I am depressed. I hate being a mom. I also hate being a stay at home mom too!
I’m a single mom so I can understand how u moms feel. But my biggest question is y the hell r women on here who have no kids? Y are they sayn anything or even searchn this site? Get a life u childless women or better yet have a baby and then come back and tell us how happy u r after having a child
If your message is directed toward the women here telling mothers how dare they hate being moms because they would give anything to have a child, then I understand your frustration, but if it is also addressed to those childless women who come on here looking for reassurance that they are making the right decision, then you’re way out of line. They only want to make sure that there’s nothing wrong with their decision or with them for that matter, because let’s face it, society judge women who are child free by choice and they have to deal with that everywhere they go. If anything, more child free women should come on here and read the heartbreaking posts.
First off if u lookn for an answer online about not having children then u have issues. My statement goes to any women who are on this site that don’t have children especially the ones that have hateful words to women who have children. Don’t take what I say personal if you are child free. But since you did……to me it’s sad u are searchn a site where women who are stressed disappointed hurt need help on whatever feelings they have from being a mom. I would never go on a “child free” woman page and say anything bout any one. That’s their choice not to have children. In fact b4 I had a child I never searched online if I should or shouldn’t have one. If u have to search online for ur life answers then u can’t think much for yourself then.
Wow, Alisha, so by that logic, nobody should ever ask for opinions or advice or find out what their life might turn out to be if they make a particular decision, because you didn’t and you think it’s ‘sad.’
That makes zero sense to me since I research just about everything from which hair dryer to buy to where to go on vacation. It’s called informed decision making. OF COURSE I would look to see if there is anyone who is unhappy that they decided to have a child, because it is generally portrayed as the expected, happy family thing to do once you get married. But having a baby isn’t for everyone, even if it is the life script. It is one of the biggest, most life-changing decisions to make, and I wish people more thoughtfully considered it and found out the ramifications. In fact, I know how much daycare costs in my area, and I remind my mother-in-law of that anytime she brings up babies. :)
I have been following this thread for a long time, and I have read zero hateful things written by Childfree people. If anything, we have been supportive of those women who are frustrated in their role as mothers. It is other moms who have said some unsupportive things about fellow moms. I understand being a mom isn’t sunshine and Polaroid images all day, which is one of many reasons I don’t want children but fully support those who have kids but feel regrets sometimes.
I’d take you more seriously if you actually typed English.
Wow this is hardcore I don’t have any kids but you can’t assume that we all hate on mothers who have problems yes we don’t understand why you hate it because some of us want kids.
Now, I’m childless by choice – and I never wanted women. What I am doing here is: Reading, what others think (and I didn’t comment on anything so far).
Since I can think about it people tell me “You will change your mind”. Nobody did EVER say this to a girl or woman who WANTS children – but here are my arguments for the next discussion anyone is going to put on me about how I will regret it: There are mothers who regret it and there are women who wanted children and changed her mind.
We all have no idea what we are going to miss or not… we have to make a choice. And it’s possible that WE ALL ARE REGRETTING afterwards. And it’s possible that we aren’t. That’s it. So, no, I don’t have an issue. But maybe the people I have to collect arguments for because they don’t believe me when I’m just telling them?
I’m in my late 20s and deciding whether or not to have children. I am not judging anybody, I am seriously considering my decision.
It is very unusual to hear people say they wouldn’t be a parent if they had the choice over. I am keen to know if that is because 100% of mothers are happy, or because any unhappiness is still worth it, or if actually people just feel ashamed or guilty to say it is not worth it in public.
I love children (and have worked as a nanny in the past), but I have many other things I wish to do with my life that I may need to sacrifice so I want to be absolutely sure child-rearing is right for me.
I am just on here to listen to the other side of the story.
I think people simply don’t admit that it might not worth having children, because that way they will humiliate their choices as well as children.
I am pregnant and I am not looking forward to becoming a mother, I did it because my spouse wanted desperately, I never wanted to have a child. I feel like some part of me has been taken away from me now. I love being free-spirited but now this is going to change.
>If u have to search online for ur life answers then u can’t think much for yourself then.
This is an extremely stupid statement and you should feel like an idiot for typing it. Especially coming from someone who didn’t even pay attention in elementary school.
Searching online before making HUGE decisions is never something to feel weak or stupid about…
I am childfree, and what brought me to this site was simple.
I am not particularly maternal, or broody…yet people seem to feel compelled to tell me (regardless of knowing any back-story) how WOOOOOONNNDERRRFUUULL!! it is! How we are selfish, and will die sad and regretful if we don’t capitulate and have a baby! How our marriage will fail, how we are not doing out civic duty by producing more merry little workers. How we can not know love until we reproduce.
Sh*t like that stings. And it is hella patronizing.
It makes us (CF) question our decision…or at least feel like we had better research and think about and truly back up our deep unshakable feelings. What if we ARE wrong somehow? Also, we hear one thing…and in front of us SEE the total opposite…miserable, stressed and lonely moms. We see the good stuff too…but all this being preached at,and thinking it over, and all of this pressure…well OF COURSE we start searching the internet for things like “regret having kids?” or “unhappy moms?” because we feel like we are being sold a short story…something in the milk aint clean here. And we know it.
Does this mean we are judging you or gloating or hating your baby? Jesus…of course not. We (or I) DO feel a little vindicated, finding sites like this…sort of like “SEE! I KNEW it! Babies DON’T fart rainbows! People ARE unhappy doing this! JUST LIKE I KNEW I WOULD BE IF I DID IT TOO. SO STOP PRESSURING ME!!” And…just tell the truth! No one will think you are a bad parent if you confide what we all can guess anyways: This not as great as I thought it was going to be.
Maybe YOU would have made a different decision (less kids? CF? Waited longer? Did it earlier? Required more from the man you chose to have a baby with? More prenatal testing? Genetic screening before getting pregnant? etc.) if someone told YOU the truth, not some shite about how “your life will be complete and you will be suffused with joy.” Maybe YOU feel grouchy that no one told YOU what the reality was gong to be.
