Empty

21 years old, I was tricked by a guy who spent months getting my attention, my friendship, and care to have sex with me. As soon as he got what he wanted he talked badly about me and my body. He went as far as flat out dumping me and telling me how he would get better “more appealing” girls in the army. He was the only man I have ever had sex with and I allowed myself to believe all the lovely lies he told me.

I am now 22 and I am dating a new guy….I have a hard time wanting to trust him at the same level I let the other guy get to me. He is not aware of that bit yet since we are in a long distance relationship. We video chat everyday and have been together for almost a year. I will see him in November this year since he will be here to visit.
Knowing he is coming makes me happy but riddled with anxiety and stress.

I have only told a few close friends about what happened to me with my last boyfriend because I am embarrassed. I hate myself. I do not want disappoint my family with the truth. I even told my now boyfriend but from my past experience, I have reason to doubt that he truly understands the depth of my misery about what happened to me.

I could go on but really I just found this website to vent because it is not like this is something I can really talk about with my family, I have talked to friends to help ease the pain but this feeling still remains……self hating emptiness.

5 thoughts on “Empty

  1. There was a time that I’ve also trusted no one after a break up. But I distracted myself with good company and hobbies, which I hope is what you’re doing. Whether you want to believe it or not, I would say, “good riddance” to the man that has treated you that way. I’m happy that you didn’t waste so much of your time with him. Having kids, property, etc. Girl, I would say you have dodged the bullet. We all have our regrets. This is just a learning experience and you need to decide whether this makes or breaks you. Regarding your family, you can show them how you’ve overcome this bump in the road by showing that yes, you’re human, which means you can make mistakes but show them how well you’re handling it. You’re still young in their eyes. And I know that what you’ve been through will take time to get over, but yes, it WILL be over and it’ll be a thing of the past to talk about with what happened to you in your early twenties. If you have a problem telling your current SO (significant other) about your problem, then that’s fine. You’ll eventually find the time to tell your SO about your past. But please address it at some point if it really bothers you because COMMUNICATION is always key in a relationship. Good luck.

  2. I just want to say like the others you have done nothing wrong. It’s all on him and he is not desireable not in my words. you are a lot better off with out him. If i was you father I would still be proud of you no matter what you have done.

  3. Hi, Please do not hate yourself. You did absolutely nothing wrong. That guy did. What he did to you was awful. I hate to say this, but some men out there enjoy victimizing women and using us for sex. They are predators who will strike again and again. They are very hard to spot sometimes. You are so young and do not have any experience in dating men. He knew this and took advantage of you. I’m very sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you need time to heal from this. As I mentioned before, you did NOTHING wrong. Please do not hate yourself. He was the one at fault here.

  4. Sorry to hear that you’re having such a hard time. What you went through was awful – what a terrible violation of your trust and love. Why not take some time off dating and get into therapy so that you can allow yourself to process your feelings and heal? Take care and hope that all works out well for you.

  5. Here’s my unsolicited observations.

    Seems like you are struggling with two different issues; you feel guilty for being used and you are reluctant to trust.

    On the first count, you did nothing wrong. This boy lied to you, used you, and left. It’s all on him. He is the dirty one. You are just as pure now as you were before you had sex. I don’t know if your family would be disappointed or not, but I do know they should love you no matter what. You are not at fault. You are not spoiled, and he did not use you up.

    On the second count, it makes sense that your new boyfriend does not understand. It’s a traumatic experience, so it’s hard to communicate. He is also not in a position to relate to it. That’s okay. You can try to talk to him about it if you want, but you don’t have to. I would recommend talking with a therapist about it, but you don’t have to do that, either.
    If you are nervous about getting as intimate with your new boyfriend, and are still shy because of your trauma, it’s okay to say “no.” It’s okay to ask him to wait. Love is patient. Love does not demand. If he is impatient, and if he demands, that means he doesn’t love you. Maybe he likes you, and is attracted to you, and wants you, but that attraction and desire is bigger than his love, which makes him not worth it. That’s how you will know; when a man is willing to wait for you to be ready.

    I hope you get it sorted out and find peace in this.

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