6 yrs, no proposal ;(
Posted by Mandy in Love on Mar 12th, 2008 | 35 commentsAfter six years he has not proposed. All I get is words and no action. He about us getting married years now but never proposes. Every night I lie in my bed and cry myself to sleep because this man that I love unconditionally and want to spend the rest of my life with, he just cannot seem to make a commitment and get engaged to me. It’s on my mind all day everyday. I feel like inside my heart is empty. I can’t put it out of my mind that he will leave me and go for someone else eventually that’s why he wouldn’t commit. And that is a definite possibility because his mother hates me even though I have been the best girlfriend for the past 6 years. I can’t even talk to him about us and a future because he knows, my friends and family knows, everybody knows I want to be engaged and I will feel like I am pressuring him if I tell him how I feel. But after 6 wonderful, dedicated years, I feel to leave him since he cannot commit further to me. He is my world and my world is causing me so much hurt and pain inside and I can’t even tell him.
35 Responses to “ “6 yrs, no proposal ;(”
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I hate to tell you this; even if he does marry you at this point there will be no commitment. You fulfill all of the needs he has and ever will have, and just because he puts a ring on your finger will not change the pattern of the relationship you have already built. You should move on or be content with the level of commitment he has already shown you. I’m sorry and good luck!
Why dont you ask him 2 marry you? if he says no then u no were u stand but if he says yes u have got everything u wanted! hope it works out
I dated my husband for 6 years before we got married. We were in college and he was waiting for the “right time” after graduation. I wish you the best and I understand how you feel. I almost gave up on my husband too. Maybe the hold up has more to do with his fears of not being right for you. If he won’t commit walk away while you still have some youth left.
what kind of a man is he??? is he really a man or a coward who has no plans of whatsoever WITH YOU. listen to yourself, you’re crying! don’t know if he’ll propose to you or not! don’t wait for another year or more years to come and find out he has no plans for you! do your part! ask him. talk to him straight. then, make decisions both of you how this relationship will go.
look i dont know you but ill tell you this much 6 years no commitment means simply hes not ready and or doesnt want he was talking out his ass filling ur head with shit a mother yes plays a big part in a man’s life but 6 years is ridiculous and if you dont have children with this man who ur calling ur world that should make it all the easier to leave you ever heard of the saying be careful what you wish for or you just might get it well maybe i dont know there i a reason he isnt popping the question and you want to be stirring up calm waters dont go looking for something that might not work out for you 6 years should be the sign for you to leave men dont know what they have until its gone while you harassing yourself trying to be a good companion he still lives on carries on and doesnt even notice what ur feeling
Ever heard the saying” you don’t know what you have till its gone”? Maybe that is what it would take for him to realize and appreciate what he had and if he doesn’t come crawling back to you, then you know that he checked out of that relationship long ago without having the balls to tell you so. Good Luck!
…If you’re trying to guess why&when then it’s not meant to be.
When you know you’re in love and committed, you’re already confident that you’ll be married to each other because you’re both..COMUNICATING!
…six years loss is better than 12 years together in marriage and unfulfillment.
Just make sure he wasn’t waiting to pay off the ring before proposing and you got too impatient!
Ask yourself if – aside from a ring and a piece of paper – YOU are getting everything you need emotionally/romantically/so on from him.
Does he make you happy? Is he there for you? Do you have fun together? Does he treat you well? If you answered yes to those questions, then what does a ring and a piece of paper have to do with you being happy? I’m married – and let me tell you that the piece of paper and ring DO NOT make our relationship. Hard work, communication, love, and compromise make it.
The ring and paper = tax write offs and benefits under insurance and so forth. Yes, it was also a romantic gesture – I won’t lie. If you really want to be with this man because of what he is, then be with him. If what you are looking for is a piece of paper stating that you own each other, maybe you need to reassess your relationship. If all you want is to plan a big fancy wedding – you have delusions of grandeur. Marriage is what takes place after all of the lace and frill. And lets not forget that he’ll legally get half of all possessions and monetary assets if your piece of paper gets ruled out by another one labeled DIVORCE.