That’s why we CF are here…we just want to grasp the reality of the situation.
And if anything… it makes empathy ring through me like a bell. I empathize with the sad Moms…because I sort of dodged a bullet…this would have been me too. And I post on here from time to time because I feel like MY position is misunderstood. I am not a selfish babyhating ****…I am just a normal, average woman who simply made a different choice.Don’t hate me for being childfree…and I promise not to judge you for being stressed and overwhelmed.
I come back here for reassurance sometimes, because as I push 40, people are chiming in (especially my M-I-L) with something near to hysteria…HAVE A BABY!!! NOW!!!and I pop back here to simply remind myself why I so carefully came to the decision did. Enough badgering and guilt tripping and I can feel the confidence in my decision wobble a little (almost entirely because I feel so bad disappointing people I love very much by not reproducing…not because I have any waves of broody-ness)and so I read a few posts here and go…
“Ah. Yes. That IS why this is not for me. If these articulate and successful women are driven to near panic with stress and despair…good god. What would I be like?”
Even above 40, if you ever want to have kids, there’s always adoption, it’s a biblical choice too. :) There’s no real limit on when, it’s just do you want to, or have the money to… It’s always a personal decision, not anyone else’s.
it’s not sad to want to look at all aspects of a serious life decision like motherhood. the fact is, it’s not all smiling laughing babies and feeling fulfilled, it’s an experience in which you will feel every emotion imaginable. there is actually a big difference between reading what another person has to say about something and using their input to fine-tune what you know about a subject and blindly accepting what you read as ultimate truth, although you seem incapable of distingushing the different ways a person can collect and utilize information. it’s just being rational and thinking critically, it’s not that difficult to understand.
Alisha sounds like a genius that has amazing grammar and critical thinking skills lol….Seems to me she is bitter/jealous towards childfree women who want to know what the true realities of child-rearing are. We are smart enough to make informed decisions, not to mention we know how to spell, and form proper sentences. But these are the people that are procreating.
I am 36 and childfree by choice.
I am just here because I want to research my choice, this is not the first time I’ve done this, I’ve been researching all the time for a long long time. I’m just a natural research kinda person. I research everything, even what shoes to buy.
Just lately though my mom and I talked about it again. (Having kids) She and I have very different opinions. That’s why I got to researching again about this topic and I found this site. Your comment is the first one I saw.
I am not here to poo poo moms. I wish all moms in the whole world all the best, I understand that it is tough. So please don’t get mad if I am here reading comments because I don’t hate moms.
I totally understand! Being a mother is one of the worst or the absolute worst decision that I MADE! No one, but me! I’ve held that in for 18 yrs.
I would give anything to be a mother, Hard fights, sleepless nights, or not. I have a condition that I cannot have children, I undertand frustration though as you are by yourself raising a child. My wonderful brothers share their 4 children with me almost everyday 1 newborn 1 8 months and 2 at the ages of 6 and 7 and I take them for days at a time all by myself, It gets hard but I wouldnt change it for the world. Every mom has that thought at the back of there mind that is frustration and like they just want to cry and give in.
Foster, I can relate to a degree, because I’ve been helping with my niece and nephew since day one. I lived with my sister and her husband and would take my niece early in the morning so my sis could get some extra sleep, or watch her during the days so they could work.
Your brothers are lucky to have you, and your nieces and nephews are lucky that you are free to devote your maternal energy towards their well-being. If you DO want to be a parent, hopefully you’ll find a way.
But if not, it sounds like you’ll always have children to love around you.
Study after study have shown the connection between women’s education & their choice to be child free. The higher the education, the more likely that she will not choose children. Your posts are perfectly illustrative of these findings. You can neither write nor reason. And yet sadly, you have reproduced. It would be a relief to all of us interested & sincere readers & writers if you would stop posting.
Alisha… Childfree women are on here for one of two reasons:
1) They are wise and researching the downside of being a mother before making a decision. They are actually making a decision rather than just getting pregnant on accident or because you know… first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.
2) They have decided to not have children and these posts are provide comfort in knowing that we made the right decision.
You’re tone is really quite rude and ignorant. As a women raised by single mother and helping raise a step-child raised by a single mother half-time, I can guarantee you we have a life – career, disposable income, travel, and free time to research conscious reproduction.
Heather… sorry… you sound like you really need help. Please leave the man and the baby… for their sake and yours, and just get a nice little studio apartment, a job you like, and be independent and man-free for a while.
I need this but when you can’t afford your own place?
wow. what can i say. i’m of childbearing age and my aunts, cousins and mom have been asking me about my plans of having children. i’m not even married yet but it seems they can’t wait to have a new addition to the extended family, so screw marriage–is their logic. to be quite honest, i have always found babies and toddlers adorable and never had problems babysitting them for hours on end. believe me, i can’t count the number of times i have undertaken the task of looking after my cousins’ and friends’ kids if only to grant them a few hours of time to stroll around shopping malls without having to drag their uncontrollable ADHD children. at the same time i never believed i could handle caring for one 24/7. i typed in “regret being a mother” and this page was linked by someone on one of the pages i browsed, by the way. i was scared that if i decided to have one i would immediately regret it. after all i’m not ready to give up my freedom and career. so i searched for answers via the internet. and here i am.
but i do admire your honesty, guys. all around me my mommy friends, cousins and colleagues seem to be enjoying their lives immensely, at least on the surface. some of them would relay their hardships but at the end of the day their kids are their little “pieces of heaven”, their “greatest blessings”, their “happiness” as if telling the world that all their happiness is encroached on their kids, as if with no regrets whatsoever. i always doubted the genuineness of that but now i know it’s genuine for some but not for all of us.
i wish it gets better for all of you; i really do.
I am almost 30 years old, I have been wanting to get a vasectomy for a while now, but Navy protocol (at least at my command) says that I have to be either married/divorced, have at least 2 kids, and 1 of them as to be a boy. The obvious stigma is “you might want kids in the future.” This site has given me a bit of comfort in knowing that mindset was correct that there -are- those who chose to have kids but regretted it. I could only imagine the amount of flack any of you would get if you made a public statement (where you identified yourselves) about regretting having kids.
