I Hate Myself: but, Oh! – to be a Woman (I guess I feel shameful too…)

I just finished my first semester @ graduate school – lets just say I’m going into a profession involving the ethical distributing of services to individuals in need or crisis. I’m doing much better than I was a year ago but nevertheless:

Everyone in my life thinks I have been clean for 1 year from a bad oxycontin and heroin sniffing habit that developed for 9 years – yet I have slipped up a few times – nobody but my caseworker knows about this.

I just completed my final papers – but I completely forged 1/3 of one and lied to my friends/family/girlfriend about it. In addition, I also lied about my finishing a different final paper to those same individuals. The paper is now late. I sent an email to the proffesor and attached a document which I plan on passing off as having mailed it by mistake. I hope my professor buys it! I hate to do such a malicious thing but, I couldn’t manage my time…a-gain. A.M-f’ing-gain. – I need to write the other one tomorrow or i’m pretty sure she’ll catch on and I’ll really be screwed.

OH yeah – and I want to marry my girlfriend – who I am helplessly in love with and dependent on simultaneously – and live happily ever after but, I’m pretty positive I am gay. I have slept with and hooked up with many male strangers.

I let them blow me, I let them pound me.

Lately I also have become a heavy user of Internet Pornography – almost to an obsessive level. I download pics for hours – set up a “perfect” slide-show and then masturbate for many more hours after downloading the porn.

I do this at school (grad school and at my job), @ home (often with a dildo in my ass), and anywhere else I get the chance or just horny (for instance, my car, a pool, public bathrooms, locker rooms, sauna’s…in buses, vans, female cousins beds, my sisters bed, my mothers bed, in my girlfriends panties, and many other places).

Worst of all – I hate being gay. I really do…so much that I jerk off to chicks wearing panties and masturbating – while i wear panties and masturbate. I love to imagine that I was them.

If I were just a girl then none of this would happen. I could be a lesbian, and have it be normal – see I guess I don’t like guys – but I am very sensitive and effeminate and love anal sex – I often wish I had a vagina.

If I were a women, my porn obsession would go away, I could wear panties all day (sexy ones), i could be as sensitive as I want and have it be okay, and I would not have to be ashamed of being into guys sometimes and chicks sometimes (oh wait i said that already).

I just want a normal life – with a guy, or maybe with a girl – If perhaps, I were female myself.

I guess im attracted to women, but stuck in the male body. Yet I find myself wanting to ultimately become a woman Alright – maybe i’m not making much sense, but it all seems to add up in my head.

I just want a normal life, with a wholesome family, and some kids but…I want to be a women and – and IM SO SHAMEFUL OF THIS I HATE IT!!!
- but..
i love it, I want to be a pretty pretty girl….

Oh well – off to bed. I have another big day of helping others overcome the tragedy, confusion, and shame within their own lives – in order to ultimately make me feel better about all of my shameful, horrible, and disgusting secrets.
I’m know some may call me terrible but I try. Nevertheless,
…
…I hate myself sometimes.

- I hate my complete inability to be normal…
But most of all….
I HATE MY LIES~~~Yet, I digress….

All I have left to hold onto,
keeping me alive and able to push on and fake it – is,
my innate ability in, my potential to, and my obsessive NEED to help others mostly so that…
they…
do not end up hating themselves as much..
as I
hate
me.

Goodnight :) Another big day tomorrow :) :) :)