Hate being a mom
Posted by Ann in Hate on Feb 21st, 2009 | 2,270 commentsI am depressed. I hate being a mom. I also hate being a stay at home mom too!
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I am depressed. I hate being a mom. I also hate being a stay at home mom too!
I hate being a mother too. I never wanted kids but found myself pregnant at 42. 42! What a nightmare. I hated being pregnant. The father is a loser drunk I should have never been with but had come out of a bad relationship and wanted some company. I can’t stand having to wake up and feed and change and clothe and carry and shop for. Plus her father is so inept I don’t want him around her or even for visits. I got another boyfriend who loves the baby and as soon as the father found out he started harassing him. Then he started with threats and posts on FB then he started contacting the police with false allegations… so many times that they told me to get a restraining order. I did. He keeps breaking it and I keep having him arrested. He made false allegations to CPS and now they come to my house to check on me. I am in court fighting for him to have no visitations with her. CPS and everyone are on my side but this is a living nightmare of a hell. I have degrees too and owned my own business which I had to sell when I got pregnant. The father was so abusive to me during pregnancy. Told me he wished I would die in childbirth. Nutcase. I have all the threats printed out for the court and CPS. They know he is psycho. He called my sister to say he would murder me and my boyfriend and put baby in foster care. He is insane! I dated him when we were younger and he married someone else and we met up again 20 years later after his divorce. I should never have hooked up with him again. I would never have gotten pregnant. The baby is a joy a delight and a good baby, but I hate having to carry her every where I go. I hate being broke all the time. I hate hoping my boyfriend will marry me so we can live as a family and afraid that if he doesn’t I will be all alone in this forever. She is a good baby everyone tells me, she sleeps well and all. But she is not gaining weight and the doctors are all concerned. I feed her she eats and drinks milk and all. She is very strong and muscular just not a big fat marshmallow baby like other people have. Thank God or I would have to lug around a 30lb baby everywhere. I got into a car accident when she was 7 weeks old and my back is in pain everyday. Also I gain 40lbs (I am short so I I look very big) I use to be slim and have a nice flat stomach – now I feel like a fat blob. Ever day is the same. What will her father do next? He has called where I worked and threatened them. He has called my boyfriend’s job ( a prison) . He has no fear of anything or anyone. Right in the courtroom during our hearing, he was cursing at me in front of he judge and all the attorneys violating the court order. The attorney asked the judge to have him taken into custody. He did nothing. I hate having to deal with courts and CPS and police and doctors and my family calling me telling me what he said when he called them. I hate having to be afraid all the time. Everyone says well why were you with him? It was 2 months and I started seeing all these weird behaviors and I walked away. I found out I was pregnant later on. I had surgery years before and was told it would be very hard or near impossible for me to get pregnant. I did not think it was possible especially at my age. What a sick existence this is. And to think I won’t be free of it until I am like 60 and then my life will be over. What a huge mistake. I thank God that my boyfriend is great with her and feeds her and changes her and loves her to pieces like his own or I would be in a nut hut by now.
i’m so sorry. it sounds like you hate being a mom because you are so angry and depressed about your life. if mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.
if your situation was different, you’d be able to enjoy the little things about being a mom more…but with all your stress…it’s almost impossible to “stop and smell the roses”.
I betcha the father has BPD. You might be going through post partum depression. I have both. It sucks. I KNOW it’s hard. Here’s the honest to God truth: If YOU don’t make a choice NOW to seriously TRY to be a good Mom, by educating yourself, taking pills, relaxing, seeing a therapist, whatever it takes, especially if your boyfriend is willing to take care of your girl – DO IT. Unfortunately, BPD is genetic & absolutely horrifying. You DO NOT want your daughter to get it!!! She might meet every mile stone physically & seem like a perfectly healthy baby but her neural pathways are developing in her brain, even as little as she is, from birth till 3 & if you don’t get her the stable & loving environment that she needs, you might end up with a very promiscuous daughter who self mutilates because of the pain she’s been through. Once again, I KNOW you DON’T want to hear this. I DON’T either. But if you have bad genes on your side plus a bad upbringing, controlling, unstable, fights, yelling, babies/toddlers develop fear, which then turns into anger & most often it turns inward, because they’re in so much pain, they HAVE to hurt themselves to dull the emptiness inside. Try to find something positive about her every day, even if you have to suck it out of nothing. “She slept throught he night!” That’s WONDERFUL!!!! Read “Understanding the Bordeline Mother” that could be one reason why you might have not wanted to have children in the first place. And I would highly recommend “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul Mason & Randi Kreger. I’m not trying to be know it all, you just HAVE to not to start this ugly cycle which will eventually perpetuate itself over & over. When she has a child, she’ll project her anger to that child, worse yet, commit suicide herself, like my co worker’s daughter at 22 & then her child will be fearful & angry at the world & all alone. If you read that book about borderline mothers, it’ll make you want to do something positive RIGHT AWAY! It’s like a slap in the face or a bucket of ice cold water – you’ll be going, hell, no, I DO NOT WANT THAT FOR MY CHILD! I understand that’s not what you wanted & maybe because you didn’t think you could be a good Mom or maybe because you didn’t want to be like your Mom but you got it! It’s a blessing! You will find yourself treasuring your relationship with her someday. Maybe you’re not great at taking care of babies, just like I’m not, but maybe you could be the best, wisest, coolest Mom later in her teen years. So what you’re older. When all the boyfriends are gone, she’ll keep you company! She’ll take care of you, simply because you’re her Mom. So, I KNOW it SUCKS!!! & you & I would hate everyone who just tells us to SUCK IT UP! because it’s NOT EASY, but we have to! We have a choice whether to love or not to love a helpless baby, to care for or not care for them, to stay self centered & angry and project their crying as a rejection onto yourself or try your darnest to be the best Mom you can be! GOD chose YOU for a reason because HE KNEW YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE who could be the BEST MOM for your little girl. No OTHER MOM would do! Please ALWAYS remember that, pray, find a support group, when you’re down, keep on picking yourself up & going still. It’s not easy, it’s horrible, it’s scary, it’s not just inconvinient, it COULD BE a nightmare or it could be a dream come true! Which one would you like it to be? God bless!
It’s good for people to be honest and I’m glad I found this site. MOTHERHOOD ISN’T FOR EVERYONE. I got looked down upon by family and friends since I didn’t have kids (mark you I was single then). I told everyone with all honesty that I didn’t want kids. I have numerous nieces and nephews and though I love them so much, I hated being around them for more than a few days. Fast forward and here I am with a two year old. Birth control failed me, I decided to keep the baby and marry her dad. Now I feel so trapped, anxious and overwhelmed with all the responsibilities that motherhood brings. I can’t do things that I used to enjoy since I don’t have any me time. I can’t even watch TV shows I like since all she wants are cartoons. Everything I do revolves around her. We have little help since all our relatives are in another country. I love my daughter and she’s well taken care of but this is not the path I would have taken given a second chance. All I can do is love her since it’s not her fault and pray for the time when she’s more independent so I can have more time to myself. She’s only two so that’s a long way away..
I love my son, but I hate being a mother. For me, motherhood has been a thankless, monotonous, exhausting, irritating, and oppressive job. I never wanted children, but I buckled into my husband’s desire to have a child and became pregnant at age 39. My husband has a romantic view of children and parenthood. He strongly believes that a life without children isn’t fulfilling. I agreed to get pregnant after much debate and regarded the decision as a compromise to keep contentment in the marriage. I should have listened to my gut instincts because I am not well suited to parenthood. I never enjoyed spending time around kids or playing with kids. Children, especially the out of control varieties, irritate me. The well behaved children bore me to tears. Motherhood hasn’t changed these feelings. Pregnancy was miserable and depressing. Motherhood feels like a prison sentence. I can’t wait until I am paroled when my son turns 18 and hopefully goes far away to college. I am blessed with a supportive, loving husband. But despite his best intentions, most of the parenting and household responsibilities fall on my shoulders. I am currently searching for full time work and cannot wait to put my son in daycare or with a nanny. My husband wants me to be a stay at home mom until our son starts school, but I cannot tolerate another 2 years of a childcentric existence without becoming nuttier than a fruitcake. Motherhood seems to be causing my IQ to drop with rapid speed. I expect to become a drooling, blathering idiot if I don’t return to the real world soon and get some of elements of my former life back. To make matters worse, my smothering in-laws, who pre-baby demanded tons of time and attention, have intensified the guilt trips to “spend time together” ever sense the baby enter the picture. Weekly visits with the in laws have evolved into visits 4 or more times a week. MIL has tons of parenting expertise that I don’t need or want to hear. She is spoiling my son with buying him crap on a daily basis that he doesn’t need and uses it as an excuse to “stop by and see the baby”. I recently returned a cartload of unnecessary crap to Toys R Us and Baby Gap and used the cash to buy two pairs of sexy boots and a bottle of perfume. This experience was the highlight of my year.
