Hate being a mom
Posted by Ann in Hate on Feb 21st, 2009 | 86 commentsI am depressed. I hate being a mom. I also hate being a stay at home mom too!
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I am depressed. I hate being a mom. I also hate being a stay at home mom too!
Sorry baby to think this way and being doomed with this feelings. The tears on my face right now show me how much I love you but how desperate I am for feeling and being this way.
The idea of being a mother makes me shudder. I know I’ll be a good mother; want the best for my child; do what’s right; etc, but I’m just no emotionally equiped to do this right now. My heart goes out to you. Maternal love takes time. Maybe post-natal depression? Maybe tell your doctor? A lot of women feel this way: your doctor won’t judge you. But you will get the help you need.
I was on my knees today, picking food up from the ground that my one year old had dropped from his lunch, and I realized that this is what my life has been reduced to. I am no longer me. I am the butler, the maid, the cook, the one who changes diapers, the one who keeps the house stocked with supplies, the one who hates her life. My husband is already tired of me crying over it. He done hearing the same whining over and over, and while he would never say it, I know he’s thinking, ‘get over it’. While I was realizing what having kids has brought me too I started bawling and begging God to kill me. Kill me before my kids realize how much their mom hates being a mom, before my husband realizes he can find a better person, before I do it myself. I love my kids, but I HATE ME! I HATE looking at myself in the mirror, I hate getting dressed, I hate putting on makeup, I hate ME!!!! Why does being a mom put you in this position, and why when you try and express you need help from people, they don’t LISTEN!!!!! My kids deserve someone better than me. How do you make it all turn around?
Molly,
I sympathize with you and your feelings. I am a divorced mother of five kids, who feels very similar to you almost everyday. The only thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel and completely, walking away from my responsibilities…. is God. My faith in God and the fact that I refuse to be considered as a failure are my source of motivation that keep me going. My kids are ages 15 yrs, 12 yrs, 11, yrs, 8 yrs and 5 yrs old. Due to the fact that they look up to me and need me….I try to only focus on the positive things about being a mom. I am always happy when I go to conferences at their school and hear about how well manner they are and how they are doing good in school. When my kids get special awards at school and make me extremely proud….I realize that all my life sacrifices are actually paying off.
My oldest will graduate from high school in two years….although I am excited about finally getting one child grown…I am going to miss him being my baby. My oldest son has been a true blessing so far, he helps me out a lot around the house and with his siblings…and he is a good student that doesn’t get into any trouble.
I still feel stressed despite all the nice perks to being a mom, because I no longer have a real life of my own…but with anything in life you have to look on the bright side of things in order to really gain positive energy.
Keep your head up and know that in time your little one will grow up and things will become easier for you. A word of advice don’t have any more than two kids. I over did it in the multiple the earth part …(lol) and that is part of the reason why I very so overwhelmed, trying to be a super mom to five children as a single parent.
Best Wishes!
Molly,
I sympathize with you and your feelings. I am a divorced mother of five kids, who feels very similar to you almost everyday. The only thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel and completely, walking away from my responsibilities…. is God. My faith in God and the fact that I refuse to be considered as a failure are my source of motivation that keep me going. My kids are ages 15 yrs, 12 yrs, 11, yrs, 8 yrs and 5 yrs old. Due to the fact that they look up to me and need me….I try to only focus on the positive things about being a mom. I am always happy when I go to conferences at their school and hear about how well manner they are and how they are doing good in school. When my kids get special awards at school and make me extremely proud….I realize that all my life sacrifices are actually paying off.
My oldest will graduate from high school in two years….although I am excited about finally getting one child grown…I am going to miss him being my baby. My oldest son has been a true blessing so far, he helps me out a lot around the house and with his siblings…and he is a good student that doesn’t get into any trouble.
I still feel stressed despite all the nice perks to being a mom, because I no longer have a real life of my own…but with anything in life you have to look on the bright side of things in order to really gain positive energy.
Keep your head up and know that in time your little one will grow up and things will become easier for you. A word of advice don’t have any more than two kids. I over did it in the multiple the earth part …(lol) and that is part of the reason why I feel so overwhelmed, trying to be a super mom to five children as a single parent.
Best Wishes!
A word of advice don’t have any more than two kids.
———
Totally agree. Unless you have the financial means for help or family can assist.
I am a stay at home mother of three children. I am very proactive to their academics and overall health. My greatest wish is that they are healthy, spiritual and always do some charity for the world.
But I am not happy. I hate making all the decisions all the time and being in constant crisis management. My husband travels a lot and I am alone to handle all. He is a great father but I do not know if it is enough for me. I have been in diapers for 12 years. I quit a big career to raise a family and to be support for my husband’s career. I loved being a mom with my first two. When my second child was off to full time school, I was ready to be out in the world but I got pregnant. We planned the other two kids to the day. I feel some higher power wanted me to have a third. My boy is very charming but this is so hard.
