I can’t say this to you yet, but I can’t stand to look at you or myself right now

While you were away I looked on your laptop for your online chat logs, I wanted to know what you were saying to one of your female friends, who I know you have a thing for. Ever since I found that online chat conversation I’ve felt sick and haven’t been able to sleep or concentrate. I know the sick things you said to her, how talking to her turns you on, and shamelessly discussing sexual fantasies, about how you wore my underwear while I was out and would never tell me, you lightheartedly mention to her that you’re sex starved since i’ve been away (I’ve been away for only a couple of days, every time I leave you go back to this, and not just with her!) you talk to her about the sex we have, you tell her that a man you ‘used to talk to’ has just started talking to you again and the picture you used as your ‘display picture’ when talking to him was one of your ass. Then you send her that picture. I can’t forget the conversation. I can’t forget the way you talk to her so naturally, as if it’s perfectly normal, and insert smiley faces in the text as if you’re just chatting to an old friend instead of having cyber sex.
You were in the library that evening, ‘doing work’. Does that always involve this kind of shit? We’re engaged, and I can’t look at your face anymore. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to talk about this, i’m not sure I want to. I feel so embarrassed and confused. I know that everytime I go away for a few days you do this. You have no morals at all it seems, every woman you talk to you look at her afterwards as if you want to **** her. The internet is your pal in this; you use ‘social networking sites’ to flirt, and tell women they look sexy, and you think I don’t know any of this, when we’re together it’s so nice, we’re so close and I consider you my best friend, we’re so alike and yet the difference is, I don’t spend all my time away from you lusting after others. I can’t trust you anymore, and you can’t trust me now can you because I snooped about on your computer, I knew you were saying things to her and I wanted to know what.
The worst part is I feel so alone. I have one other person who I can call a friend, you have many who you can turn to. My family is already broken, and getting together with you for a second time split it even more, that wasn’t your fault, but you know how ******* alone I am. You must think that i’ll always be here, no matter how you ******* treat me. You said when we got engaged that you wouldn’t do stuff like this anymore, that in your previous relationships (including one with me) you would hook up the webcam and masturbate to an audience of men and women, it turned you on. You told me you were bisexual and how it made you feel and I promised you i’d never leave you for it, that it didn’t matter. you took that and you abused it. You promised me you were done with internet exhibitionism, and you can act to me like you are, but you’re not, I know you’re not, i’ve seen it. How could you lie?? And you can laugh and talk to this woman about how I wouldn’t like you meeting up with her, and you’re so eager to please other women, you make no ******* effort for me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know what to say anymore, I just know that I can’t stand to look at you or be in the same bed. I feel sick. There’s no trust in this anymore, for either of us. I just want to go back and never meet you, so much of my life has been about you, and I want it back. I want to be alone now.