I feel like every day I am just surviving. I have 2 boys – 5 and 3. And I also have a 9 month old baby girl. My 5 year old son has been hell on wheels pretty much from day 1. He just started Kindergarten this year and I LOVE being able to drop him off and basically say SEE YA! until 3:00 pm – I have been waiting years to be able to do this. But, unfortunately, he only goes twice per week. Next year, he will be gone every day and I CAN’T WAIT. The stress and anxiety I experience as a mother is SO OVERWHELMING. I am so tired of cleaning up messes, breaking up fights, listening to whining, etc, etc, etc. I feel like a prisoner in my own home and this is why…….I am at home all the time with my children and I can never relax and I can also never get anything accomplished. Prison! Seriously. I try so hard not to complain to family and friends because I know they are just thinking that I should never have had 3 kids – I made my bed and now I can lie in it. I have so much pain inside my heart and mind.
No offense, but why did you thave 3 kids? I would have stopped at 1 child.
I bet your son is just a miserable being around you. You’re a debbie downer. I know motherhood can be hard, but it just seems to me that you are selfish. You don’t want the responsiblity. It might have been better for everyone if you didn’t have any children. Too late now. You poor son will have to be around a mother who doesn’t enjoy his company. The only thing that is keeping your son happy is the visit from the inlaws. They actually want to spend time with him. Get him nice things…if you don’t take them back to get sluty clothes etc. Why don’t you try thinking about your son instead of yourself.
Wow Gianna, I am so grateful for stumbling into your post. I have read some different views, but yours is somewhat identical to my most sincere sentiments regarding motherhood. I never wanted to be a mother. I have never been fond of children. I will be 31 this year, my daughter will be 15 & my son will be 10. Before I was raising them, I had to practically raise 4 siblings beneath me & ironically my mother as well. I am not sure of your race, but as a Black Women, I have always been taught that it is my responsibility to make the most of whatever circumstances that are thrown my way. I have always been called “Mary Poppins” for how “perfect” of a mother I have always strive to be but the pressure has caught up with me. I have always put others before me & now that I have discovered I am somebody, being a mother has become that much more difficult. My daughter has tons of problems and I can’t help but to feel like I caused them by just trying to rush them to 18 so they can live their life. I never felt (and still don’t) that I have what it takes to be a warm fuzzy girly girl mother. In a nutshell, I am grateful to read about others battling the lack of joy in motherhood in a raw & explicit manner. Reading your story has allowed me to exhale some. I really appreciated seeing that even with your husband there you still feel this way bc many are quick to say it’s because I am a single mother etc. NO, it’s because I GENUINELY HATE BEING A MOTHER.
Your job doesn’t necesarily end when child is 18, my mom still looks after my siblings who have mental, health problems.
Wow! Just WOW! I’m speechless. And so eternally grateful. Grateful, that is, for so many honest women who are willing to share their true feelings. God bless you all! I’m a 39 y-o fence sitter, and it’s so true that we’re constantly being spoon-fed a bunch of rosy lil’ lies from the ‘Cult of Motherhood’…society’s “optimists” who refuse to admit to anything they find undesireable about parenting, for fear that it represents a rejection of their old child(ren).
My hubby and I have only been married for 2.5 years. He has a 13 y-o from his first marriage, but I came to the marriage childless (or shall I say ‘childfree’?!?!) Obviously time is not on my side, but I can’t help but to admit that I have this huge maternal ambivalence that won’t quit. Some days, I’m in love with the idea of having a child (yes, I’m admitting that it’s the IDEA I’m more enamored with). But other days, I thank the good Lord that I have no children of my own! I know they’re a blessing from God, but I’m definitely one of those who enjoys her freedom and independence to much, so it scares me imagine having someone else latched on to me for 18 years or more. I’d be pushing/past 60 before the child(ren) reached a level of independence…and that’s under ‘normal’ circumstances.
Admittedly, I do have some fertility issues, but my fert. specialist has so much as said that it’s an easy fix. My egg count/quality is still very good so it’s not like there are no chances. But what does it say about me that after getting my count tested, that I’ve not returned to do the simple surgery he wants to do to “fix” things. I think in my heart of hearts, I don’t want kids that badly, and it would devastate me if I just had them for my husband (he wants more kids) and then found out that I just didn’t enjoy motherhood. And at my age, Heaven forbid if they weren’t normal! Heck, normal kids are demanding enough. I don’t know what I’d do if I ended up with a physically or mentally challenged child!
And I’ve been fortunate to have several women (mothers) in my life to be honest. Most were single mothers, so I’m sure the struggle is even much greater for them, but some have said flat out: “GIRRRRRRL, DON’T DO IT!” Add that to the fact that my stepson, as sweet as he is sometimes, poses the same challenge for me as some of your bio kids do for you. Hubby’s the custodial parent so SS is with us about 70% of the time. I find myself staying at work late or going to the library when I get off so I can shorten the time between getting home and his bedtime. And this is a kid that’s pretty independent. But I feel smothered! Not to mention he’s one of those who feels like he has to report back to his mom whatever he sees and hears in our home, so it’s like I live under surveillance when he’s there. I try to have fun with him and take him out for 1-on-1 outings occasionally, but it’s difficult feeling like I have to censor my words and actions around here. Our town is not a huge one, and I don’t need my business taken to his mother’s house – and subsequently, all over town. So I find myself longing for the 2 weekends and one-week-a-month that he goes to his moms! I cherish the time that I have with just me and hubby and my goodness, after reading you gals’ accounts, I realize just how much even a child of my own would cut into my marriage.
But I LOVE kids to life! Always have! I’ve been working with kids since before I could drive, but somehow still feel as though I’m not cut out to do it on a permanent basis! I dunno, sometimes I feel like my ‘calling’ is more like that of the “Village Mother.” Some of you may know what I’m talking about: that woman in your family, community, church, etc. who’s always nurturing everybody else’s kids but never had her own. Kids love her and she them and she’s that “other mother” figure that gives frazzled parents a break. That’s been my life for a long time. I fawn over other people’s kids (I’ve affectionately termed them OPK’s) and they fawn over me. I mean, I’ve had kids who don’t know me from Adam’s house cat who are just drawn to me. At church, with family’s kids, in public…it’s almost akin to the Dr. Doolittle relationship with animals. :-) We just understand each other! It’s the sweetest thing. But somehow I think I’d feel suffocated – as several women mentioned – if hubby and I were to have our own! I’ve been a F/T nanny, a daycare teacher, children’s ministry teacher, currently teach Sunday School at the church my husband pastors, regularly take in my siblings and in-laws’ kids. And when we’re together, I can’t imagine life without them! They are SO very dear to me. But they all go home at the appointed hour!!! And maybe that’s why I’m able to enjoy them so much.
It doesn’t help that I have control issues (confirmed by 2 separate counselors) and a split personality. Kids born to overly controlling parents don’t always fare well. Yes, I worry about whether I’d ruin/confuse a child with my temperament. And if I’m just downright honest, much of it is that I’m a creative and free-spirited being. As a writer, actor, music, singer, songwriter…I just feel like I have so much more to offer the world than to be tied down with my own brood. (Sorry if that sounds rude.) It’s like I feel like my ultimate destiny is to affect lives on a wide scale…not just for my own offspring. I know that may sound selfish, but it’s just how I feel.
But still, somehow reading these stories makes my heart cry for you ladies. Not that you need pity. But I just pray that you’ll find strength to endure and that somewhere along your motherhood journey, things will improve and you’ll find more of the enjoyment in it that many of you regret not having. If I had the money and life were perfect, I’d build a really, REALLY nice state-of-the-art boarding school/children’s home that people could get education/tax vouchers to send their kids to. It would house kids all the way from infancy to 18, and parents who were struggling could bring their kids and leave them for a semester…or two…or a couple years – WITHOUT being judged and without be vilified! We’d have a top-notch staff of nurturing, doting “Village Mothers” who’d love your kids, engage them and give them a quality education. And the best thing is, you could visit but still be able to let them board until you felt ready to give them the mommy they needed. And for those who never felt ready, they could quietly sign over their parental rights. Or not. And it would just be OK. I know it sounds like a pipe dream, but building a children’s home has long been looming in my heart.
I’ve worked as a journalist and every time we had a break a story of another parent killing their child(ren), it tore me to pieces. And I always said that we have to do better about being our brothers/sisters keepers. I agree with the poster who said that it’s not meant for parents to do it all along. Indeed it takes a village, and when I read some of your stories, I wish to God I could somehow come help be a part of your village so you could get a break…for however long you need one.
My thoughts and prayers are with you all.
Dear No Way,
Maybe you should have thought of the demands of motherhood while you where having sex. DUH
Jenny,
Having sex does NOT mean someone wants to have a baby. Motherhood DOES suck. No way is expressing how she feels and she’s not the only mother with those feelings. If more women were as honest as she is, a lot of other women wouldn’t have children and have a bad experience. Now DUH that!!!
A person who knows the way the world works, wouldn’t have made such a black and white answer.
oh shut up, Jenny, the point of this confession is that most women are sold a lie about the wonders of motherhood and some discover that they don’t enjoy the experience and it is much more negative than advertised. “you should have thought of [that]” is you trying to silence people. knock it off.