I work in a hospital, so I get a pretty good glimpse of the crap that parents have to go through. It seems like each day I work is its own form of birth control. My biggest motivations is my personal comparison chart.
Person A makes 30k a year and is single.
Person B makes 30k year and has kids.
Person A gets to live it up, buy frivolous things things, travel to new places, spontaneously do things he hasn’t done before, and live essentially a debt free/stress free life.
Person B is 1 missed paycheck away from financial ruin, can’t see most of their friends because of scheduling issues, hasn’t been on a decent vacation in years. Friday nights consist of things that your kids want to do. Your dating life turns to crap because nobody wants to deal with YOUR kids.
I keep hearing from older people that I “have to grow up eventually.” Well, I certainly enjoy what’s going on in my life, and I don’t see the need to make it more “fulfilled” by having kids and adding unnecessary responsibility.
Good luck to all of you. I know I certainly couldn’t do it.
You may want to simply go to a health clinic and pay for it yourself.
According to WebMd’s Website:
“Fancy American urologists charge up to $1,200 for the in-patient vasectomy procedure, which takes all of 10 minutes, including local anesthetic. Planned Parenthood charges about $100.”
Remember the mantra: “Less government in your life.”
Thank you for very much validating my point.
I’ve known since a very young age that I never wanted children and for a while this was difficult for my husband to accept because he felt (along with family pressure) that it was the right thing to do. I continue to face harsh criticism and judgement from the majority of people when I tell them that this was a choice but I have learned to let it go since they are the ones who have a problem with my decision, not me. At times they can be relentless, spewing out every reason in the world as to why it is so important to reproduce. What I find most interesting is, these are usually the same folks who are the most stressed and miserable in their role of motherhood in real life, but yet, the life they portray on facebook or other social outlets is all lollipops and roses. A friend of mine who is a new first time mom is going through a very tough time and private messaged this site to me and another friend because she could never outwardly admit to others what she is feeling. Do you think that social media outlets like facebook set an unrealistic expectation for mothers? My heart hurts for her and many others on here who have to suffer through this experience in silence but at least this is here for you to vent. Just wish that one day people could be honest about the reality of life without being judged. Wonder what in the heck that world would be like. Hang in there, all of you, and may there be peace in your heart and balance in your lives sometime soon.
I so identify with the sentiment of loving kids but not the job of parenting. I don’t think it is selfish to hate dealing with often CRAZY moods (mine/theirs) 24/7. Not only is parenting hard, it is the only job where you are judged harshly if you don’t “enjoy every moment”! Really?! Even the the screaming, pooping ones? Just checking.
Also, what is up with the “if you didn’t want kids, you shouldn’t have had them”. Thanks for the Monday morning quarterbacking. Have you ever gotten into a job that you really wanted only to find it was HELL because of the demands? Can’t fire myself here.
Having had three kids in 3 and 1/2 years, I have learned a few things. In the hope that this may help someone even a little, here goes… 1)Don’t expect your friends with only one kid or one kid every few years to “get it”, they don’t. Likewise, those mothers who have family nearby to babysit for free at the drop of a hat. Their parenting experience is light years different than yours (and mine). 2)Become good at knowing how close to the edge you are and walk away. No child ever died from crying. 3)As much as having even more kids around can suck…trading a few hours of alone time for babysitting with another mom can make life bearable. If the kids are two or older,they might even entertain each other a bit. 3)Regardless of how you feel about church, a lot of them have a mother’s day out program once a week. Worth looking into. They also have Vacation Bible School in the summer that usually lasts a week. 4) The YMCA will watch your children for 2 hours/ day while you work out (or just sit in the hot tub) (or take a looong shower). Yes, you still need to be in the building, but it helps. They discount membership based on financial need. 5)If hubby or MIL or any resonable adult is in range, suddenly remember that you are missing a key ingredient to tonight’s dinner or tomorrow’s breakfast or whatever and jet. You coming home an hour later looking sane is all the thanks they’ll need ;)
Those are some of my best tricks. My youngest is now three and it DOES GET EASIER in many ways. Be encouraged.
When when does it get easier coz I’ve been doing this crap for 10 years and its only gotten harder, I have four kids now and bloody hell the babies are the easy part not the older ones they are shit heads who never listen and treat me like dirt
Wow all these comments make me appreciate everything my mother had to go through in raising me and my sisters even more. I seriously don’t know how she did it. She divorced my dad because he had a serious drinking problem and then fought like hell to get sole custody of us. We then moved to a new state and completely started over.
She gave us such a wonderful childhood and now that I am older and married I am really beginning to realize all the hell she went through raising all of us as a single parent. I feel so guilty about all the crap I put her through growing up.
My husband and I have recently made the decision to be child free and I couldn’t be happier. To all the struggling parents on here just wait until your kids are grown and understand what you really had to go through to raise them. My mom doesn’t know it yet, but this mother’s day we are sending her on a cruise. :)
Hey. I’ve been reading this thread for a while now. I really need to speak to someone about this topic because the pressure I feel is not making me sleep at night anymore. A bit of me: 33 (going 34 this year and I can’t believe how quickly time has passed), very young looking (I’m asked for my ID always and get the shocked looks) but 33 all the same. I’ve gone back to living with parents two years ago part because I started a business venture and had to spend my money on it rather than rent, part because my dad is sick and I want to help him as much as I can. I’ve never felt maternal or wanted kids and I still don’t. I lived with this older guy when I was 20 and we talked marriage but he shot himself in the head after 2 years. Then I dated someone else, again wedding talks but he left me for someone younger (I was 25). After that I dated casually but never pushed anything that didn’t happen naturally and I still live by that philosophy. Unfortunately, call it time/nature/whatever I fear extinction, being forgotten, alone and depressed and possibly being found dead in my apartment 6 months after my demise. All of this because I’ve decided not to have kids. I forgot to mention that at this moment I wouldn’t have any money to raise any and that I’m an only daughter, so I’m the only one in my family who can carry on the (not so indispensable but young-looking) genes. I feel the pain of you mothers, but at least you don’t have to worry about death and loneliness when you get older. Family is always a comfort. I don’t know, I’m confused. Sorry for the long message.
