Hate being a mom
Posted by Ann in Hate on Feb 21st, 2009 | 386 commentsI am depressed. I hate being a mom. I also hate being a stay at home mom too!
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I am depressed. I hate being a mom. I also hate being a stay at home mom too!
anon, may I ask why you are reading a post about being a mom when you aren’t a mom? Do you indeed not regret being a mom?
Therapy sounds like a great idea but living on one salary and my husband’s pay cut will not allow me to spend money on that.
Donna,
It is nice to keep getting validations on decisions one takes. We knew it ahead of time that it was not going to be difficult to be a mother. Note that some people like children, it is just that they do not like the “job”. Good luck to all mothers. Also, some woman come to this site because they are entertaining the idea of becoming mothers. So, they are educating themsselves….
I am not exactly sure when everyone became a therapist, but sometimes it’s nice to be able to say I hate something, it takes the edge off.
For the most thankless, low paying, often self defeating job in the whole world I will admit, I hate being a mom sometimes too, and sometimes that is for weeks.
But, at the end of it all, I can just hope the choices I have made will work out, and if not…well that is just life.
i hear you loud and clear, sister.
It good to hear I’m not the only one feeling like this. I have a 6 year old son and a 2 year old daughter. I used to be a working single mom 3 years ago and loved my life. Since then I remarried, became a stay-at-home mother and had my daughter. My son was always full of energy but my daughter is 10 times worse and also very demanding, cries alot, and just needy 24/7. I also hate being a stay-at-home mother. I don’t have the joy of being a mother, I feel like my life sucks. I don’t enjoy going to the park with the kids because I’m always chasing after them, yelling at them for doing something wrong, it’s exhausting for me. I often think about what my life would be if I didnt have kids. I never thought I would feel this way. I envy some other moms I know who feel happy and satified with their lives, they also have normal and calm kids, I don’t! Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids but I hate my life right now! I would love to speak with other moms feeling like me. I think it would help me emotionally.
Yeah, wait’ll they’re teenagers. Lordy! Piercings, black hair dye, black clothes everyday, and now one wants a tattoo. If I live through this, it will be a miracle.
i get it. all the other moms seem so satisfied, and there kids are never the ones to lose their sh%* at the library. it’s hard. and it DOES make one want to stay in, b/c it’s easier than piling the kid in the car, getting them into the store, and fearing that at any moment, he/she might decide to lose it. did you read new york magazine last week. the cover story was “i love my kids but i hate my life.”
TRUST ME – you are not alone. wish we could get together and complain – just not at the library.
OMG!! it’s like I was meant to read your story. I’m feeling the same way. I love my kids ( ages 2 and 3 months) but I say to myself at least 3 times a day “what would my life be like if I didn’t have them” I don’t know about you but I also feel a lot of guilt for feeling this way after all they didn’t ask to be here. And I know so many people that can’t get pregnant, or even few who have lost kids. I’m really hoping it’s just sleep deprevation and I will feel “normal” soon. I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who feels this way, thanks again.
Hi I needed that!
Thank you for your post, you really understand too. I agree , so many people tell me, that my son did not wish to be here and I know that, but it does not help the pain and frustration inside. I have the guilt too when hearing people cant get pregant or lose children. I would die if I lost my son but it does not take away the fact that I did not ever think I would feel this way. Sleep deprivation certainly does not help!! We will do ok, I know it!!! admitting it, we can get personal growth, thank you again.
I am a stay-at-home-mum of two gorgeous girls, and most of the time I hate being a Mum. I have read the books, ask for advice from various help groups, done everything “right” and have 2 well-behaved lovely girls. But I still find myself hating the endless demands of story telling, game playing, snack making, meal making , nappy changing, cleaning up spills wiping noses brushing knotty hair (screams!) pig tails, pink and purple clothes, broken sleep. Sometimes it can be delightful, mostly it’s just hard, tiring and physically demanding and pretty boring.
NO_ONE told me or even suggested it could be this hard or told me I would never know if I would be doing a good job or not. Most of the time I think I’m pretty rubbish as a mother, but my two girls are doing really well and seem happy – so what does that mean, and why am I still so angry?
You are not alone
hey, im glad to see there are lots of us that hate this job, i have 2 small boys 2 and 4yrs….its sooooooooooo hard! i actually hate it!
why people want children is beyond me…unless they r people who dont want to make a good life for them sel, cuz u got no chance once u have kids!
what are we meant to do….just hate our lives, or leave them? some one help me please cuz i have no idea
i hear you sister. i dont have answers but admitting it is the best first step. i think getting a break is helpful, knowing they will grow up someday is helpful, knowing other moms are feeling the same way is helpful. stick with it, it will get better for us, i know it. i try every day not to hate it so much and try to find good things. let the hate and goodness flow through us and not attach to either feeling, kinda like a Buddist would. i have learned alot from meditation.
i feel angry too sometimes. it is ok. you are doing a great job Mom.