Jenny, this is NOT the place to condemn those that have built the courage to express these difficult feelings. People like you are the reason these sights are sought out instead of talking to a friend etc. Did it ever occur to your judgmental unrealistic self that all of us are at least trying to do what’s best for our child(ren)? With your readily DUH, this site may have stopped a mother from killing a child or anything. It is the ignorant insensitivity that people like you JENNY that give me the courage to be a better me because the truth is you are probably dealing with far worse demons than any of us. If you do not have anything constructively encouraging to offer… stay offline & plug back into a better setting for your intelligence such as the televison… Peace.
I hate being a mother, too. I take care of my baby because I have to. I never wanted kids. I always saw mothers struggling and thought, man I don’t want that life. And, now here I am in it and its a nightmare. Like most men, my husband doesn’t do much, if anything, for baby care. I have to do and plan for everything. He’s also frustrated with me with my postpartum depression, so now we’re not even talking. I wish we’d never had a baby because it has literally ruined my once happy marriage and basically every other aspect of my life. I feel bad for the baby because she’s fairly happy and she has these two miserable parents. Now I understand why people with kids get divorced. My baby is only 6 months old. I was so happy during my pregnancy, but since she’s been born I’m literally living in hell and there is no escape. I wish I could disappear or turn back time and never have had her. She was conceived after id been off the pill for several years, so I thought I wasn’t able to have kids. I wish it had been the case. I can’t do anything anymore. Not to mention the hell it is when the baby is sick. Being a mom is awful and I don’t know why people have more than one. I can’t wait until she’s grown and gone from my life. I’m a horrible person and I’m probably going to hell.
if you are longing for your child to be gone away at 18….. guess what they already are. Children “read” their parents and know what is going on.
So the hell you started for your child and yourself is already at work. Its not going to come. It already is here.
Tori,
You’re not a horrible person. You’re just honest. I hate being a mother as well. I regret having a baby everyday. My son is 9 now but it hasn’t gotten any better. Everything is on me, cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, after school and weekend activities, discipline, buying clothes and shoes, haircuts, and list goes on and on. It is the worst thing I’ve ever done. Before having him, I didn’t believe in abortions. I always believed in woman’s right to choose. Now if I ever get pregnant again, I will run to the abortion clinic!!
We should not use a abortion as a form of birth control. you can just use birth control because abortion is murder. I know God forgives for sin. But it’s better to not get pregnant in the 1st place.
Wow is it that bad?!I don’t have any kids. People try to convince me that I am missing out on something.
I’m so sorry no way. My prayers and thoughts go out to you.
I too hate motherhood. Love my children just the everyday stuff is so difficult especially in this economy.
I stumbled upon your post while looking for other moms who hate being a stay at home mom. I am the opposite and got pregnant at 20 by a druggie. I am now married to an amazing man who loves her like his own and we now have a newborn together. It is hard and notnwhat I would have wanted with my life. But God knows what we can handle…I just wish he didn’t trust me so much. Good luck to your and I will be praying for you
i have a kid who is autistic and would give anything to have a normal child.
must be hard.
I trust you will find happiness one way or another.
I have a 11 year old son with Autism also. I understand the constant worry of ‘will my son ever be able to live on his own’ and ‘will the school treat him fair’ and it is exhausting.
My thoughts are with you.
Listen to this song
Away From Me – Evanescence. Describes the situation of most of you. Spread the truth out of this site so less unwanted people are brought into the world
I really hate it too. I feel like I have completely lost any thing that was me. I never imagined having children and puting myself aside for my husband’s career would make me feel this bad. I feel guilty for feeling this way but there you have it. Anyway, you’re not alone.
actually i put it to you you are not having a life of your own.
The child is just an extra reason not to own up having to account for anything on your own.
people like yall make me sick. i can’t have kids and i am helping to raise my bestfriend’ daughter since she was a born. her real dad is jerk off loser that never sees her. i enjoy every minute of it. the yelling, the pouting, the laughs, thecries, the fits, the hugs. she is the most precious and beautiful thing in the world. people like yall are the reason they should require licenses to be a parent.
How dare you tell other people how to feel about being a parent! If being a parent sucks, at least there are honest people out there that are truthful about their experience with raising children. It’s great that you enjoy helping your friend raise her child, but that doesn’t mean everyone else in the world will get that same enjoyment from taking care of a child. You need to stop being so narrow-minded and understand that many people struggle with the decision to become a parent. And you’re right, everyone shouldn’t become a parent.
I actually agree that we should have to take some sort of class or test to become a parent. Maybe more of us would go in with our eyes open or decide not to have children at all.
BUT many of the women on here have young children and are suffering from some level of PPD whether they want to admit it or not. Since you can’t have your own children (I am sorry you can’t) then you can’t compare your situation.
I truly believe the hormones are crazy! FOR YEARS! I have been much happier the past year or two, but as recently as last month (my youngest is 5) I could feel a shift in my hormones again (for the better). I was scared I was pregnant again because the only time I have been this at peace is when I have been pregnant. And that’s because of my hormones changing during that time! Thankfully I think it’s just cause I am getting old, but I am very grateful for the shift.
Parenthood has become easier for me with time. But I will never forget how hard those first few years were and how I sometimes struggle to be a happy Mom even now. I still don’t feel like it was something I was cut out for, but I love my kids and I have found ways to adapt and things that work for me.
It’s a shame you can’t have kids, since it sounds like you want them. However, as much as you want kids, some people equally do NOT want kids. Both choices are completely valid. Quit being so judgemental.
Everyone has a right to voice an opinion, however I’m curious how you found yourself on a ‘I hate being a mom’, board?
We always want what we don’t have until we get it and everything that comes along with it. I wish I couldn’t have children then I wouldn’t have to go through surgery and the possible complications just to prevent an unwanted pregnancy. Now that I have a child and have raised her for 15 years I wish more and more that I wasn’t able to have children. All the lying, not going to class, suspension from school every two weeks, report cards full of E’s, staying out pass curfew, attitude, and on and on. There are some good things about her I suppose but I’d have to dig real deep to find them. I have friends who tell me stories of their child stealing their car, their money, breaking into their house, using drugs, etc. And then there are the good ones- the ones who obey your rules, want to make something of themselves, are helpful, stay out of trouble, etc. I wish there was a child trade-in program, and then maybe my attitude toward children would be different. Yes, children are a blessing, but this BS isn’t. Is this why there are no manuals about raising children except the good stuff? If you had a whiff of this, you’d never do it. I know I wouldn’t have. The things I have and do sacrifice for this child are not worth the crap I have to put up with. I wish I could get away.
…And people like “yall” should quit being so egocentric and judgmental and realize that not everyone seeings life the same way you do.
Word Ms I can’t have kids so everyone that was able to but is having difficulty adjusting is a loser? ppl that are honest and seeking to find a way to improve their situation starting with be honest about it and yeah venting… those ppl make you sick… you already sound like a bad influence for children…
Why do they make you sick? They are being honest and I appreciate it. I don’t have kids and I feel the same way when I am around children. By the way, kids are not always the most beautiful thing in the world. YOu know they grow up to be murderers, drug addicts, etc.
Maybe it would be in all of your children’s best interests if you all just walked away from them. Children can tell and feel hatred and animosity, and from what everyone is saying it seems like that’s what everyone is feeling. So you don’t get to travel and hang out with your old friends anymore, or the dad is a loser. It’s not your child’s fault yet unfortunately the child is the one that has to spend 18 years of its life suffering because of the crap parent(s) it got dealt. Grow up, stop acting like your life is so horrible and miserable, and be a parent that your child deserves.
And before anyone jumps down my throat about how I don’t have kids or how I gave nothing up: yes I did. I found out I was pregnant half way through training as a paramedic. I had to do my last clinical 9.5 months pregnant. I worked on an ambulance until my 9th month. I had to give up an overseas paramedic position making 6 figures and I’m living in a state I hate. But I wouldn’t change one thing. Now that I’m a mom I couldn’t imagine being anything else. I’m a full time mom and a full time paramedic.
Hip hip hooray!!! You love being a mom. There are many of us who don’t like it. That’s not to say that we don’t take care of our children. My son’s needs and most of his wants are met. He has more than a child from a two parent household. It is an unenjoyable situation. I have a stable household, income, and career as well. I finished my Bachelor’s and Masters degree after my son was born. I still don’t like being a mother!
Lady DC I respect you for being honest. I don’t have kids. I am pushing 40 years old. I just don’t like being around babies/kids too long. I am nice to my friend’s kids. But they aren’t mine. I don’t have the financial burden of taking care of them. So I am not stressed like my friends. However, if I had my own I think I’d be depressed, seriously! It is just way too much responsibility! All of my money would be gone because children constantly want something.
You must have a lot of time on your hands to be a full time everything. They let you take your kid in the ambulance?