If you truly love him, ask him (don’t whine at him or berate him) calmly why he doesn’t ask you to marry him. Calm his worries about why you are asking him this – it is a romantic gesture and a tax write off! lol. Those people were right however, if there is something wrong in your relationship aside from your obsession with marriage then you do deserve to know now rather than wasting more of your life with someone who may not be able to commit to you fully. But just because he won’t marry you doesn’t mean that he isn’t committed.
*SIGH* that’s just what I wanted to hear. Me and my man have being together for 5 years this christmas and lately I’ve been secretly pining for a wedding ring. We’ve talked about it before and he always says he wants to wait until we’re financially ready. I’m 23 and he’s 24 so at times I feel like “ok, we’re still young, it makes sense to build a financial foundation together first” and other times I feel like I’m surrounded by married couples, and they’re having babies and buying houses and I’m crying inside my head “Why not me?”
I just got to take a breath and answer those questions. YES:he does make me happy – just the thought of him makes me grin from ear to ear. YES: My man is always there for me, and even sometimes when I don’t need it he’s there anyways to back me up. YES: we have SO much fun together! I can’t remember a day where we didn’t laugh until we cried. YES he treats me so good. We are best friends. If we ever did get married, we’d be the poster face of the ideal married couple.
That being said, If I’m 27 and there’s still no ring, I’m proposing to HIM!
Wow, I could have totally posted that message… 4 years ago. When I was 23, I started thinking about marriage and kids after being with my man for 5 years. Now it’s been 9 years and I too have considered proposing to him (if it didn’t look so desperate, I probably would have done it). He makes me happy. He’s a good guy. It’s just frustrating to be in this everlasting limbo of “will he or won’t he?”.
Give yourself a chance to experience a full wonderful life and true love and move on. Their is nothing worse than poor communication and someone stringing you along for 6 plus years in a relationship when you want to be married. This is not love. I was 29 years old when I fell in love and began dating a man 9 years older. We will be together for 9 years in October. I am moving on because most men know after 3 years max if they want to marry you or not. I did not want to give up. A lot in the relationship died and we rarely went out like we use to. The good times that we have now come in peaks and valleys. Then I found a letter that he wrote to another woman. In the letter he wanted to take the woman to dinner and do all of the things that he no longer wanted to do with me. It is hard to accept when people find it hard to do the right thing. You cannot have love without honesty, respect, compassion, gentleness, consideration and love. If you can’t discuss marriage after 6 years something is terribly wrong. It was hard to accept that I chose to be with someone who did not love me enough not to waste my time but ultimately I chose to continue to be with him and ignore the signs. Don’t internalize his problems as your own. Do what is best for you. Move on and get therapy if you have too. You don’t want to become bitter because you gave up the most fertile years of your life and cheated your self at the opportunity to experience real love. Every engaged women has had to make this decision at one point in her life.
My guess is he is somebody who analyzes every possiblility and what is comes down to is DIVORCE vs. Nasty Break-Up which would you rather go through.
I am in the same boat, 6 years into it, I pay for everything, he hasn’t worked for most of it, there seems to be an excuse for everything, if he really wanted me he wouldhave worked at a fast food joint to make it happen YET I am still with him and don’t know why
I’m also in the same boat. Matt and I will be together for 6 years this October. When our 5th anniversary came and went with no proposal I sat him down and told him how I felt and that I was concerned that we have been together for as long as we have and he hasn’t asked me. He told me that he wants to but that he has a picture in his head of being finished with nursing school and able to support me before getting married. He’s been done with his nursing school prereqs and trying to get into nursing school for 2 years now, but we both have well paying jobs so I told him that I understand his plan but it’s ok to do things out of order a little when life throws us curve balls. Lord knows that everyone that knows us knows that we’re getting married, lol.
My point is that before I sat down and talked it out with Matt there was a very uncomfortable tension between us and an empty feeling in my heart despite the fact that I knew I loved this man and he loved me. After knowing how he feels and the reason he hasn’t proposed yet that’s all been lifted and our relationship has gotten even better. I just live each day like the marriage I want to have and am happy.
Talk it out with your boyfriend and move from there. Good luck. :)
Hopefully this has been resolved for you since last year.
I have now been with my BF for 9 years and still no ring. The thing is, we both love each other very much and can’t imagine our lives without one another, but more and more I think I have wasted so much time on someone who will never ask me those little words I need to hear. You don’t want to be 29 and still doing this like I am. We own a house together and have 2 dogs. I want children but that window is starting to close as I approach the magic age of 35 and he knows that.