I am a 28-year-old woman. I immigrated from Russia in the hopes of receiving the best education that would enable me to realize my dream of working as a human rights lawyer. I thought the US would be the best country for that, since all I heard growing up in the Soviet Union and then post-Soviet Russia is that America is a heaven for women, that US women are all independent, freedom-loving, highly educated and ambitious-true shakers and movers of humanity. Tired of age-old Russian patriarchy, which reduced me to nothing more than a uterus and a vagina to be used and exploited by men, I purchased an airline ticket to the US. I was so excited, so hopeful. But upon arrival, I very unpleasantly surprised to discover that women in the US are badgered into marrying and reproducing just as much as their counterparts in Russia or India. For the past 10 years, I have been a subject of harassment by other people, mostly women, overwhelmingly mothers, asking me incessant, and may I note, very inappropriately personal, ill-mannered and just outright tasteless questions of when I plan to have kids, followed up by patronizing remarks of how selfish childless-by-choice women are (yes, instead of getting pregnant, I am preparing to go to the Middle East to fight for human rights, for which I will very likely be killed in a very violent manner one day-how incredibly selfish and vapid of me!), and how empty and meaningless one’s life is without kids, who, I presume, are THE source of meaning and purpose in life. And after I was engaged to a very nice American guy, a self-identified feminist, no less (we certainly do not have such men in Russia!), a few years ago, his female relatives “welcomed” me into the family by first, harassing me with similar questions and remarks, and then, upon encountering my resistance and insistence that they were being far too intrusive and impolite, simply ostracized me. Nowadays, when I do attend any family functions, which I desperately try to avoid like a bubonic plague, I find myself sitting all alone in a room, while everyone, except for my fiancee and his very kind father, avoids me and treats me as if I have leprosy. So, allow me to ask you, ladies, the following question: you are all moms, you know very well that having kids may not be for everyone, that motherhood is not a continuous Hallmark moment, that it is not a one-fit-for-all model of happiness and personal fulfillment, so why do so many of you, upon meeting a childless woman like myself, proceed to tear her and her life choices to pieces? Why do so many of you deceive young women into making a very big, irreversible mistake by not being honest with us, not sharing your true feelings and experiences?
I admit, I did mentally entertain an idea of having a child, especially since it appears to be the only route for me to win acceptance and just plain civility from my in-laws-to-be. But then again, having kids to appease other people, to gain social recognition and acceptance is very wrong and misguided, in my opinion. No? Am I wrong? Everyone assures me that I would feel so very different once I give birth, that I would be so completely in love with my own baby, that I would grow to see that motherhood is so much more befitting for me than fighting Taliban and Congolese war-lords… I am not convinced though. Am I missing something? Offline mothers in unison profess the “gospel” of motherhood. But online moms express completely opposite feelings and opinions. I am so very confused. Please give me your advice.
You might want to post this reply at the bottom of the page so that more people will notice it as a new reply. That said, here is my opinion as a fellow child-free woman:
Recently a friend of mine got pregnant with her first child. When she told her Mom the news, her Mom started cackling wildly and said “Now you’re going to know just how hard it is!!!” My friend was horrified and shocked to get that reaction. It didn’t surprise me at all, though: misery loves company.
Hi Anna
thanks for your long and thoughtful post. I am glad there are women who know who they are and it is certainly fine not to have children and not to want them. I give you a warm support. I do have a child and and very career oriented and it is not working out the way I planned it. I think I should not have had a child but I am making the best of it right now. I am sorry society puts pressure on women in so many ways that are so not necessary. One is weight and looks, another is being a career women or stay at home mom , one is pressure to marry , or have children, then commenting on what kind of mom we are. It really is not a fair world when it comes to women vs men, is it?
As another childfree (like some kids, never had any urge to have them) woman, I can agree with the misery loves company meme.
Don’t let anyone else dictate your life choices. If you want kids, have them. If you would rather die than have kids, don’t have them. If you would rather have golden retrievers, go for it.
Yes, even in progressive America you are often thought of as some kind of defective if you don’t jump on the baby train. If you do have kids, you are also thought of as defective if you dare vocalize that motherhood is not all Kodak moments and what it is cracked up to be.
My mom is a grandmother and loves it, but I told her long ago not to expect anything from me beyond granddogs and grandcats. And my mom was wise enough to say that kids are indeed overrated. (And I have sufficient self-esteem to know exactly what she means without it being a personal hit.)
Katthia,
I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old I use to bartend at night but I am now a stay at home mom:( I HATE IT! I have no life and I am sick of cleaning and doing wash 24/7. I try to get out of the house but the kids get to me and I feel like pulling my hair out. I love my kids but I am just so unhappy with this person that I have become. I feel like its a repeat everyday. My husband works and is not a BIG help when hes home and on top of all of that I miss my husband I mean going out and doing things with him like we use to. I want to change my life for the better but I just don’t know how?
I hear you….I hate myself for even thinking it but I just want to run away sometimes. I hate the person that the kids make me be when their demands send me over the top.
I hate being a mom as well. I feel like my child is one in a million and nobody would understand if I told them I wanted nothing more than to walk away from my life. I am married, have a 3 year old and I am a stay at home mom as well. 25 years old. Shoot me.
I love my girls ages 1 and 3 weeks, but if someone had told me a couple of years ago I would have these kids, I would have them they were nuts! I met a man, got married and had kids in no time flat. I am only 25 and being a stay at home mom is draining me. Worst of all, my husband just doesn’t understand how I can feel this way. He treats me like I am a bad mom with problems because I don’t jump for joy at every moment. He gets to leave and go to work! What I wouldn’t give to have a paying job. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments that are very rewarding, but I miss my me time and my time alone with my husband. He doesn’t seem to care, which just makes me feel like I might be happier if we just went our seperate ways. Grr, this is beyond frustrating!
I feel the exact same way.Thanks!
I also feel the same way!!!! I used to feel like life had so much potential and now I just feel like I’m stuck in this house for the next 18 years!
I am so glad I am not alone!
IT SUCKS! You feel stuck once you do it. It is like owning a monkey (or two in my case) that you have to take care of at all times; both at home and in public.
How ’bout this- When your friends ask if they should have kids…the truth makes you sound horrible.
But, every time I have told the truth I always follow it with : “If I wasn’t going thru this now, I would be in a few years because I would have thought children were missing from my life.”
It sucks out loud to be a mom because you lose part of yourself, you lose your husband and your relationship changes, and the kids are so annoying and selfish. And, my kids are great! If I had brats, I can’t even imagine.
I am sooooo tired of cleaning, re-cleaning, and then having everything trashed again. And, oh, wait, we did buy those toys so they could play with them, right….
And, making food to have then say, I don’t like it or I don’t want it. Oh, my god I want to say horrible things some days!
Nothing ever stays clean, food on the floor and all through the house.
Was a blast when I was still working with only one and felt productive in life, useful, important.
