I Hate My boyfriend and I Hate being mom to the kid we Have

I didn’t even have this kid. I just donated the womb and I didn’t even mean to do that. He purposefully didn’t pull out because he said he was ” mad”. Yeah he was mad at the other chick he was freaking. When it came time to get the abortion, he takes 100 dollars and tricks it off on another fat skank in a cheap motel room. I tried everything I could to kill this kid and hopefully me with it, I hate adoptions, I couldn’t give up the kid after it’s been in me this long. The only reason why I love her this much is because she was living in me for 7 months. Yeah she was a preemie, apparently she’s here for a reason, any other baby would’ve died after living in me. He told me I should’ve “kept my legs closed to a mad man” and how I could’ve put her up for adoption despite it wasn’t what I wanted and it was my money that was being used. I can’t stand looking at him and he’s only here now because I’m making sure I fuck him up mentally. I don’t love him, I don’t even respect him. I have to get drunk to have sex with him and if I’m not drunk I just lay there. The Poor little girl deserves much better than both of us, he did the crap on purpose to keep me at the house. When I did work, I didn’t want to come home I couldn’t stand looking at her, i couldn’t stand smelling him. I would ask my boss everyday for overtime, I’d even do a double I just didn’t wanna go home. I’ve been wanting to cheat on him but I can’t I don’t even find sex pleasurable anymore, it disgust me. I feel like no one wants me anyway. He has another little girl with a chick who he had a fling with a couple years ago. He first lied about her being pregnant then he blames me for why he was there in the first place. Never have I felt to compelled to kill someone, I fought him last night and nearly beat his skull with my heater, like he did to me 2 years ago. I only stopped because I didn’t want the cops at my fathers house and I wasn’t going to prison behind someone who deserves a slow painful death. I told him I’d marry him just to make his life hell, since neither one of us believe in divorce. I wouldn’t be faithful, I’d lie about the littlest things and make him feel guilty for the things I’ve done. I don’t have much to lose emotionally and I can spare the time. No one has ever walked away from me without missing some part of themselves. Manipulaters often forget that they can be manipulated.