Unfortunately, the law sees walking away from your children as child abandonment and you can find yourself in legal trouble for that. You say that the children suffer for 18 years, what about the parent(s)? The children can feel hatred and animosity- what about the parent(s)? I feel that my daughter dislikes me but why won’t she leave. Her father and I aren’t together so she could go live with him? I won’t be sad. What I wouldn’t give to not have to deal with constant attitude, the school call me about my daughter’s behavior, walking the hall, skipping class, having to call the police because I have no idea where she is in over 24 hours, called by the police because she’s been picked up for truancy, failing every class in school for the second year of high school. For me, parenting is stressful and frustrating. I’m ready to wave the white flag. I accept my failure and want out. I have no idea what type of parent she deserves, maybe a warden, or a drill sargeant? I really don’t feel that I am qualified for this job. I can’t even get fired.
Good for you that you are making the best of your life; I pray that you don’t endure any stresses or frustrations, worries, etc. from your child.
How hard is it to understand that just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean you’re miserable at it. I hate being a parent sometimes, but that doesn’t make me a bad parent. I had the best mom in the world all throughout my childhood only to discover as an adult that my mom hated 90% of motherhood duties. That doesn’t mean she hated me, just the job. I completely understand that now. Just because I sometimes hate being a parent doesn’t mean I don’t love my kids, nor does it mean they have a miserable life because they can sense my frustration at times. They have a great life and are both well-adjusted teenagers and I have no qualms telling them about the harsh reality of parenthood. I certainly don’t want any pregnant teenagers because they believed in the fairytale facade of motherhood. Kids can still grow into healthy adults even when exposed to the truth. They can know they are loved but also how difficult it is to be a parent, and imo, they should know both aspects so they can gain an appreciation and respect for their parents. With all the parents allowing their kids to live in a bubble and sheltering them from unpleasant realities often leads to kids becoming self-centered and unappreciative of their elders, because in their minds, “mom/dad LOVE sacrificing their entire lives for me, so there’s no need for me to consider their feelings”.
If you don’t like people sharing their feelings toward motherhood, then quit wasting your time here judging others.
This is, probably, somewhat offtopic.
I have no children and I don’t know if I’ll ever have them (I’m in my late 20s). In my case, I masquerade as childfree and happy but, deep down, I’m full of doubts. Why do I do this? Because there are some reproductive issues… I’m not sure I’ll ever be ABLE to conceive even if I finally decide I want to, and I suppose I want to give the impression that not only I do not care, but I’m actively NOT wanting kids.
I must confess that I read this thread to get to know the negative side, and the doubts you can still have when you’ve already become a mother. I read your stories and I’m ambivalent the whole time: I feel for you because you have stressful and unhappy moments which seem to last forever, and yet I envy you. I just can’t help it. I keep reading and being more and more confused.
I feel like life is rarely fulfilling for anybody, childfree/childless or not. I hope I’m wrong.
people are different.
You probably wont find happiness without a child. Dont listen to everyone else. listen to yourself.
I love the honesty of some of the women here. How dare others discriminate against us for speaking out against motherhood? It is not for everyone and those of us who hate it, but still do it because we love our children, should not get judged for the way we feel. You can’t change how you feel about some things. No matter what I do I can’t MAKE myself enjoy being a mother. There are those times when I am happy because I see my child happy but for the majority I just feel like I want to run away. I can’t though…and neither can these women. So we’re doing our children right by sacrificing our lives, our freedom, our sanity, our dignity, and our identities to provide the best lives we can for them. We are better because unlike many women.. we will not abandon our children, we will not make them suffer, but we will suffer in silence until we have a chance to be free again. So places like this.. will be our outlets. We can’t talk about it openly or we are persecuted for hour honesty. We say we “hate being a mother” and people HEAR “we hate our children”.. not the case. Some of us were just never meant to be mothers and through all kinds of different circumstances.. we did it anyways. My pregnancy was totally planned and I thought it was a good idea at the time. I even thought everything through beforehand..I spent months thinking it over before even attempting to become pregnant.. but even after thinking and planning I was in no way prepared for motherhood. Nobody tells you the negatives before you get pregnant.. they convince you it’s a wonderful idea and you will love it..even after you have one and proclaim to the world you will NOT have any more because it’s “NOT your thing”.. you have these jerks trying to say..”Oh you MUST have atleast two!.. That way they will keep each other company!” I think it’s a secret shared among parents with multiple children.. they’re miserable so they want you to be too. They just don’t have the balls to admit they’re not perfectly happy. I have no problem saying it openly but.. due to the prospect of losing friends and family over my feelings I have to keep these feelings to myself and it sucks. Especially since those who rant about how they love motherhood are allowed to speak their minds because it’s “politically correct” and socially acceptable. They make me want to puke. Glad this place is here for people like me to be able to express our feelings and realize we’re not alone.
I could have written everything you just said. Bravo! Especially the distinction between hating your children and hating motherhood. I can (and do!) love my son and do a good job caring for him, and at the same time wish I never had him. I also wish that we could talk like this with people IRL and not just anonymously online…maybe someday.
Trinity,
I totally agree with your post!!
This is the best post I’ve read so far. I agree with everything that you posted. Glad to know that I’m not alone.
I respect you for being honest. I appreciate the moms who are honest. It makes me think twice about making such a huge decision.
you women are so lucky to even have the chance to get pregnant! i am a 19 year women with NO chance at ever being a bio mommy! god gave us this gift and your complaining is ludicrous! children are gift yes they are frustrating at times but they will someday be just like you and I god i hope they’re more like me than you. you people obviously cant appreciate the fact that being a mommy is what women where put here to do!
Boy, do I pity you. Listen to yourself; could you be anymore self-castigating? Women were put here to have children? Can you even imagine anybody making the same claim for MEN? (And what must you think of yourself, if you can’t fulfill your “only purpose”?)
Before you spew your nonsense about setting women back 50 years, here’s something to consider:
If you think caring for a child is so important, why aren’t you thrilled at the grand opportunity to adopt multiple children? I’ve often wondered why people who spend a gazillion dollars trying to get pregnant don’t save a child or two from the foster care system. Or all those people that continuously fight against abortion – why aren’t they adopting tons of children?
Oh right, because you don’t care that much about kids. You just want to attack the women on this thread. Well, given your inflammatory/judgmental post, don’t expect any sympathy.
Obviously women weren’t put here to just have children because you can’t. Does that mean you’re not a woman? No it does not!! Don’t judge us because we hat motherhood. You just think it’s so wonderful because you don’t have your own. Count yourself blessed. You can always adopt if you really want children.
You’re barely an adult with no chance of being a mother and yet you still speak as if you know it all about raising children…to women who have actually been there. You’d better be glad you have YOUR gift (and somewhere down the road you’ll see what I mean), because otherwise by now you would have definitely trapped yourself with one (and likely another on the way) with all that parental knowledge we all seemed to have at age 19. It’s different once the baby is born, and you realize you know nothing and are in even less of a place to judge.
I accept that reproducing may be one of the things I was created to do, but you can’t convince me that putting up with BS is my calling. If women were created to be mothers then why are there so many barren women? All I want is peace, and I’ve found that’s impossible with my child. I don’t even care for children all that much. This job is way too stressful for me. Most times I let my daughter sleep until 3:00 or 4:00 in the afternoon because once she gets up my pleasant day will turn sour. I hope she turns out like her since God gave her the life that she is supposed to live. Maybe she’ll want children, maybe not. I’ve already told her that if she has children and they give her grief don’t call me because I will be of no solace to her. She’ll be getting her just desserts.
Oh get off your high horse! You haven’t experienced it so how do you know you wouldn’t feel the same? Women were NOT put here to be mommies, get out of the 1950s!! It’s judgemental and ignorant people like you who propogate the myth that being a mom is the most rewarding path in the world. For some women that may be true but women need to be told that there are oher paths available and not that their purpose is to procreate.
lol, are you serious? They’re complaining because being a mother SUCKS. They aren’t “lucky” to have the chance to get pregnant, because as it turns out, that thing you want so very very much isn’t anything like what it’s cracked up to be. Do you know how many people would LOVE to be in your shoes, knowing they would never have to deal with an unexpected pregnancy?
“What women were put here to do” – that’s disgusting sexism. You should be ashamed of yourself.
nope sorry being a mommy is not my sole point in life
I’m guessing you’re a religious person and by no means I’m bashing you for it. I’m sorry you can’t have babies of your own, but I wasn’t put on this earth to have children, so I never will.
Not everyone shares your belief that women were put on this earth solely to reproduce. Some believe we have other capabilities. Not everyone believes in god either, so it’s unhelpful for you to judge others. Perhaps an infertility support forum would be a better fit for you.
Holy cow, what’s this obsession with god?? God has nothing to do with procreation or non-procreation. It is a biological function. Get with it.
@Anonymous Two
Thank you for putting that straight. I’m sick and tired of hearing “children are a gift from God” – if anyone really believed this nonsense they should never use contraception, since it’s all God’s will. Hell, just makes me aggressive reading this BS.
Thank you so much for all your honesty. It is perfectly fine in my opinion to feel the way you do, I think it’s the toughest job in the universe but unfortunately everybody takes it for granted and the media make it look like it’s a piece of cake.