I try to be involved and look at the positives but it is only a distraction. I do not want to be with the children unless I am feeding, running to them to sports or music classes or helping them with homework. I truly believed if I worked hard, I would be happy. But I am irritated a lot inside and rather pursue my interests without the family.
I completely understand, there are some days where alls I want to do is just lay in bed and cry. Every night I go to bed and realize that the next day is going to be just like the horrible one I had. I was excited about being mom at first but as the months went on it just seemed to get harder. We have a 6 month old and im pregnant with our second child already and im exausted, and my husband has dumped everything on me to do and I mean EVERYTHING! He thinks that just because I stay at home with our son that im on some sort of vacation. No matter how many times I try to tell him its no where near what he thinks he just brushes me off. There are times when I have to leave the room and just tell myself to breathe because my son isnt exactly an easy baby. I like you have cried and cried to my husband and he just looks at me like please stop your driving me crazy. I just want him to open his eyes and see how exausted and overwhelmed I am.
Shannon,
Whatever you do…don’t have anymore kids. I have five and had a less than considerate husband. The more kids that he pumps you up with the more your misery will increase….then he will start looking for a woman that is younger and more attractive to him.
If he doesn’t care and is not helpful now…he never will be. Two kids is more than enough….if you add anymore you are going to regret it. If possible try to go to counseling so you can have a way to vent and help to deal with your current level of stress, that has always worked for me, and this is also confidential, so you don’t have to worry about any and everyone know all of your inner most feelings.
Best wishes ….and remember two kids is more than enough! I thank God for tubligation, it helped me gain a sense of control when I would lose control in the heat of the moment. Husbands love good sex….but hate dealing with pregnant complaining wives and dirty diapers!
I read your post and it could have been something I had written. I’m miserable. Life used to be fun. Drinks after work with my husband….a last minute vacation… a peaceful Saturday… Life used to be easy. All of that now is GONE. I now cry regularly and this upsets my husband. He tries his best to cheer me up and helps out a lot but something inadvertly happens and I am harshly reminded that I am a mommy. My son is a very lovable boy and is just your typical kid but I cant help feel regret in having him. I miss my former life desperately. How did women in generations past do this???
Molly, here’s a story that helps me when the despair sets in:
It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way
one of the kids will walk into the room while I’m on the phone and ask to
Be taken to the store. Inside I’m thinking, ‘Can’t you see I’m on the phone?’
Obviously not; no one can see if I’m on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping
the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see
Me at all. I’m invisible. The invisible Mom. Some days I am only a pair of
hands, nothing more! Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this??
Some days I’m not a pair of hands; I’m not even a human being. I’m a clock
to ask, ‘What time is it?’ I’m a satellite guide to answer, ‘What number is The Disney Channel?’ I’m a car to order, ‘Right around 5:30, please.’
I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes
that studied history and the mind that graduated summa *** laude -but now,
They had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She’s
going, she’s going, she’s gone!?
One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the return of a
friend from England . Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous trip,
And she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there,
looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to
compare and feel sorry for myself. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when
Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, ‘I Brought you this.’ It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn’t
Exactly sure why she’d given it to me until I read her inscription:
‘To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building
when no one sees.’
In the days ahead I would read – no, devour – the book. And I would discover
what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could
pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals – we have no
record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they
would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit.
The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.
A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the Cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, ‘Why are you
spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by
The roof, No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, ‘Because God
sees.’
I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall intoplace. It was almost
as if I heard God whispering to me, ‘I see you, Charlotte. I see the
Sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does.
No act of kindness you’ve done, no sequin you’ve sewn on, no cupcake you’ve
Baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a
great cathedral, but you can’t see right now what it will become. At times,
my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is Erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness.
It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride.
I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of
the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work
on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went
so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime
because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.
When I really think about it, I don’t want my son to tell the friend he’s
bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, ‘My Mom gets up at 4 in the
Morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for 3
hours and presses all the linens for the table.’ That would mean I’d built a
shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home.
And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, ‘You’re gonna
love it there.’
As mothers, we are building great cathedrals. We cannot be seen if we’re
doing it right. And one day, it is very possible that the world will marvel,
not only at what we have built, but at the beauty that has been added to the
world by the sacrifices of invisible women.
I love it!!!! Your words are a true inspiration to me. I have always felt that my hard work, time and effort went unnoticed, as a mother. Your response to this website, has helped me put everthing into proper perspective.
May God Bless You!!!!
I have tears streaming down my face as I am reading your words. I have a different persepective now I have been in such mourning for my old life and my “invisible” new life.