As you read this I am sure you are thinking I am crazy for staying as long as I have and thinking he is a total jerk, but he isn’t. He is sweet, honest, trustworthy, loving, caring but scared. I guess you just have to get your priorities together and see where marriage ranks.
Good Luck, I know it isn’t easy!
oh the sexist games ppl play. why must the onus be on the man to propose? go out, buy him an expensive engagement ring, get down on one knee and ask him to marry u. and oh by the way, while he gets the expensive ring u get nothing material in return. sounds ridiculous and sexist right? exactly. well welcome to the sexist games that dumb men put up with. not me. never. i believe in true equality. unlike hypocrit feminists. get real
Youre just a jerk and will probably be single all of your life…You only believe in true equality because you dont have the desire to be a true provider in your family..Sounds to me that you need to get real my friend..
A man doesn’t have to present an expensive ring to ask you to marry them. Don’t make up excuses why you don’t ask. Two years an no commitment. He says he is committed, not sure in what way to him. Never wants to talk about it. I have given myself a time frame that I feel is reasonable, if it’s not met, I outa there. You can’t get time back.
I like all of you have been in a 6 year relationship. I have discussed with him what I expect as I am older. I have grown children and so does he, in fact he is 5 years older than I and says he is commited and loves me very much,he knows what I want yet nothing. He says he has every intention on marrying me but won’t untill we pay some things we owe. I told him we are always going to owe someone something and I have no intention on doing this for a 7th year. He does take very good care of me, but marrage is important to me! I do love him and he says he loves me! I will leave if by the end of our 6th year he does nothing and I have told him that. There have been some red flags that I ignored and should’nt have but did as I do love him, maybe this is a blessing in disguis I don’t know. Is there any help for me?
I think you should tell him how you feel, if he still refuses to marry you, then you should dump him, no use in wasting your best years on him if the relationship isn’t progresing. Good luck. :)
5 years in, I dont know what to even say anymore, I’ve asked out straight, hinted heavily all to no avail, Its started to come between us at this stage, its the huge bull in the room no-one mentions, it is killing me. Tbh, I dont think I’d say yes anymore, its hurt me so much. I think it may be time to say goodbye.
I have been together with my boyfriend for 6 years. I had the sit down and let’s talk about our future talk. It was really difficult for me to express just how much I’ve been hurting by relationship limbo. There are so many things I’d like to accomplish but I want to know where he and I stand? All he said is that he needs time to think? I don’t know how to go on from here. I figured that I would give him about two weeks to approach me with some of his thought process. If he doesn’t, I’m moving on. I’m terrified but I just can’t give anymore time.
I agree with what most people have written here. I don’t have much to add, just a point of accuracy and realism. Your message said you loved him unconditionally, which isn’t really true. You are willing to leave him if he does not marry you. Technically that is a conditional thing, not unconditional.
I don’t think unconditional love is a good goal to have, even if it were possible. “Unconditional love” leads to exploitation and disappointment by those who think they’re giving it. Unconditional means you would never leave him ever no matter what he does — that’s not healthy.
Unconditional love does not necessarily equate to unconditionally tolerating unfair, dismissive or abusive behaviour. I can understand loving someone unconditionally, but also loving yourself enough to walk away when you are not being treated well or getting what you need out of the relationship. If the person you are with loves you unconditionally they will either work through their committment issues/fears and find a compromise to the question of marriage, or they will love you enough to let you go so you can find someone willing or ready to make that ultimate committment.
if you can not express how you feel to this man NOW i don’t think you should marry him. what sort of communication have you two got anyway ? do you live together? if so, move out and get your own place. or kick him out. you never give 100% of your time and love and attention to a man who is not 100% committed to you. you spent 6 years waiting – that’s long enough. this is not a movie going by- it’s your life.
