I love a woman who’s completely out of reach
Posted by Eddie in Love on Jan 22nd, 2010 | 5 commentsThere’s a girl (now a woman) that I’ve been attracted to since high school. I spent three years waiving and saying hi to her, but never had the courage to have a conversation or try to become her friend. I’m almost 23, and have never been on a date, kissed, or had any other romantic contact. I can’t see any reason why a woman would want to be with me.
It’s been five years since I graduated high school, and six years since she has. She’s dated a professional footballer, graduated from an expensive, high-quality Jesuit school, speaks two or three languages, is a second degree black belt in Kyuki-Do, has lived an entire year in Germany, and placed pretty well in the Kommerzbank’s 26-mile Frankfurt marathon.
I know all that through my obsession with and research about her, although I’ve never directly bothered or stalked her. She probably doesn’t know anything about what I do, unless she can tell that I visit her profile on Facebook to see a picture of her; just to get a glimpse of my ideal woman. Ultimately, I’ve stayed well away and let her live her life. I’d like to think that I truly care about her more than I do myself.
Despite that respect, I can never stop thinking about her, which makes me feel hopeless and suicidal. I literally get a feeling between elation and a stroke at the thought of her. She is so far above me that I can’t even see her.
It’s ruining my life. I don’t see any other woman as even being in the same league as her, although I am starting to understand more and more that she’s just another selfish yuppie Caucasian female. That doesn’t stop me from idolizing her, though. I base my life goals around trying to prove to myself that I’m good enough for her. I’ve improved my own life a lot just trying to reach that standard: exercising, eating right, losing weight, language learning, going to a university, entering study abroad programs. I’m even ready to sell out and become a yuppie, if it will bring me closer to her. I’d abandon my interest and selfishly focus on going to Europe for her. I’d adore Starbucks and where North Face and Columbia Sportswear for her. I’d believe in a religion for her. I’d adopt certain values for her. I’d move where she wants me to move. I’d have her ideal size of family. I’d change my major. I’d do almost anything for her, except kill.
I’ve already wasted most of my youth. I’m thinking about committing suicide, because I don’t think I have what it takes to find any happiness in life. Even if I did somehow meet her again, I’m sure there would be the same lack of courage that has always kept her at a great distance from me. If you got this far, thank you for reading my disheveled opus of my own mediocrity.
5 Responses to “ “I love a woman who’s completely out of reach”
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Hey I’ve felt to same way about a boy, it kind of made me feel hopeless. But then I started to improve my own life, just like you. I started to work out, to be a nice girl, to start losing weight etc.. and while being so busy working on myself, I forgot about him. And later on I even met another boy at the gym.. What I’m trying to say is: start living you own life, don’t waste it for that girl, she’s probably not even worth it. Keep improving your own life, enjoy it, and at some point you’ll even appreciate yourself more and that attracts other people. I’m sure other good things will cross your path, if you’re ready for them to do so.
hey dude. get real. most people like that when u get close to them…within a few months u would be going…naw this is not what i want. she is not what i built her up to be. move on…keep improving yourself…but you are kidding yourself and wasting ur time.
Dude you are in desperate need of a BJ. And some serious psychiatric help.
Suicide is never the answer.. you are now getting a degree, learning a language, and losing weight. you obviously have extraordinary willpower. Embrace your life and get help if you need it.
Some of these comments are useless – I don’t get why people leave such worthless comments. I see this is in January and it’s been a while now so I hope you are ok.
I found it really strange reading your story as I have been in a similar situation. Just seeing her face on Facebook gives me a feeling like nothing else and she has no idea. I too have done really well for myself and tried to better my life in the hope that it might impress her but it never seems to…no one else compares to her. I’m 22 and it’s been years since I saw her but I’m not interested in anyone else. If any guys try and ask me out it really winds me up because I’m in the closet and their constant pushing for dates only makes me fear that me being gay may become more obvious when I reject them. I haven’t been romantically involved with anyone since I met her. It’s like i’m waiting in hope but I am starting to realise that this waiting is hopeless. I even wrote to her online recently and she did reply but it was clear she had no interest in me.
You can’t change who you love and it’s horrible that love can destroy your life. I read a quote the other day that said “love is experienced by the many and enjoyed by the few” – I think this is very true. You have to find a way to move on like I am. Try and focus on the things in your life that make you feel happy – maybe you have a hobby or something? Just try and do things for YOURSELF from now own – not for her. I really hope you’re ok and haven’t acted on these suicidal feelings. You will pull through – everything happens for a reason and maybe you will see that reason soon. Good luck x