Confusing situation
Posted by AnonFem in Love on Jul 8th, 2010 | 9 commentsI just want to get this off my chest, i have no one else to talk to so i came here. I have been married quite awhile, our relationship is good we respect one another and don’t fight often. A few years ago we separated and after talking it over decided on trying it again with the help of counseling. It’s been quite a while since the split up and for awhile things were going much better but eventually it kind of fizzled out. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this and i just don’t think i love him the way a wife should love her husband, it feels now more like a deep friendship type of love not something romantic ( i would like to make it clear that i am not romantically interested in anyone else) I got married at a very young age to a slightly older man and lately it just seems like we live together but don’t ‘live together’ if that makes sense, yes i have spoken to him about it but he says he doesn’t see a problem with us. I really don’t know what to do, a part of me wants to stay and work through this and the other want’s to see what my life would be like on my own. When we separated the first time i will never forget the look on his face, being heartbroken and angry with me. If i decided to leave i just don’t know if i could..
I would never intentionally hurt him and i’m terrified of doing so if i leave.
I don’t know what i’m looking for here, maybe some advice or someone in a similar situation?
9 Responses to “ “Confusing situation”
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Judging from what you’ve said here I’d say that you seem to have a very healthy marriage that’s just gone through a perfectly natural cycle of ups and downs. That’s just how married life really is. Nevertheless, before you make any decisions that you might regret later, I do suggest that you reread your marriage vows. If those vows still have any meaning to you than you should live up to the commitment that you made to this guy. If not, than just divorce the guy and, in the future, don’t even think about suckering some other unsuspecting chump into marrying you. In other words, if this marriage isn’t good enough for you than you’re better off just staying single.
Really, ‘suckering’ someone else in? Why in the world would you say something like that? I respect my husband and appreciate him but i can’t really help if my feelings toward him have changed now can i? We have both been trying for almost 3 years to work on our issues as a married couple and it seems like we aren’t getting anywhere. I think if perhaps you weren’t so rude towards me or my situation i would take what you have said as ‘words of wisdom’ but instead you seem to insinuate that my intentions in life are to just run through one ‘unsuspecting chump’ to the next. It’s obviously not fair to him if i stay in a relationship i am not 100% sure i should be in, he knows how i feel and i have talked to him about it more than once but as far as he seems to show he is not interested in trying to work through it.
I’m sorry if I offended you, but I was assuming that you were looking for an honest evaluation of your situation. So I gave you my brutally honest opinion based on the information that you provided. BTW, I never sugarcoat the truth when I know I’m right.
You said, “We have both been trying for almost 3 years to work on our issues as a married couple and it seems like we aren’t getting anywhere.”
I don’t recall you mentioning what these “issues” actually are so I can’t go there. Nevertheless, what is the guy supposed to do if he knows you have doubts about your marriage and that you are curious to find out what your life would be like without him?
My wife died of cancer recently and I’m heartbroken right now. I was married for 29 years and, although we never even considered separation, our marriage followed the same course that your marriage seems to be following. It’s perfectly natural for a long term marriage to evolve from romance and passion into a deep friendship. It seems to me that your husband is a pretty special guy but for some reason you seem to have unrealistic expectations. That’s why I suggested rereading your marriage vows. If you can’t live up to those vows than you shouldn’t be married, because nowhere is it promised that marriage would be a lifetime of unending romantic bliss. In fact, if all you’re looking for is passion than you’d be better off just jumping from one affair to another with no strings attached.
From where I sit you do seem to have a perfectly healthy marriage,although I can’t be completely sure of anything because I don’t know you or your husband personally. However, if this isn’t what you want out of life than I’d suggest that marriage might not be the right thing for you.
I get the impression that you want out of this marriage for some reason. If so, than nothings stopping you.
After reading so many stories similar to this one, coming from so many confused women, I doubt that I’ll ever want to get married again. This is really depressing…..
hi there ! i can totally relate to what you are saying because I am exactly going through a very very similar situation. My husband is a nice man, nothing I can really complain about…but for few people like us, we need more than just mere friendship to keep up the marriage! “Till death us apart” is fine….but after 2 years of trying to change myself and after 1 year of mulling over separation, I have finally decided that I am making both of us in the marriage more miserable by not giving my 100% to it! And so now I have finally told him that we need to separate!
Our other friend here mentioned that we should not then “sucker” anyone in the future then ! I agree to that …because knowing me, i know i can never be in a relationship and see it take its course of deadness eventually ! I dont think i will marry again…but thats because of my skeptic thoughts of life !
You dont have to listen to anybody, but to your heart! and trust me…people will tell you lots of things to do and not to ! but d whatever makes you feel happy !! life is not worth living it miserably and wasting it for others’ happiness !
I wish you all the best in whatever you decide !
I feel the same way about my husband at times (well most of the time). I am not sure if its because we had a baby, who was in the NICU for four months and we extremely stressed out. Or if I just don’t love him romantically anymore.
I am terrified to leave as well. I don’t want to be a single mother, and yet I know that is no reason to stay either.
I wish I had some advice, I could use it too.
if you’re the one thats not happy with things, leave, but don’t take everthing you and him have worked for all these years. everthing doesn’t belong to you, he may be hurt over it, but both of you will find somebody else, you quicker than him. but don’t be supprised if that falls through shortly after you start thinking you’ve found the man of your dreams.
I never once said i wanted to leave him so i can seek out other relationships,if i were to go through with this i most certainly would not be interested in perusing any kind of relationship outside the realm of purely platonic. If we were to separate and he did find a women that made him happy like he deserves i would be incredibly happy for him. I’m not sure where you get the idea that i think everything belongs to me because i am very aware that it does not.
if you really feel that you only got deep friendship feelings for you hubby then you have to explain it to him the way you explain it here.. if you don’t want to hurt him then you should talk about it well and make him understand every detail that you want him to hear. there will never a way that you can not hurt him doin this but why delay the pain if you’ll goin to give him that sooner? its just a matter of how you will talk and explain things to him, obviously your hubby loves you so much for giving effort on your relationship for the 2nd time.. why not ask your husband to make things more interesting for both of you? you can go back to courting and hitting on each other like those old times if you really dont want to leave him alone, there is nothing wrong in trying.. maybe you need to have some more spice in your relationship, friendship feelings is a good sign for it.
You will not ever stay “in love” when you are married. If it turns into what you have now you have a great marriage. THis is why ppl get divorced…nobody these days knows what being married is suppose to be like. Marriage is work!!! You only should leave if one of you is cheating or its an abusive relationship. You may regret leaving and if you do he prob wont take you back.