Hate being a mom
Posted by Ann in Hate on Feb 21st, 2009 | 2,270 commentsI am depressed. I hate being a mom. I also hate being a stay at home mom too!
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I am depressed. I hate being a mom. I also hate being a stay at home mom too!
Sorry baby to think this way and being doomed with this feelings. The tears on my face right now show me how much I love you but how desperate I am for feeling and being this way.
postpartum depression. go visit the doctor.
The idea of being a mother makes me shudder. I know I’ll be a good mother; want the best for my child; do what’s right; etc, but I’m just no emotionally equiped to do this right now. My heart goes out to you. Maternal love takes time. Maybe post-natal depression? Maybe tell your doctor? A lot of women feel this way: your doctor won’t judge you. But you will get the help you need.
I was on my knees today, picking food up from the ground that my one year old had dropped from his lunch, and I realized that this is what my life has been reduced to. I am no longer me. I am the butler, the maid, the cook, the one who changes diapers, the one who keeps the house stocked with supplies, the one who hates her life. My husband is already tired of me crying over it. He done hearing the same whining over and over, and while he would never say it, I know he’s thinking, ‘get over it’. While I was realizing what having kids has brought me too I started bawling and begging God to kill me. Kill me before my kids realize how much their mom hates being a mom, before my husband realizes he can find a better person, before I do it myself. I love my kids, but I HATE ME! I HATE looking at myself in the mirror, I hate getting dressed, I hate putting on makeup, I hate ME!!!! Why does being a mom put you in this position, and why when you try and express you need help from people, they don’t LISTEN!!!!! My kids deserve someone better than me. How do you make it all turn around?
Molly,
I sympathize with you and your feelings. I am a divorced mother of five kids, who feels very similar to you almost everyday. The only thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel and completely, walking away from my responsibilities…. is God. My faith in God and the fact that I refuse to be considered as a failure are my source of motivation that keep me going. My kids are ages 15 yrs, 12 yrs, 11, yrs, 8 yrs and 5 yrs old. Due to the fact that they look up to me and need me….I try to only focus on the positive things about being a mom. I am always happy when I go to conferences at their school and hear about how well manner they are and how they are doing good in school. When my kids get special awards at school and make me extremely proud….I realize that all my life sacrifices are actually paying off.
My oldest will graduate from high school in two years….although I am excited about finally getting one child grown…I am going to miss him being my baby. My oldest son has been a true blessing so far, he helps me out a lot around the house and with his siblings…and he is a good student that doesn’t get into any trouble.
I still feel stressed despite all the nice perks to being a mom, because I no longer have a real life of my own…but with anything in life you have to look on the bright side of things in order to really gain positive energy.
Keep your head up and know that in time your little one will grow up and things will become easier for you. A word of advice don’t have any more than two kids. I over did it in the multiple the earth part …(lol) and that is part of the reason why I very so overwhelmed, trying to be a super mom to five children as a single parent.
Best Wishes!
Molly,
I sympathize with you and your feelings. I am a divorced mother of five kids, who feels very similar to you almost everyday. The only thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel and completely, walking away from my responsibilities…. is God. My faith in God and the fact that I refuse to be considered as a failure are my source of motivation that keep me going. My kids are ages 15 yrs, 12 yrs, 11, yrs, 8 yrs and 5 yrs old. Due to the fact that they look up to me and need me….I try to only focus on the positive things about being a mom. I am always happy when I go to conferences at their school and hear about how well manner they are and how they are doing good in school. When my kids get special awards at school and make me extremely proud….I realize that all my life sacrifices are actually paying off.
My oldest will graduate from high school in two years….although I am excited about finally getting one child grown…I am going to miss him being my baby. My oldest son has been a true blessing so far, he helps me out a lot around the house and with his siblings…and he is a good student that doesn’t get into any trouble.
I still feel stressed despite all the nice perks to being a mom, because I no longer have a real life of my own…but with anything in life you have to look on the bright side of things in order to really gain positive energy.
Keep your head up and know that in time your little one will grow up and things will become easier for you. A word of advice don’t have any more than two kids. I over did it in the multiple the earth part …(lol) and that is part of the reason why I feel so overwhelmed, trying to be a super mom to five children as a single parent.
Best Wishes!
A word of advice don’t have any more than two kids.
———
Totally agree. Unless you have the financial means for help or family can assist.
I am a stay at home mother of three children. I am very proactive to their academics and overall health. My greatest wish is that they are healthy, spiritual and always do some charity for the world.
But I am not happy. I hate making all the decisions all the time and being in constant crisis management. My husband travels a lot and I am alone to handle all. He is a great father but I do not know if it is enough for me. I have been in diapers for 12 years. I quit a big career to raise a family and to be support for my husband’s career. I loved being a mom with my first two. When my second child was off to full time school, I was ready to be out in the world but I got pregnant. We planned the other two kids to the day. I feel some higher power wanted me to have a third. My boy is very charming but this is so hard.
I try to be involved and look at the positives but it is only a distraction. I do not want to be with the children unless I am feeding, running to them to sports or music classes or helping them with homework. I truly believed if I worked hard, I would be happy. But I am irritated a lot inside and rather pursue my interests without the family.
I feel the same way as you. I feel so stuck and trapped. Being a mom has made me really feel resentful towards my kids, my husband, and like I missed all the opportunities I was supposed to have in life. I am trying to be grateful but I feel like its just a fake way of pretending that I like being a stay at home mom when I really dont.
One good book that has kind of helped me is the MomsTown Guide to Staying at Home – a Makeover for Stay at Home Moms
But still, I know how you all feel
I completely understand, there are some days where alls I want to do is just lay in bed and cry. Every night I go to bed and realize that the next day is going to be just like the horrible one I had. I was excited about being mom at first but as the months went on it just seemed to get harder. We have a 6 month old and im pregnant with our second child already and im exausted, and my husband has dumped everything on me to do and I mean EVERYTHING! He thinks that just because I stay at home with our son that im on some sort of vacation. No matter how many times I try to tell him its no where near what he thinks he just brushes me off. There are times when I have to leave the room and just tell myself to breathe because my son isnt exactly an easy baby. I like you have cried and cried to my husband and he just looks at me like please stop your driving me crazy. I just want him to open his eyes and see how exausted and overwhelmed I am.
Shannon,
Whatever you do…don’t have anymore kids. I have five and had a less than considerate husband. The more kids that he pumps you up with the more your misery will increase….then he will start looking for a woman that is younger and more attractive to him.
If he doesn’t care and is not helpful now…he never will be. Two kids is more than enough….if you add anymore you are going to regret it. If possible try to go to counseling so you can have a way to vent and help to deal with your current level of stress, that has always worked for me, and this is also confidential, so you don’t have to worry about any and everyone know all of your inner most feelings.
Best wishes ….and remember two kids is more than enough! I thank God for tubligation, it helped me gain a sense of control when I would lose control in the heat of the moment. Husbands love good sex….but hate dealing with pregnant complaining wives and dirty diapers!
I read your post and it could have been something I had written. I’m miserable. Life used to be fun. Drinks after work with my husband….a last minute vacation… a peaceful Saturday… Life used to be easy. All of that now is GONE. I now cry regularly and this upsets my husband. He tries his best to cheer me up and helps out a lot but something inadvertly happens and I am harshly reminded that I am a mommy. My son is a very lovable boy and is just your typical kid but I cant help feel regret in having him. I miss my former life desperately. How did women in generations past do this???
Molly, here’s a story that helps me when the despair sets in:
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way
one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to
Be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’
Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping
the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see
Me at all. I’m invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of
hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock
to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is The Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes
that studied history and the mind that graduated summa *** laude -but now,
They had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s
going, she’s going, she’s gone!?
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a
friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip,
And she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there,
looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to
compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when
Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I Brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t
Exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription:
‘To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building
when no one sees.’
In the days ahead I would read – no, devour – the book. And I would discover
what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could
pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no
record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they
would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the Cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you
spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by
The roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, ‘Because God
sees.’
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall intoplace. It was almost
as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you, Charlotte. I see the
Sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve
Baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a
great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become. At times,
my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is Erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness.
It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of
the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work
on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went
so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime
because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the
Morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3
hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a
shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home.
And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, ‘You’re gonna
love it there.’
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re
doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel,
not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the
world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
I love it!!!! Your words are a true inspiration to me. I have always felt that my hard work, time and effort went unnoticed, as a mother. Your response to this website, has helped me put everthing into proper perspective.
May God Bless You!!!!
I have tears streaming down my face as I am reading your words. I have a different persepective now I have been in such mourning for my old life and my “invisible” new life.
thanks. i needed that.
Thank you
Thank you Charlotte, and Thank you Janice. You may never realise just how much you helped me with those words.
Thanks so much. I feel defeated at times being a stay at home mom and I make my husband feel guilty for having to leave for work all the time. I know he is just working hard to provide for us. He really is a great husband and father. But sometimes my kids just drive me nuts and right now we are down to one vehicle and my husband has to take it to work so i can’t even get to town if i have too. I just want to die sometimes or call child services and hand over my children for being such a bad mom. How come no one told me it would be this hard. I’m still young only 24 and currently have no life. But your story really moved me and I’m def. gonna try to work harder at being okay. So thank you for your story.
Thank you so much for that. I desperately googled “can’t stand being a mom” for something, anything that would help me and came to this site and this story. I love my boy so much but it’s so hard to feel like you are losing yourself. God is trying to tell me something through this story and I will try to never forget it!
Yes, thanks so much!
I really liked your story and writing style. May I use part of it to write a song? Seriously! I think some of this would make a great song. I write music. :)
I totally agree with you as I am going through the exact same thing. I wait until my 5 month old daughter is napping and then I melt into a heap on the floor and cry and cry. I hate being a mom although I love my daughter. I have always worked and had a career I loved and now staying home 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and I feel like I am waiting to get paroled. I feel as though I am invisible and I have been sucked into a vortex and lost myself. I don’t feel good about myself and if my daughter didn’t need me to get out of bed I’d probably stay there. My hubby has been supportive but I am afraid if I don’t get myself out of this funk I’m in that he is going to get annoyed. I agree with you that no one really listens. It’s because women lie, they lie to each other about how wonderful motherhood is because they think it’s not pc to admit the truth. It is a thankless, life sucking, emotionlly draining experience. I wish I could pause my life sometimes and just go back to my old life for a few days and then come back to my life. It was refreshing to finally read that someone out there is feeling the same way. I hope things get better for both of us.
I relate more to you. The best decision my hubby and I made was not to have more after our second. I have been home for 5 yrs now and there are days I want to find the nearest cliff. Women started going back to work for a reason. I know I’m doing the right thing for my kid’s but I can’t help but wonder what is going to be left of me by the time I have a moment to myself again? I’m 33 but feel 43 most days. I long to bath eat sleep poop when I want to. My hubby is very caring and supportive and we fight to keep it us against the world. I’m also brutally honest and he knows that in the end if I’m misserable then he and I suffer. There’s day’s I want to run away with him and pretend it was just a dream…I can still get my period right?.. He keeps me sane b/c he knows how hard it is for me. He has worked nights the entire time we’ve been together. Try keeping kids somewhat quiet in the day.And I hate to burst peoples bubbles but it doesn’t get easier, but it changes like anything else. Thank god b/c I could not survive another toddler! I look forward to 3 yrs from now when I can return to the land of the adults. also the internet has saved my sanity. Oh, good coping skill is music. Lots of music. Thank god my hubby is a deejay so I have an endless supply. When the kids go to bed I turn on my fave tunes and dance my ass off around my livingroom. ipods are a great tool too.