Actually being a parent doesn’t mean you will not die and no one will find you until 6 months later.
The rate of kids abandoning their parents or kids ending up in jail.
There are no guarantees in life.
Enjoy your single life, you have true freedom.
I agree with this post… you don’t need to have kids to complete you. And death is a solitary affair always has been (no matter how you dress it up) funerals are only for the living not the dead.
Hi you really have no guarantees that your kids will be there for you when you get older. I’m 53 and have no regrets about not having children.. no fears of being alone (I am alone, but happily so.)
Enjoy your life NOW. You wont get this time back. I traveled etc etc when I was younger but I have to say that my ONLY regret when looking back was wanting to be “in a relationship” and all the time I wasted seeking one.
Everyone can have a happy and fulfilling life without a partner and definitey without children. Someone posted a few years ago on this blog that many women that “love being a mom” are the ones that had no aspirations and couldnt think of anything better to do, so they became moms. Dont throw your life away wishing for something that isnt. Enjoy your life today!!
I feel ya on the fear of dying alone part, but that’s what friends are for. I don’t have kids and have a hard time making friends but as long as you’re not a total recluse you won’t die alone. And if you do, who cares? You’re dead! :)
I would like to start of by saying I’ve done everything right…i got pregnant at 17 finished school got 3 jobs worked my ass off even tho i had no where to live other then friends houses baby’s father is a waste of space I’ve gone back to college bought a house got a good job promising career to raise this child i try so hard to put on a smile and make them feel loved but everyday it just gets harder and harder to pretend, it takes everything i have not to run away and everytime i drive through the forest i think i could just turn my wheel and have it all be over withbut i know i brought this kid into the
world and I’m the only one who will take care of it…i feel awful yes but i do what i have to i just wish i could see the good part… see child raising ad something more then just another awful chore as i said I’d want my child to feel unloved but i more and more frequently find myself did
thinking if i didn’t have a kid… I’m just trapped And i wish i could just slip into a coma…i would never hurt him i take responsibility for my actions but im just so tired…
I understand u so much I feel like I’ve lost my identity….I am no longer who I use to be I don’t have any free time I’m just so burned out
How to live now, when i trully understand that i hate being a mom of two… What to change in my life to be happy? I love them with all my heart and in the same time I regret not bering childfree. I am a really smart woman, i had the highest grades at uni, I want to do something interesting in my life, i adore travelling, and now i feel like all these opportunities are slipping through my hands… I never thought of suicide i love life too much, but i am really unhappy with the choice i made. And it was my choice, not my husband’s, he wanted to wait.
I am jealous of you, childfree women, you can always change your mind. I can’t anymore.
And I don’t know how to go on like this every day…
I think there’s nothing wrong with deciding not to have children.
Some women just would rather not be mothers. I think there’s nothing wrong with choosing to have an abortion, or choosing to give your child up for adoption at birth if you really, truly do not see yourself as mother material.
What I do think is horribly, horribly wrong is to have children and then chronically resent them, blame them for “ruining” your life, and make their little lives a living hell by punishing them every day for having been born to you. That’s just sadistic, cruel, and inhuman.
I was born to a woman who secretly confessed in her therapy journal that she felt pressured into marrying someone she shouldn’t, felt pressured to have children, and then hated and resenting me in particular (her firstborn) for having “anchored” her to my father.
Surprise, surprise: as it turns out, my mother was seriously mentally ill; she had borderline personality disorder. A hallmark trait of personality disorder is to never take personal responsibility for your own decisions, but instead to always blame others.
Of course if my mother had chosen differently, I wouldn’t be here now. But still, I wish she’d had the humanity, the compassion to either give me up for adoption at birth or the courage to seek therapy. Instead, she “fed and watered” my younger Sister and me, but her resentment and disliked of us leaked out, on a daily basis.
Mother’s thinly-masked hatred and resentment showed itself as frequent, intense emotional abuse, physical abuse and emotional neglect; it messed up my Sister and me pretty badly. It really does a number on a child’s head to tell the child “I love you” and then treat the child in very unloving, even cruel ways.
Sister still has big blocks of childhood amnesia; I coped by shutting down my ability to feel my emotions. We both still have some PTSD symptoms, but they are lessening with age.
My mother is deceased now; for the first time in our lives, my Sister and I know what peace feels like.
Please. Be courageous. Just admit, “I really don’t think I want to be a mother, after all” and give your baby to someone who does, very much, want to be a parent; someone who has the skills, the temperament, and the level of mental health necessary to be a good-enough parent.
Every child DESERVES to be wanted, to be loved, and to have good-enough parents.
The crime: the unforgivable crime, is the hypocrisy.
Hypocrisy is having children you actually resent, dislike, and mistreat (lying to the child: saying that you love your child but behaving in horrifically unloving ways toward the child IS mistreatment; its called “mind-*******”) while claiming the honorable title of “Mother.”
My mother and father were married but 3 years into that marriage, an accident happened. That would be me.
It’s “fun” growing up being the blame for someone’s woes.
It’s a shame that my son is also an accident and I regret not terminating the pregnancy.
But I don’t blame my son.
But he has no respect for me, so the vicious dysfunctional cycle continues.
I’ve been told I cannot give him up for adoption.
Annie, I agree with what youre saying but you really should be more angry at a culture that pressures women to have kids they dont want.
You seem to be making a correlation between women that dont want kids and mental illness. While that may have been the case with your mother, it doesnt mean its the case for all women… PEOPLE… that don’t want kids
Your statement about every child deserving “good-enough” parents…. you realize that many people that want kids aren’t necessarily great parents, right?
The real crime is living in a baby culture… everything and everyone praises to high heaven being a parent… as though they pop out a kid and are automatically a great mother or father. Most of the time the child pays the price for the parents process of becoming a “good parent”.
