Secret Confessions

Even though i know we can never be together, there is part of me that keeps hoping, and keeps wanting the impossible…

I wonder how long its going to take for that wanting to go away…i keep waiting, i keep expecting that one day im going to wake up and not have these feelings, or that each day a little bit of them dies until one day i realise that they are gone…

It seems to be the opposite though, the wild infatuation has gone yes, but it seems to have been replaced by a genuine love and respect. One that doesnt fade, doesnt envelop me but haunts each moment. My waking thought, my sleeping dream.

I think i have accepted that he is with her, i have accepted that they are together. I have no choice but to either accept it or tear myself apart with it, i try not to think about it all the same..i dont want to face it, but i know he must kiss her goodbye, and tell her he loves her….

But every day that love i have for him seems to grow a little more. When all i want it to do is fade, to release me. Release me from the torment i put myself in..all of my own doing. I want to be able to think of him being with her and being happy for him, not for it to feel like its ripping me apart and wanting so badly for it to be me.

I’m not sure if I really love you, sometimes I feel that I should tell you “I love you” but then I can’t remember how to speak, sometimes you say thinks that makes think: “I hate you” but then I look into your eyes and I just can’t think in anything else… I wish I could continue my life like it was before I met you, I wish I could understand what I’m feeling, this is the first time I feel this way, and I don’t like it ’cause I know you will never love me back, you look at me, and tell me that I’m one of your best friends, but I want more, I want to kiss you… hug you… sometimes even hit you… once you told me that you though one of my friends was inlove with you, and I acted really happy, but I wasn’t, what does she have that I don’t?… well, I’ll just continue this way, loving you and hating you at the same time, and hopping that you find the perfect girl for you, please be happy.

I guess it’s too late to say it, you’re engaged to the woman of your dreams and I am still in high school, dreaming of my soulmate who is getting married to the woman of his dreams. No matter how many I love yous we’ve said to each other; you mean it like a father to his daughter and I mean it like a wife to her husband. All I wanna say to you now is I will always love you no matter what.