I believe you are helping so many people with your comments, you are helping other Moms in the same situation so they won’t feel that they alone and are horrible monsters for feeling that way, women (and men) who are still on the fence to make up their mind and last but not least women who maybe wanted kids but for whatever reason couldn’t, to make them understand that maybe it was a blessing they didn’t have kids. So THANKS.
I feel your pain all of you. Does any else find that the teenage years are the worst? And feel like you spent all this time giving them things and love, food, clothes on their back etc. And now they want nothing to do with you. I disciplined them but yet they sneak out, talk back. It is a nightmare
they are growing up.
at teenage think more on enhancing their independence not curtailing it.
If you dont know that you will learn how
hard it is to climb a waterfall.
Yes! Yes! Yes! -teenage years are the worst so far. A nightmare is an understatement.
“It must take incredible strength and come from a very deep place to finally google “I hate being a Mom” to try to find some support from others who just might feel the same way”
Someone wrote this a in a post quite some time ago and it is true, because I was shocked to find this site when I googled this very subjuect.
I have a 7.5 month old, LOVE LOVE LOVE hime, but I really can’t stand being a mother. I think I would feel differently if I had some help (my husband is really good, but he’s at work all day, and baby is in bed by the time he gets home). I moved from my native country and had a baby without any support from family or friends. No one visits, and the only people who call are people from back come who obviously can’t just jump in the car and drive across the Atlantic Ocean. I’m sick of being along at home all day, day after day with a child who doesn’t nap well, and doesn’t sleep at night well. By not well, I mean a child who has been waking up crying a MINIMUM of 4-5 times a night. Getting on to 8 months later and I really can’t understand why I did this to myself. I had a great job, had friends (who have disappeared from my life since baby was born), had a life, could think straight, could cook dinner with some thought….and now, I barely have the brainwaves to remember to check the mail everyday. I think I would hate all of this much less if I had had this child where I’m from with support of grandparents and other family and friends. Even just to come over and cheer my up…that would be enough.
Playgroups and antenatal friends just don’t cut it.
And you know, the husband just really has no clue what it’s like to spend your every waking moment with a baby. He wonders why I’m in a bad mood all the time. We haven’t had sex since baby was born (well once, but I can’t say that it counted).
I keep thinking I should send myself on a little 3 or 4 day vacation somewhere and leave baby with my husband so he can have a taste of what I have to go through…but then I think, how selfish of me…and it would be. Not only that, but I would miss my son terribly and I know he would miss me too…
Oh my God; I could have written that post myself, the only difference is that I work full time so I get a little break. I’m also from another country, so I can relate to every single thing you are going through. When am not working or grocery shopping, am taking care of her. Hopefully it’ll get better as they get older and more independent; right now she’s so clingy and has bad temper tantrums, really embarrassing! She turned two last November
My son will be 9 in december and i hate being his mother i cant stand the way he treats me or my husband i guess the only way to get away from it is to get a divorce but i have never believed in that so its not somethi g i can do. I cant stand being a mom at all clean cook go here go there all for someone who does t appreciate me or give me respect why would i want to do that for anyone. I love my son but dont like him one bit. I sometimes wish i never had him. Which sounds so aweful to say but its how i feel he is draging me down i want to bet the crap out of him but instead i fi d myself screamng at him. It makes me cry even putting this out there for anyone else to read but these are my true thoughts and emotions why do i feel like this why do i think rhis way??
I can sympathize with you totally. I love my 15 year old daughter, but I do not like her. I actually enjoy my day when she’s not around me. She looks like me and her father so I guess they didn’t give me the wrong child at the hospital; this can’t be my child- I want to wake up from this nightmare! She’s disrespectful, ungrateful, always has an attitude, has severe behavior problems, school is a joke to her (second time in ninth grade and failing again), and the list goes on and on. I feel like she is a demon seed, not my child. The children’s actions make us react in a way that we wish we didn’t have to. It’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, you are human and want and deserve to be treated well by everyone, our children are no exception. Why should they get the privilege of treating us bad but we don’t put up with it from anyone else?
I love my 15 year old daughter, but I do not like her.
you messing your daughter big time with all this conditional loving.
I hate being a mother. She is now 17 and I know teens can be hard, but I’ve hated it since she was born. I couldn’t wait til she could walk, talk, dress herself, cook for herself and now I can’t wait until she’s 18. I am counting down the days. She treats me like her father who was an abusive, cheating drunk. I walk around like a zombie planning my escape in 10 months. I can’t wait and I don’t care what my family thinks. I did my responsibility and sacraficed the last 18 years…my jail sentence will soon be over. What happens to her…I hope she does well…I did all I could but she will NOT be living with me.
Those darn teens! I am on a countdown too. I have two years and two months. I can’t wait. I hope I’m still sane by then. My 15 year old daughter is a “one-hit-wonder”. One hit(having a child) and I wonder what in the world is wrong with me mentally. Only a crazy person would volunteer to do this; and you know they’re crazy to do it more than once. I am so excited to get my tubal ligation. I feel like I’ve had one too many children, and I only have one daughter.
It’s good to know others find it very hard to be a mum, especially when you weren’t planning on it happening! But even with Birth control accidents can happen, so no one is 100% safe!
For me it’s the demands on my brain and body – it takes SO MUCH energy & SO MUCH time to care for someone else. I can only just take care of myself, so adding another person is a burden.
You can feel hard on yourself, not wanting to neglect their care, but when you’re trying to provide all their needs, you can slowly stop making sure you havet your own time out, & you wear down.
My child is over 5 and I still have days where I wish someone would take them away and I know I wouldn’t miss them for days. It would be a relief just to have quiet and do whatever. This thinking probably comes out of tiredness, boredom, exhaustion & feeling like it’s never-ending.
Parenting alone is very demanding and tough too, and there aren’t always good supports out there to help us. But at times I search out or hire help to get a break.
Today I had to pick up my child from school early, and was so irritated that my time alone would be interrupted. I think my intense reaction is nothing to do with the child, kids get sick right! Its’me that’s the problem.
My attitude is low, because I have let go of every other activity but parenting. My schedule allows some time off, but I need a bit more. And it’s up to me to make that happen, not expect everyone else to step in, which I was waiting for in the past.
My family never realise how bad it is, because we tend to pretend things are ok, no matter how bad, but that has to change. I’m starting to tell them I’m tired and need company or a break. Otherwise it just gets worse and I find I am shouting more, demanding, and physically pushing my child away. I don’t like it, that is a sign that I’m losing it.
Today I need to get some sleep, but also have asked family to help take my child overnight, which will help.
I’m considering joining a group or class to be back with adults and keep speaking up, not pretending I can do it all. I can’t.
“NO WAY” – I had trouble when I left my ex with Court and threats and it was tiring dealing with all that. I only just got through by praying and kept thinking what’s best for the child? And I fought to make sure the ex couldn’t have too much contact, because of abuse happening at those visits. It took 2 years but was worth it.
I often think I should have gone for adoption at the start, but I was too scared of what people would think of me. Now I can see being a mum has helped me grow up and learn a lot about life, that I would never know. And it’s healed some sad parts of my childhood.
There’s no easy answer, but it’s good to share the secret, it might help me and give me hope.
Yesterday I thought oh ‘x’ number of years till 18, yay! But in some ways thinking like that makes it worse, because you feel trapped.
One day at a time I can manage, 18 years – sounds too much. It’s about making a plan – to get time away from mummying, to have fun, mix with good people, break the boredom & I will feel better.
“GIANNA” Your MIL – instead of her just coming around can you ask her to watch the baby while you go out for an hour, then you don’t have to listen and you get a little break?? Either she’ll be happy or she’ll stop visiting so much.
Some people swap roles and the husband stays home to raise the kids while the wife earns the money. Not sure if that’s possible for you, but sounds like you need a break!!
I saw an Oprah’s lifeclass (on her site) about not letting your child be an excuse to stop living or dreaming. Fit them into the dream.
Sorry for rambling, just had to get it all out! Thanks
Ha, that’s easy for Oprah to say…you can fit anyone into anything if you have her money…
that the mistake women on this website are making. They want money and toys to mother their children.
oprah having money or not is neither here nor there in the equation of parenting.
Yesterday I thought oh ‘x’ number of years till 18, yay!
what are you intending to do at 18 that you havent done already? kick the child out of home.being looser parent is easy.
People assume that mothering is something that everyone woman wants to do. Maybe if we didn’t get so far away from the village. It would be so much better if we all knew that there would be a real support system. Not one in spirit but people physically there. My mother was distanced from me when I was little. But when I became a teenager she started to act more like a parent. Maybe you will be happier when your offsprings are more independent. Now that I’m and adult she talks to more than anyone because she likes me now.
both of you should give your children up,they would be better off with out you and you with out them,run away and leave them while they are safe!!!