It is the most under-appreciated, under-thanked job there is. And, not sleeping. Then, we are supposed to look nice too. That’s not as tough since when you stay at home you can at least go work out. But, oh my god. Who knew how it would really be. We fall in love with the cute toys, bedding, little socks, baby clothes – and our love with our husbands seem like extra huge bliss when you take the leap of having a baby. Actually creating a life. What the heck was I thinking?!!!!
I am so glad I am not alone!
Wow. Same here. Thanks for the honesty. I was crying and what you said made me laugh for a bit without feeling guilty!
I always knew I didn’t want kids. I married a really nice but, totally irresponsibile man. He eventually convinced me to have a child. I wad a happy workaholic & very social. I’ve not left the house since I became pregnant in ’06! My pregnancy was brutal. Delivery was even worse. 37 hours of labor before a C-section. Then they accidentally sliced my bladder, was in the hospital for a week & went home with a cathadar attached to my leg for two more weeks. I was post-partum. My son didn’t sleep for more than 1 & 1/2 hours for the first 10 months before I finally figured out he was alergic to gluten. All the while my husband & mother in law blamed me for just doing things wrong, & gave NO support. “where’s my hot fancy meal when I get home”, my husband would ask. I have no living family of my own, & no friends left as depression & self isolation took over. After much therapy, counceling, research, & trying, my husband finally took a walk in March of this year. Thank god! My son is so much happier. His dad was completely absent & totally contrary. Not so nice to my son because he was busy being too jealous of the stolen time & energy not consumed by my child. I try. I really, really try. I’m not a terrible mom, & I love my child like no other. He’s a really good boy, & I am so blessed. But I feel sorry that I am not so fun, have no personality anymore, because I have zero stimulation. I am unemployed, desperately moneyless, have NO help, & no opportunities to change anything. I just wish I didn’t bring this sweet soul into this hurtfull world. My mom didn’t want me, & she made sure I knew. I would never be so cruel. Our choices are our choices & I try to stay positive & work on my spiritual self for the sake of my son. I’ve had a most challenging life, & had a strong spirit which always pushed me forward with good sense. But since my son, I’ve lost my will & wish daily that I could just not wake up tomorrow. Which is also sad & impossible because I can’t decide what would be worse. Raising my son with my broken spirit, or checking out & sparing him of myself. Lost, lonely, & hopeless…
Totally get it. I am in almost the same situation. So sick of the happy go lucky moms who think being a mom is the best life anyone could ever choose, and you are a monster if you think otherwise
i agree with you 100%
I SOOOOO AGREE!!!
Wow, your story touched my heart. I’m also a mom of 2 boys. One is 3 and the other 18 months. It’s soooo freakin hard. It’s like everyday, all I do is dicipline, dicipline, dicipline. I clean, but for what? Everything just gets messed-up in a half hour. I do to church and I pray for patience and understanding. I try to put meaning to my life, but it’s so hard to be positive. I HATE it when I go on facebook and read posts that say what a joy it is to be a mother and all that sh*t. I honestly think they feel the same way we do, but don’t show it. It’s not easy, it’s not always a joy. I just hope it’s all worth it at the end.
God bless you all!!!
I understand how you feel, being resentful and bored because you’re a mum is the greatest taboo. When my husband goes to work, i’m envious as i know my day will be filled with the same tedium and demands as the day before. Whilst he gets recognition in the work-force and hanging out with his colleauges. I remember the days when i could just gaze into space uninterrupted, or read a book without making bribes with my child. I love my child but you are definitely not alone, it’s just sad that people can only admit this stuff on a computer.
I know. Having a place to admit this is so therapeutic. you are not alone either.
Right there with ya Katthia, I too am a SAHM and am so looking forward to summer ending so my son who’s 4 1/2 goes back to school. We can’t afford day camp for him on one salary either. I also have a 20 month old daughter. Either I stay home all day day and listen to them fight or I force myself to go to the mall, spray park etc. I too dread doing all of it and sometimes feel guilty since it seems like the rest of the parents are having the times of their lives. I too hate having to apologize for my son’s behavior to other parents, especially when they snub me. Also tired of the lame small talk with other mom’s there, “how old is yours” blah blah, who gives a shit. I don’t have any girlfriends here in FL either and I’m not the mommy group type, sounds like more work than pleasure..I’m the type who would rather hang out alone than w/someone I really don’t enjoy. I just wish I had a social life once in a while that didn’t involve children what so ever, like going out for drinks and good laughs/conversation. I just try to keep thinking that one day soon this will all be over and the kids will be doing their own thing and I’ll just be bitching about my job or something…such as life, cheer up…
Thanks for posting your feelings. I feel the exact same way. How do you feel good when you are always having to tell someone ‘No, don’t!’ It sucks in so many ways. Not having any alone time, not ever getting to relax. It’s hard for me to because my son’s father doesn’t understand. He thinks I should be happy. He’s your kid why do you need a break?
****, I just want to be an independent woman again, with my own space and time to reflect on things. It feel like you always have to react and you don’t have time to breathe. It’s annoying and life-sucking! I want my old life back!