I never had kids because I never wanted them. Guess what Annie? I STILL RECEIVE flack for it… even from women that say if they could go back in time they would never have kids again!!
Its a sick society.. I never had kids and never had this problem but you had better believe I am blaming someone else!
and we gotta be here to support the women and men that want to make this same amazing choice. :) amirite?? lol :)
There’s a great Facebook page called “I Regret Having Children.” Check it out.
There is also a website called Scary Mommy with a Confessions section. If you want nothing but the truth, check it out!
I understand completely. Its refreshing to read that I am not the only one who does either. If I could go back and do everything over again I would have chosen a completely different path. I used to have that maternal instinct but for some reason its like it just disappeared. I cant stand being with my kids. I dont want to be a housewife and clean up after everyone anymore. I am so sick of being alone so much. From the outside it looks like a have a good life and alot to be grateful for…but inside I am dying. I only want to take care of myself. I am just so unhappy inside and everyday is a struggle to try to push on. Everyday I just say to myself “One day I will be free…one day”. I fantasize about just leaving my family and running off. I hope it gets better. For all of us.
I have the same fantasy.
Drop son off at preschool.
Go get my dogs and drive off to a new and quiet life.
Or I could win the lotto buy a townhouse and hire a full time nanny. That way I could live by myself in my apartment.
Either way, child free is the best way to be!!!
It’s like i wrote this, i feel the same every word
I love my children very much. What I hate about being a mother is their idiot fathers. I know my children and I would do better if I had the money to move them far away from their poor-excuse-for-a-man worthless fathers, but I don’t have the resources to do that. So, for the childless women doing research – make sure that you absolutely can financially afford to parent on your own if the father becomes a self-serving idiot. And you just never know…ALWAYS BE PREPARED.
I never thought I wanted children when I was younger, but then in my late twenties my bio clock and hormones must have started to go crazy. I began a relationship with a man who already had a son from a previous relationship, and I thought, yeah, I can do this… I can be a mum…. The when I had my own child, I realised what a mistake I had made.
I am simply just not maternal enough. I don’t want to be around my child all the time. I prefer lying in bed, going to work, watching films and going to the gym, hanging out with my friends, going out to dinner, intelligent conversation, reading books. i dont really like kids anyway, why was i so blinded and weak to fall into societys trap. I just did not konw myself well enough back then, i have made a mortal and incorretable mistake. Its all my fault, i can own up to it, but now i just want to find a solution that will make my sons life better as well as my own, my partners and everyone around me. the latest thing is that My partner now wants to move his stepson in and for me to look after him as well. I am saying hell no and moving out.
What I really want to do is to give up custody of my own son to my partner, but I secretly think that he wouldn’t want that because he likes going out to work and spending time with his friends and going to parties etc. and he’d prefer to just have kids every other weekend unless he’s got someone around him full time (I.e. me!) to look after them all the time. But I think I would be a better part time parent because he’s actually better with kids than me and me seeing my son every other week is fine, and that way he won’t pick up on my negative vibe. Should I just come out and say that I don’t want my son to come with me when I move out? He’ll think I’m a monster, I probably am, but I have learnt that I hate kids, and everything about them, motherhood isn’t for me. Or maybe I should threaten him and say that I will call social services and say that I hit my son, then I will be banned from seeing him altogether and then he’d have to look after him 24/7 well see how he likes that then!
God it’s good to get this off my chest. I need to decide what to do about this in the next few months or so. I certainly want to get sterilised very, very soon too. I should have done it in the first place. Mea culpa! It’s all my big stupid fault. Sometimes it would have been better if I had died before any of this all happened.
I think your story is a perfect example of why the “choice” of being without kids needs to be out there. Sure your bio clock may have been ticking but had you been confronted more openly with the reality of raising a child instead of the “its all unicorns and rainbows” philosphy that seems to be shoved in our faces you may have no made the same decision. I feel for you lady and I am sorry you are put in this position. I don’t have kids so saying this is kind of pointless but, try to make the best of it.
Dear I hate being a mom, I so understand where you’re coming from, being a parent is a hard job and once we have the kids we might hate the job. Cuz I hate it too at this point, and I can’t have kids.,, long story. U have my support!
Your posts echo some of my own experience and emotions. I too never wanted kids, and said so when we got married (my hub said same for him)–and then 4 years into marriage hub suddenly wanted them–bad! After 3 years of hellish discussions (torture), I finally buckled: I started doing fertility treatments to try and have a kid–50% just for my husband b/c I love him like crazy, and 30% because I suck at earning money and was terrified of divorce. The remaining 20% was me convincing myself ‘it’ll probably be great…like everyone says…you’ll get into it…’ But all the while 100% of my subconscious, and my gut, were screaming DON’T DO THIS; YOU DON’T WANT THIS; YOU’LL BE MISERABLE AND RESENT THE KID. It’s made me sick: I have horrible acid reflux and have to be on meds to have a normal stomach function. Ironically, a symptom of GERD is a hugely puffy stomach–which often makes me look as if I’m 5 months preggers. The fertility treatments have finally come to a close: they failed, and when I found out I involuntarily pumped the air with my fist (I was alone; found out on the phone), while my husband is devastated. Now he wants to try a donor egg or adoption, but now I can put the brakes on and not risk losing him. He knows I tried hard to make his dream come true, even though it literally tore me up inside, and he’s very, VERY grateful.
I wish you so much luck and love in figuring out your situation. Talk it out with therapist & BFFs, but don’t torture yourself for years like I did (which makes you sick). Just make your decision and stick to it. HONOR YOURSELF and your desires. The alternative is a rough road.
I think its really healthy to know your own mind and heart about becoming a mother, its really important to choose one way or the other ahead of time. Not every woman is wired for the psychological aspects of motherhood, and that’s normal because not everyone is the same. I chose to remain single and childless, I knew that I didn’t really want to be a mother pretty early in my life.
