I don’t know what to do.
Posted by Anon in Love on Jan 18th, 2011 | 11 commentsI have been with my husband since i was 16 years old, we got married when i was 19 and my husband is 7 years older than me. I’m now 24 and have spent the last few years trying my very best to make this marriage work but i can see it falling apart fast, it’s not my husband either it’s me. I don’t think i love him like a wife should love her husband anymore and it breaks my heart to feel this way. 3 years ago we went through some major issues and i ended up leaving, we were separated for 4 months and when he told me he was going to get counseling and was willing to do whatever it took to make this relationship work i moved back in, we saw a counselor together and for a little while everything was going smoothly, now it’s all going south again and i don’t know what to do. I’ve talked to him about this and my feeling depressed and unhappy, he just says it’s the stress of our living situation but i know i can’t keep going like this. I remember when i told my husband i wanted to break things off and separate the look on his face destroyed me, i can’t stand hurting him like that and it’s the main reason why i’m still with him. My husband is a good man but i just don’t love him like that anymore. I have no idea how to break it off, i can’t do this to him again a second time i just can’t. How do i do this? i am totally lost.
For those of you who would make assumptions let me clear it up now, there is not other man in the picture nor have i been looking for one. I take my vows seriously and am a devoted woman. I’m not looking to rush out and find new love or lays, as a matter of fact i’m quite sure i won’t be getting into any kind of relationship other than platonic for a very long time.
11 Responses to “ “I don’t know what to do.”
Leave a Reply
Subscribe
You got together with your husband when you were very young. It is normal to grow and evolve. You are not going to be the same person you are now when you’re 30 or 40. If you are religious, consider going to a support group through your church for people who are going through a separation or divorce. It is also helpful for those who are contemplating leaving their marriage. Through a support group, you will have a chance to talk with very compassionate people who will help you. Just remember to be true to yourself. Never sacrifice your happiness because you don’t want to hurt someone. It’s not fair to you or to him. Lastly, just because two people are great does not mean they are great together.
In all fairness, you don’t take your vows seriously…did you forget “til death do us part?” There is a lot you are not telling us, what led up to you separating before? Do you have kids? I mean, lots of people get married for the wrong reasons. It’s sad you will just be another statistic. The grass is not always greener on the other side. You have a good man think about it, you probably will only get worse men if you are thinking about dating in the future…there are too many bad ones.
soooo I’m a little curious here, are you REALLY suggesting that this seemingly good, and emotionally honest individual stay in a relationship she is not happy with?!?!?! Are you sentencing her to a life of emotional emptyness and an unfulfilled heart??? Considering the age here, there is PLENTY of opportunity for both parties involved to move on and lead happy, fulfilling marriages in the future with DIFFERENT PEOPLE. And as far as the husband is concerned…is it really fair to him to be involved with an individual the feels forced to meerly PRETEND that she has romantic feelings for him? Regardless of how amazing of a person this husband is…he is obviously not fullfilling SOMETHING that is required to keep her inlove. Unfotunately people DO fall out of love and not everyone is blessed with a fairy tail ending…both of these people are young enough to have the opportunity to live the lives they can truly be happy with instead of setteling for a person they are GUARANTEED to grow to resent in the future…
You have a good attitude, I like how you concluded your posting. It sounds like there’s not much hope. Divorce is so common, IMO it’s an archaic idea. People are evolving and growing and there’s a reason why half of all marriages are ending.
If I were you, I would begin the break-up the same way that you began the reconciliation, start with therapy. Explain to the therapist that you’ve made the decision to leave and would like to do it amicably. Make sure that your (ex) husband is ready for this and nothing takes him by surprise and mke arrangements for kids, if you have them.
Let husband see that this could be the beginning of positive changes for him too and it gives him the opportunity to grow as a person too.
People aren’t evolving and growing, they are turning into untrustworthy pieces of crap that can’t even stay faithful anymore. If you call divorce evolving and growing you are crazy. To evolve we would be progressing not regressing to bad behavior.
If you don’t like marriage, then don’t do it. Once you do it, then be prepared to face the consequences and pay alimony/childsupport if you are doing something wrong.
Okay i’m going to address you here in response to both the advice you left me and what you said on this persons advice.
First off, no i do not have children and secondly the reason we separated to begin with was because he was constantly lying to me and hiding things, he refused to talk to me about his issues or angers and that would always lead to and explosive fight in which he would terrify me with the anger i saw come from him. I would also like to say in response to ’till death do you part’ we were not married by a priest and nothing in our vows was like that, it was a non religious wedding.
I’m not looking for ‘greener grass’ or (as i stated quite clearly at the bottom of my confession) another relationship, i am simply looking to be happy and enjoy this short life i have. ‘If you don’t like marriage, then don’t do it’ Well how would someone know if they liked it or not without first experiencing it. I didn’t give up on my relationship with my husband when it was in that very hard and very dark place, i stuck through and agreed to stay together and seek real help which for the most part has not stuck. It honestly sounds like you are very bitter because of something that may have happened to you in the past regarding marriage or a committed relationship if that is the case i hope your pain heals.
You have legitimate reasons for divorcing him. In the case of abuse, adultery and addiction, you don’t have much choice but to leave. Good luck to you
I see exactly where you’re coming from. You were young when you met him and to you, it wasn’t puppy love- it was true love. Heck, he was probably your “first” in a lot of things.
But then the years fly by and you realize that you aren’t a child anymore and you’ve been on the sidelines waiting for him to come around ‘cos it seems as though he hasn’t changed his bad ways. You hate that you can’t really discuss anything ‘cos he explodes at just the very tip of the argument. Thus, arguments are always on hold rather than resolved.
It’s hard to leave. You may try, then feel guilty and try to work it out. Then- you realize that feeling in the pit of your stomach is telling you that you made the wrong choice….then you leave. He will make you feel guilty, or maybe it is in your nature to always think about not hurting those around you (and so in turn, you hurt yourself).
It hurts but you got to do it. Don’t listen to the other negative posts. I’ve been in your shoes. Things will be okay. It’ll be hard at first, but you’ll be fine. :)
People haven’t changed, society has and women have rights now. Look at the history of marriage, it HAS changed. Marriage was originally used as a means to give paternity to children (also not fool-proof) Have you heard of the Scarlet Letter, Bradoff Pitler?? How about stoning for adulters? Is that more your style?
Im in the same boat as you orginal poster.
the difference is, I married a man I know had anxiety issues. and over our 11 year relationship things have just gotten worse instead of better. He now suffers from depression.
I love him, but Im not happy. Im not lookign for another man either. but dont know how much longer I can stay like this.
let us knwo how it goes if you can