I am so glad I googled “i hate being a SAHM” and found this site. I really liked reading what you said about being LIED to my whole life about being a mother. I hate it, and I feel like I was snookered, bamboozled, basically just tricked. You are right, it is very un-pc to say it’s a horrible way of life. I certainly thought so too before I had these twins! I hate it. Hate hate hate and wouldn’t wish twins on my worst enemy. YES I am in love with my gorgeous healthy cute boys but I am so bitter that all the stories how hard motherhood is but were ALWAYS followed up with sweet smiles or the famous “but I wouldn’t have it any other way”. Bullshit. Can’t finish this post, one of my 1-year-olds is crying have to go. Story of my life, can never finish ANYTHING or do it well anymore.
I so understand your pain…I have four kids…14,12,3 and 10 months..my older two are from my first marriage. I worked for many years and now i feel lonely, frustrated and like my life consists of cleaning, laundry, cooking, homework, and of course watching my children. somedays I just want to escape and wonder when will it be about me and not about everyone else. my husband and I always disagree and when I try to tell him how I am feeling then it becomes a competition. He will say “my job isn’t easy” he would rather stay at home. In someways I should be thankful and realize that not everyone can stay home but on the other hand its a thank less job…
As much as it pains me to say it, I suspect your feelings are alot more common to new moms than people let on. Motherhood is hard; being a stay at home mom is harder. I know from experience with not one, but two toddlers. I’ve probably thought everything you’ve thought, complete with secretly un-sympathetic husband. The key here is thought, not acted upon, those feelings. As I’m sure you’ve figured out, the show doesn’t run without you, so you’ve got to be the strong foundation on which your family rests. Take the moments, however brief, to see the beauty in your child’s innocence and know that no matter how badly you think you messed up that day, you are still a heroine in their eyes.
I know what you are saying. And when you ask for help, nobody does it. They give you advice and that’s it. I have 2 kids, 5 and 3. I did not originally plan to stay home full time. I was going to go back to work a year after my first was born. My mom ended up in a depressive state and needless to say I stayed home.I do like being at home and knowing my kids are looked after. I never wanted them to be a part of the daycare system. But I hate that I have had to give up everything just to be a mom. I love myself and want time to myself and never get it. Family is not much help and Husbands aren’t either. I wouldn’t trade them but wonder sometimes if I’m doing harm to myself by forcing myself to do this 24/7. I feel like i’m told what to do and when to do it all the time. I feel others judge you when you want more or change. I want others to know that it’s okay to feel how you do. There’s a reason women went to work people. I’m bored and want to get back to having things that are just mine. I could use a little personal space from time to time and won’t get it for another 3 years when my little one is in school fulltime. It is the hardest job on the planet to which my husband says he’d never stay home fulltime with them. Has nothing to do with love. It has to do with how much mental strain and constant stimulation one can stand and I can’t stand much more myself!
i know how you feel.. im alone. suck in the house and trying to get ahead… if i get any downtime its to do my homework.. i hate it.. i hate the constant crying.. i hate my body, my hair, my boobs, my stretch marks.. most of all i hate me. i hate that i am the way i am.. i want to change and be happy i really do.. but im just out of it now. My boyfriend deserves better then me.. he is so sweet and loving while im a horriblw person that always feels bad for herself.. i should be happy. I have a perfect baby.. yes she is difficult. but she is healthy and perfect but why does she have to have me as a mother. im a horrible witch. I think she deserves better then me.. so does my boyfriend.. i want to run away far but i cant… i just hope my 6m baby loves me… i feel like she hates me.. i want her to love me. i want her to know i love her.. im just lost and unhappy with myself and not her. she is perfect.. i love her.. but its me i cant deal with..
true confessions,
Sunshine
I don’t understand any of you, I love being a mom, it saddens my heart that anyone could not love their kids enough to be unselfish when giving them that love. At least I know my kids will have a great life and never will have to doubt my love for them. By the way I’m a single mom, I work full time, and I go to school full time. You mom’s who actually get to spend all the time in the world with your kids need to stop being selfish bitches!! I wish I could!
Oh SHUT UP! It’s not about NOT loving your kids. It’s about wanting some free time and the space to explore your personal passions. Since when did motherhood become some automatic state of selling out your self, dreams and identity? Get over yourself and your bitterness and get out of this conversation–Bitch ;)
Amen.
Since, of your own volition, you have admitted that you don’t understand any of us, it might have been wiser not to have commented at all. Don’t criticise what you don’t understand. I am so pleased that you love being a mother, I really am. But not everyone is like you, and that doesn’t make us selfish bitches. I have been a working mother, and a stay-at-home mother and in my opinion staying at home to raise your children is harder. Much harder. It’s websites like this that are keeping us from falling over the edge. So like I said – don’t criticise what you don’t understand. And please leave the name-calling for the playground.
I don’t think you understand… we love our children its just hard.. and I’m sorry you are so quick to judge and can not understand our feelings. This is a site where we can vent about our feeling to others and feel somewhat normal… also, sometime or another everyone feels like they want to give up parenting.. its hard… so don’t act like you are better then us.. because you are not. everyone is struggling in someway or another.
Anonymous,
Selfish Bitches? These are just posts of mothers who are having a really hard time dealing with motherhood. You may love being a mother but there are some mothers who are having a difficult time with all the life changes that come with it. You don’t know how motherhood will be for you until you become a mother. I had no idea how hard it would be until I had my own. I have four kids under 6 years old! And it is extremely difficult for me. I can’t handle being alone with with all the pressure they put on me everyday. I also deal with anxiety and chronic depression that makes being a mother more difficult. I am just saying to not judge these mothers. Everyone deals with things differently and also may have other challenges that might make being a mother a lot harder. I am sure none of these mothers want to feel this way, but they just do,
Exactly…YOU WORK FULL-TIME. YOU ARE NOT WITH YOUR KIDS ALL DAY LONG. HELLLOOOO????? DID YOU NOT READ THE OTHER POSTS???? LEARN HOW TO READ. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?? YOU’RE THE TYPICAL “I’M SO GREAT B/C I WORK FULL-TIME AND I’M A MOM” ASSWIPE THAT THE REST OF US DON’T REALLY CARE ABOUT. SO GET OVER YOURSELF LADY. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT STRESS IS.
You are never with your children,you work full time and go to school full time …You never see them, no wonder you love being a mom !!!
My question is how did you find this website if you love being a mom? I googled “I hate being a stay at home mom” and saw this site.
Also, I know you mean well. But it is exactly statements like yours that make moms who feel the way we do feel worse about ourselves. Maybe we can be selfish at times. Maybe being a single mom, working and going to school is selfish. I don’t think so. I think you are doing the best you can to better yourself and put yourself in a higher financial bracket for your children. We are doing what we thought best as well.
I have been thinking and learning a lot about compassion and mercy lately. I think everyone needs to learn how to give and how to accept compassion more. I know I do.
I encourage all to read a book called “True Faced”. I would tell you the author but my 6 month old is sleeping next to me and if I move he will wake up and then that will wake up my 2 year old. And since my husband has been out of town this weekend at a men’s retreat and my 2 year has been sick, I really want this quiet time.
Thank you
You’re the reason mothers keep their feelings to themselves. It takes a lot of guts for these moms to admit that they’re not happy. I’ve seen so many moms put on that fake smile while droning on about how much they love their kids and their lives. It’s not about not loving your kids! It’s about being honest and having someone understand and have compassion. The last thing these moms need is for someone to tell them to suck it up and realize how lucky they are. Blah, Blah, Blah. Moms need to say the raw truth. It does feel like a prison sentence, the exhaustion is overwhelming, sometimes you feel like running away. I know – when my kids were small I would express my feelings and other moms would look at me in horror. Pissed me off.
I’ve Been a stay at home mom for 4 years now. I have two boys and there are some days when I wish I worked full time somewhere. But you know what I’ve realized? Everyone has a bad day, wherever you work! And if you truly love your children, wouldn’t you rather have a bad day every now and then at home, making a difference for your kid than at work because in all reality working mothers have 2 jobs. once youre done at work, you have to come home and work. You just need a hobby. Scrapbooking, tennis, painting classes, wine club…something that let’s you express you, not “mommy” you. Hang in there. You’re not just raising a child, you’re raising a functioning, member of society. Good luck and God bless.
Ps- also remember that whatever you do, do what YOU think is right because that’s all that matters!
that is very uplifting.. thankyou… everything you said is true. We all do need our own hobbies…
Pff, srry to say but a bit too much God in these replies. I am not here to tear down your faiths, but it is not like you can have God babysit for an hour while you take a nap. What works for me is planning, and a helpfull man (altho it took me a long time to convince him ^^). If he doesn’t believe your day is hard –> TAPE IT! And otherwise there are enuf studies and articles to be found on the internet where they show that caring for a family is about as tough as a 80 hour working week. Does your man have 2 fulltime jobs? If not, he can also pick up some of the slack, and if some of your kids are older, they can and shuld help in the household, if only with small tasks. They might cry, beg and whine at first, but if it gives em enuf profit in the end they will be sure to comply (you can do this by making all non essential treats bound to tasks in the house, or implement a weekly allowance wich they can loose if they don;t do their tasks).
Ha! THANK YOU! A “real” person! Not sure about this God-pass out of sanity..imo, many of the “God-martyrs” are WACKED!
I have a personal relationship with God, but i am well aware he is not my kid’s babysitter. I also have fantastic husband who comes home from a 10-12 hr. day and immediately takes over. I am a planner as well and I am widely known for it in my family and my friends.My oldest is 3 and I already have her starting her own chores. Of course its nothing more than picking up her toys, putting away her dirty clothes and helping set the table. So I have all these things then why do i still feel so helpless at times being a mom. So what more can i do Suzy q.
My daughter screams everytime my husband leaves the house and screams for hours on end. I only get two days a week with her because I work 4 part-time jobs to make ends meet, she screams those two days. One day I accidentally sat on the phone and it redialed – his cell. He listened to her scream and me beg and cry with her for 30 mins. I think that is when my husband realized how bad it was for me. I know he works hard, too. The hardest working husband I know, but he has been so supportive since he heard that call. Sometimes I think that God dialed that number for me. He now takes care of all the laundry and packing her daily diaper bag.
The same thing happends with my daughter.. and no1 beleives me. Everyone says, “oh you have such a calm baby” or “wow she is so good” then when they walk away or my boyfriend leaves and im alone with her she screems. I’m not sure why. I do everything to make her happy. Can she feel my stress? Does she know im unhappy? I wonder… i breastfed her for about 5 months.. it took alot of determination.. i do what is best for my baby.. but why does it feel like i dont do enough.. why does she leave why her father leaves.. and doesnt notice when i leave?
Sunshine.