Katthia,
I feel EXACTLY the same way. I started out being a SAHM with my first child (who is 3 1/2 now) & have never liked it. I got pregnant w/ 2nd child when baby was only 10mths old. I always wanted children & now that I have them can’t believe this is the path I wanted so much to follow. I thought being a mom would be fun, boy was I wrong. My oldest is VERy needy also, can’t play by himself, I always have to be giving him 100% of my attention. Thankfully my 2nd baby was total opposite of 1st born. 1st cried nonstop for 5 months. 2nd was very easy baby, slept well from day 1, only cried if he really needed something. He also will just find a toy & play alone while I’m entertaining his big brother. I see a psychiatrist & started taking anti-depressants about 8mths ago. It helps but I still hate being a mom. I get little or no time to myself & I can’t remember the last time I went to the bathroom without an audience. I know I should feel blessed for having 2 healthy kids but I’m miserable. My life is not that horrible, there a millions worse off than me but that doesn’t change the fact that I can’t stand being a mom =(
When I read your line “I don’t have the joy of being a mother, I feel like my life sucks” … that discribes me down to a T .. I am a mother of 3 & I used to love motherhood even thou I found it extremely exhausting at times, then when my 2nd child at the age of 2/3 became what I can only describe as the ‘devil child’ I discovered what depression meant! People often said it was because of jealousy of his little sister, but it wasn’t, he loved & still does love her to bits. I am on a daily basis crying due to behaviour (Jeykll & Hyde)& toileting problems with him .. he’s 7 tomorrow. My other 2 children are fine & have none of these issues, but I am so depressed & wish I could run away or end it all, often think of death (for me not the children, could never hurt them) … but they are here because of me so I have to stick with it. Been trying for medical help for 5 years now with no luck, I feel trapped & long to be back at work, were I was me, not slave … I am so jealous of hearing those all around me that love motherhood & have no problems as I wish I felt that way .. I used to. I feel my other children are suffering because of this …oh I wish I was a stronger person & could handle this, I used to be but have been so ground down with it all, I hate my daily life … I long for work to escape this daily hell, & my husband coming home to help me & then finally bedtime.
I understand and feel the same way I have two boys who are overly hyperactive never take naps and its just a drain on me to do any “normal” things as other moms do with their kids.
I know you think it sucks but find relief knowing that even the women who seem to have it all together, don’t have it all together… and there is no kid alive that doesn’t do what your kids are doing! :) so don’t fret, this to soon shall pass and know that we ALL go through it… some of us just hide it better than others!! :)
I hear you! I never grew up dreaming of being a mom. When I got preg. on our hm, I was devistated, just not ready. I grew to be excited, during the pregnancy but now that she is here, I HATE being a mom, and I hate staying home. There are days I love it, but mostly I am just lonely and sick of the darn crying 24/7. She is so needy. She can’t stand being separated from me for an instant. I can’t even dress myself with out her crying. I hope this is just part of ppd and will go away someday, and I will enjoy mothering.
As of now, I can’t imagine having anymore children. I can’t wait till she is 6 months or so, then I can think seriously about going back to work.
i feel the same way. being a mom is a thankless, never-ending job no one appreciates.
All you moms are wonderful. You rise to the ocassion every day with little or no thanks, some with little or no support. I was married briefly about 24 years ago and my ex wanted children. We didn’t talk about it much because, apart from work, his main enjoyment in life was coming home, eating good food that I prepared after working full-time myself, and watching TV. He “just decided” that he wanted kids. I don’t know why. I was pretty sure I didn’t and had already told him so, but, to be fair, I agreed to talk about it and vioce all concerns. I asked him frankly if I could count on him to equally share in the responsibility. He just laughed and said, “Sure, when they’re quiet and clean.” I said that this wasn’t funny…it was a serious question that I needed answered. He just kept laughing, unable to be a man and have a real conversation about something that would affect the rest of our lives. We never did talk it out because he would not stop watching TV. So, that was one of the reasons I decided against it. I knew I would have zero support and would be like a maid to two people instead of just one.
I already pretty much knew that motherhood wasn’t for me and I have never regretted the decision. It is thankless, demanding, exhausting, and any other mind-numbing adjective you can think of. I know because my sister has three children and no help. She has two deadbeat ex husbands who were children themselves and couldn’t handle being a man or a father. Since all this happened, she has changed from the sister I once knew to a depressed, stressed, anxious, exhausted mess. I can plainly see that she loves her kids, but because they have abandonment issues, they are clingy, needy, whiney and don’t give her a minute’s peace. She can’t talk on the phone for thirty seconds without a barrage of “Mom! MOM!! MOMMMMM!!” It makes ME crazy!
I don’t know why I got going on all that, but I think you all are great moms. The reason I say that is because of what a couple of you mentioned. If you didn’t care, none of this would matter. They could watch TV all evening, eat take-out food all the time, destroy the house, skip school, talk back, or maybe even burn the house down. It’s because you care that you put such effort into their upbringing. This country – this planet – has enough morally bankrupt people. Thank you to all moms who care about your children. You will raise some fine citizens…you may not know that today or tomorrow, but the day will come. All your hard work will not be in vain.
Laura, Lynn and Katthia, as mom of two overwhelming teenagers, previously married to a complete man-child I LOVE your responses.. lol, THANK YOU, you’ve all validated me
I just cried when I read this because of how I feel I think I’m a bad mother but I would never leave them with their father and hes my husband and that right there lets me know I care a lot for them I just love every word that you wrote. THANK YOU
thank you for your words. I agree we are seeing us admit our true emotions and it is because we care. it bothers us that we hate this job being a mom. We care and wish it was not so. thank you
I also had tears appear, as well as a lump in my throat. IT IS THE TOUGHEST job I have ever endured. It is 24/7 and you can’t quit. It was nice to hear what you said and that you understand what your sister is going through, as well as all of us.
I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old I use to bartend at night but I am now a stay at home mom:( I HATE IT! I have no life and I am sick of cleaning and doing wash 24/7. I try to get out of the house but the kids get to me and I feel like pulling my hair out. I love my kids but I am just so unhappy with this person that I have become. I feel like its a repeat everyday. My husband works and is not a BIG help when hes home and on top of all of that I miss my husband I mean going out and doing things with him like we use to. I want to change my life for the better but I just don’t know how?
I agree with all of you. Being a mother just destroys who you once were. Your hopes and dreams, sanity, independence and freedom are gone the minute u give birth to that screaming wrinkled ball of flesh. You are no longer a happy beautiful energetic skinny and well rested woman…you become a faceless sleep deprived zombie who takes care of everyone else but themselves.
I agree women are expected to put everyone’s needs above their own and it sucks. I have to continuously remind myself i have a brain, after spending the whole day listening to gibberish. And to make matters worse, we’re made to feel guilty for feeling like this. Being a mother can be soul-destroying and at times a thankless job – we have the right to at least own our feelings. Our grandmothers didn’t have the luxury of being able to vent on-line.
i am in the same boat. i have a beautiful 5 yr old daughter, but hate being a mom. i am also a single mother and have to work full time to make ends meet. i have no friends or social life and my only help comes from family. my daughters father is in jail and my daughter blames me for our divorce. she tells me everyday that she hates me. at times, i feel like i just cant take it anymore emotionally. i cry a lot and dream about what life would have been like for me had i not had a child.