I think its great that some women really do want to be mothers because they genuinely like kids, actually enjoy the little sticky kisses and constant neediness when they’re babies and enjoy watching their child grow up into an individualized adult. My younger sister knew that she wanted to be a mother; she was a single mother to her son, who is now an adult and a really great guy. (I do love being an Aunt.)
However, I do think that it is terribly and tragically wrong to have a child when you are ambivalent about motherhood, to decide after the fact that you truly hate being a mother, but then for God knows what reason, to decide to keep the baby and not give it up for adoption.
Every child deserves to be wanted and loved to pieces. If you really can’t stand being a mother, but your child is already more than a few months old, PLEASE realize that you have chosen this obligation and are now honor-bound to be the loving, tender and nurturing mother that is every child’s birth-right.
Unless you try very hard to be loving, your child will pick up on the fact that you don’t feel any attachment or love for him or her and it will seriously damage the child’s emotional health.
I know, because I was raised by a mother who actually hated me. She blamed me for “chaining” her to my father. I grew up with a broken heart. I never understood why my mother never seemed to want me around her, and I never understood why she was so angry and irritable with me all the time. She made me afraid of her because she would literally scream at me in rage and hit me, and then she accused me of being a “cold, unloving, rejecting” child. I was basically punished for existing. Mother almost neglected me to death when I was a year old, I needed emergency surgery due to dehydration. I grew up deeply depressed, anxious, and with zero self-esteem, and afraid to trust anyone.
Please don’t do this to your child. Please either give your infant up for adoption or get your child a good nanny, or let your child be raised by your parents, or something, anything, that will provide the child with a truly loving caregiver who actually wants him or her, someone your child can bond with, love, and trust. Its essential for your child’s mental health to be genuinely loved and wanted, by somebody, even if its not you.
I hope this message is not deleted.
[…] where there have been thousands of responses – most of them commiserating – to a woman who posted “I hate being a mom,” back in […]
Every day I wake up wanting to scream.
Take care of toddler….work for eight hours…come home and take care of toddler and put her to bed… I have no down time. I want to stab myself in the face most of the time. I’m so frustrated. I just want time for myself. I used to be able to actually relax, and read, and have plenty of time to write, and actually go out and have fun.
And I get so frustrated with my daughter. I hate it. She’s such a sweet heart. She’s a doll. I love her so much. We’ve been struggling with potty training for, I don’t know, the last year! I’ve tried EVERYTHING. She’s stubborn. We talk about it. I asked her one time if she wanted to be a big girl and be able to wear big girl undies and go to the bathroom by herself and she scrunched up her nose at me and said NO!!!!
I think what you moms are doing is commendable. I just wish other moms were as honest as you all are. I personally think it takes a lot of courage to admit that motherhood is not all it’s cracked up to be, so kudos to all of you!
I think it’s honorable and brave that all of you mothers on here are being honest and really telling the truth about your feelings. All I ever hear about is how wonderful being a mother is, or the “it’s hard but I’d never change a thing”… I am 33, no kids, and over the years my interest in having children has gone from yes to maybe to we’ll see how both me and the future husband feel to no… Absolutely not. I have no desire to have kids, I have no patience and I’m too selfish with my own time and my relationship with my boyfriend, who, thankfully, feels the same as I do. Thank you all for your candor, as painful as it is, because you’re doing the best you can, and as a bonus can perhaps dissuade others from having kids and regretting them as well… For me, you’ve cemented my feelings, and I am grateful to have read these intimate testimonials from you. Good luck, and I wish you the best.
kinda the same… no patience, no time,too stressed out with managing my own life, how would I manage someone else? :) LOL… But I’m happy.
I’ve been reading this thread for days and am SO GRATEFUL to you all. I don’t know what happened to me recently.
I’m 42 and don’t have a maternal bone in my body. Never liked anyone’s kids or babies (even when I was a child) – an only child from a BIG family of very fertile, non-maternal women who tended to get pregnant at 16 and see it as a disaster. Moved far away to big city and all my friends caved in and had kids in their late 30s, changed massively, now bore me to tears. I’m an introvert and I cherish my own time.
Yet because I have no immediate family (died) and had the BEST parents, I have always thought I would one day recreate the ‘bond’ with someone else…by having a child. Always ringing in my ears: ‘But you don’t know what it’s like til you have your own!” ‘There’s no other love like it!’ ‘It’s the hardest and most rewarding job ever!’
To the point where I got my eggs frozen five years ago at great expense and discomfort. Now I have a great house and job and the best, most supportive, but much younger partner, I started taking risks. Kaboom – pregnant. CRIED. And CRIED. And CRIED. Devastated. Felt as if my life was over. Grieved. Felt I’d lost myself. Repulsed by the physical changes. Felt buried alive. Trapped in my own body. Tried to get hit by cars. Cried again. Considered suicide.
Ended up having an early termination this week. I still don’t know what hit me. I now feel immense relief (with sadness) but STILL worry that I will regret it. How awful am I to reject this ‘gift’ I was given that other people pray for?
I normally have no fear of going against the grain, so WHY have I fallen for this all-pervasive ‘Motherhood is EVERYTHING’ meme? Is everyone lying? Do they really love it? It seems like the sacrifice of everything for this intangible ‘bond’, these fleeting moments, smiles…a lifetime of worry and responsibility for no thanks.
This thread is amazing because it involves a lot of women who actually WANTED children. I didn’t and still ended up thinking I did. I will read it and read it because I still think there’s a risk I could end up in the same situation again.
THANK YOU wonderful ladies for your honesty. I hope you all find happiness and that you ARE rewarded for all the care and attention you give so freely. X
Don’t feel bad bc you didnt want something others do. You can’t be responsible for their lives and choices and they don’t need to be responsible for yours. I totally know where you are coming from but its the logical equivalent of saying “don’t throw your leftovers out bc a child is starving in Africa”. Well, if the solution to that or lack of fertility was that easy- we wouldnt have those problems to begin with!
Do you have a pet?
I’ve always had dogs. Dogs appreciate you.
A child might never appreciate you. That child might but it’s not a guarantee.
I should have terminated my pregnancy.