I too HATE being a mother. I love my children to pieces but I despise being a mother. I too wish to have a life and an identity of my own! I had one child when I met my husband. Motherhood was hard but enjoyable for the most part. Then I got pregnant with our daughter. On top of it all we gained full custody of his two children from a previous marriage because their mother abused them. I am mother to four children now all ages 5 and under! I cant afford childcare to even go back to work and escape if I want to. I have no choice but to stay at home and further my education so that one day I can afford the childcare to get out of this house. I crave adult relationships. I have told my husband. I HATE being a mother. I HATE my life right now. I love my children and I have the responsibility of caring for them. I made my bed so I have to lie in it. The day my last turns 18 will be a joyous one. My husband thinks I am horrible because I dont recognize the age of a child on their birthday but how many more years I have left until they can leave. Some of us arent made out to be mothers. We love children..especially our..but we dont find pure joy in it I guess. I will defiantly have in depth conversation with my daughters about my feelings as a mother before they have children of their own so they know just how much of their lives will be lost due to becoming a mother. making that sacrifice is a huge decision.
I too will be having that conversation with both my son and my daughter. Someone needs to inform them that its not all cinderella stories or “happily ever after”. It’s hard enough trying to navigate this life for yourself, then add the responsibility of someone else and it can be almost too much to handle at times. I think losing my identity as a person is the hardest thing to cope with. Instead of being a person, most days I just feel like a bottle, a bib, and a jungle gym.
Nobody is made to be a parent 24/7 b/c nobody is perfect
I think it is kind of funny.. that we say we all hate being mothers.. when i think about it…. it’s not being a mother we hate.. its that we dont get as much freetime and respect we deserve. but i guess.. that is what happends when some of us choose to become mothers.. we start to loose ourselves because we are too occupied caring for everyone around us.. but ourselves.
Finally, women who don’t fake the funk. I too LOVE my 3 kids but am sooo overwhelmed as a stay home Mom. I absolutely hate this! My youngest (my first son) screams and cries ALL day and I just cant take it anymore. Who takes care of Moms when we are sick? Who holds our hair back when we are throwing up? I feel like such a failure as a Mother and a wife . . . I’ve been a mother since I was 17 years old. I’ve never been “just me” and I’m so resentful some times and I feel so bad because I truly love my babies. Ugh, I’m so lost . . .
You’re not lost hunny, you are just being honest and have every right to be. It’s sometimes the worst job ever. Hours are always. No time off no vacations. And the pay is the shits!
Oh thank goodness! I am not alone.
I was just sitting here thinking, “I hate being his mom!” I know he is this way because of me and it makes me feel so bad. I am a failure of a mother. I just want to leave. I have 2 kids and one on the way. My oldest is just awful! Maybe it’s normal for a kid his age or maybe not but OMG! He’s still in diapers, we have been trying to potty train him since he turned 1, he’ll be 4 in July. We’ve tried EVERYTHING and have gotten no where. I also have an 18 month old who has his days but is such a wonderful little guy. And now I’m pregnant with our third. I am so stressed, I’m depressed and just hate who I’ve become.
I always wanted to be wife and mother and now that I got it, I feel like I made the wrong choice. If I would have had a preview of this life I don’t think I would have taken that first step…
I ws surfing when I found this site and it was great reading the comments. I realized that I am not alone. THANKS I just turned 40. If I had known my life would be like this at 40 I would have ended it a long time ago. We have with three kids age 3 and under. I left my high power job due to some intenal problems. i thought it be a good time to seized the opportunity to temporarily to spend time with the kiddos. It has been 6 months. I feel its long enough. My spouse’s suppot is showing up twice a week after 11p and sometime arnd 8p the remainder of the days of the week. His help is conplaining abt me not doing anything (we have 9 month old twis who are stll breastfeeding y toddler) Oh all the cleanning,cooking laundry inc, folding etc are done daily. I am suppose to have sometime for myself but all i want to do is sleep when I get that 1-3 hrs /wk. There is no designated family day. The only family activities consist of a religious or sports activities. Neither of these activities interest me. I find myself beginning to understand why some mothers would just leave everything. They needed their own voice.
thanks for letting me vent….gotta go back to the dungeon
I too have found myself saying “how could any mother just abandon their family”…. I understand now.
Somedays I just fantasize about giving it all up and leaving, but then my daughter smiles or laughs at me and I suppose I’m a glutton for punishment. ;)
I love all of you for being so honest.
I love all of you for collectively “hating” the thing that I “hate.”
It kind of brings some humor to the whole thing, doesn’t it?? Hearing all these voices echo the same tune??
Thank you all for helping me to feel normal and not alone!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is how women generations before us did it — they had women close to them that echoed their same feelings and helped them feel a sense that someone understood. Husbands will NEVER get it as far as I’m concerned — its other women that will be your lifesaver.
its normal for a boy to not be pottytrained yet. they are slow. the more pressure you put on him, the slower the go. pick your battles.. you will NOT win this one. seriously.
One thing I’ve learned: if any of us could know what it was going to like beforehand, NOBODY would have them or we’d all have just one!
I was doing some online “research”, wondering if there were others who felt as I do. I too feel invisible. Most days I just cry. I try to tell my husband how I feel, but we just end up fighting about it. I feel like a horrible mother somedays, because I go through the motions, I do what has to be done and I find it hard to enjoy most of it. Sure I love my kids…but I regret having them somedays. I wish, instead of everyone telling me what a blessing it is, that someone would have had the balls to tell me the truth. I don’t feel like I’m me anymore and my identity has been ripped away only to be thrown away right along with all the dirty diapers.
i am so glad I found this site with all of you other straight-shooters. i’m so miserable. i can’t believe how easily i use the word ‘hate’ with regard to my life now. And yep, i wish someone had had the balls to tell me the truth about being a mom. it would have made a tremendous amount of difference, I would have listened. now I find myself staring quizzically at my friends and relatives who have been mothers for a while, trying to figure out if they are so wacked that they actually enjoy this motherhood thing and that’s why they continue to encourage it, or if they are just brainwashed like the rest of the world. i mean i seriously stare at people that I’ve known my whole life, looking at their faces, trying to see if they will crack and tell me that they regret having 4,5, even six kids. I know I’m not crazy now. And I’m not going to perpetuate this ridiculousness. I will speak to my twin sons when i’m older about how parenthood ends your life as you know it and I totally support them if they don’t want to have kids or if they only want to have one child. there is a lady across the street who introduced herself to me as having ‘only’ one child who’s grown, but she has “lots of friends and interests to keep her busy”. My jaw dropped and I wanted to say, are you f-ing kidding me? WHY are you basically apologizing for having one kid? I am totally envious of your life, with all of that freedom and your child grown and gone. can you imagine???????
Trapped…I loved your post. I too look at other moms and think WTF is wrong with you???? I look at my sis-in-law who desperately wants a third child and I think “Are you kidding me???” I guess some people are just meant to be SAHM’s, and others and meant to be Mom’s, just not the ones who stay home! I have 2 kids (3 and 1) and on a DAILY basis I cry, cry, cry. Thankfully I work part-time in the afternoon and evenings, and although I am exahusted at those hours, it makes me feel good to actually use my brain and talents and interact with adults. And it also makes me feel good to earn my own $$. I have a husband who works very hard to provide for his family, and thankfully, he stays with the kids when I go to work. He is FULLY aware of how hard this is. We all need to stick together and vent vent vent!!! A little bitching and moaning is always good for the soul!! Excuse me…have to go now…3 yr old is beating up the 1 yr old… ;)
I am so happy to have found this website. I am very miserable being a mom, the thoughts consume me everyday. I am 27 with a 4 year old, career driven, degree in business from an elite. university oh and I’m also a divorced single mom. I was married at 23 and divorced almost 3 yrs later. I hate being a mom, like most of you I do love my daughter but I don’t think I’m cut out for this whole mommy thing. Her dad is still very much involved in her life as we do have joint custody. I get to have a whole week off and I realize I am lucky to have that time off I’m at my happiest when she’s with her dad but when she comes home my mood is back down. I do the things I do to take care of her but not bc I “love it” or bc she brings “so much joy and happiness” it bc I just have to. Each week she spends with me is just a countdown to that friday when she goes with her dad and I’m praying I make it that long. I want my old life back, I’m tired of anytime I want to do something it has to based all around her and if its the weekend I have her. I just want to take off and not have to worry about it. The thing is she’s not a bad kid! She’s very well behaved and obedient, smart, funny, very talkative (too much really) so its not like its personal against her I just feel so held down and left behind. I’m so jealous of fun young girls my age who have no kids and they can just live such a carefree life. I have to think about daycare expenses before I spend a dime on anything. Her father is really great with her and has offered for her to live with him and I blow it off bc I’m worried what other people will think of me but I know it will be the best thing for her. Her homelife there is much friendlier bc her father is engaged to a girl who has a son same age as her and he’s all she talks about when she comes home. My home isn’t really kid friendly and I know she would rather be there with her father. I don’t do the playdates, trips to the zoo or chuckie cheese’s, playdoh etc. She gets to do all those things with her father and soon to be step-brother. I am very regretful of having a kid and if I could go back in time…I recently had an IUD placed to make sure I never get sperminated again as I am happily dating a wonderful man at the moment who never wants kids! (Thank God) I still want to be very much involved in her life, schooling decisions, doctors appts, graduations everything I just can’t handle it on the level I am now. I don’t want to abandon her, my emotions are so mixed about this. I realize that this isn’t for me and I will never find happiness with this whole mom thing. should I let my daughter live with her father full-time?
Miserable Mom,
No, I do not think you need to let your daughter live with her father. It is great that her father has a new mate that makes it really fun and exciting for your daughter. I know all children love to play and interact with other kids, and be with people who make being a family enjoyable.
I truly believe that you need to do the same thing that your ex-husband has done…find a mate that loves children and will be a family man. Your current boyfriend does not have the family man mentality, so he is making you lose your desire to want to be a mom.
If you had a man that was a family man type and wanted to do family type things, it would make your life as a mother more enjoyable. Your boyfriend is telling you he never wants kids and he doesn’t want to be bothered with yours either, whether you are listening or not.
I have five children and I am 35 and divorced. I understand your pain and I am not trying to judge you. I just want you to look at your situation from all angles, before you give up full custody of your daughter, I think if you give up full custody of your daughter, you will regret it in the long run.
Now with that being said, if you are neglectful or abusive to your daughter or if your boyfriend is, then by all means your daughter is surely better off with her father.
Overall, you are the only person that can truthfully answer the questions that I have possed, and ultimately it is your desicion on whether or not you will give up having full custody of your daughter.
All I am trying to convey to you, is not let your desire to have a man, be the main motivating factor that makes your give up custody of your daughter. Men and relationships will come and go, your daughter is your flesh and blood and will always be your daughter no matter what!!!!
perfectly said.
I know your daughter is young, but have you tried discussing it with her? Maybe try letting her take a 2 or 3 week trial run with her father. Then see how you both feel about that change and go from there.
Don’t feel bad, parenting isn’t for everyone and there is no way to know until its too late.
If it’s better for your daughter to live with her Dad and stepmom/bro F/T (sounds like it would be), don’t let anything stop you from doing it! You will likely enjoy her and be a better parent when you’re a weekend parent. You’re lucky that your ex is nice, and that he both wants her F/T and has an ideal situation too. Don’t be ashamed to do what’s bet for both of you.
Since you say your ex is understanding, why not let him know what’s going on and see if you can try it out temporarily. This way, you haven’t had to commit forever, but have made steps towards a solution. If you don’t want to tell him, you can still see if he’ll do it for say, 6 months. Then decide.
My sister loves her son, but tells me that if her ex didn’t have him so much, she would lose her mind! So, its not uncommon to feel this way.
