Cheating or not cheating?
Posted by If she only knew in Love on Apr 1st, 2011 | 23 commentsI am in love with another woman. I am still in love with my wife. I’ve not had sex with the other woman but we’ve been very, very close. I don’t want to destroy my family but my need for the other woman is so intense I feel like I will burn up. I want to have them both and I know that is impossible.
23 Responses to “ “Cheating or not cheating?”
Leave a Reply
Subscribe
Kind of sounds like emotional cheating. Whether or not you have a physical relationship with this woman, your feelings for her are interfering with the life you’ve built for your family, which is not good.
So you need to decide what’s more important: the potential happiness you will get from this new relationship, or the stability and loving environment you’ve built for your children (and you and your wife). I am not trying to push you to a particular decision, but for the sake of everyone else, you need to make up your mind.
you are deffinatly cheating whether you had sex or not, stay away from the other woman….it’s called lust and it is a deadly sin.
The three things my father taught me (indirectly):
1. don’t smoke weed.
2. don’t pursue money over happiness.
3. the most important thing in the world are your wife and children.
Your relationship with your wife is time-tested and sealed by progeny. Your relationship with this other woman, even if you’ve been close to her, is fueled by mystery and a desire for what you can’t have. Find some other way to occupy your spare time and satisfy yourself in the short-term: take flying lessons, start beekeeping or brewing beer, take a trip to the local sex-toy shop with the wife. You will probably be happier in the long term building on what you already have.
The grass is not always greener, trust me been there and done that. I regret my decisons in the same situation. Turn to your wife and love her and hold her and make your needs known.
Hey there. I soooo understand what you are going through. I am not married but have been in a long term relationship. And when you said you felt like you were going to burn up i was like wow. Cuz thats so how i feel. I want them both and dont want to ever choose. What it comes down to is doing what you want to or what you have to. Im sure there is happiines with your wife so you should probably suck it up and just stay with her. Cause loosing her would be bad. But i know you think like dang you can never really have the desire and fire and passion that you feel with the other one. Pros and cons my friend
Go with your heart, not your penis!
I have no advice, and no judgement. I’m in the same situation. It’s weird to think you can love two people at the same time, but it happens, probably more than people are willing to admit. Good luck, whatever you chose to do.
I am in the like situation.However, the other(a person whom I’ve struggled to forget)asked if she may have one night with me.No strings attached,no problems,no emotional obligations afterward, and no pressure to agree or not.She says that it has been in her mind and felt very liberated to share how she feels.This woman broke my heart long ago now wants to start something.We kissed.It was like she never did anything to hurt me at all.So is this traditional structured relationship thing meant for simple people, or can we actually love someone else with all due respect? Yeah, freedom has its consequences….good luck
I was in the same predicament. I burned for the other woman. I left my wife and chilren to chase her. It was so freaking hot for about 3 months. Then the burn just wore off…I dont know what happened. Now that we talk we have nothing in common. I thought she was “the one”. Now I miss my beautiful sweet wife, who I destroyed. I want my kids back. I miss my family. Think it over man. Its not worth it.
does she know how you feel? how does she feel about you? i have to tell you, life is awkward. we dont always find ourselves in ideal situations, youre not a bad person for feeling this way. however, you have to think about the heartache and loss and maybe even shame and guilt that you will feel if you leave your wife. these things can seriously mar the potential relationship you can have with the other woman, as well as affect you in all kinds of areas of your life. my advice to you is this – tell the other woman how you feel, first and foremost. because unless you think you have the emotional and mental whatever it is to just change these feelings, you need to know how she feels too. then promise yourself – and follow through – that you are going to walk away and try to work on things with your wife. a lot of times we find things in other people (extra maritally) that we discover we not only need in a spouse but that we dont have. so try and find out if you can be happy with your wife. if you leave her you need to know that you would be happy with that choice regardless of what happens with the other woman. i think it would be a mistake that you will regret if you leave your current situation only for someone else. but if you get to the point in your relationship with your wife where you know that no matter what else transpires in your life in terms of other women, you cant be fully happy with her (your wife), then you can leave and have peace of heart, mind, and soul. you can try to find this other woman then. but if shes a friend, tell her you cant talk to her anymore. if shes a coworker try to transfer or at least avoid her as much as possible. if shes still in your life in any way youll never know if the problem is in the relationship with your wife, or just that youd rather be with this other woman. because preferring to be with someone else is not a good enough reason to leave. the happiness of your whole new relationship will be dependent on it being ‘special’ enough to justify what you did and that is way too much pressure. good luck and i hope you find the answers your looking for in your heart. please remember that no matter what you choose to do, youre a human being and you deserve happiness and peace- as does everyone else in your story.
you can love the other person from afar..not all urges have to be satisfied…it’s not abnormal to love two people…many of us do…but it complicates life..don’t act on your urges..