I did the waiting game… Dated for about 9yrs from when I was 27, he finally proposed when I was 38 because I told him I was moving on and why! The proposal was over my tears during the rant and not how I dreamt or hoped. I got what issued for and as they say, be careful! Now almost a year later and there is still no date, I may be infertile and raising a child for18+ yrs sounds horrendous because I will be 56+ yrs when they become of age! He believes in marriage before kids! I am no longer looking forward to marriage really anymore as it doesn’t sound exciting or romantic! Now I told him if he wants to marry he will do all the planning and I have to approve plus I am not paying! Not a terribly good start but if he truly wants me and all I get is to take care of an aging man why should I put up with anymore grief? Now it’s just a work contract! My advice is plan your exit strategy so your not left feeling bitter when you are ready to move on! Keep all ur friends, work it, find what u love and do it! Find your dream career and don’t allow him to make u sacrifice anything! Keep dating others and do not have sex! Just stay on the market until he’s ready to take you off the market! Good luck!
Klo–9 years is way past long enough. I hope you truly have decided to move on girl.
I have been in a relationship with a man for 3 years; we have been living together for the last year. I love this man very much – we have been through a lot together and still we are in love. We have both talked about spending the rest of our lives togeteher. All that said at some point soon I feel the relationship needs to progress into marriage (something I have been clear is important to me) or I have to be willing to walk away. I too have asked the same questions, why the hesitation? If he really loves me and can see us building a life together why wont he propose? Questions of what is wrong with me or wondering if he thinks I am ‘the one’ come up as well. BTW I am 32 and he is 37. It would be a different story if we were in our 20′s. If he cannot or will not committ with a marriage proposal by the end of living together for a year than I am pretty determined to move on. In fact (sad to say) that was the agreement when we moved in together. I didnt want to live together unless we were engaged, he didnt want to be engaged unless we had lived together. The year long preengagement living together arrangement was our compromise. All this frank discussion and proposed time line certainly doenst feel very romantic. The truth is some of marriage and making a committment is about pracitality. You may love the hell out of someone but if they live across the world, never to return, a long distance marriage may not be realistic. At times I am forced to be realistic. If our timelines and readiness does not match up soon I may need to go my seperate way. Is that so bad? It does not mean that I do not love him, I love him very much, but I honor and love myself too and I know that I will likely harbor resentment if I wait too long beyond when I have been ready. Ultimately if he loves me and really wants to be with me like he claims he will step up and make a serious committment to me, he will bite the bullet even if it is out of his comfort zone. If he needs to honor himself and cannot tolerate the ultimatum to make that committment than I have to respect that. I will have to find comfort in that we both did what is best for ourselves and ultimately for each other. Love and marriage is never a sure thing but there does come a time when one needs to take a leap of faith, go with your gut and hope for the best, that being either leaving an unfufilling relationship or taking the plunge and getting married.
I understand you completely, but I need you to understand this form a different perspective:
6 years in a relationship is pretty much the same as spending 6 years in a religion, at a job, in a cult.. etc. The only difference is either is good for you and promotes growth, or it’s not. You think because you gave someone or something 6 years of your life, that you aren’t responsible for reinventing yourself. That’s bullsh*t. Just like a person may be conditioned by religion, you have conditioned yourself to feel like you NEED this man in your life. You forgot how exciting your life can be, and I’m sure that translates through to the people who interact with you.
When you spend that much time with someone, you tend to forget your autonomy and your individuality. The best modern relationships are those that offer a healthy balance of learning, freedom and teaching, so that you know how o balance being a couple and maintaining your own individuality as people. That’s also a great way to remain attracted to each other and keep the spark alive.
In this situation, I greatly feel you have abandoned your autonomy, you r self sufficiency and your independence for this notion, this ideal of marriage with this one particular man. When relationships get to this point, your maturity rate slows because your life lessons become limited. The things you attract to your life become routine.
I don’t know what your boyfriend’s deal is specifically, but I can tell you from experience and from an outside perspective that a huge problem for him may be that you want it so bad. I’m not siding with your boyfriend, in fact I think ultimately YOU need to learn to live in a more universally aware way, meaning understanding all perspectives but being mature enough to know when to make the right decisions for yourself. When you live in this way that is based so strongly on WANTING, so much so that you are not really living, then technically you’re forcing the situation, and that is toxic. And really shame on your boyfriend for not telling you what he really wants. I find that to be repulsive in a way, because he is, in a sense, very subtly torturing you, and YOU’RE letting him. This situation isn’t about getting married, this is about what you are allowing to happen. He has already made his case and point by not asking you because he isn’t ready, which translates to him not wanting to. Why should this stop you from living your life?
