I FELL IN LOVE WITH A GIRL

I am a girl who is very confused all the time about how I feel. I have always felt different then everyone. I was a tomboy growing up, It was difficult for me to admit things that were associated with being a girl. I had to write my mom a letter to tell her I had started to ride the crimson wave the summer after 5th grade. When I reached 17 years old I started to grow out of my awkwardness and started getting attention for my looks. People who hadnt seen me would say “WOW when did you get hott?” butI was never comfortable making out with guys. It wasnt a comfortable thing for me at all. the whole time I would try to just be in the moment but I couldnt do it. Then I met this really awesome beautiful popular good goodie girl and fell so deep in love. We were bestfriends for 2 years until finally I couldnt take it anymore and I told her how I felt. We didnt talk for a couple days then she showed up at my apartment and we talked she admited that she had been having intense dreams about kissing me and being with me, I felt so happy and sick to my stomach at the same time. I just couldndt even believe that she felt that way, it was a miracle. That night I had the best kiss of my life it lasted like 3 hours. It was 3 hours of the realisation that I had possibly destroyed the best friendship id ever had, and 3 hours of realizing what it ment to be in love. However, both of us came from very religious backgrounds, and familys. We couldnt stop being together and we couldnt tell anyone either. For 5 years we were a secret, no one knew or even suspected. We even had “dates” with guys to keep the cover secure. We broke eachothers hearts a thousand times by seeing other people. We killed eachother inside but we were so addicted to eachother that there was no way to continue normal and no way to end it either. She moved away one day out of the blue to figure stuff out and we were never together again. She’s married now and has a little boy. I have never gotten over her, and I dont know if I ever will. I wish I knew if she ever thinks of me. I dont want to be in her life, she has a great life and I am glad but I just wish I knew that one thing so I dont have to think that 7 years of my life, that were a secret, were for nothing, that what we felt was real. I cant move forward, but I dont want to keep looking back. No one knows to this day about me and her, so no one can understand why I dont date. She was the only person I was ever complete with. We were intence and passionate and free and alive and now I just feel dead and numb inside. At his point if I admit that I am gay thats ok with me. I am comfortable enough with the truth but to protect her I can never tell about that. I still dont feel comfortable with anyone quite like I was with her and I dont know what to do. I want to have a family someday soon and I cant get close to anyone I dont know what to do now. Just die alone and sad? I dont want that. I dont want to settle and be unhappy either. I dont know what I need but It feels good to have talked about it anyway.