Remember, being good to yourself is important to your daughters mental health, as well as your own- a happy, fulfilled Mommy will have kids with the same attributes! Nothing good comes of miserable sacrifice, esp when unnecessary!!!
It’s what you can bear. If being a mom makes you basically want to kill yourself or makes you miserable then choose life. If you are happy your kids will be happy. Why is it still okay for men to not be cut out for parenting but women are stuck with it wether it kills us or not?
im a single mom of two kids ages 9 and 7. i love them of course.. we all need to say that. i adore them. but… i feel like i am the most miserable person because of them. they drive me nuts with their fighting and arguing and complaining. its non stop. i work full time as well and when i get home i feel like i should be able to give them the best of me, since they are without me all day, but i just want to curl up on the couch and send them to bed. they wont sleep without me, and my son is a constant complainer.. this hurts, that hurts help help help. my neighbor actually came out to see if we were ok last nite cuz he was screaming “help mommy help mommy!!!” at the top of his lungs at the door. he was having trouble unlocking it to get in while i was in the car crying with the radio on because of the awful ride we took home. it just doesnt end. the mornings are even worse… the nagging, and the not listening. its nonstop. their dad lives thousands of miles away, and calls to cry that he misses them, but when he visits they drive him nuts and he has no patience.. then i defend them and the cycle continues. i want to pop a pill and just get through the next 12 years without verbally abusing them. i tell my mom once in awhile that i cant take it and she just tells me that i HAVE To take it. they are mine and i have to suck it up. i get it. she gets it. it just really sucks.
I am about to be a mom in 6 months and I am scared that it means stepping into the image of “Mom” and totally giving up my own identity. I used to look at women with three kids all straggling onto a stroller looking like she might explode any second and wonder, how does that happen? Now I know. One day you visit the hospital for bronchitis and you find out you have caught something much more serious. You have a baby on the way. I want to be a good mom, and I keep telling myself I will be since I get along very well with the kids I work with k-4 in an elementary school but it’s getting to that point when they can go to school at 4 years old that has me terrified. I’m an only child. I can count the newborns I’ve held on one hand. The fact that I care this much about how I fare at being a parent should tell me I’ll give it 100% and that’s all I can do. I just am plagued with feelings of why do I not want to look like a typical mom? I want to continue to be ME, despite the fact that I will be MOM to someone else.
word of advice. It’s easier having one child than 3 or 4. It you have grandparents, great….having family around to watch the him/her for the day or a weekend will allow you enough time to regroup, and have “me” time. If you love motherhood, then god bless, have 8 more. lol Good luck. BTW, not all days are bad….and yet some more than others. Don’t be ashamed to not feel matronly 24/7. You are only human. Find outlets and time to breath, you’re gonna need it.
have you considered adoption?
Sunshine.
I can totally emphasize with all of you. I have been a single mom since I was 3 months pregnant and delivered my beauty when I was 20 years old. I worked my ass off to save up enough to be able to stay home with her for a few months. I still have enough to take more time off, but I want to go back to school (I currently take all online classes) and work SO BAD. I love her so much, being home with her, alone…24/7 is just getting to me. I get so annoyed. She’s a great kid, but I am so BORED (who you knew you could be so bored and so busy all at once?)! I watch my friends go out and be 21 all the time, and it’s not even that I feel I am missing out because I would honestly rather be home anyway; it’s just so mundane. It’s very hard doing this alone. I want to miss her and look forward to seeing her each day, not wake up and think, “Oh great…this again.”
I absolutely despise being a mother somedays and having this never ending never tiring responsibility to clean, do laundry, cook, change diapers, clean and do some more laundry, etc, etc, etc… I get sinus infections only while I’m at home and can’t even breathe being with 4 kids ALL DAY LONG. I honestly think it’s because I’m allergic to motherhood, lol. I had told my husband (who originally wanted 9 kids) before we got married that I wasn’t cut out for motherhood and being a mom and he admitted very recently that he just didn’t take it seriously.
He just said out of the blue a few months ago… “Wow, ya know, you were really telling me the truth 5 years ago when you told me you didn’t want kids, hugh?” At least you told me the truth!”
Well, we’ve now been married for 5 years and our relationship sucks as well. My husband is a wonderful friend, but that’s just it…. we’re FRIENDS!! I am SO depressed and sexually repressed. We never have sex because he hates it, we have never had any romance because he just doesn’t effin get it. He has never romatically kissed me (he was a virgin before we got married and wanted to wait to quote ” express all his deep passion with his wife” YEAH EFFIN RIGHT!!!) Whatta LIE!
I feel like I did this for him and that I have received nothing in return except “a great friend,” which marriage is supposed to be so much more than that.
I love my kids and they are fantastic well-behaved children overall, but I loathe being a mother, I loathe being “stuck” at this house! I loathe the fact I also have to wait tables on the weekends because my husband can’t and never could pay the pills with his measly 30K salaries. He’s always too afraid of asking for a raise or getting a better paying job. He hates exercising and is sick all the time because he’s such an unhealthy vegetarian.
I used to be a fitness buff and I traded it for this s$%@? I have no self esteem, I am angry all the time, I honestly sometimes feel like it would be better to die and then I could actually SLEEP IN PEACE!!! Then again, I want to live because I have so many goals, but we never have any money and now no time for me to go after anything. I haven’t had a vacation since our 4 day honeymoon 5 years ago and my husband likes to control everything, especially the groceries because he feels that we only need to spend 400 a month on eggs and beans (for a family of six) and EAT IT FOR THE ENTIRE MONTH!!!
AAAAAAAAH!!! Somethings gotta give!
AnonymousinColorado,
No disrespect, but do you think maybe, just maybe your husband maybe gay or bi-sexual? Think about it, he wants kids, but hates having sex with you….his WIFE! Your husband is either gay or he is having an affair with someone else and that is the reason why he doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Secondly, the overbearing and controlling behavior that your husband has been displaying, in addition to his lack of love and sexual attention, I would divorce him!!!! What is life, if a wife can’t get sex from her husband, but the wife can have be burdened with a army of kids that the husband wanted. Life is too short to keep living your life unhappy. If you were getting the love and sexual attention that you rightfully deserve from your husband, it would help you cope with the kids a heck of a lot better!
Amen! My hubby and I have been together for 13 yrs and have had kids for the past 5. I stay at home and f’ing hate it somedays. If it weren’t for him and I sneaking off like teens to the bathroom whenever you got 5 mins we’d both go crazy and neither of us would stay. Men always got time for sex especially when the women’s asking for it. wether he’s gay or straight isn’t even the issue really.Sounds like neither of you is into eachother anymore. if so be foreward, don’t be shy cuz in the end you tried. You deserve some peace of happiness.All us stay home moms do, even if it’s a piece of ass!
you people are all selfish and disgusting…your children deserve so much better than you! if you didn’t want to be a mother you should have never had children! Do you people have any idea how many women would give up a body part to be in shoes. To be able to have one or more children of their own! I may never be able to love and care for a child of my and you people are out here taking about how tied down and sad you feel….I’ll tell you about SAD, try 5 miscarriages one at 20 weeks!!!!!
Next time use protection or give your kids to someone who will give them the life they deserve …and yes “miserable mom” do the right thing and give her to her father, so she can have the she deserves. It doesn’t matter what other people think…how selfish are you? all that matters is that innocent little girl!
Disgusted,
Wow….sound like you are a really angry person. Perhaps all of that bottled up anger is the reason why YOU, have never been blessed with the opportunity to be a MOTHER!!!! God knows who to give children and who not too. You are way too emotionally unstable to be a mother and that is the reason why you haven’t become on thus far. Go and get yourself a gold fish and call it a day! You are not fit to have children, so learn to face that reality and move on with your life. IF you stopped being so bitter and maybe you wouldn’t be baren.
You want kids… good for you! WE DON’T!! That is how you feel, this is how we feel- get over it!!
And by the way, I never ever wanted kids and did use protection- IT FAILED! I don’t believe in abortion and I’m a married woman whos husband was horrified by the idea of putting our child up for adoption. I would leave but I’m not that selfish. I put up with it DAY AFTER DAY. I put on a happy face and change diapers, clean up drool, and listen to incessant crying all day long.
We have the right to voice our opinions and let out our emotions. Being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go thru. I’m happy to have a place where I can vent and NOT BE JUDGED! It’s better that we are hear letting out our emotions in cyberspace then keeping it all bottled in and being even more miserable. God forbid I snap one day and run away! I’m doing what’s best for my daughter by sticking it out and I’m doing what’s best for me by venting my emotions in a healthy way in the company of others who can sympathize!
Amen sister!!
I bet you wish you had had that abortion, huh?
Disgusted,
As an avid “protection” user, I have now had 2 children. Some of us I guess are a tad more fertile than others. I understand there are many woman who would go to great lengths to have children and can’t, and yet there are woman who truly don’t intend on having children yet do. This is a site that allows us to vent our most hidden feelings, and THAT is more courageous than spouting unfounded opinions of the women you are cutting down. Some days are harder than others. I do not love every day of being a mother, but I do LOVE my children regardless of how I feel and you can bet your ass I would set anyone straight who harmed even as much as a hair on their precious little heads. I understand you don’t like everything we have to say, nor would I ask you to agree, but I will ask you kindly to not put those down who find solace in this network of tired, stressed, and yes, even caring mothers. This is a reality of being human, and as a human, imperfect and flawed.
You said it! Hating the job does not mean hating the children. Love the children-hate the job, but we do the job we hate BECAUSE we love them.
Exactly.
Disgusted-
I’m sorry for your tradgedies, but you are being just being rude. These moms have posted one of theire darkest secrets,and a huge tabboo, because they are alone and overwhelmed. Kicking them while they are down is not helpful, so I will assume you are being vengeful.
Look,I don’t know any women that went into motherhood thinking anything less than “I will be the BEST Mom to my kid! Supermom, #1! I love them more than life!” They cannot help that it didn’t turn out that way. While there are a few lazy, selfish women popping out kids with no thought, this is NOT what I’m hearing here. These are women who WANTED to be the best, and who thought they would be able to do it.
The truth is that being a parent is HARD and not for everyone- but you don’t know this about yourself until after you’ve had kids. When you realize that you AREN’T going to be a good parent, or that you regret it all together, it is heart-breaking, and no one will support you, so its also isolating.
For some, having a family was their only goal in life, and they were as crushed and ashamed when they hated it as you were when you couldn’t have a baby! Career women gave up their lifes work because they cared for their kids THAT MUCH- this isn’t selfish at all! The fact that these women love their kids makes it all the harder to admit they hate the parenting part.
Again, I’m sorry you are having trouble carrying a baby to term. I was adopted because my parents were infertile, and they too get sick when they hear how some people have kids so easily, but regret it. They waited so long, and suffered so much, it is hard for them to hear such things.
Just remember, these kids weren’t unwanted, and they are not unloved- they just have moms that can’t stand all the drudgery that goes with parenting F/T. And anyone that thinks laundry, dishes, carpooling and diapers is fun is either a saint or insane…..
Staceyjw
Staceyjw, that was so perfectly put. Thank you.
Easy to say until you are in our shoes 24/7. Poop up to your elbows, dinner burning one kid is crying the phone is ringing the dryer going your husbands asking where his clothes are..Then you find yourself asking thesame question we all do.. did I make the right choice. Grass ain’t greener on either side. Don’t judge anyone especially here. why are you surfing this page if you clearly are a saint and perfect?
i had a miscarriage too. don’t give up. talk to your doc. are you married? if you are, just keep having sex…so you can get pregnant. don’t give up.