I totally agree with you as I am going through the exact same thing. I wait until my 5 month old daughter is napping and then I melt into a heap on the floor and cry and cry. I hate being a mom although I love my daughter. I have always worked and had a career I loved and now staying home 24/7 feels like a prison sentence and I feel like I am waiting to get paroled. I feel as though I am invisible and I have been sucked into a vortex and lost myself. I don’t feel good about myself and if my daughter didn’t need me to get out of bed I’d probably stay there. My hubby has been supportive but I am afraid if I don’t get myself out of this funk I’m in that he is going to get annoyed. I agree with you that no one really listens. It’s because women lie, they lie to each other about how wonderful motherhood is because they think it’s not pc to admit the truth. It is a thankless, life sucking, emotionlly draining experience. I wish I could pause my life sometimes and just go back to my old life for a few days and then come back to my life. It was refreshing to finally read that someone out there is feeling the same way. I hope things get better for both of us.
I so understand your pain…I have four kids…14,12,3 and 10 months..my older two are from my first marriage. I worked for many years and now i feel lonely, frustrated and like my life consists of cleaning, laundry, cooking, homework, and of course watching my children. somedays I just want to escape and wonder when will it be about me and not about everyone else. my husband and I always disagree and when I try to tell him how I am feeling then it becomes a competition. He will say “my job isn’t easy” he would rather stay at home. In someways I should be thankful and realize that not everyone can stay home but on the other hand its a thank less job…
Pff, srry to say but a bit too much God in these replies. I am not here to tear down your faiths, but it is not like you can have God babysit for an hour while you take a nap. What works for me is planning, and a helpfull man (altho it took me a long time to convince him ^^). If he doesn’t believe your day is hard –> TAPE IT! And otherwise there are enuf studies and articles to be found on the internet where they show that caring for a family is about as tough as a 80 hour working week. Does your man have 2 fulltime jobs? If not, he can also pick up some of the slack, and if some of your kids are older, they can and shuld help in the household, if only with small tasks. They might cry, beg and whine at first, but if it gives em enuf profit in the end they will be sure to comply (you can do this by making all non essential treats bound to tasks in the house, or implement a weekly allowance wich they can loose if they don;t do their tasks).
My daughter screams everytime my husband leaves the house and screams for hours on end. I only get two days a week with her because I work 4 part-time jobs to make ends meet, she screams those two days. One day I accidentally sat on the phone and it redialed – his cell. He listened to her scream and me beg and cry with her for 30 mins. I think that is when my husband realized how bad it was for me. I know he works hard, too. The hardest working husband I know, but he has been so supportive since he heard that call. Sometimes I think that God dialed that number for me. He now takes care of all the laundry and packing her daily diaper bag.
I too HATE being a mother. I love my children to pieces but I despise being a mother. I too wish to have a life and an identity of my own! I had one child when I met my husband. Motherhood was hard but enjoyable for the most part. Then I got pregnant with our daughter. On top of it all we gained full custody of his two children from a previous marriage because their mother abused them. I am mother to four children now all ages 5 and under! I cant afford childcare to even go back to work and escape if I want to. I have no choice but to stay at home and further my education so that one day I can afford the childcare to get out of this house. I crave adult relationships. I have told my husband. I HATE being a mother. I HATE my life right now. I love my children and I have the responsibility of caring for them. I made my bed so I have to lie in it. The day my last turns 18 will be a joyous one. My husband thinks I am horrible because I dont recognize the age of a child on their birthday but how many more years I have left until they can leave. Some of us arent made out to be mothers. We love children..especially our..but we dont find pure joy in it I guess. I will defiantly have in depth conversation with my daughters about my feelings as a mother before they have children of their own so they know just how much of their lives will be lost due to becoming a mother. making that sacrifice is a huge decision.
Finally, women who don’t fake the funk. I too LOVE my 3 kids but am sooo overwhelmed as a stay home Mom. I absolutely hate this! My youngest (my first son) screams and cries ALL day and I just cant take it anymore. Who takes care of Moms when we are sick? Who holds our hair back when we are throwing up? I feel like such a failure as a Mother and a wife . . . I’ve been a mother since I was 17 years old. I’ve never been “just me” and I’m so resentful some times and I feel so bad because I truly love my babies. Ugh, I’m so lost . . .
Oh thank goodness! I am not alone.
I was just sitting here thinking, “I hate being his mom!” I know he is this way because of me and it makes me feel so bad. I am a failure of a mother. I just want to leave. I have 2 kids and one on the way. My oldest is just awful! Maybe it’s normal for a kid his age or maybe not but OMG! He’s still in diapers, we have been trying to potty train him since he turned 1, he’ll be 4 in July. We’ve tried EVERYTHING and have gotten no where. I also have an 18 month old who has his days but is such a wonderful little guy. And now I’m pregnant with our third. I am so stressed, I’m depressed and just hate who I’ve become.
I always wanted to be wife and mother and now that I got it, I feel like I made the wrong choice. If I would have had a preview of this life I don’t think I would have taken that first step…