Maureen
how come in this society it feels so bad to be honest about feelings of not liking motherhood? I am a single mom of a 5 yr old boy. I hate being a mom. I hate being a working mom. I hate feeling trapped and like a noose is around my neck. I would never let my son know this and I feel I hide it well from him, but I too wonder what life would be like right now if I did not have him. I want to be free from resposibility and not live this life. But I do love him and feel obligated to care for him. I just think I should have never done this, especially alone. guess it is too late but that is what I wish for. dont let anyone make you feel bad about being you and being honest. With honesty , you can only have growth and with growth answers can be found. I beleive it will get better for us. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, being a parent. I hate it but willing to stick with it.It is ok to hate something. Crying is therapeutic and dreaming is good too. I would never do anything rash but God it feels good to vent. I have been looking for support groups in my area. They are hard to find. Good luck and keep your chin up.single moms are the unsung heros of today!
Good single moms are the unsung heroes of today…whiney hateful ones are not. Get your facts straight.
Lisa, you shouldn’t bring negativity into a forum where people who feel overwhelmed are just being honest. Sometimes people get a little extreme when they vent. It helps them heal. Don’t be so quick to judge.
You “mothers” are the reason someone invented adoption.
Think about it. You self centered wenches.
How do you have the right to comment when you have never had a child?? Grow up.
if they are such self centered wiches, what are you doing researching the unhappy mom site then???
Get off the forum! This made for us to express ourselves, not to be criticized by bitter people like you!
I would bet any amount of money that you are a bitter, barren women who desperately wants children and can’t have them. If you WERE a mother you would agree with us, or at the very understand where we are coming from. Get a life, get a man, go have a kid (or adopt, since you seem to be a big fan of adoption) and we’ll see you back here after the kid is born commiserating with us. None of us ever said we hated/didn’t love our children, but it is incredibly overwhelming at times, and the feeling of being overwhelmed can get the best of us every once in a while. I love my kids to death and could never leave/abandon them, but lord knows I would love nothing more than a vacation to myself (although i’d be calling my children every five minutes while on vacation to make sure they are ok…).
Why the hell are you on this page then? Don’t you have better things to do Ms. Self-Righteous? Get a grip. If you think you have no weakness in your life… you are delusional.
To those who are criticizing all of us who are using this forum as a positive outlet for our frustration, what is your problem?? Don’t you get that we are doing the best possible thing for our children by venting here & sharing stories w/ others that are going through similar things? This site basically amounts to an online support group. Would you prefer we keep it all bottled up inside since it’s taboo to speak of such things even to our closest friends/family? You might suggest speaking w/ a professional–I do that already. It’s not enough to just talk about it to someone that has never experienced what I’m going through. If it is the well-being of our children that you are most concerned about, you are not doing them any favors by taking away one of the very few places we can speak openly & freely about how we truly feel. Venting here & reading others’ experiences helps me not to feel so alone. That in turn makes it easier for me to get out of bed & face each new day & all the challenges I know it holds.
Wow!!! I knew that having children was challenging and that it changed your life, but I never knew people hated it. I’m 22 and I have no children and I read your responses because I wasn’t sure if I even wanted any in the future. I have seen some people have children and absolutely enjoy being parents, while others that I had seen wished that they could get their lives back. I guess my biggest question is do some of you who don’t enjoy your children dislike them because they weren’t planned and it may have been fine at a different point at your life? That is what I hear most people saying around me. They are moms because they have to be. I’m just curious is all. And I know all of you all will end up creating wonderful individuals that will contribute to society.
Thank you for your post. I had reservations about having a child, so i had a career and then at age 40 had a child. I had romantic dreams about being a mom and my mom told me how great it was for her. so i thought it was what i wanted. boy was i wrong. But I never thought i would feel this way. I thought there is nothing i do on the weekends and nights that I cant have a child with me and enjoy. I knew i wasnt the baby type but thought it would be alot more enjoyable that it is. my son was planned but being a single mom was not planned!
I think having a child whether planned or not is the same. It’s going to be hard whether you wanted to have children or not. I didn’t plan my pregnancies, but I love my kids, and I have sacraficed my life for them. All of these mothers have sacraficed their lives for their children. No one knows what it feels like to give-up their life, until they do it. Really do it. We are doing it, and excuse us if we need to vent a little bit. Damn.
dont. i wish i didnt. i’m going to tell you what most people wont, that having and taking care of a child is the hardest thing and most unrewarding thing you will ever do. you can forget having a meaningful career because even if you make good money, you (not your husband) will be expected to drop it once the baby comes along. you may continue to work but forget promotions and moving up. you will have zero free time. going to the movies, dinner (i’m not counting fast food), theater, art shows, etc. will become a thing of the past. you will have no time to care about your appearance/take care of yourself. you will learn, somehow, how to function on 4 hours of sleep or less at a time. you will do it all with a smile on your face for all the other moms as you sit around at play dates talking endlessly about the most boring things…feedings, naps, toys, dr visits, strollers, how to comfort and crying baby etc. if you go back to work you will be called selfish. if you do not go back to work you will be placated and ignored by most everyone besides other sahms. people will say “isn’t that nice” and then continue to ignore you. you will start to feel like a shell of a person, not much of a person as much as a husk of what was. doing a load of laundry will be your day’s accomplishment. you will have to answer endlessly to child-free people and your husband “what do you do all day” and “must be nice to stay at home”. unless you become a fitness nut, your body will never be the same again. and yes, my child was planned.
I can relate to alot of these women here, When I was younger, I had a full scholarship to an art school, I was ready to get into the military and be more than what society wanted for me . Until I met -him- I never dated and thought having kids was just out of the question, I liked my life the way it was, my identity was…my own, until I started dating my soon to be husband.
