bulls##t. Now I know better. A few days after we were quits I saw a piece of fried chicken (which I normally LOVE) and I felt my stomach turn a flip. Then I couldn’t EAT anything anymore. How the hell did you manage to do that to me? I knew I had to put something in my body so I ate a grapefruit cuz that seemed mild enough to my stomach. And thats what I ate for 3 f##king weeks. Three weeks of grapefruit!

The very last time we talked, I kept asking you why…why…why…what was so special about that f##king girl??? I kept asking why because I was fumbling towards the unthinkable. I was going to BEG you to return to me. I was gonna grovel and whimper and BEG you to choose me. I was gonna throw away all pride and self respect to fall down at your feet and plead for you to come back to me. I was gonna do it…but I didn’t. I don’t know what stopped me, but thank God it did. I would have been broken if I had and there would have been no going back. I think I know what Meatloaf was talking about in that “I would do anything for love…but I won’t do that” song. I used to think it was taking a fist up a$$ but I know better now. He wouldn’t beg that bitch to come back to him. But I digress.

So I didn’t beg you for anything. I told you that you chose a life that didn’t include me anymore. I would accept that, but a pleasant phone call ever now and again wasn’t doing sh#t for me. I told you that I wouldn’t ever call you again, and I asked you to do the same.

I think we had the love affair to end all love affairs. I thought I was gonna die from the loss of you. I didn’t. I still miss you. I still love you. And even though you broke my heart, I’m so happy that we were a pair. Even though I lost you, I’m so glad I got to love you. Somebody else will come along, and I’ll be capable of loving them well. But you were my very best thing.

To anybody with a broken heart- It WILL get better. It might not feel like it at all. But it will get better, and you’ll be all the stronger for it. YOu just have to ride that wave until it arrives at the shore. Your hurt is NOT gonna last forever.