5 miscarriages is an awful thing for any woman to go through. Noone who hasn’t experienced what you’ve been through can possibly understand your pain. But please accept that you cannot possibly understand ours. I sincerely hope that the future brings you all you desire, and maybe when you have children of your own and you experience a little of what we are going through, you will find it in your heart to apologise for your hurtful words.
Dear Disgusted
I have a friend who, some years ago, lost both her legs in a dreadful accident. I suffer from Rheumatoid Arthritis in my knees and am in a lot of pain most of the time. Obviously my friend would dearly love to have legs, but do you imagine that she thinks I am “selfish and disgusting” because, although I have legs, I may occasionally complain about the pain in them? No! But that is exactly what you have just done. You need to recognise that your pain is not the only pain. You are the one being selfish. Your comments appal me! You have absolutely no idea, not the slightest clue, about the pain these women are going through – how DARE you call them selfish and disgusting.
I am so happy to have found this page. I have 2 boys,( ages 3 and 7)work full time as a nurse. and my husband works out of town and is only home on Sundays.We don’t have family and I have no friends to speak of other than co workers and I work an hour from my home.I work 4 10 hr shifts with a 2 hr drive . I don’t get home until 9 pm and my kids have to have dinner and baths. I am lucky to collapse into bed at 11. Then I get up at 5:30 am.I am overwhelmed and exhausted. I live for the ride in my car to and from work because it is the only time I feel peace. My husband is not very supportive or affectionate.Our sex life is non existent. Maybe once a month and its al about him and lasts about 4 minutes. I feel so unatractive and lonely. He does no “dad” things with his sons.He NEVER helps with anything even when he is home. He has never even washed a dish.He never has anything to say if I try to vent or if I cry over a bad day. So I am such a bitch to him most of the time because I have so much resentment towards him.My oldest son is extremely hyper and I get calls from his teacher about him at least twice a week.I feel like I am a failure as a mom and wife. I have never told anyone else that I feel this way because it makes me feel like a terrible person. I cry almost daily, I see no way out.I daydream about running away all the time.But I know I can’t.Thank you for this page.
You poor darling! That would be too much for anyone to cope with. You should leave this page open on the computer for your husband to see and read. I cry daily too, and I don’t have as much to cope with as you do. I wish I could help you, but I can bearly even help myself.
dear disgusted,
don’t give up.
I totally respect all of you for being so honest…I ran into this site because i wanted to know if it was normal to not want to have children. i feel like if i’d have children i’d feel exactly like u guys. i don’t want to get ahead of myself and just cut children out of my life but i really don’t want to…i think it sucks that we judge others because they’re childless . i think all of u guys are so brave to say what others can’t…i feel a lot of women out there feel the same as u but are ashamed to say anything.
Diana, if you don’t want them, just DON’T! Do not bow to the pressure to have children. You will only regret it if you do! The idea that even if you don’t like children “you will love your own” and that parenting comes naturally, these are myths not true at all! This world has enough children, anybody that has them should think it through thoroughly and make sure they really want them on all levels and are sure they’d make good parents. To do otherwise is just tragic for both you and the potential kids you could bring into this world!
And yes, its normal not to want to have kids! Unfortunately its one of the last taboos in our society. You don’t have to be a rabid childfree type to choose not to have them! As you can see here, plenty of people regret the decisions they made.
I have nothing but respect and admiration for all mothers. I do not have children because I know I would not be able to handle it. My younger sister has three good kids, ages 9, 17 and 19. I like spending ocassional time with them, but by the end of the day I am ready to go home.
The infamous “they” always seem to say “you will feel differently when you have your own.” I have never believed that for a minute. If that were true, there would be no abused or abandonned children. Their mothers didn’t “feel differently.” I have heard that motherhood is a joy. My sister has been a mom – a good one – for 19 years, and she constantly looks tired and fed up. She truly loves her kids and says that she would not trade them for the world. I believe it. But I never see this joy and happiness I have heard so much about. I know she is jealous of the fact that I can come and go as I please. I work full time, but can plan vacations when I like. I can wake up on Saturday morning and drive to Vegas if I like. I can sit and read all day or go get a massage if I feel like it. I don’t want to hurt her feelings so I don’t tell her I’m glad not to be a mom.
I am glad that any kids I might have had do not have me for a mom. I would not neglect or abuse them, but I would be full of unfair resentment and wish they had never come along.
Again, I admire and respect you all. May you have peace and happiness in your lives.
Thank you so much EVERYBODY for your posts. Some of your posts could have very well been writtin by me. I am 38 with a 2 & 3 year old. I work full time and practically race out to the house everyday to enjoy the solitude of my 45 minute commute. I sometimes sit in my car in the driveway or nearby park for 20minutes before I have to face the demands of two toddlers at the end of the day. I often don’t look forward to coming home, because I know it’s going to be I want this, get me that, where’s this, etc….. Some days I feel so in love with them but most days I just hate being a mom. I feel so lost, overwhelmed, invisibile, exhausted, and all of the above. My husband is awesome! He does his fair share. For some reason he continues to put up with me. I feel that he’ll eventually admit that he deserves a better wife and mother for our children. I’m so depressed and anxious all the time. I do feel like a failure everyday! I know my mood affects the kids, hubby too. I try to do better, but then something simple will happen, like spilled milk, or a leaky diaper and I snap. I feel like I gave up myself in exchange for this motherhood thing that’s supposed to be so wonderful, but I just feel duped. Thank you for letting me feel unjudged and normal, and thank you for your inpiring words.
LostMyself
I did not buy into the lies that having kids makes you a better person, you will love the baby when it’s here, blah blah blah. Unfortunately, once the decision is made it is not reversible.
According to an old classic Ann Landers poll, 71% of parents state they would never do it again (I presume that was if they knew.)
I say y’all know, ya just don’t wanna believe the evidence of your own eyes, you just buy into the media, Disney, etc. presentations of the ‘joys’ of having kids. Plus the crab in the bucket mentalities that are out there as well. Some people who have made a mistake on this order like nothing better than to attempt to drag other people down into the same pile they are in.
All you can do is make the best of it, don’t have anymore and think twice before you tell some woman who is thinking about having kids that it is ‘the best thing that ever happened to me,’ and other nonsense.
Let the mooing begin.
“Mooing”? Now there’s class….
Wow, I feel so sorry for you moms. I am a mom of two and there have been time when I regretted my decision, mostly during my PPD period, but for the most part I love being a mom to my kids. I guess I am lucky because my kids are wonderful and the fact that they sleep a lot, play well by themselves, are not demanding makes my job easier. Don’t get me wrong, there are hard days but I don’t regret my decision. I am stopping at 2, though, because I am afraid a third one would be too much. Having said all this though because of so many mom’s having it hard, I will tell my daughter the brutal truth on how hard motherhood is for a lot of women and encourage her to do other things with her life before having children. I also would encourage her to only have one or two.
I AM SO NEVER HAVING KIDS!
Why would anyone want to ruin their life/body/sanity like this????
I feel for all of you mothers and hope things get better for you.
I think you are all very brave for posting your comments on this website. I know it takes a lot as a woman to admit you do not enjoy being a mother, but it is nice to realise you are not alone.
I am a single mother of 2 girls whom I adore. However I hate being a mother too, that is why I throw my life into other things to keep me going. I am at full time university on a scholarship, I work 20 hours a week and I am a single mum.
I too wanted to have the career and to travel a heap more, however I married a country boy who wanted kids. I thought I could do it but after my 2nd child I got really bad PND and he NEVER supported me. I mean he is the best father you could imagine but he became a horrible husband. Not horrible as abusive just neglectful of me. It was like as soon as the children came along I no longer existed. So I left him. We share the children now, I have them 8 nights per fortnight and he has them 6. I too look forward to when they go to his house.
I am talking to a therapist about it (as well as studying to become a therapist) however it does not help the fact that kids are for life. After your chat with your therapist, you still have to go home to the boring routine that your life has become.
People just do not understand, if we were selfish losers, being a mother would not be so hard, we would let them eat junk 24/7, not worry about homework, manners, how they behave in public etc. Its because we do care about our children and how they grow up in society that things are so hard. We want our kids to be well mannered and eat well and become respectful people.
My life is so busy I do not even have time to go out and find myself a boyfriend, which makes it hard too because I crave male attention however do not want to just bring home a stray. I want something meaningful. How do you find a man that wants to take you on and your kids though?? Nobody wants to take on other peoples kids these days. Well that is how it feels anyway. I feel really lonely every day.
I should have never had kids, however I cant take it back now, so i just keep plodding away, taking each day as it comes. I think in this over populated world we live in, if your a woman and you do not feel maternal, do not do it. Its simple, some of us were born to breed and some of us were not. We should not feel guilty for being either one. Its just how we are made up.
I do love my girls and they never go without anything, however when they become little women and are asking me questions about this I will tell them the truth. They too will have their own questions about parenting and I am hoping when that time comes society will be a little bit more understanding of things like this.
Erm, I really have to ask this – If bringing up children is so unpleasant, why did you have them? Is it compulsory, or have you never heard of contraception?
Did it really not occur to you that sharing your life with helpless, incontinent, demanding creatures might not be much fun?
As for the lady that had FIVE – one can only assume she’s a veeerrry slow learner!
I feel for all of you…really. BUT, I have a child with AUTISM, and if you think YOUR LIFE IS MISERABLE?!?!?!?!?! At least most of you have the grace of knowing that when your kids are grown, they will GO and you will get your “life back”…not ME. My son will need 24/7 supervision FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. I will have to bathe and feed a 50 yr old man when I’m 85! Y’all should just be GRATEFUL you have NORMAL KIDS!!!!!!!!
I’m sorry your son is atistic… but that still doesn’t take away from our feelings about motherhood. It doesn’t matter if you think our feelings are trivial compared to yours. They are OURS, and as you can see, many mothers feel the way we do.
My mother’s daughter (my little sister) has Down Syndrome and she is in the same boat as you. She tells me what you vented all the time. You are such a good person because of it – even though I know you hate hearing that (my mom does too). You are right that it is harder because your son will never grown up. But please remember that you are not alone. There are others in your same shoes who totally feel your pain – like my mom. And even though it is so demanding, so many people are humbled by what you do even if they do not say it. Find one of the disabilities non-profits in your area — they will pay for “respit care” for your son so you can get a break. And there are lots of people (like me) who enjoy caring for people with disabilites. You are doing an awesome job and you are so STRONG and amazing even if in almost every moment you feel tired and worn. Don’t worry. Your son loves you so much and in your heart of hearts you love him. I love you too!!!! Don’t worry
Alan,
You are selfish for saying such things. You have NO idea how it feels to be a woman or a mother. I am proud of you all who are brave and can say what you think here. I also love my kids, but the reality of stay-at-home mothering is very depressing. Also, shame on you who criticize those for their honesty….I sincerely hope that you are never judged for your feelings. I also hope that you love every single minute of your mothering should God bless you, but the reality of it is….you’re human!
Brokenrecord, not looking for a fight here, I really am interested – Just HOW does pointing out that getting pregnant is optional make me “selfish”?
It’s a question that really does interest me, whenever I hear parents whingeing about how hard it is to *be* parents – viz “So why did you volunteer for it?”