I have 2 children. My oldest I had at 22 and he was unplanned and unwanted. I felt I had to have him because his father is a really wonderful man and I did not want an abortion to rupture our relationship. We got married and later decided, stupidly to have another because I did not want my eldest to be a lonely only child like my husband and I were. I find that I have had to change my whole life in a direction which I hate. I hate being mother, I hate staying home to watch them, I hate having to sacrifice my happiness for their, and I just want to run away. The only issue is that I truly love my husband and I don’t want to leave him. I feel so stupid for making the same mistake twice. I love my children but I wish I never had them. I am becoming so apathetic to life because I feel like it’s not what I want. I don’t know what to do. I feel so trapped.
I too hate with all my heart and soul being a mother. I can not tell you how many times, I have thought about hanging myself in the bathroom with my husbands belt. I hate him and I hate them (the kids that is). I am sorry, but that is just how I feel. If I win the lottery, I swear I’m going to secretly cash in and leave him with all of them. This was the worst decision I ever made in my whole life, but I was young with an older man with nowhere to go and no job and wanted to make him happy so I wouldn’t end up on the street. In our first year I was secretly on birth control. He found them and flipped, had a freaking fit. I acted like I was pouring them out, hid them and he found them again. I should have took my chances and hauled ass, but NOOO, scary me said wth, motherhood shouldn’t be that bad. Gave him one prayed I wouldn’t have another before I finished that prayer I was pregnant with a second. I have hated myself and my life every since. Still a loser with no job and stuck right under his thumb as he planned. Now strapped down with 4 kids actually 5 cause he sucks worse than the kids, I have been so depressed that I am sure it is killing me. I am spiritually already dead. I don’t know what it is like to be happy anymore, don’t feel it anymore. I hate my life. I resent me, him, them, this. God why me!? Why couldn’t I have been barren and just adopted a couple of dogs instead? WHY!?
Hi everyone
I read about this forum on another website and I decided to check it out. I am CF, so I cannot understand your struggles, but I am so glad that you all have found a place to vent your frustrations. Being a parent is hard and this conspiracy of silence and the false idea that having a child should be all you need in this world to be happy is doing a great disservice to people. I see the crushing guilt some of you feel for having these feelings and I know it is easier said than done, but try not to feel so guilty…it is clear many of you on here truly love your children, but this job is damn hard. It is okay to feel the way you do, it is natural I think. Viewing it in that manner may eliminate some of the tension you feel. While I think having children can bring many joys and unique experiences you cannot have otherwise, I gave deep thought to all aspects of it, not just the amazing Kodak moments and I just knew in my gut that it was not the right choice for me. While I hate to see anyone in pain or experiencing unhappiness in his or her life, seeing what you all have wrote here has helped me confirm that I am making the right decision by honoring my intuition and I thank you for your honesty. I only hope that all of you struggling with your choice to have children can learn to make peace with it and rejuvenate the other layers of your identity that have nothing to do with being a mother or a father, parts of you that are equally valid. Parts of you that you have every right to express and nurture.
I have no children, because I know that I can’t handle the responsibility of having children. This website confirms it. I do have this to say to the mothers on this forum: Please, please give yourselves some credit. You’re doing the hardest, longest, most thankless job that anybody could ever do. If there were any other job where you were spit on, fussed at, had to deal with both literal and figurative crap, and expected to do so with a smile on your face and perfect tolerance, it would be unrealistic.
I have struggled with Motherhood since the day I found out I was pregnant. I was devistated!! Here I was Happily married for 8 years, never ever wanting to have kids, then BAM!! Positive pregnancy test, What?? I took 5 that day. I was at work and they were readily available to me. DAMNIT!!
Having a child has Changed EVERYTHING, from the way I lived my life to the way I loved my husband. It is soooo shitty! I Hate being a mom, I was a really good wife, now I hate being that too. To be responsible for someone else all the time, drives me CRAZY. Motherhood is neither rewarding or fun. I am not insane for thinking this way, I want my life back, my awesome carefree life with no commitments or worries. Why does being a mom come with so many worries? What the hell!! I too feel like this is a jail sentence, I am in lock down 24/7 for the rest of my life.
I love my kids..I really, really do. But I hate being a mom. I am sick of saying “no” “stop” “don’t do that” “stop hitting each other” “get out of my room” “get out of my stuff” “get dressed” “get in the car” “get out of my way” “stop touching me” “go to bed”. I am sick of hearing “mom” “mom” “can I..” “pay attention” “look”. I try and retreat to my bedroom but they learned to pick the lock on door. I try to go to friends’ houses and end up getting called a thousand times over nothing. I wish for just once I could go to the f-n store by myself. I wish they would behave in the damn store. My life revolves around them…I look forward to them turning 18 so I can finally be free and have me time. I really hate other people’s kids. I hate seeing pictures of them, hearing about them, having them dragged to my house where they along with mine destroy my house. I can not stand pregnant women who have no idea what they are getting into. Speaking of pregnant women I was a horrible pregnant woman. I hated everyday of pregnancy. You can’t drink, you can’t even go a full night without peeing, you get bigger and bigger with no end in sight. Pregnancy ruined my boobs, my thighs, and my stomach. I hate celebrities on tv that lose all the baby weight in a matter of weeks, its a fake. Maybe if we all had trainers and plastic surgeons this would really happen to us all. Someone really should have slapped me when I started to think about having children. Motherhood has turned me into a cynical old hag at 25.
I knew I couln’t possibly be alone with feeling like this! Although I still feel terrible that there are this many of us miserable in this role, at least I can say I’m not the only one. I never really thought I wanted kids but then when I turned 33 I started to change. I wanted to know what my child would look like if I had one and I didn’t want to get old and not have the presence of children in my life. I didn’t really plan on getting pregnant but my fiance and I weren’t preventing it either. I got pregnant at 34 and from the moment I found out (which was early on, about 7 weeks) I began regretting it. The pregnancy was horrible, everything about it. I was so tired, the heartburn was excruiating & constant daily. I had gestational diabetes so the poking & prodding every day along with weekly visits to the doctor and dietician it was an endless 9 months of misery. I gained 70 lbs, trying to find attire professional enough for my job was horrid, I felt ugly my inner resentment towards this new life grew with my belly. I ended up being in labor for 2 full days before they finally did a C Section. The pain from that and then dealing with this screaming baby was all too consuming for me.
My fiance was in love with this child from the moment he saw him. He got his son and for him this has been his happiness in life. From the get go he has had a huge part in raising our son & I am very grateful beacuse otherwise I fear I’d simply have not made it. But in another regard, his role & opinions can also be overbearing. Our son has been high maintence literally from them pulling him out of me. He did not stop screaming for the first 3 months. I wanted to feed him formula but ‘dad’ insisted I try and pump & breastfeed. I’d scream saying you feel like sh*t, suffer the pain of incision, be going on NO sleep, never have a break from it (easy for them whn they go right back to work 8 hours a day of freedom)and try pumping for this kid. Had he just listened to me & we’d given him formula I KNOW the beginning would’ve been easier, the crying subsided some from the moment I caved & sayed screw you to ‘dad’ & stuck a bottle in the kids mouth. My son is beautiful & I do want the best for him. But I cannot let go of the resentment still. My lack of freedom, my house that I worked so hard on destroyed by this messy obnoxious being. To have to put away decor & swap out furnishings deemed unsafe & the stupid child safety sh*t everywhere! Trying to get ready in the morning for my job & stay clean, ironed, & primped while trying to get this whiny, tantrum throwing kid ready & fed, by the time I’m flying down the interstate (always late) my blood pressure is so high that my entire rest of the day I run on agitation & anxiety. I resent that ‘dad’ gets to be the fun one & play & doesn’t concern himself with the messes or the not fun duties like clipping nails, or cleaning ears or getting boogers out etc. I’m SICK of him and everybody else asking on a daily basis when we’ll have another one! The lecture that follows when I say we won’t on how “you can’t just have one” or “it would be so much easier for you if he had a playmate” and the one I really love “your 2nd one will definitely be more easygoing”-how the hell do you know what my next unborn child’s personality is going to be?! What if I go through the misery of pregnancy only again to get an over active, screaming, constant fit throwing kid! The thought of it is nauseating. However, I then let the guilt that I’m the bad guy for not having another badger my thoughts almost daily. My fiance (yea we havn’t gotten around to finishing the commitment to marriage yet) about breaks down at the thought of not having more & I know that this new vision of me, as this non Betty Crocker type (he must have hoped I’d morph into once holding my new baby) is a big stand off for wanting to possibly fully commit now. The fear that my daily grumpy mood will eventually just push him to go out and find some 20 something that wants to push out a couple for him & stay at home w/the kids waiting for him to return so they can have “family night” only makes my mental state that much more unbearable. I’ve rambled on now but boy does it feel good to spew out these thoughts. I must go change a crappy diaper now, my 3rd on this Saturday while dad is working, again. Oh how I remember the days of having weekends ‘off’ and spending my days actually getting stuff done or even not getting stuff done just laying around reading or maybe some shopping….boy were those the days…
My heart goes out to you Not My Reality, thank you for being so brave and honest, I wish there were more people like you. Although your fiance seems like he is supportive and plays a major role in his son’s life, don’t let him dictate choices that affect you more than him (such as breastfeeding). Also, don’t listen to those rude nosey parkers who insist you MUST have another child, they’re idiots. My bf is an only child and the most well-adjusted, happy and sociable person I have ever met. I, on the other hand, grew up with a sister I dispised and wished I was an only child. The myth that having another child will allow your son to have a mate is nonsense. Listen to yourself first and foremost. Take care x
@anonymous, your statement irks me. Women are not baby factories. I have never wanted children and I’m glad I never had them. I was never the maternal type. Some people do not want to be tied down by having children. Your statement is really foolish.
