I can’t get over him

Bare with me this a long one. I met this man (DB) when I was 15, I am now 29. He was my teacher my sophomore year in high school. There was a ton of chemistry between us but we never acted on it besides lots of flirting, occasional hugs, and “accidently” brushing up against each other while passing in the hall. I knew then that I loved him and that someday we would be together.

After that year he left the school I was at and we remained in touch through phone calls and occasionally meeting for lunch or dinner. I could tell then that he wanted me as much as I wanted him but we would not cross that line until I was at the age of consent.

When I graduated from high school I decided to stay at home and attend a local college to save money. By now I was 18 and legal, needless to say DB and I began sleeping together on a regular basis. I was 18 and he was 33 at the time. He had a girlfriend that I knew about, but he swore up and down he didn’t love her like he loved me and we just needed to wait until I was out of college to be together. (I know, I know it’s a line of crap, but I was young and naive).

My parents never knew and would not have approved because of the age difference and because when he was my teacher rumors surfaced that we were sleeping together although it was untrue at the time. They hated him none the less, and all our communication and seeing each other was done in secret. Although I was 18 I was dependent on my parents because they helped me out with school tutition. So keeping our relationship secret was vital. So he kept his girlfriend and I saw him and slept with him in secret 3 times a week for about 9 months. I lost my virginity to him and was happy to do so. I loved him more than anything in the world and I thought he hung the moon. He was so kind, smart, and made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. We had a connection like nothing I had or have experienced before.

Our relationship ended because as it turns out he was engaged. The woman was his fiancée not just his girlfriend. He let me know this by not returning my calls for a couple of weeks and sending me a wedding invitation. When I received the invite I tried calling him to confront him, but the coward would not ever call me back. I should have gone to his home and confronted him but I was young and stupid.

My heart was broken and I couldn’t tell anyone about it. I was afraid of his fiancée finding out because although we live in a fairly big town we traveled in small circles. And she has a history of violence. I was afraid that she would hurt me if she ever found out. So I just dealt with my pain and tried to move on with my life. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.

A few years into his marriage I got a phone call from him. I could tell he was trying to reconnect in hopes of starting an affair. I was still angry and hurt and was in the beginnings of a relationship myself with a guy I’ll call NR. Not to mention, he was married and I was not about to go there. I tried to tell him how much he hurt me and how angry I was, but he cut me off and said he was in a bad place to talk about this and that he would call me back and give me all the answers to my question. He did call back, but left a message and when I returned his call, he never called me back. Throughout the years we have come into contact a few more times via email. He did sincerely apologize for hurting me but never told me why he ended things the way he did. I could tell that the emails from him were hopeful of rekindling our relationship but I just could never bring myself to give him the ok. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t do that to his wife.

I continued my relationship with NR. Although I loved this man I never ever stopped thinking about DB. I know he is a cheater, a coward, and a jerk, but I loved him since I was 15. No man has ever made me feel the way he did. I would think about him all the time.

I ended up marrying the man NR and we have been married for 2 years. I love him, but it is nothing at all like the love I felt for DB. My husband is a good man, he is moral, a hard worker and makes me laugh. But emotionally he is cold and has trouble expressing himself. I know he loves me but he has a hard time telling me or showing me. Our sex life used to be great but after we got married it has dwindled down to almost nothing. He has also become very selfish in bed, which DB never was. I know it is not fair to compare the two but I think these differences make what DB and I had even more intoxicating.

I still think about DB all the time. Somedays I miss him so much it literally hurts me. I feel like I can’t breathe. I will lay in bed next to my husband and be thinking about DB. I love it when I dream of him because it is the only way I get to see him. I refuse to make contact with him because of my marriage and his. I have googled him and facebooked stalked him on occassion hoping that in the 10 years that it has been since I have seen him he would have aged horribly. He is a lot bigger now, but my stomach still flipped when I looked at his pictures. I wish for the day when I run into him, although I don’t know that I would have the strength to walk away. As horrbile as it is, I catch myself fantasizing about it though and sometimes it is what gets me through.

I know I am a horrible person. I am in counseling for this and try to make myself not think of him but he always creeps back into my mind. I feel like I lost the one true love I will ever know. I know that deep down I hope that someday we will find our way back to each other. I feel like he was my soulmate and that a part of me is missing.