Sweetie, not all men are these natural leaders. In fact, a true leader boils down to the character of the individual, not the gender. For relationships to be successful, the woman should be a little smarter than the man, and always be a step ahead. I mean, we’re smart as human beings, but there is still something animal about us in this society that calls for this subtle dominance. If you really want to make this relationship work, you need to regain your self control, and find your individualism as whatever cost. Take up hobbies outside of him, join a gym, go back to school.. etc. Maybe even get your own place and try to start over with him. You need to reinvent yourself and show him that you love him, but you don’t need him. Both you and him need to know that you marrying him is something you want to do from the heart, and not because you desperately love him and after 6 years it’s what you should do. You aren’t secure in yourself and want him to give you that security through marriage, yeah that’s a turn off. He needs to know that you can live without him and be fine. Sweetie, YOU need to know you can live without him.
Separate yourself and reevaluate who you are. You may be pleasantly surprised by what you find.. :)
great, cant figure out if you are sincere or just a man-hater, but I loved your comments and am thinking about them deeply.
Read the book “Why Men Marry Bitches” by Sherry Argov.
Some of the stuff is so subtle, yet spot-on when the author points it out. For example: To a man a woman is sexy when she is happy. BUT, a man does not want to be responsible for someone else’s happiness. So don’t go on and on gushing about how happy HE makes YOU.
Just let him experience your happiness with yourself, your life, your circumstances, etc. Don’t pin it on him.
A large part of the book’s format is relationship principle #1,#2,#3, etc. Then each principle is explained in detail. More examples…
He doesn’t marry someone who’s perfect, he marries someone who’s interesting. Book goes on to give advice on how to show a man that you are an interesting person.
The book affirms that men like to pursue and like a challenge, but the book DOES NOT advise you to play hard to get.
BUT if it’s obvious you are 100% hooked on him and he is YOUR WORLD there’s nothing exciting about you anymore.
Behave as if you like him, but aren’t that interested in locking him down. Start getting more involved in your OWN life.
No man should be any woman’s WHOLE WORLD. THAT’S YOUR MISTAKE.
I’ve been with my partner now for four years we have two beautiful children.I’ve always wanted to get married but he keeps making excuses either about finishing uni first or he’s says we’re not financially ready but I wouldn’t care if we got married in a registry office its not about the money or a big wedding I just want the honour of being his wife I love this man but can’t help feeling that the time will every be right or the situation. He is nigerian n I’m jamaican his parents hate me n only put up with me for the kids n I feel that’s his reason for not wanting to marry I just want the truth so I can move on with my life but how do I get the true answers?
7 years 3 months. I’m 23 he’s 25. 2 childrEn. Lived together 4 years. Living a married life. He says he loves me and wants to spend rest of his life with me BUT he’s not ready yet y rush n marriage can make things go wrong.. I dnt Kno wat to make of it. I’m scared because I’ve loved him from the minute I met him we have had ups and downs and we work at our relationship to make it successful. What if I’m not the one for him.. These doubts are becoming more frequent what if he’s not ready because theres not enough love there? Can anyone answer me please Ive told him how I feel n he said no one else but me is for him n he’s jus not ready he wants a wife who doesn’t like going out clubbing etc so I’m guessing untill I am about 30 he won’t want to marry me is this the right attiude to have
Girl it sounds like your man and my soon to be ex are twins. lol we will be going on 6 years in oct. and i wrote him a 4 page letter telling him how i feel and just thought it was a material thing we will buy you a promise ring that beyond broke my heart we live together and have a 2 year old together and if he cant make that commitment to me of marriage after 6 years and a son and living together what………. i dont get it and i am still young i do everything for him and i work my ass off to make him happy but his friends and family dont like me very much and i think he wont ever man up…… i feel like screaming and ripping my hair out when i see friends and family getting married before myself and especially when they been dating half of our relationship. im honestly ready to let loose and move on if you want to get that commitment from the man you love so much after years and children together ….. why are they holding back because they dont want to commit to use … so y should we want to commit to them
Hi Lou. I am in the same boat as you, only its been nine years, I am now considering going and moving on with my life alone, as when I talked about how I feel he changed the subject.. No kidding, he literally brushed it off. I also live with him, cook for him, clean up after him etc… I think its a case of ‘Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free’ Hope things get better with you hun :) x