[…] but how many women feel like they can be honest about that? It appears that lots of women either hide that feeling or try to shame themselves into feeling […]
Honestly, I am 28, I love life, I love dogs, and I enjoy kids, but I would never actually want to have kids of my own. I think they’re a nightmare at 2, or at teen years. The only time I like hanging out with kids is around 7 or 8, when they’re fairly inquisitive. I don’t have kids or dogs, but I like volunteering for PAWS, Animal welfare, or for Boys and Girls Clubs, just to be the “big sister”, Or to volunteer with American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
To the original poster, I do hope you’ve started enjoying life. <3
and by “nightmare”, I mean screaming kid… it’s rather frustrating being hyper-sensitive to noises, but that’s how I am around kids.
But all the more respect to those who want kids and still care for them.
This is just making smart decisions. :) All good things, All good things! -Olaf
I’d like to do a sort of informal and short poll, if any of you would like to participate, that would be great.
1. Did you feel coerced or pressured into becoming a mother, so that you had a child or children even though you knew in your heart that you didn’t really want to ?
2. Before giving birth, did you have a completely different idea of what being a mother would be like (you thought it would be easy and fun) then after having a child or children, did you feel let down or tricked by the reality of child-rearing?
3. Did you have a child with a man whom you have grown to dislike, fear, or even hate, and would like to get away from?
4. Does your child remind you of someone in your life that you dislike, fear, or hate, such as your abusive mother or rejecting father, or your spouse, or someone you feel jealous or envious of, like a sibling or a cousin, etc.? Or, does your child remind you of things about yourself that you don’t like or feel ashamed of?
Thanks for participating.
Got pregnant on accident with a guy that I wanted to break up with. He ended up ending the relationship after we found out about the pregnancy.
Honestly, I regretting dating the guy before I found out I was pregnant.
Didn’t want a abortion because I felt it was killing. Not that I care if anyone else has had one I just felt it wasn’t for me.
Raising a child on my own. It was easy in the beginning. Even though I hated being tied to this little thing at least it was easy.
So although I always regretted dating that guy. It’s now turned into I regret being a parent.
I was not the type of person to party and drink. But I was a runner and very active traveller. No more of that.
To be a decent parent, you first need to be a decent person.
Some people say being a parent makes them a better person.
For me, being a parent has taken away my ability to be empathetic. For me being a parent has made me very judgmental. For me being a parent has made me hate other people. For me when I see children, I no longer see cute, I see germ infested tyrants. For me when I see people with children I don’t see people who have made a huge commitment, I see people who are stupid for giving up a good life. (See judgemental…)
Probably has nothing to do with your impromptu survey.
Theres a really great video on you tube from a psychologist that discusses having kids and why its a bad idea for most people.
Think about it: most will basically make that child suffer while going through the process of becoming a “better person” and I dare say that a lot of parents with children out of the home are still not that great, so wheres the logic in that?
I’m not of childbearing age anymore but would like to share my experience. I accidentally got pregnant after being married for only a month. Didnt like being pregnant and after 10 months (yes.10) had a 9 lb boy who was NOT cute because, well, 10 months. The day after going home I got very sick and had to go back to hospital.Thank God! Tried to be a “good”” new mom and breastfeed butnever liked it much. After he was aboout 5 days old he was really cute. I loved him so much but his dad was a loser. A loser who I got pregnant again when #1 was 7 months old. I divorced him. Never got a dime in child support. Back then the courts didnt care. I was not happy about having second one. Seven years later i was remarried and had #3. Tubes tied. I cant say I was thrilled about being a mom. I probably would have been fine without kids. My parents helped a lot. All of my pregnancies were accidents and after #2 I was told I’d prrobably never have more.Oops. My son died when he was 29. I have a contentious relationship with #2 and #3 wont work. I cant say it gets better. It just changes. My oldest girl is 32 and shes made so many bad financial choices shes still living with me. Every time I try to get away she follows me and blames me for her own irresponsibility. Ive decided to leave the state. Hopefully in June or July. Todays society comes down so hard on women who regret having kidds and question any woman who chooses not to. Parenthood is romanticized on TV. Its not real. And it costs a LOT of money. If one tries to live up to the stereotypes on tv and in magazines and the morning news shows they will go bonkers. I think everyone should be commended for being honest.
I’m so sorry. Youre so right that its romanticized. I’m happy to see women posting their story so others can benefit.
I secretly hate being a mother. I never wanted to be pregnant or ever have children, but I’m a ******* idiot and had careless sex with my ex. Now I feel trapped in a relationship with him and with a child I secretly wish I never had. My dream was to travel the world and focus on my career, now in stuck with a man who is all about himself, who is boring, has no ambition, lazy, depressed, and manipulative. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to just leave him. Sometimes I wish religion wasn’t a factor in my life so I could have had an abortion and continued on the right path I was once on.
I too am unhappy being a mother. I wanted a child for so long and now I feel that I never should have done this.
You can give the kids back. It is NOT the same. Not even close. Day in and day out you need to be “on” for them. As a mother who never had a desire for children but my husband literally demanded one, I hate being a mom. He goes off to work like a happy camper each day and his life has not changed much. Me on the other hand, I have had numerous medical issues, including the need for 8 surgeries after having my child, changed my life so dramatically that I don’t even recognize myself, feel trapped, alone and miserable. No family support in the area, little financial support from the husband to pay for the costly care my child has needed – while I was recovering from surgery, pre-school, clothing, shoes, toys, etc. I nursed for 2.5 years, my child NEVER slept the first year. Literally up every 2 hrs until the age of 1 yr, 3 mnths old. Husband slept in a separate room for the first 9 mnths after child was born because he needed his sleep. No help then, barely any help now. My child is now 4yrs, 4mnths old and I’m more miserable now than even before. It DOES NOT get easier, it just changes. Teaching everything a child needs to know is WORK, constant, never ending work. My child has only slept over 1 time at another relatives home. 1 time, I am NEVER without my child. The simplest of things are a challenge and added stress. Taking a shower, going to the bathroom, trying to do your hair, just getting dressed, etc. You have no idea how taxing these once simple, taken for granted tasks can be with a child. Not every child is “easy”. Some require much more interaction and attention, are more sensitive or active or born with physical issues. My child is VERY energetic and needs a lot of physical activity. Some kids can sit and play for 1 hr at at a time. My child does not. Movement is key. Stimulation is key. Sometimes, if there is a sibling, it can help but then there are challenges there too. Fighting, more expense, more energy needed for them, etc. For a woman who never had the desire for a child who now has one, I feel sorry for my child. I wish my child had different parents. I wish my husband would be more help. I wish we had family near to help give me a break. I wish my health would be back to before I had my child. I wish people would stop judging women who really don’t want kids because truly, it is the child who suffers when these women do have them under pressure. I wish people would understand that not everyone is made to have children and that needs to be OK.