I found out I was pregnant and all my dreams seemed to shatter away and went down the drain because he wanted to keep it.
I was no longer my own person but attached to a ball and chained… to this responsibility that I was unsure about, not only was I unsure about my capabilities but unsure if I can be that selfless to raise another adult into society.
I have been through so much in my life everywhere from being raped, to losing my brother who was a victim of gang violence just because he was at the wrong place and the wrong time walking to go get his pregnant fiance an ice cream…., I just feel like a break is out of the question, in my husband’s eyes…I am having fun being at home. And that I get time to myself…….I can’t even write a simple graph without ” MOM I need a towel” get it yourself
Like many here, I get no help with raising these kids, I have a 4 year old who likes to whine about everything, even share my bed with me, and then I have a Nine year old who is a special needs. Being tired is a natural response when it comes to parenthood , in fact I am just down right languored .
I scream and yell at my kids, I spank and take away their x-box 360′s and their t.v’s I curse and growl when they ask me for a napkin when they can get it themselves, especially the husband who feels entitled to being served yet has no respect for the hard labor an at home mother is implied to. But guess what, i’m human, I feel, like a lot of these other mothers do, does it mean we hate our kids? No we’re just tired of men not being there to help and raise these kids with us yet they are found having a drink at the bar or playing WoW.
I still wear pants that I had seven years ago, but my husband who complains about money when I tell him I need to go grocery shopping, can still go buy himself Xbox Games guilt free.
My deliveries with my children was hard on me and my body, and I even had to have my tubes tied because of the risk of dying, im so thankful for my tubes being tied! When someone I know tells me that they are pregnant my first response is ” i’m sorry” I’ll tell all of you what kind of support I have at home , After I went through an emergency c section due to unstable heart beats in my youngest I went into shock and had to be placed on oxygen, i never felt so bad in my life, just mutilated, my beautiful body……ruined by a child and the hands of Dr.s. My boobs leaking everywhere, my abdomen sliced, and not to mention i was now on post period, with an oxygen tank stuck at my side. Against Dr.s orders after my husband said he would be there for me if i went home, the Dr had released me, I hate men and their stupid child like inabilities to fathom what this pain is like, or have a remote sense of compassion or appreciation for the strife we go through, I went home, climbed two flights of stairs, and finally when i had been able to sit in bed, guess where he went?????
To the bar.
That’s right. To the bar, and left me home with my special needs child and a new born right after a c section..
I would like to see someone tell me that I as a mother do not have a right to hate what i’m doing, the responsibility and toll that this has taken on me or tell me that I do not have a right to be tired.
I dare you.
Men , they need to pull away from this mommy syndrome that they have, in today’s genre, I see more and more men who are in this mommy complex needy impulses to find a mother to marry, not a wife then I even remember when I was a child.
I don’t do drugs, won’t drink, the money I do scrap up for change or what cheapo gives me goes straight to my daughters. Just because I have regrets doesn’t make me a bad mother.
I’m not perfect, nobody is.
For all of these – i can’t even say people because honestly they don’t act civil enough to be called such- that put this poor hard working mother down for being tired a kind of tired that only a mother can suffer or single parent could feel, you should really take a good look in the mirror before you cast stones at her, we are all allowed to feel remorse for the lives we lost because of child rearing.
Half of these people who called this woman a whore, **** what ever probably have some inner deep anger or regret or even a dark entombed secret that they are ashamed of, but the difference between this woman’s admit is that she had the guals to be honest and not tweak in suppression.
Most of these people cussing and being repugnant could not handle being an at home mother with absolutely no support from anyone, wake up take care of a special needs child and a 4 year old with whiney complex syndrome of always being right, and dealing with emotional abuse from our significant others daily.
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God bless you! I have a four yr old daughter, that is four going on twenty four at times, and a three yr old son on the autistic spectrum. Just tonight, i asked him to give me the cough medicine and tylenol for my daughter from the fridge (she’s getting a cold) and a cup of juice, he yelled at me and told me i ask for “too ******* much, I work you sit on your ass with the kids all day, you get up and do it”. The best is that when i voice my frustrations he tells me if i didnt want the responsibility of kids i shouldn’t have made them, um excuse me?? this coming from the man that can’t walk into the kitchen to get his daughter her medicines and some juice to drink, which i ended up doing myself while carrying my daughter and having my cranky three yr old attached to my leg…
A neglectful husband is an abusive husband. I can’t believe that a judge can’t order a husband to step up and participate when judges can order ex-husbands to step up and pay. It’s definitely not fair, how he treats you.
There are many nice guys out there, but a lot of them are shy and alone, and don’t think women want them. I wish I had advice for you, but I don’t know what you should do. It seems like your selfish husband doesn’t do you any good, though.
What if you called that doctor and told him what your husband did? Aren’t doctors supposed to help abused women?
Oh please. Go read “I hate being his wife” she is a stay at home mom of a special needs kid. She loves it.
So not everyone in your shoes has your crappy outlook on life.
I am sorry but NONE of you who whine about how you got pregnant and didn’t want the baby..but had it for your man..NOT one single one of you deserve a break. You should have had an abortion or given the baby up for adoption. Oh you just couldn’t bear with either of those options? Whine whine whine.
Your children didn’t ask to be born, they didn’t ask for hateful nasty mothers who spank and scream at them, who didn’t want them.
You think you are so wonderful and holier than thou because you kept your kids? And now you hate them and your life? COP OUT and you get no props.
Seriously, you ARE the reason adoption and abortion was created. If you are against abortion for religious reasons..I wonder what your god would think about the sins you are confessing on this thread? Oh wait..he doesn’t give a crap.
Seriously, go back to your trailer parks…keep your legs closed and stop pumping out kids, some of you are like friggin baby factories.
How dare u judge anyone typing on here just to get there thoughts out and VENT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You rather we are kill ourselves and leave our kids with noone…….