Who are any of us to say he has to be with one instead of the other? Who are any of us to say he is only supposed to love one of them? Give me a break.
Sorry to be the apostate here, but to my mind thoughts and feelings are not sins. I’d rather go to hell if I’m free from the Thought Police in this life. Spending time with the other woman is emotional cheating, but having feelings for her is not.
“Who are any of us to say he has to be with one instead of the other? Who are any of us to say he is only supposed to love one of them? Give me a break.”
It might not be for US to say… but that guy said it to his wife. That he would ‘have and to hold’, love her exclusively ’till death do us part… you know… marriage?
The guy is a liar and is cheating on his wife by putting time and emotional energy that belongs to his wife into a woman that isn’t his wife. If he spent half of that energy on his wife and stopped lying to her about his feelings, he might actually save his marriage. As it is… he’s cutting his wife’s heart out with the knife in her back.
So who are we to judge you ask? We’re the jury he put himself in front of. He made a promise to his wife and he’s breaking it. You can be as blase as you want to be about it, but he’s betraying his wife and he should absolutely be called out for it. He might not be able to control his thoughts and feelings, but he certainly doesn’t have to LIE TO HIS WIFE about it.
Sound advice and intelligence my friend.
Kudos to you.
I know what you are going though, the guilt the fustration all of it! But in the end the lust and passion wore off and the fondation of that relationship was seeded in bad beginning, what we lack in our relationship we sometimes seek other in other people, which I now know is wrong and dissillional(sp?). It hurt my spouse to find out, and they always do, and it hurt my kids. But most of all it hurt me to become decitful, untrustworthy and a lier. It pains me to know I was unfaithful and greatful that my spouse forgave me. But I always now in the back of my head that I did wrong, very wrong to have an affair. If I could give anything to take it back I would. But I can’t. Please talk to your spouse and try to fix your marriage. If thats not possible get a divorce. Its better to be single and honest than to become something to yourself that is disgraceful to look at in the mirror every morning. It takes a long time to get over. Please dont do it. Its soooooo not worth it!
This.
I went through what you feel–and then some. I loved him. Then I finally decided to end it so that he could work on his marriage and I on mine.
I am so much happier now.
I do still love him. I often miss him. There is palpable tension when we are together. (He and his wife are friends of ours and we share mutual friends.) But I know I did the right thing and my marriage is better than ever now that I have channeled all of my energy into it instead of into someone else. Don’t even go as far as I did. You can burn for someone else, but it’s how you handle those feelings that determines your happiness.
Some good advice my mom gave me( whos been married four times~) grass is always greener on the other side, but just remember; the one constant that doesnt change in any relationship you have is YOURSELF! This marriage is not only hers but yours also. Take a close look at yourself and what you are offering in the marriage change yourself before you ask others to change.
greener is right. look at yourself. would you want what you are doing to be done to you? the pain you inflict on other people cannot be separated from the pain you inflict on yourself. This what I believe and have for a long time now. you are damaging yourself most of all by what you are doing -!
I was in a relationship and fell in love with another man.
We hadn’t done anything at this point, but the feelings I had were so strong that I realised I could not continue my relationship.
You are not a bad person – feelings are feelings, you just need to control them and work out what you want. Ultimatley, your heart will know what it wants.
You are experiencing an emotional affair which is more intense than a simple physical attraction. Do not let your wife find out the truth – be honest and tell her. She is going be extremely angry and disappointed but better it come from you and not someone else.
Watch Bridges of Madison County and read Roger Ebert’s review.
Then, drink a few glasses of pinot noir while writing her a good-bye letter where you state that you will keep in touch with her through letters only.
You get the pleasure of still having her in your life but without “cheating”.
Emotional affairs are not as destructive as physical ones, but you still need to let this play out and run its course.
This is what I’m doing and it has worked wonders to mitigate my “passion” and also keep my marriage alive.
It was simply too hard to erase him from my life when he (the other) taught me so much about life and was such a joy to be around.
At least I can look forward to his weekly letters.
It is torture sometimes, but life wasn’t meant to be easy.
Anna had a great idea. Follow her advice. We can love others – from afar. We need not consummate every relationship continuously.
It sounds like you need to make a decision to be with your wife or your new lover. Polygamy isn’t possible here but you don’t have to stay in an unsatisfactory marriage. If your marriage is not beyond compare, your first allegiance should be to your wife. Why drag them both around feeling unsatisfied?