You obviously are not a parent and you could never be a Mother. It’s amazing how judgemental you could be about something you’ve never been through. Obviously your are perfect and your life has been perfect, otherwise you would understand what it is like to be human and not perfect. By the way, most Moms on this forum had a planned pregancy. Just like everything in life, how can you truely understand it until you’ve lived it.
You ladies do realise there’s not law that says you have to have kids don’t you? Did the stork just drop them in your garden one day…..?
Obviously you are perfect and have a perfect life. Let’s just hope you never have to deal with the reality of life some day. When you grow up then maybe you too will understand what it’s really like to be a Mother.
I am glad I am not alone. I have one son and I am stopping at that. It is not all that it is cracked up to be. I officially hate all of those women who constantly spoke of the “joys” of having children. They are liars, ok. It is miserable. I had such a great life. Vacations with my husband, happy hours, shopping, showering and going to the bathroom whenever I wanted to. I lay awake at night just thinking about what I have gotten myself into and how can I get out of it, but at the same time I freakin love the little guy so much. If it weren’t for my Mom taking care of him sometimes, I would have shot myself by now. If I had known, I would have waited until I was forty to have children and enjoyed my 30′s. Stupid decision to have him so young.
You are so lucky that you realized to stop at one. My 1st child, a boy, really was a joy — such an easy baby!
We decided on #2, and she is a satan child. That’s actually her nickname. She doesn’t sleep through the night yet, she is 1 year old. She’s always crying, screaming (even when she’s happy), hitting, wanting to be picked up, put down etc etc etc. We can never go out to eat as a family because she startstelling for NO REASON. She is obnoxious. She is sucking the life out of me.
Sure, there are some great moments with her, and I love her, of course… but on a whole, life has sucked ever since.
typo: meant to read “she starts yelling”, not “startstelling”.
She is screaming in the background, as usual, so I’m a bit distracted.
I am happy for those of you who think you know so much more than us mothers! You have the freedom to judge because you are not in our shoes. You think you could do better, Ha! Your wonderful boyfriends and husbands you believe are going to be amazing fathers….LOL! Most of us believed the same. I even tested my husband w/ nieces and nephews and my little brothers to see how he handled babies. I asked a gazillions of questions to see where his mind was at! And I thought I would be an amazing mother, but reality is life is not like the 50′s; and I don’t think those women were as happy as they let on anyway!!! We as mothers and wives are suppose to play the role and love it to death. I personally despise it quite often! My children are beautiful, intelligent, and as all others have stated I love them more than anything. But unfortuanetly it does not take the drudgery away of rearing them. How dare people say we are horrible. What do you do 24/7 that you can not ever fail at or you ruin a human being. It’s like living on pins and needles always. Have you ever stayed home w/ 3 sick children all vomiting for a week with no sleep? Have you ever nursed every two hours for months on end. Have you ever been pregnant and so tired and sick you can hardly keep your eyes open, but yet you have a toddler who will probably kill themselves if you dare snooze off. Have you ever listened to the same story or read the same book or watch the same movie literally 100′s of times. Have you ever had someone ask what you do, and you tell them and they act as if it is nothing, that anyone could do it, and like you are an idiot for doing so! You judge us because what we are doing is more important than anything you are doing in your life. Nothing you do can compare to what we are doing. And most of us have had careers, so we have done what you do and we realize how pathetic and naive you actually are! We have the right to say what ever we please and more woman should. Even if I had read this I still could not have known what was coming! With all that said I am a mother, and being a parent can not compare to any other job or experience. It is a life long responsibility with temporary gratifications and unbelievable trials.
To have someone completely depend on you and adore you is mind blowing. It can not be fully understood until it is experienced first hand! I take pride in rearing my children, and I look forward to the day that the things I have taught them come to fruition.. (and for you wenches out there who want to pick at me or my grammar as if I’m uneducated I am sick, pissed because of you, and tired!) Also I will be probably woken up again several times before morning by my baby or toddler, so basically it’s like living w/ jet lag for years!!!!
Did I just write that? WOW it felt great:):)
Sasha:
That WAS great!!! Thank you so much for writing that. WOW did you capture some perfect things. (Im tired too and anxious about my night with teething 1 year old twins and a husband traveling for the next 4 days/nights so excuse my poor writing here!) Anyone who has the nerve to post anything here other than support for us mothers who are standing up against the b.s. society and our own families have shoved down our throats can just eff off. I doubt any person here is questioning the love that we have for our own kids because we all apparently feel the same way. Kids=wonderful. Motherhood=cruel. Why didn’t ANYONE tell me??? I feel hurt and betrayed by my friends, family, society.
;(
Signed,
Two-and-Through
As a childfree person replying to Sasha, I want to congratulate you on that post. Far from picking at the few spelling mistakes, etc, I have to say I felt it was a great piece of writing.
I don’t agree with everything you said (especially where you implied that everyone who doesn’t have children wants to put you down) but you managed to convey the ambiguity of your emotions – the fact that you know you *should* adore being a mother, and yet don’t always – brilliantly. It showed genuine emotion without being cliched, and that isn’t easy to do.
I wish more “on the fence” women could read what you wrote before having children simply because “it’s what you have to do”. It would mean far fewer distressed people in the world.
Alan,
Thank you for your encouragement. Honestly I did not mean to come off as if I hated or disliked all childless people. Really this is a first for me. I don’t think I would ever lash out at someone face to face like this, and it felt good to be frank:) I really was extremely tired and ill, but I had just put my baby to bed that had woken me up for the third time; so I was wired and frustrated to say the least. And I found this site in my insomniac moment of surfing the web. I was truly spouting off at the judgemental, “perfect” mothers and childless women on here. I also could relate and wanted to expound a bit on what the other real moms had to say. All these women should not feel horrible, and it is normal to feel the way they do. I also think husbands should read every post. I will definitely be asking my husband to. Then they would realize their wives are not the only ones who feel the way they do. We are not crazy, ungrateful, or lazy. We are moms plain and simple, and this comes with the territory.
If you don’t have children and can’t understand what this board is here for, then why are YOU here? Obviously, you are here to just hurt people who take care of their children every day.
To all the brave women on this site who have been able to admit their fears and their vulnerability, to admit they are far-from-perfect-mothers in the hope of encouraging other far-from-perfect-mothers I would like to say a heart-felt “Thank You”. It is women like you who make the world a better place. It is, believe it or not, women like you who, because of your ability to admit your flaws, will raise your children to be fine young men and women.
But to those women who have seen fit to post critical, self-rightious and, frankly, insulting comments on a site that is clearly for people who need support – shame on you! Will you be that critical when your own child needs support? It is YOUR children that I pity, since your judgemental nature and lack of empathy is bound to have an affect on them.
Well I am 22 years old. I do not hate being a mom!!! I had my son when I was turning 20, and that is very young. I never regret it, and it was so hard in the first year, now that he is 2, he is very independent but I still have to do things for him. Me and my boyfriend have a pretty good schedule of letting each other go out with friends on certain days, we can both keep our sanity. We are not planning on having anymore children. Yes I do miss not being able to party and go out whenever I want, and not being able to do things without my little guy, but If me and my boyfriend did not have our son, we would be drug addicts. You have to make sure you always take time for youself. I never wanted to have any kids, but after having one, I know that he was meant to be here and I made a good choice for myself. I even completed a program at school recently to become an administrative assistant. I didn’t get to go to college or do any of those fun things, but if you are unhappy dont have anymore kids. I just went on birth control because I NEVER WANT MORE KIDS! 1 is enough lol. I get depressed too, but its not because of him, because he is the light of my fricken life and he depends on me for everything, I can change how his life plays out, I can be strong and give him the life that I never had (me and my boyfriend are both from horribly broken abusive homes) and we are giving our son what we never had. Whenever I look into that little boys’ eyes I remember the reason why Im here has more meaning than being selfish. I can still be selfish and have things, it will just take longer because I have a son. But in 20 years when I am 42, and he is my age, I will be happy that I have someone that will love my forever, and know that I never gave up and did everything I could, with a smile on my face, to give him a great life. Try not to worry so much about whether or not your house is spotless, my house is a disaster half the time, and yes the housework piles up, but there is more to life than a spotless home, enjoy the time you have. Get out there and take your baby for walks everyday, go see friends, dont just sit at home and clean and cook and wash laundry. It will be there when you get back. I am sometimes still in a depression, but its because I feel like my life lacks excitement. But you make your own life! Only you can change things and make your life what you want it. ANYTHING is possible!
I’m so glad to find this site. I feel so guilty. I love my husband and my daughter, and we went through so much to have a child. Five years of fertility treatments, so much disappointment, failed IVFs, and then it worked and I had the happiest, healthiest pregnancy and I was totally on a cloud for nine months getting ready to welcome her. At 38, I had traveled and had a great career and was in control of my life and my world; I have a fantastic husband and the baby was going to make our life complete – and she has. She’s a blessing and I know I am lucky.
But the walls came tumbling down after she was born. I thought I had planned so well and taken all the right baby prep classes – and I didn’t know anything. I still feel like I don’t know really what I’m doing. I love my little girl, but I hate what’s happened to ME. I am lost, I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t enjoy seeing people anymore. I feel like my life has disappeared, and it’s so physically exhausting hauling car seats up and down stairs, etc. It all seemed to snowball. It was stressful, I had complications from the c-section, I couldn’t breast-feed, she was losing weight, I didn’t have family or help around after my husband went to work, and my business dwindled to almost nothing. I wanted to just throw myself from the roof from despair. I decided to see a therapist, pretty sure I had PPD, but I was told that I seemed ‘fine’. But I see these other moms who seem like they’re so happy and they seem so confident and seem to know what to do and I feel so disorganized and I wonder what’s wrong with me, how did I get so lost? I know I can change things, but I have no energy or motivation. I don’t even want to clean house or call anybody on the phone. I’ve been afraid to tell anyone because I know it seems ungrateful after the gift we’ve been given, and I don’t want anyone I know to hate me for being a little less than enthusiastic about my role as mom. Thank you for reading and not judging.
No judgement here whatsover. You sound just like me. I was 38 as well, gave up my six figure income with a huge awesome company. I had twins, one natural birth, one c-section (ya it was a long day) then had to be re-admitted one day after going home and leave my newborns with my husband and inlaws for two days because they released me with my blood count so low, I needed to get 4 units of blood. Well this completely ruined my breastfeeding attempts and I was severely depressed from that. I think I cried every moment I was in the hospital. And by the way my dad had colon cancer surgery 3 days after their birth. Talk about stress. In the year since their birth, I feel I have completely lost myself. Twins are so physically exhausting that although I want to do things, I just can’t. I just can’t. You could not pay me millions of dollars to have another child. I would have stopped at one if it had been a singleton. I just am still in shock that I had no idea you could hate motherhood but still adore your children and feel lucky, and that no one in my life has ever expressed feelings that sound like mine. Best of luck to us both. Take care.
Question: has anyone gotten medicinal treatment for this…but not been diagnosed with depression? What I mean is: I do not think I am depressed. I have been depressed in the past and this is not the same. I can function. I just hate my life. What I am is woefully sad and in mourning for my past life and am having trouble coming to grips with a life that I hate, but cannot change, topped with guilt about having two beautiful healthy children that I love and that I KNOW many people on this earth would give their right arm for. Is there medicine for this? This is a serious question. I think the answer is no.