How immature you are!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey crazy, no one said anything about killing yourselves. Clearly you need to learn to read.
Venting is one thing. Being self centered and unable to be a good parent is another.
PS You should learn how to spell. THEIR not there. No one not noone.
Lisa,
Grow up. I have a Master’s from Cambridge University and have lived in five countries throughout my 20s. I speak four languages fluently (English, Mandarin Chinese, Spanish and Portuguese) and am about to go to law school to specialize in International Refugee Law. I’m 31 and I too have decided not to have children because I love them too much to know that I would never want to give up everything to attend to them. BUT, let me tell you Lisa, as a person with an advanced degree from an ivy league university who has been around the world, you’re the only person who sounds ignorant here. You should never impose your limited, narrow-minded worldview on ANYONE without understanding where they come from first. Some people enjoy motherhood, some people don’t, period. What type of hateful, ignorant, intolerant society do you plan to help create when you judge women for their honesty? Grow up honey. You’re the one who needs an education and the ability to see beyond your own limited reality. You sound hurt, childish and fraught with personal issues when you have not a shred of compassion for a plight that is very real not just here in America but around the world.
Oh please save it. You have no grounds to even post here being that you are NOT A MOTHER. At least I am. At least you were smart enough to know you would be a crappy parent and didn’t get yourself knocked up for a man or because you didn’t know how to use birth control.
thank you Tina, for the powerful to the point and right on post. I admire your convictions. wish i knew what i was giving up for motherhood before i became a mom. you are smart and a visionary. thank you for your words.
If you are such a good mom, why are you wasting your time spreading your evil opinions? Nice role model.
Go take care of you kids you angry excuse for a human!
Lisa, the only person I can hear whining is YOU.
I agree everyone has the right to vent, being a parent is lonely enough without denying our true feelings. And if expression helps keep us sane from the endless demands and loss of freedom – then we have that right.
I agree 100%. Go girl
I don’t take my aggresion out on my children. I think it is so funny how someone who has never had a child can even have the nerve to comment. Both of my girls were planned. It doesn’t mean I planned on post partum depression, a husband who said he would be 50-50 but isn’t, or a baby with colic. These things just happen. I am completely pro-choice, but that wasn’t a choice for me. How dare you put people down when you have not walked a mile in their shoes. Oh, and I live in a nice home, come from a two parent home, and have a college education. What about you?
If you have a college education how did you miss the numerous times I said I am a MOTHER!?
Seriously Lisa, what IS your problem? You sound like the angriest, nastiest, most intolerant person imaginable. Not great qualities in a mother. The reason Alicia thought you were childless is because there are two women called Lisa posting on this site – one is nice and has never been a mother, and the other is you.
you wrote that you didn’t have any children in your second post.
And you clearly cannot grasp that there could be more than one Lisa in this world or on this forum.
I feel sorry for your kid(s). I bet they will later wished you aborted them for having a piece of crap for a mother.
NOT, because I take very good care of my son. He has special needs and I enjoy every second I spend with him. I almost lost him five times. I cherish him and he knows it. SURE being a mom is hard, frustrating, sometimes the same thing day in and day out, you almost lose your mind, but I don’t wish my son was not born!
I guess it’s too far of a grasp that like you ladies venting about your angst, so you don’t take it out on your kids…is exactly what I am doing too.
Just because I am harsh and not hand holding you all through this and I am calling out one certain group of people posting here, doesn’t make me a bad or angry person. It just means I don’t agree with people saying they wished their children were never born.
Try thinking about the mom’s who have almost lost their children and you will (hopefully) understand why this statement would bother us.
I have NO, zip, nada, and not one speck of issue with the rest of you.
I wish you would take off your blinders and really read my posts!
I feel very sorry for you, it is people like you that makes this society so closed minded and suppressed making antidepressants more popular .
I have a right…., like anyone else here to write out my feelings and openly express myself, apparently you are the only person who is offended.
Quote:: Seriously, go back to your trailer parks…keep your legs closed and stop pumping out kids, some of you are like friggin baby factories.
wow…btw, i live in a very well established and gated community, and keep my legs closed? Are you serious? I have been with the same man and have been married to the same man ( the father of both my children )for over ten years, and you want to call some of us *****? Are you that ignorant sweety?
Quote:::.I wonder what your god would think about the sins you are confessing on this thread? Oh wait..he doesn’t give a crap.
Again with your assumptions , i’m an
agnostic.
Quote:::Your children didn’t ask to be born, they didn’t ask for hateful nasty mothers who spank and scream at them, who didn’t want them.
excuse me?
I spank my kids in reason, how dare you tell me how to raise my kids when in fact you do not have any yourself? When my kids act out in the middle of the store, I will not allow others to tolerate my kids misbehavior. I give my kids everything!
I think you need to grow up and become a little more mature ( esp for your age) before joining an adult group such as this, your ignorance is unbecoming
Do not put down these ladies for having the hardest job there is, im sure if you asked your mother how she had felt about you , when you were a child, you may be very shocked by her answer.
If you are so -godly- sweety, :
Matt. 7:1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged.”
Matt 7:2-5 “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged
Look at John 7:24. There, Jesus tells us to judge, but to do so righteously. Righteously means to use the Truth of the Word to discern sins and not by appearances only
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Don’t bother with Lisa. For all we know “Lisa” could be a fat piece of crap 45 year old man who plays world of warcraft all day (and tormenting mothers online). Lisa is just an internet troll looking to yank peoples’ chains.
And yet I’m not. Plus I didn’t say all of those quoted messages.
I am going to say sorry for the trailer park and legs closed comment. I had a very stressful day with my child, he had to be rushed to the hospital. Anyways, he is ok now and home.
I wish you would all get that I have NO angst with YOU, or almost all of you! ONLY the mom’s who wish their kids were never born…and say extremely nasty hurtful things about their children. It’s MY right to express my opinion, just as it is yours.
I dont understand why so many of you are pissed off at me, when you are not even the mothers I was calling out.