It IS ok. Whats done is done but the takeaway here for women in a similar situation is to walk away. Walk away from that person that demands something you dont want.
I just want to make it absolutely clear that I am not in any way judging you. I am so sorry for your predicament, and I hope that things improve for you.
[…] Secret Confessions, parents frequently wrote their deepest darkest secrets of being a parent. In February 2009, Ann wrote, “I am depressed. I hate being a mom. I also hate being a stay at home mom […]
I started out never wanting children. I didn’t want them to feel like I did as a child. Then in my late 20’s I began to see family at Christmas with their children and it caused a longing I had never had before. By my early 30’s I had romanced the notion of having children to a complete fantasy, I blame it on the old biological clock. No one can prepare you for what being a mother is really like. It never gets easier either, no sleep is replaced by a different concern or worry at each milestone. If you have little support by a partner or family, the stress is twice as bad. It’s enough to make you crazy. I have two children 11 and 13, a boy and a girl. I love them very much but I feel my whole life has been robbed. I made the choice to have children and I even have a husband to help but your life is never the same. I had visions of sweet smart children who did their best in school and made good decisions. No one prepares you for when both your children have physically and mental problems making it even more challenging to provide and care for them. I do my very best to make them feel lived and provided for. But honestly my life feels over, I feel unappreciated, and really would advise anyone who questioned whether to have children, to stick to your first instinct. It rarely turns out like people think it will. Unless you want to sacrifice your life fully to others for the rest if it. Don’t have children.
I can’t agree with you more. I never wanted kids and with two at 16 and almost 20, I still hate it. I tell people all the time, ‘if I could turn the clock back, I would NEVER have kids’. I was talked into it and am still sorry to this day. And my kids are good kids, but all they do is cost me money and even though they love me and tell me, it does absolutely nothing for me. It continues to be a thankless job that gives me nothing. Its sucks. If you don’t want kids, listen to your heart and don’t feel pressured by anyone, society or your biological clock. I hate it!
Ive heard this so many times… too many to count. Its really annoying how society chastises women for speaking the truth about having kids. (usually women… society also represents women as wanting the kids and tricking men into having them *eyeroll*)
I love my two boys but I hate being a stay at home mom/wife. My first child was unplanned and is hell on wheels! He is high energy (4 yrs) annoying and requires tons of attention and stimulation to keep him out of trouble. I swear he is adhd and ocd!!! Drives me insane and brings out a side of me I absolutely hate. I don’t like being around him. He does not listen and makes being a mother miserable. What makes it worse is if it wasn’t for him I would not be married still. Just before I got pregnant i started college and planned on getting a career and a divorce. I had to put everything on hold because my husband helps with only bringing a paycheck home. Zero support from him and I am 2400 miles away from family and friends-even inlaws! I tried to be a SAHM but I have lost myself and I feel so trapped. My second child (7 mos) was planned and is an angel so far. What a difference!!!! yes, even at that age I could tell I was in for it with my forst born. Hell, I could tell in the womb he was gonna be a tough one!!!! I can only hope my first born does not taint my second sweet baby.
I wanted out of my marriage since the first year. My hubby had a 4 year old (now a teen) and for the first four years I was stuck caring for him when we had him which was 50/50. I was stuck because I quit a job that I had that was based on seniority and had five years invested in. You cannot just quit a job like that and go back you would have to start over at the bottom. I was promised I could go back and get a college degree. Nope, I was tricked. I was told this is what I had to do.
I try to make the best of it I really did but it doesn’t help with a demanding husband, an ungrateful child and step-son. My only hope is getting my tubes tied, my second sweet son and my two dogs-my first babies. I should have followed my gut and only had dogs and no kids and no marriage. Sometimes I think getting a divorce will help me to at least have a break and force their father to step up and be a dad. He cannot even feed or bathe them because he “doesnt know how.” Lol he does not pay bills, he does not clean, he does not cook, he does absolutely nothing but get up go to work and come home. My lack of education and lack of family support instill fear in me to not get a divorce. I don’t know how I can support myself and my children and my dogs on my own. My life sucks and I don’t know how to undo the past 10 years of mistakes that I’ve made to get where I am today. When I met my husband I was fit, I had a secure job, I had confidence, now I haven’t had a shower in three days zero sleep in a year overweight and I’m just going to bat shit crazy !!!!
I think you should follow your gut right now. You seem to be the kind of person that knows what to do, but will stick around thinking it will get better. Take care of business NOW so you can get your life back… at least somewhat… sooner rather than later!
I decided I didn’t want to be a mother this year, two years before my 30th birthday. It is like a weight had been lifted from my mind. I will be able to pursue my life as I see fit.
I agree, it is an expected social ‘norm’ and shouldn’t be. The freedom to make your own decisions is very important.
Some people call people who don’t want to be mothers selfish. I couldn’t disagree more. It means that I won’t have a child who I resent and who in turn feels resented. Selflessness doesn’t just include being a mother. I am very selfless in other ways.
I look forward to a childless future and to being honest with my future partner(s), should the topic of children arise. That way there’s no mixed messages and pressure later down the line in the relationship to bear children.
To all the women above who have been so honest about not wanting children, I applaud you. It takes courage to know yourself and strength to vocalise this out loud.
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