6 years together and she said not now?
Posted by Nick in Love on Jun 5th, 2011 | 10 commentsWe are 26 and 25. This year is our 6th year of dating. I knew she was the one long ago but she had always hinted at not being ready. This year however I proposed, expensive ring, a ring design that we have both agreed suited her months ago and the response was ‘Not Now’
We have discussed kids names, marriage and where we would have the wedding. We live together and i have just received a fantastic promotion at work. I am just so shocked at the response. She wouldn’t even let me show her the ring!
Asking her why, there was no reason given. I figured she must be scared but hours later she told me she will still want kids and to get married.
Where to from here?
Badly confused.
10 Responses to “ “6 years together and she said not now?”
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Hate to say it man; she’s the one for you, but you’re probably not the one for her. “Not Now” after 6 years is more than a fear of commitment, it’s guilt. She’s cheated on you before and she’s afraid she’ll do it again. This pattern (avoiding commitment in a long term relationship where marriage has been discussed, especially by the female) is typical of someone who’s cheated.
Agreed. Find someone worthy of you.
You can buy her the world and she will still tell you “not now”. If she had told you from the beginning, it will not change her decision, even after you asked her why. Yet she plays with you, talks to you about marriage and kids because she knows thats what you want to hear so that you will stay, you won’t leave her and you will be her lifesaver because she knows you love her more than she loves you. Also, I have to say that I agree with Special Needs that there may be a possibility of her cheated on you in the past. However, focusing on the present and future, I think you need to move on because you are a very sweet guy who, when found the one that you love most, will treat them extremly well. However, not everyone will recipricate to your expressions. Love is a feeling that cannot be expressed so easily. It’s also an emotion so overwhemling that we sometimes don’t know the right time to let go. Well, after talking with her and asking her, feel it with your heart, debate it with your mind in realistic measures, “will there really be afuture for the both of you?”
If she really is the one for you, there is only one solution:
Don’t say, “I was thinking … um … if you feel ready … um … would you maybe want to get married or something?”
Say, “Marry me.” Then take her hand and administer the ring. If she starts to talk start kissing her.
Alternatively, sell the ring and buy some hookers and classy alcohol and celebrate your new promotion in style.
We don’t know whether she has cheated on you. Maybe. What we do know is that she has a serious hesitation, for some reason, i.e. she doesn’t want you with the intensity that you want her right now. From this point on, if you stay together and grind it out, desperately trying to earn her true desire, things will only get more stale and she will only want you less. The rejection will be the elephant in the room, and being so abundantly aware of your unambiguous desire for her, she will need only think about what she’s missing out on elsewhere. After this milestone, you are too available and you need to change the dynamimc. I think the only way to truly have her is to affirmatively create some distance. Take a break. But it has to be entirely by your doing, on your terms. The only way you can spark that intense desire/longing for you in her is to show her your independent self, and all that she stands to lose. You can still talk as you see fit, but you have to change your energy in your interactions. Don’t let your need/desire for her come through. Focus on yourself and your personal growth, and let that independent completeness radiate from you. You can and should still be kind and good, but it should be from a place of noble independence, not neediness or desire. That is the only way she can come to respect and desire you the way you want her to. Yes, distance will be scary and risky. But the alternative, i.e. staying on this trajectory without making a fundamental dynamic change, is slow and certain death. And if you spend your energy on your own growth, being the best person you can be and it still doesn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to be. Best to you, my friend.
Also, merely bringing up the “taking a break discussion” might be enough, if you’re serious about it. And to be clear, I’m not advising you to “play games.” I’m just saying after this rejection, she has to see you for who you are, independent of her and your relationship, which has now become a source of stress and awkwardness. I’m saying take some time to truly reflect on the self independent of the world and of her; get in touch with that deepest part of you that precedes this relationship, and focus on your personal growth. This will be beneficial whether or not it leads to you marrying her. As a bonus, it’s the only way I see for her to start desiring you from scratch again.
My guess is that you are not the one to her, she either have someone else who she hopes to be with or waiting for a BETTER CASE than you.
This means you are her second choice, if she doesnt find anyone better, she might marry you.
Now the question is if this is what you want? hmmm? up to you!
I agree that some of the people above me be correct in assumptions and advice. However I also have to say that not knowing either of you, I don’t think those things are the only possibilities. Her decision could have nothing to do with you. I know that sounds odd, considering its the decision about whether to spend the rest of her life with you, but I think it’s a possibility. She may love talking about and imagining a life with you as husband and wife with kids, but she may not be ready for that dream to be now. She may be perfectly happy with where you guys are. She may just be going off of a feeling that she’s happy where she is and doesn’t even know why she said “not now.” Anyway hope it will/has worked out for you.
I just discovered this website and after reading your story…it’s like reading about myself. And I’m also the girl who said to the man I love that I am not ready to get married…we’ve been together for 3 years now and the reason is not that I have been cheating as most of the comments suggests that your girlfriend has. I think it might have to do with her insecurity and self-esteem or maybe lack of trust in marriage and happiness. In my case, I’m a divorcee, I’ve been divorced for 3 ½ years now and I must confess that I don’t believe in marriages anymore, because I don’t trust a man’s love anymore. I still don’t know why I let another man into my life so early on after my divorce? But he (my boyfriend) has been my best friend for several years and he caught me of guard by kissing me, and even though I wasn’t ready he didn’t want to go back being friends because he was in love with me and I didn’t want to lose him so…we started dating. I do love him, but I don’t trust him…mainly beacuse he keeps telling me that he would dump me if we don’t get married soon and that he will never talk to me again or be my friend anymore, he would cut all contacts with me. He’ve been saying these things for the past 2 ½ years and also, he did actually dump me twice the second year we were together and he got back with me because he said he couldn’t live without me. But just these past 6 months he told me he’s gonna dump me five times already and now we’re not speaking :( I’m just so angry because the last thing he told was; either we get married this summer or you will never see me again in your life! I don’t know what to do anymore? I guess my comment ended up being a confession too :S But I think that “Oatoen” had pretty good suggestions for you “Nick in love”. I wish you the best of luck. Take care
Dump her. If she thinks she can hold it over your head now, imagine what things will be like when you’re married.
Don’t let her have her cake and eat it too.
You can do better.