Dear Trapped
I went to the doctor and told them almost exactly the same thing that you’ve written. She offered me antidepressants anyway, but I refused because I’ve had them before and like you, I don’t think I’m depressed. She offered me “stress counseling”, but after a few sessions I stopped going because all I was doing was talking about my feelings and there didn’t seem to be any answers. So, in short, I think the answer is ‘No’ too. Sometimes I use Bachs Rescue Remedy, which makes me feel a little calmer about my situation, but the relief is short-lived. I think somehow, some way, we have to find a way to adjust our minds to this new way of life. I don’t know how, but when I find a way I’ll let you know! I have to say though, it helps me enormously to know there are other people who feel the same, so thank you.
Thanks Andrea. I agree, I have been able to get through my day easier since I found this site and learned that other people feel the same way I do. I don’t know why, but it really helps. I’m not sure what Bachs is but I will look it up. I “used” to be a runner and run marathons and I’m putting the same type of mental strategies (ok, mental “games”) towards this SAHM job, which are basically: “just keep putting one foot in front of the other, don’t overthink it and don’t stop – you WILL get to the end”.
Take care
I feel extra bad because my little girl is only three weeks old and already I’m asking myself if I’ve made a mistake. I love her to death and every time I look at her little face I feel so guilty for feeling this way.
I had a life, I was a successful musician and now all I do is sit at home, stare at tv while I nurse and hold my inconsoleable child while my husband works. I miss my music, I miss my friends, I miss my old life. I keep hoping it will get better, but after reading some comments it doesn’t seem like it does.
It does get a little better. 3 weeks old is very young, and at that age all they really do is eat and sleep.
Soon, your daughter will start to interact, be more alert, and start smiling, cooing, then crawling and walking etc. Before you know it you will be taking her to parks and playing, etc. Not to mention start to have just a little more free time to pick up music again, or some other hobby. She WILL get more independant.
Also, you are a new mother… it takes time to start to settle into the role of mommy. It’s such a huge change. I’ve been in this mommy role for 3 1/2 years, and I am still learning the ropes.
Hang in there!
I guess I always knew in the back of my mind that I wasn’t the only one that regrets becoming a mom, but having it here and being able to read it I feel much better. I’m 24 with a 9 mo and a 3 yr old. My 3 yr old was in the nicu for a month every since then I have felt detatched from her and I had postpartum depression for sure. I never got it with my second child which i had a normal pregnancy with and delievery. I feel much more closer to her than my 3 yr.old which i feel so guilty about.but now It seems i only get REALLY bad right before my period. I’m worried I might have ppmd. I’ve read studies online saying that its more likely to happen to women in there 30′s. Does anyone around my age have it?
Wow, this is all very profound. For a long time I thought there was something wrong with me. I’m 42 and have 4 daughters. My older ones are 17 and 9, and then I remarried and had 2 more girls who are now 3 and 1.
Only 1 was planned, the others were all surprises. Funny too, cause I have used different types of birth control but apparently I am amazingly fertile. In addition to my 4 girls, I have had 4 miscarriages. After having my most recent baby last spring, I had a tubal ligation and during surgery I had complications and almost died, but hopefully it will finally keep me from getting pregnant!
AND HERE I AM!! I am a stay at home mom and I love my girls more than life but I totally hate the drudgery of daily parenting.
My oldest, age 17, is always mouthing off and telling me how much she hates living with all of us. She is brilliant and beautiful but TOTALLY strong willed. It seems like we are always at each others throats.
My 9 year old is a HUGE challenge. She can be a great kid and never gets in trouble, most people think she’s so well behaved and quiet. But at home she screams and slams things and tells me she hates me when she doesn’t get her way. She has gotten better over the past year but still has her moments. She can be the sweetest most loving kid most of the time, but then there’s that other 10%.
My two little ones are great kids and much easier than my older two were, but they are little, and my daily life is controlled by their needs. I feel like I have no life. I have no motivation anymore because it’s just a neverending struggle. I can work hard to clean house, and in an hour it’s trashed again. My older girls tell me what a horrible mom I am when I try to get them to help out, so mostly my house is a disaster. For those of you who know your greek mythology, I feel just like Sisyphus who was eternally sentenced to pushing a giant rock up a mountain every day, only to get to the top and watch it roll down again, then have to push it up the mountain again, etc etc. No matter what I do, it really doesn’t matter because I will just have to do it over and over.
For those who are critics, at least we are being honest. Most people I know are totally sure they will be great at this, and have all the answers… until they actually have kids!!! Once you have kids, and realize how hard it is, normally you stop being so critical.
My ex-husband has never paid a dime in child support, although I have continuously tried to get it. The problem is that he was living on an Indian Reservation and as long as he stayed there, he was protected. A few years ago, he was convicted of child endangerment and sent to federal prison for 30 years, but because he is incarcerated I STILL can’t get child support even though he has the means to pay it. The system has totally failed me and my two older girls.
My current husband is a wonderful husband and father and loves my two older girls like they are his own, as well as being a big help with our two little ones. I am lucky to have him, but still…..this is SO HARD!!
Like many of you have said, we obviously love our kids because if we didn’t care so much, it wouldn’t be nearly as hard. I just hate the constant mess, the whining and feeling totally unappreciated no matter how hard I work at this. I’d die for any one of my kids in a second….and in a way, I am, because I have totally given my life to them.
Thanks for letting me vent!
OMG.. I had absolutely no idea there were actually REAL OTHER HUMAN BEINGS OUT THERE that felt exactly like me.
I am a miserable mess… I have a 10 month old and a 4 year old and I am home 24/7 with them. I used to have a thriving home Web Design business.. making tons of $$$, and enjoying life… BALANCING it anyways.
I’m trapped.. I’m miserable.. and I am starting to resent my children.
I don’t know who I am anymore. I am the maid.. The one who cleans every damn day.
I’m constantly cleaning… it feels as though anyways.
I am hoping to get some help with this. Good luck to everyone.. I don’t think there is a solution. I love love love my kids but I can’t stand them most days.
I hate being a mom. I am 31 and have a two year old daughter and she is amazing, but I feel trapped and depressed. I have a PhD and tons of opportunities to pursue my career and travel, but I can’t because of being a mom. (I should say, I choose not to work 60 hours/week and leave home for 2 weekends a month because I believe the responsible thing is to be home with my family.)
I thought I may have postpartum depression, but after a year I thought I should be feeling better. I went on the Mirena after my daughter was born, and I asked my doctor if it could be causing depression – I was tired, overwhelmed, and irritable. My doctor removed the Mirena, but said those are also totally normal side effects of being a mother! I am glad I had the Mirena removed, but I still have the same feelings. I am totally mourning the loss of my independence.
I have never been a bra-burning feminist, but becoming a mother has made me hate men. I work full-time as a social worker, and all the administrators are men. I look around me, and I see other women working theirs asses off, while the men call all the shots. My boss asked me to call his WIFE to make arrangements for his next work trip! I wish I had a wife!
At home, I honestly believe my husband does what he can – and it’s pathetic! He is always complaining. He wakes me up at night whenever he hears any little noise. I have not slept through the night in two years – including the nights when my daughter has been at my mom’s house! He needs constant praise for doing anything – dishes, vacuuming, or grocery shopping. He is always telling me it’s not a competition and not to compare our roles – that is because he would be LOSING!
My job also requires me to work with families who have serious issues – like child abuse and sexual assault. It makes me sick! I am constantly worried that my daughter will become a victim someday. The other day I was thinking, I really believe men are responsible for war, sexual assault, rape, terrorism, mass murders, femicide, school shootings, and domestic violence.
It’s shocking to see these words pouring out because I have great men in my life – including my dad! But becoming a mother has made me see that so many men are spoiled and incompetent! I believe that women are the most untapped natural resource on this earth, and I think so much of our potential is being tied up by having to stay home with children. Of course we are doing the most important work in the world, but we are getting screwed big time!
I love your list of things men are responsible for. It’s true.
It’s also true that we’re better than them because we’re mothers. No one works as hard as moms – hands down. Even if we do hate it.
And I’m not a feminist either.
I have always loved kids. They’re so cool. I love the way they think, learn and I am fascinated by the way the grow and move. I even really enjoy a good days housework and I am a playful, gentle and loving person by nature.
But right now I can just about manage 5 minutes in the company of my kids without loosing my will to live and I am not exaggerating. I know I’m depressed and am on medication, I feel pretty good when I am not with them. I even look forward to seeing them again and have wonderful moments of their faces in my mind.
Within a few minutes, the demands begin, the tantrums start and the complaints about everything. Some times I feel like such a failure as a mum that they would be better off without me.
I told my husband I hate being a mum and he said ‘ No you don’t’. I don’t think it’s because he is insensitive, but I think he just can’t imagine how I could hate it when I clearly love them SOOO much.
Thank you for this site, thank you everyone (yes everyone) for posting and showing us all the HUGE range of feelings on this topic. It has most certainly touched a nerve.
And to close, I am hopeful, that having an understanding forum will help all us mothers struggling with feeling something that we think we shouldn’t be feeling. If nothing else, knowing that we are not alone is a huge relief to those of us who thought we were somehow abnormal.
WANTED
Good all rounder need for immediate start in ‘busy’ workplace. Hours are from 0000 to 2400 Mon to Sun. Remuneration will be paid in 25 years if successful in project.
Duties include everything required to make a new person, building management, supplier liason, education, discipline, health, nutrition, hygiene and fitness of an often ‘uncooperative’ subject.
You are a confident self motivator, adept at multitasking while multitasking, you have the gift of smiling through the abuse from your subject and the condemnation of complete strangers. You adore your little ‘subject’ regardless of how many times it has publicly humiliated you by pulling your skirt up in the shopping queue, waited until all your groceries are on the conveyor before announcing I HAVE TO GO PEE NOWWWW very loudly while it’s younger incarnation bawls red faced in the pushchair for milk.
You are emotional enough to teach your subject to be a well balanced young adult come the time but not so emotional that a few years of sleep deprivation and indentity assualts will affect you.
Apply in writing so that, should you change your mind after enduring the position for the on the job training period, your application may be used to support any future vicious comments made by complete strangers.
I would like to apply for this position. It sounds wonderful. I promise I will never complain about the job even when it looks like all hope is lost for my dignity.
I do have some questions though?
Is there back up?
Is there a guaranteed method?
Will my results be judged fairly?
Will my new skills be transferable?
Do you provide references for future ventures of mine?
Yours sincerely
Ev R Y Mumever
Dear Ev
Please find below the response to you (frankly presumptious) questions:-
No
No
No
No
No
Your contract is en route. Welcome to the fold. Now do not ever contact us again or ask anymore questions because it will make you look incompetent and ungrateful for the gift of this job!
Soooo true! LOL
The weather has been nice and i have been bringing my little 6 month old to the pool and it has been okay.. but she cries most of the time. well she just cries.. its nothing new. Last night she cried and cried and cried.. again i got no sleep.. why? why do i see all these other mom that have babies that sleep the whole night through.. i envy them.. i cant stand them.. I just feel so tried, warn, fat, and ugly.. I want to workout but there is no time.. my husband is working all the time and im stuck at home.. i finally got a car so that helps but every time i bring her out all she does is cry.. and then i have to hold her while pushing the stroller.. we all know how that goes. stress-city..