Being a mom totally sucks. I have one whom I love to bits but have made it heard to friends & family I would never have another.
Oh you hear ‘you’ll change your mind’ or ‘you’ll regret it’ and even that it’s ‘cruel’ to with hold having kids with a partner.
Oh I just want to scream at them ‘SHUT THE F UP!’
Mingling with other mommies has been hell boring, the lack of freedom, constant interruptions – the list goes on & on and I find it hard to justify having kids in this day and age when the planet is seriously having a hard time coping with the population.
OMG… I have been feeling so alone, depressed, sad and alienated! This is such an unspoken subject and pretty much taboo. After all who is going to admit to their friends that they don’t like being a parent. Imagine the thoughts going through peoples heads! It’s admired to go on about how good it is, not how bad it is. I feel embarrassed, ashamed and extremely guilty for feeling this way but it’s one of the only things in life that you can’t get rid of if you don’t like it and you really have no idea until you are in that situation. I love my daughter as well but wouldn’t have had kids if I had of known what is was really going to be like this… :(
After reading these posts, and replying to many of them I feel better. It’s great to know that I am not alone in my feelings about being a mother. Everything is not for everybody. Parenting is not for me!
I wanted children. I just did not know it could be so painful. If I had known the pain involved, I would have never never had them.
My son was dx with autism and is now 17. I have fought to get him what he needs. But I am constantly reminded of the things he will never be…those things that were my dreams of parenthood. Don’t get me wrong, I love him but I would never do it again. The pain is too great.
Then we worked very hard to make sure that his autism did not negatively effect his 15 yo sister. Only to have her recently tell us that when she graduates HS she will leave and never look back b/c she hates her brother and anyone else with a disability as severe as his.
We have always tried to carve out time just for her w/o him so that she does not feel it is all about him (which, unfortunately, it has to be quite a bit about him b/c he needs are so significant.)
She is a bright beautiful girl who I call my “library card kid.” Meaning, if I gave her a library card and plopped her in a library, she would be able to find the answer to anything she needed in life. She will be successful, I have no doubt.
He, on the other hand, will not…not without his parents being strong advocates for him.
Being a parent is more pain then joy and I would not do it again. I have friends who tell me they would do it over and over and their children are their greatest joy.
My husband and I tease that if we get a divorce, neither of us would fight for custody. Who wouldn’t want the freedom that comes from not having to worry about your children and their welfare.
This is not how it was supposed to be. It is very painful to me to know that I have worked very hard to show love to both of my children only to have one of them slap me in the face with it…to tell me she never wants to be a part of our lives b/c of “autism.”
Autism has crippled our lives. Being a parent sucks.
Reply to anonymous who said: you women are so lucky to even have the chance to get pregnant! i am a 19 year women with NO chance at ever being a bio mommy! god gave us this gift and your complaining is ludicrous! children are gift yes they are frustrating at times but they will someday be just like you and I god i hope they’re more like me than you. you people obviously cant appreciate the fact that being a mommy is what women where put here to do!.
WE NEVER KNOW WHAT IS GOOD OR BAD and at 19 you have no way of knowing if this is good or bad for you. I am confident, you will find it is a blessing in disguise.
You have your entire life ahead of you. Make the most of it and take care of you, love yourself. Be your own best friend. Children can never fill that empty void you must be feeling right now. But, you will learn, I hope, to love and trust yourself…and that void will be filled from within.
people are different. Some are happier at giving birth. Please appreciate that fact… and that your comments have not helped much.
my daughter is 2 and I can’t control her!!!!sometimes I really wish I could disapear.
I just want to say “thank you” to all of the women on this site that have been brutally honest about what motherhood is like. It was a shock to take a look at reality and not what the media is always portraying motherhood to be. I have been “on the fence”, so to speak, for some time about whether or not to have a child. Your honesty has helped me decide to NOT have children.
OMG dear ladies, after reading all the above I realize how happy I am to have no kids. never wanted them thou. Sending patience and strength your way.
thank you everyone for all your stories. i am 24 and have never wanted or thought about having kids. i use all the protection i need so i dont have a mistake or accident. my ex tried hiding my birth control pills so i would get pregnant because he’s a little older and wanted a baby, i broke up with him and kicked him out. also i didnt have good role models in my life, my mom was on birth control when she got pregnant with me and so she obviously didnt want me, she was never around when i was growing up and my dad left when i was 5. im sorry for everyone who is going through so much crap for these brats. giving up your life sucks. and honestly i am too selfish and love doing what i want when i want without having to drag around a baby. i get angry when i see parents dragging their kids (especially if they have more than 1)around in public with them and the kids are acting bad or yelling and crying.
so thank you for all the words of encouragement and knowing how it really is to be a parent.
God help me. I am 25 my husband is a little younger. When we met I was working in a tattoo shop strong independent 19 yr old. I had a miscarriage before we met and at that point knew I didn’t want kids. I had nieces and nephews who I loved but was certain I didn’t want any of my own. Well I got pregnant then rushed into marriage with a small town Iowa boy who was raised by three sisters who are what I like to call robo moms. My pregnancy was terrible I had to move away from my nice apartment in the city to be with my husband because he refused to meet me halfway, over the last four years I have supported us financially multiple times, had ppd and had another child. My husband ran out to be with a few other women because I was so depressed I “wasn’t me anymore” my son is severely adhd and my daughter is just a brat. My husband refuses to let me go anywhere we moved in order to start over and for the first time I am not working at all :( my kids ruin my house, I haven’t dressed nice in over a year literally. My husband hates being home because I have ocd and clean constantly. I feel like I am being held under water every minute of everyday. I haven’t slept through the night in over. three years because neither one of my kids sleeps. through the night. I try to do fun things with them but. they scream and fight. Neither will potty train no. matter what I do. I am to the point I just want to run. away. My husband keeps asking what I do every day. because the house never seems clean, and I’m always. crying. Why didn’t I listen to myself? I love my kids but it takes everything in me not to jump out the window. Please ladies keep being honest because if I’d seen this before maybe things would be different. I’m incapable of being a leave it to beaver mom and that’s what my kids deserve.
I really never thought motherhood would be like this. I was always hesitant about having children because I know I can be on the selfish side. I dont think I would have regrets if I had a normal baby! I ended up having a child that had severe colic, and acid reflux, and is VERY high maintenance!
I decided to be a stay at home mom when the nanny I had lined up fell through and daycare wasnt something my husband and I wanted for our child. It has been 6 months and I’m beginning to regret becoming a mom. She doesnt sleep, she eats every 1.5-2 hours (breastfed). She’s not gaining weight like she should. Some days I just feel like a total failure at life and being a mother!
My sister had a baby a couple months ago and he sleeps, and is happy overall. He has caught up to my daughter in weight also!! I know i shouldnt compare but its hard not to! Why did she luck out with a mellow happy baby?!
My mother in law has become a MONSTER IN LAW! Her true colors are shining through and she is overbearing, manipulative, boundary stomping bitch! She absolutely lived only for her two boys and has empty nest syndrome and is trying to transfer her CRAZY to my daughter! She acts like my daughter is HER daughter, and keeps buying baby furniture for her house piece by piece, like my daughter is going to live with her!!! Ugh I really hate her and hate that I have to see her more now that I’ve had a baby. I didnt like her before and definitely dont like her now!!!
I think if I could just take a vacation from being a mom every couple weeks I would feel a lot better about myself and my daughter!! I know its not my daughters fault and I feel so guilty sometimes for feeling this way. Its just nice to know I’m not alone!!
Hello all,
I thought I would post in case my experience might help someone.
As a teenager and in my early 20′s, I believed I never wanted children of my own. Children are loud, always in motion, in constant need of care and attention, a financial drain, and a BIG responsibility. Unfortunately, my husband and I made some rather dumb decisions concerning our birth control method and four months after we were married, we got pregnant. The pull out method does not work.
Prior to being pregnant, I worked as an exercise rider at the local racetrack. I was small, very skinny, and strong. I had to quit my job when I found out I was pregnant. Let’s face it, riding racehorses while pregnant was not an option. Since I only had experience working with horses, finding a job was nearly impossible. The first trimester, I was so sick I couldn’t move. Every time I got up to go to a different room, I would get sick and throw up. I became a skeleton. My husband had to work a bunch of overtime to make up for the lost income, so I was home alone all day every day. When my husband did come home, all he did was eat and sleep and complain about me complaining. He hated his job, too, so he complained about that as well. Then one day he was five minutes late to overtime work he had signed up for and his company fired him. We lost our health insurance and I had to go on medicare/medicaid. We had already been on food stamps.
