Hate for my life and my body
Posted by K in Hate on Jan 4th, 2010 | 7 commentsI’ve never liked how I looked. I can’t find anything about myself that I like. My skin color, my eyes, my voice, body parts, I hate them all. I wish I could be someone else, someone pretty. I’m 120lbs and still I think I’m fat. I want to lose weight so badly. I’ve done some things I shouldn’t, I’m scared, but sometimes I just don’t care. Still, I can’t say that I fit into the cookie cutter of what it means to have an eating disorder. The intelligent side of me recongizes that it’s a danger to my health, but the other side of me doesn’t care. I’ve been alone all my life and it seems like I shouldn’t care since I don’t go out or have a life or friends anyway, but I do. I care so very much that it’s all I think about from day to day. I always feel like I get overlooked when I do happen to get out by everyone, like I’m invisible. Maybe I am. I don’t want people to overlook me because I’m not pretty enough or skinny enough, but that’s how the world is, isn’t it? I’ve never had a proper father figure and at almost 20 years old I desperately want a male in my life to love me. I’d like that to be in the form of a boyfriend since I’ve never had one, but that will probably never happen. Even if it did, I feel I’d be too hesitant to have a relationship with anyone because I’m screwed up enough as it is and I don’t need to pile relationship issues on top of that. Still, I want a guy so badly. Maybe I’d feel better if someone other than my family could love me even if they knew all the crap that came with me. Is there anyone out there like that for me? I know there’s probably no one listening, but that’s okay. It’s nice just being able to write it down, get it out. I don’t feel any better, it’s just nice.
7 Responses to “ “Hate for my life and my body”
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I know how you feel, you’re young and love will come to you when the time is right. Please don’t be so hard on yourself, you deserve to be loved but YOU have to love yourself first. Tell yourself every day that you are beautiful and smile even if you have to fake it. Reach out to people who are hurting and lonely and you may start to feel better about yourself. I wish you love and happiness and the best things in life.
i felt just like you for a very long time… the only thing that helped was to start from zero, i moved and started all over… met people who knew nothing of my past and didn’t care to know.
i even found a girl, which i though it was immposible at that time.
You have no idea how a fresh start changes everything…
dont’ try to change who you are,change the enviroment around you, people will notice you, you are NOT invicible!!
You are definitely not alone with those feelings hon, but behind those feelings about yourself and your body are some very very deep rooted feelings of hurt and fear that need to be dealt with. Get some help and work through that shit so you can begin to like yourself. It will not get better until you do. That’s just my experience with those feelings. It’s hard and scary and painful, but happiness is well worth it! You are worth it!!!
You need to start chatting online more, to build your self esteem. You are probably a little asian girl that’s why you are only 120lbs, and I personally think if you just stick to veggies and drink lots of water like 4 L per day, you can get back down to 90 lbs.
start looking for good chat sites online and maybe submit your picture to http://www.hotornot.com to see what people really think of you. tHen you can build from there.
Good luck
Okay, how about NOT listening to this twit? Girl, I would KILL to be 120 lb. Even if you’re only 4’10″ or something, you’re a hottie. BTW, studies show that 98% of women suffer at some point from some form of disordered eating, so you’re not alone. Listen, I once thought no one could ever love me, and now I’ve been married for six years. It will happen. Sounds like what you really need right now is a good friend. Hang in there, and don’t let some idiot give you diet advice:)
I have never seen you so i cant say for sure but 120 is a very healthy weight to be at maybe even a little low for some.
But thats not what i want to say. The point i want to share with you is maybe you need to look somewhere new for a companion, someone who loves you for you. Even if the person you find is damaged as well you can still make eachother feel amazing about who you are. you just need to search a little harder and in some different places. what im trying to say is it doesnt matter what you look like if you has someone who loves you regardless of appearence. Once you find someone like you, you can mend eachother.
And telling yourself you deserve to be loved outloud once a day actually works amazingly.
I had a girlfriend in High School. I was forced out of my parents house at 18. My witch sister tell lies and put pot Smoking pipes in my room. Mom found them, Dad tossed me out’like the garbage you are’!!
My medical career was over before it started.
Three years later I am working and she was in college…close to my apartment. My room mate called to tell me he found her in my bed with someone else.
One month later after putting her out of my life, I feel so bad I wish to die in Subway ‘accident’. I empty my pockets and begin to time the oncoming train to jump. A woman grabbed my belt and pulled me back just before…
She takes me to a bar and we talk.”If no one loves you, at least you love you! At 22 you are ready to die? For her??”
I am now 53 years old and that has never left me