Most of all when she cries i do everything to calm her.. then i just break down crying myself because I feel like im a horrible mom.. then comes the thinking of running away and she would be better off without me… i need to run away.. but something is keeping me from it.
I literally just spent an hour reading through all the posts here. I’m a 22 year old single mom and I feel identical to so many of you. I felt like just breaking down and crying as I read on because this is our truth. Tonight I had a pretty big fight with my mother about feeling this way. It was obviously a mistake to be honest and tell her although I love my daughter more than anything, I hate being a mom. I too can only muster up the energy to take care of all my daughter needs in a day. She suggested I “get the hell out of the room for once and take the baby to the park to socialize with mothers” because apparently taking a seven month old (who can’t even play at the park) to the park is the solution for my broken record life. I am just so certain that the ray of light will hit me and I’ll have some massive epiphany while socializing with another zombie mom who tells me what color her kid’s vomit was last week. No one gets it. It was said so perfectly by some of you when you said there is no more you. There are no more dreams, hopes, ambition because why bother teasing yourself? It kills me when friends of mine who are lucky enough to drop everything and do as they like after work, invite me out and I have to decline. I feel like a zombie, a zombie living in some horrible nightmarish twilight zone. My daughters father gets to go about life as if nothing happened. Never will he have to run to the car to change a runny diaper while shopping, make bottles, wake up out of his peaceful sleep at night, entertain a baby from morning to night sometime in between doing those loads of laundry or any of the other million things that comes along with being a slave. I truly feel as if my life is over, as if when you gain a baby you lose yourself. It would be different if husbands/boyfriends were more helpful but apparently because they have nine to five jobs they’re doing their part. Constantly throwing around the “well i’m tired, I WORKED all day” bit. At least they can look forward to getting off of work at a certain point in their day. What time is our shift over? Oh, that’s right.. never. I do feel guilty and I feel like a bad person but one just simply cannot help but to feel the way they do. The saddest part of it all is that there seems to be no answer to our problem.
Dear K,
I am also a 22 year old mom. It sounds like your mom is being rough on you rather than sympathizing with you. My mom hated being a mom sometimes too, and she was honest with me about that, and now when I talk to her about how much I hate it she understands and that makes me feel better. Tell your mom that you need a break and ask her to stay with the baby if she is near.
It is way harder for you as a single mom. YOU HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO HAVE A BREAK if you dont have a husband (even if they are idiots). Take the baby to the gym day care, and even if you dont want to work out, just do something else while you are there. Also the first year is REALLY hard, and the most depressing I have found.
Going outside and having sunlight touch your eyes for 15 minutes a day has been proven to uplift your mood. Try that – and you don’t have to go to the park to talk to annoying Mommies.
The answer to our problem is that “the only way out is through.” Seriously. We have to go through the struggle to get out of it.
I really like this book called the MomsTown guide to getting a life as a stay at home mom. Maybe you will like it too.
Wishing you all the best dear.
By the way, you’re doing an amazing job.
OMG, I am not the ony one!! I feel so much better already! I am a mom of a 6 year old. I am so tired of being this person who can not feel happy. Dont take me wrong, I love my son, but I hate kids, I hate the fact that I can not just get a bag and go away for the weekend like i usto before… or just go to the mall without thinking getting him dress, making sure he had something to eat, he brushed his teeths and so.. I wish I cold at least dream of in 18 years to be free again, but I cant because my bay is autistic… Imagine that, forever 2! I still have dipers to deal wih everyday.. There is many times that I wish I could just die..
I too have been a stay at home mom for 8 years now. We have two boys 8 and 4. They are wonderful boys and I have a wonderful husband. But Im so lonely and I feel alot of resentment of how my life has turned out. I feel so out of touch with society as I dont get to even talk with many people; No famiy. I babysit 50 hours a week to help make ends meet, husbands 34k salary a year just doesent cut it and I never wanted my kids in daycare nor do I want someone “watching them” because I know its a burden to them as it is me. We had planned on having another WHY you ask me I HAVE no frecking idea!! Its so stupid really as we get no time to ourselves and I get no break except to run the the grocery store :( Im so glad to have found this site. I think lots of moms feel this way and feel bad about themselves its very freeing to read these coments and know
Im not alone!
I respect all of you for coming together and sharing your stories. I do not yet have kids so I’ve been trying to learn from moms what it’s REALLY like so one day I will be prepared. When I ask the mothers I know how motherhood is going I always have this feeling that I’m not getting an honest answer. They sound almost robotic when they say, “Oh it’s great etc etc” It just sounds so eerily phony.
In search of the truth, I decided to go online, where there’s more anonymity and I read through a few websites that seemed to start down the path of honesty but quickly made a left turn as if women wanted to admit how they felt but were too ashamed. For example, one mom admitted she was depressed and wasn’t enjoying motherhood and asked if anyone else felt the same. 5 moms chimed in with, “Oh I love my kids so much, its tiring but it’s the BEST thing I’ve ever done.” The general attitude was like, “oh you poor thing, get yourself together.” I just kept picturing all these women sitting around a table with big scary fake smiles plastered on their faces as they take another swig from the glass of denial.
Then I came across this site, what a refreshing dose of reality! Thank you for your honesty, and I see nothing wrong with being truthful about your feelings and having others validate them. Society puts so much pressure on moms to uphold an image created a long time ago, that women are naturally maternal supermoms and are supposed to love every moment of it, so when reality hits, they feel inadequate.
The reality is, motherhood is completely selfless and you are sacrificing your entire life to give one to someone else, sometimes more than one. It involves giving up your entire body for 9+ months, sore chapped nipples, stretch marks, sleeplessness, exhaustion, frustration, being held prison in her own home for years at a time, cleaning up poop, vomit, and snot, endless cooking, cleaning, and laundry, putting up with tantrums, screaming and whining, being the taxi driver, tutor, cheerleader, mediator, disciplinarian, protector and bank, dealing with 6+ years of adolescence (a task in itself) and putting your own hopes and dreams on hold, maybe forever, so that someone else can fulfill theirs.
Now how many other jobs are this thankless and carry this much responsibility 24-7-365 with no pay? A big fat NONE. No job compares to the job of a mother and to add insult to injury, society expects mothers to do all this with a smile?? I give that a big fat middle finger!!
Thank you mothers that are here sharing the truth and breaking down yet another bogus image society has created for women. Not enjoying all the BS that comes with motherhood doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad mother, it makes you a human being, and I’m sure that if most other mothers could give up their, “I’m a perfect mom” facade, they’d be right here with you.
High five ladies, you are some strong women!
THANK YOU!! I wish all people were so understanding
I have two children and three step children. Thank goodness we don’t have all of them at once. Just the same as everyone else, I love my kids but I am sooo done. I feel like a robot going thru the same routine day in and day out. I really do hate being a mom. I think that the biggest issue is that I never had a chance to be a kid. I had my son at 16. Should have listened to mom…. Anyway, I am so damn critical of everything and feel like a drill sergent. The thing is if I don’t demand the best nothing gets done and my significant other doesn’t move his butt either. I wish I could go back in time and do things all over again, I probably would not ever have kids… I feel so guilty for feeling this way but it is what it is I guess.
I know exactly how you feel. I too, I guess, take the drill sergeant method. Its the only way to keep my sanity. I know some of my family memebers think I’m too strict. Sometimes I think it makes me a bad mom cause it seems I’m always bossing them around instead of playing or loving them.
I’m the same way. I didn’t start out this way, it was quite the opposite, I was patient and compassionate but that well is dry and now I just pound out the orders to keep it moving, I’m exhausted and I wonder if the old me is still in here somewhere. Where did I lose her and will she ever be back? I don’t like this person I’ve become, I’m always angry and tired. I don’t have the energy anymore. I thought it was harder when my 2 were younger and it was in some aspects but at least they wanted me around, now they are wrapped up in school, friends, and projects so I get all the “mom can I have some money, mom can you drive me here, mom can you buy me this, and not any of the mom hug me, mom cuddle with me, mom don’t leave. I do wish I had a better idea of what this life was going to be like so I couldn’t done more with my first one. Sigh
I am 33 year old SAHM to only 1 child, my son who is 15 months old and I am tears almost daily because it has been so hard. When he was born he had BAD colic and silent reflux and sleep maybe 5 hours allll day! I was ready to loose my mind. Around 10 months I started to like him, I always loved him but was so drained. He has always had stomach issues so I watch what he eats.
He now has a bad ear infection on top of teething and has started hitting and biting and kicking. He is only 15 months old for goodness sake. He is refusing to take a decent nap and it is driving me nuts. I cannot get a thing done bc when he is awake he is screaming, crying or wanting to be held. I am not sure how much longer I can handle this “fussy,” baby. He has already had timeouts. I don’t know what to do. I want me old carefree life back again. I desire a normal and happy baby.
I googled I hate being a stay at home mom and this is the 1st thing that popped up. I’m glad to see that I am not the only mom who feels this way, honestly right now I hate being a mom. My kids don’t listen to me and when I yell they get a smerk (sp?) on their face. I just really want to walk out the door and never look back sometimes. I let them go upstairs and play and they destroy their rooms like ungrateful brats. I just feel like ripping my hair out and mind you I am a military wife so its always me who has to watch the kids and do everything. Plus might I add my husband has been on 2 one year deployments and we live very far from family, so dropping my kids off at the grandmoms or aunts is out of the question.
Right now I refuse to buy anymore toys since they do not appreciate the ones they do have and I’m throwing away all of their toys except for maybe 2 and thats it. I wish I would of never had kids and I only have 2 and I’m sure there are plenty of other women out there who have more kids then me. Now I understand why some stay at home moms put there kids in full day care or all day summer programs. I just need a BREAK! Thanks for letting me vent
I am so glad I found this website and am not the only one who feels this way. I am a SAHM of 2. I never thought i’d have kids. Had a good career, awesome husband who wanted kids. To be honest I had the 1st for him. I had my 2nd for my 1st child cuz I wanted him to have a playmate! So whoever said we Moms on this forum are selfish is wrong. We all have basically sacrificed our lives for our kids. I stay at home & also work pt from home. My kids drive me
up the wall & sometimes when they don’t listen I just give up and start crying. I feel like a failure. My kids deserve a better Mom. I feel so guilty when the thought of “regret” crosses my
mind. I just feel lost and lifeless. I rarely enjoy myself anymore. Don’t even wanna go on a family vacation because it’s more work than relaxation. I really want to be a good Mom to my kids. They are so full of life. Hopefully some inspiration is coming my way. Day-to-day.
it’s weird reading all these comments…sorta like you guys didn’t ‘know’ what motherhood was about. For all the reasons you’ve stated, I never had children and I don’t regret it a bit. Motherhood isn’t like getting a new car or living room set. Its a 18+ year commitment of time responsibility and energy. You have the most important job in the world – but it’s also a thankless one. Eventually your kids will grow up. For those of you at the end of your rope, therapy can help you.
Well no Anon, some of us didn’t know what motherhood was going to be like. Sure, we had an idea but if you’ve never done something you don’t know what it’s like until you experience it yourself. Yes I knew it’d be hard but I didn’t think I would hate it. News flash, LOTS of mothers feel this way but because it’s taboo most just keep quiet. Seriously, who isn’t going to hate their job at some point when it’s 24/7 of exhaustion for years on end. I love my child but I hate my job right now and venting is cathartic. It feels good just to admit it and have others understand instead of reacting in horror and shunning you for it so take your useless advice elsewhere.