So my husband worked two full-time jobs stocking shelves at local grocery stores. I went out looking for a job as soon as I could move without hugging a toilet. It isn’t easy going to an interview obviously pregnant and hoping to be taken seriously. Nobody wants to hire pregnant people. I went to so many interviews, but never got a call back until at the beginning of my third trimester I finally got a job working part-time as a cashier for minimum wage. It was only 16 hours or so per week, but between my job and my husband’s two jobs, we were finally making headway on the bills. And then my baby was born. Two weeks after she was born, we got evicted from our apartment. We had to move in with my parents and thank God they were able to take us in. But three years living with my parents telling me how to raise my child was not easy.
On top of everything, my daughter had colic. I don’t know if you all know what that’s like. My daughter screamed. I don’t mean that cute little cry like a hunger cry. Or that “I’m scared, come hold me” cry. Or the “I’m tired” or “I’m hot” or “I’m cold” cries. I mean the “bloody murder, somebody’s killing a baby” cry. I held her. I rocked her. I fed her. I changed her. I walked with her in my arms. I drove around with her in the car. I gave her gripe water. I gave her anti-colic tablets. I gave her a mixture of baking soda and water via medicine dropper. I changed my diet and I changed her formula (I breastfed and supplemented with formula). I did everything I could possibly think of to stop the crying. Nothing worked. She slept for 30 minutes at a time, then woke up screaming. I got no sleep. I mean that. I got NO sleep. I would nod off on the couch with her screaming in my arms. This went on for five months.
Five months is a long time.
My mom didn’t want anything to do with her. My dad tried to help sometimes by taking her and walking with her. He tried to send me to bed, but there’s this stupid mother instinct and I could not bear to be away from my baby and I couldn’t sleep when someone else was taking care of her. My husband didn’t do a thing. He worked, came home, ate, and slept. He would go into the other room if our daughter started wailing.
After five months of absolute hell and sleep deprivation, the screaming suddenly stopped. At this point, I had eaten my way to gaining 40 pounds because I tend to eat when I haven’t gotten much sleep. The sleep deprivation was so bad that by the end of the colic, I was hallucinating that I was hearing baby cries when our daughter was fast asleep. It took a full year to recover from it.
Things started getting better when I found a job and could finally get away from our little terror. Nobody tells you that babies rule your life, not the other way around. Baby cries and you jump to make it stop crying. You are constantly interrupted with “I’m hungry,” “I’m tired,” “I have a dirty diaper,” “I woke myself up and I don’t know how to get back to sleep.” When they get older and learn how to talk, it gets worse. Then it’s “When’s dinner ready?,” “I’m bored,” “Can I watch something else? Your show is boring,” “Can I have this?,” “I don’t want to clean my room.” No wonder many parents resort to nagging their kids just to get them to pick up their socks off the living room floor.
What I hate most is my kid is constantly wanting me to buy her something every time we go somewhere. We don’t have a lot of money and when she asks for things it triggers several emotions. One, I feel angry that she is asking for something that is not an immediate need. Two, I feel angry that I don’t make more money to be able to give her everything she wants. Three, I feel guilty for having to tell her no most of the time. Four, I feel guilty when I do tell her yes because I feel like I’m spoiling her.
And then the plot continues. . .
Last year, five years after our daughter was born, I began having regrets about not having another child. I was at work and saw so many pregnant women and I began to envy them. They looked so happy with their swollen bellies, their puffy eyes, waddling gait, and pregnancy acne. I brought up the idea to my husband. Now, I should have known better because my husband DID NOT help me care for our daughter until I started working again and he was forced to care for her. So he had no clue about colic or growth spurts or baby puke or diaper blow-outs. So with a bit of rose-colored glasses, we decided to get pregnant again so that our only child would not grow up so only.
I thought to myself, it couldn’t be as bad as the first time. Surely, God wouldn’t do that to me again.
Well. . .
We got pregnant. With. Twins.
Two infants. Two babies.
Twice the cost.
Two carseats. One double stroller. A truck load of diapers, wipes, and formula. And lots of second-hand clothes.
When I found out I was pregnant with twins, I felt agony and the elation. My first thought was I could finish my family with one pregnancy and be done with it. Being pregnant is hard on my body and the fact that this was the last time I would go through it was a relief. The agony of it was the twinness of it.
With the twins came so much more morning sickness. I ate nothing for days. I couldn’t keep anything down, not even bread and water. I lost so much weight and fluids, they were seriously thinking of putting me on iv fluids. I fought hard against it because I hate needles. My veins are very small and it is difficult for nurses to stick me. I ended up losing 10 to 15 pounds by the end of the first trimester. I looked horrible. By the end of the second trimester, my coworkers gave me a wide berth and made comments like, “wow, you’re still here?” because I was as big as a lady pregnant with only one baby at the end of her pregnancy. No, I had three more months to go.
At 28 weeks, I showed signs of premature labor, so I was hospitalized for a week. I went home on strict bedrest.
Anyone been on bedrest? It isn’t what it sounds like. Being forced to lie in the same position for all hours day after day, week after week, in the same room, seeing the same walls. I watched the dirt and mess creep across the floor, getting closer and closer and closer, daring me to get up and clean. I hate mess. It drove me crazy to not be able to clean. My meals had to be brought to me. I was not allowed to cook. I was not allowed to drive. I was not allowed to shop. I was not allowed to nap either because the babies were constantly kicking up into my ribs. I had horrible heartburn, but I had to lie down. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t read either because I couldn’t concentrate on anything. This went on for seven weeks.
I thought I would find relief when the babies were born. In a way, it was a relief. My organs could finally go back to their normal places. I could finally get off all the medications I had to take to keep the babies inside me. I could finally breathe easy because it was a fast delivery and my twins were safe and healthy.
The phrase “sleeping like a baby” is ridiculous. Babies do not “sleep like a baby.” Babies wake up eight to twelve times a day to be changed and fed. There are studies that say babies sleep 16 hours per day when they are infants. What isn’t said is that babies sleep in one to two hour increments, longer if you are lucky. Multiply that times two babies.
When you have twins, it is easy to get into a cycle where all you do is take care of babies. When one is done feeding, the other wakes up to be fed. When that one is done feeding, the first is ready to eat again.
No one knows just how important sleep is until you can’t sleep.
Right now, my twins are 11 weeks old and my first born daughter is 6 years old. My twins have a stretch where they sleep for 6 hours in a row. Blessed relief! Thank God they do not have colic. I don’t think I could go through that again. As bad as it is taking care of twins, they are easy compared to my first.
To someone who is not sure about having children, I would say take the time to make sure about your decision either way. Granted, they are only babies for a short time, but children no matter what their age bring constant interruption to your daily activities. Brushing your teeth, taking a shower, going to the bathroom, getting a snack, all become fragmented because a child will stop you before or after such activities to demand something of you. This constant interruption is very difficult to deal with, especially if you are in the middle of a task that takes a long time. Children are forever. They are always your children no matter their age. Yes, they will grow up and have their own lives, but that doesn’t mean they will disappear and suddenly you won’t worry about what they are doing or whether they are okay. There isn’t a magical separation where you stop feeling responsible for them. Children are expensive, but the more you have the less “start up” cost you have so long as you save your clothing, crib, carseats, bottles, etc. Another thing to consider is where you live. Is your place large enough for a child? Is the school in your district one you would want your child to attend? Will you work or stay home? Who will care for your child if you do work?
Being pregnant and then breastfeeding is also a imposition on your lifestyle choices. You shouldn’t smoke, do illegal drugs, or drink alcohol while pregnant. There are also many legal drugs you can’t take while pregnant or breastfeeding. But there are other restrictions, too. I lived a very active lifestyle before I got pregnant and I had to give up my career in the horse racing industry. I gained too much weight after my pregnancy to continue in that line of work. I couldn’t work with the horses anymore due to concerns for the safety of the baby.
Then there was my friends. I had many friends before my first baby. Because I was the first person in my group to get married and to have a kid, I got cut out of almost all social activities. I didn’t get invited for a girls’ night out because I couldn’t drink and I was so unbelievably tired all the time. I didn’t get asked to lunch because I would have to drag my baby along. No one would come over to visit because they didn’t want to be around the baby. It was a driving wedge between my friends who wanted to enjoy being young and single and me saddled down with a baby. I felt so alone and deserted.
I hope what I have written may help someone. If you are struggling with infants, God be with you. When I feel I can’t handle it anymore, my dad always tells me, “This too shall pass.” Babies are not babies forever. Even my colicky little terror is now the sweetest, most loving, most kind six year old who is always willing to do what she can to help me. Hang in there.
Take lots of pictures.
no matter how sweetly you put it calling you child terror shows what little respect you have for children. What if she were to start calling you fat monster? Wouldn’t you raise hell?
And very irritating when you women write “we got pregnant”. Shows a wacked out identity.
Sorry I haven’t appreciated anything you have written.
So many people like the idea of marriage and children.
They actually hate being parents and married.
Get help and start the road to hapiness.