Do you have a guilty heart over something? Or what?
I see how this is…your kid pisses you off so you come on here to bash us to relieve yourself,
Makes perfect sense! Do you feel better now?
And yes those quotes are from you!!!..
maybe instead of coming off in such a manner, you really should be a little nicer.
I have felt this way for quit some while, and was always too embarrassed to admit it. I HATE being a stay at home mom. I am a single mom on top of that. I have a two and a half year old, and a one and a half year old twins!!! Caring for them totally consumes me, I have NO time for myself, even to think. I can’t afford daycare right now, their dad was abusive and is a jerk. All they do is scream, cry, fight and demand pretty much all of my time. I have sooo much resentment, that their father gets to go on with his life like he doesn’t even have kids, he never gives me a break, and only pays child support. I am super stressed, and sometimes I wish I had never met him and had his kids. I fel guilty and ashamed for feeling that way. I so hope this will get a little easier.
I know exactly how you feel! My 2 yearold is clean, fed, lots of toys, and entertained…but even after it all I feel like a prisoner:( I feel so guilty for bringing her into this world. She was literally born a day before the economy/stock market went to sh*t. The stress trying to keep us all fed and a roof over are head on top of her being the biggest ball of energy…I can barely take it most days…I majored in psychology in college and I know I am not giving her the most ideal environment but I just don’t have the patience…if I didn’t have TV for her I would have lost my mind completely…thank you disney channel!
OMG, I needed this too!!!You are all wonderful people. Thank you for the validation also. The ones that are negative, I just delete in the first sentence. It is so good to admit something and try and aleviate the guilt alittle and know we are good people admitting personal struggles. It is not easy for everyone. I never knew it would be this hard nor demanding to be a Mom. Also I never knew how much I would not enjoy it. Yes I can not stand playing playdough, superheros, coloring, playing board games without direction! Yes I do it and limit it but inside not happy. Thank you for for the positive comments and feeling that I am not alone feeling this stress too. I have hopes and dreams it will get better with time. Right now my son is 5 and needs more than he probably will in the future. I think I am more designed to take care of older kids. Im sure thoses of you with tenens are saying not really, but that is my dream!! LOL
Thank you all so much for your honest posts. I think the biggest problem for mothers is that socially it is NOT ok to admit that sometimes we hate the job! Anyone seen Sex & the City 2 here? There’s even a reference to it.
Just look at some of the negative responses here. Any other job is just fine to bitch about but if you say anything bad about being a mother, the hardest job there is, all of a sudden you are a horrible person.
Having to hold it in and feeling that we are alone in feeling this way just makes it all even harder. Just reading what you guys have said here I immediately felt better. Just knowing that I’m not alone when I’m struggling to get through my day.
Thanks guys!
I am so glad that my feelings are being validated here.
I was an intelligent, social, humorous and fun individual before I became a mom.
How do I go from making films and travelling to cooking, cleaning and appeasing my son’s every whim?
It feels like a stab at my right to be an individual.
It also feels like we are put in a position to make everyone else happy but ourselves. It’s never easy for a mother to say no to anyone, so we sacrifice everything about ourselves to protect our family.
I am so ******* resentful! How do we balance ourselves? How do we get past what we need to do to keep ourselves and everyone else happy? Is it possible or are we reserved to a life of servitude?
Men will never understand. How do we not resent them for putting us in this position? They always make promises about a romantic future, but when the reality hits it’s us who comes through in the end, putting forth more and more energy.
I hate being a woman sometimes. We almost always lose ourselves in every relationship we encounter. We always come in last. Just think of all the women who eat their meals cold so that everyone at the table can enjoy their meals hot.
I hate this. I want to scream when men sit on their asses because they think they’ve worked so hard all day, so they get to relax. There’s no respect in this.
I suppose balance is the key, but who can figure this out?
I’m not sure it’s in the cards for women, especially women who don’t subscribe to wanting to stay at home with their kids. Women who know that they have a purpose other than procreating!!
We ARE individuals and we DESERVE to be respected for this.
Claps!
I think the issue here is that we need more support,either from a social network, friends or family,or hit our husbands over the head with a frying pan :) until they get some sense knocked into them!!!
what i find surprising on this forum is that, everyone of us is just plain tired, no matter how different our experiences are.
if these other women who are so disgusted with us, maybe they can actually give us some hints? Or maybe some ideas since they are better than us …
(sarcasm)
why wont they be a little more constructive with their time here and help us ^.^
I stand corrected, Lisa. Sounds like the reason you are so angry is because you had a mother who didn’t want you and you know it. She may not have voiced it, but it was very apparent in the way she didn’t hug you as long as you would have liked, or didn’t enjoy doing things with you. Sounds to me like you are the one with the issues and the rest of us are finding healthy ways to get out some of these negative thoughts. Have you ever said something, and then after you have said it realized that the words have little meaning once they went past your lips?? You seem to be far too worried about other people when maybe you should focus on your own issues!
I think the fact that every child is different, no one can predict what motherhood will be like. Sometimes it doesn’t go they way you plan. Planning to have a family is one thing, having a husband who ‘says’ he wants to be involved, being told be others how rewarding and fun it is, and so on and so on can’t prepare you for the real thing as I found out. I love my baby boy and love to see him smile, but I wasn’t prepared to miss my life as much as I do. I thought the love for my son would be a happy replacement, but it isn’t. I don’t think there is a mother here that doesn’t love their child or wouldn’t do anything to protect their child, but that doesn’t mean that they have to be happy 24/7. Nobody is, it’s that simple. Lisa, you seem to think the other mothers are not fit to be mothers, maybe there are not, maybe there are, but we do not know them do we? If you have things going well for you, that’s great (and I envy you), then maybe you can share your ideas and thoughts on how to be happier better mother?
Wow, the honesty here is so painful and real.
And this Lisa person, what a hateful nasty bitch. She has so much pent up rage and chooses to spew her bile at the moms here who are just trying to get support!
Mothering is the hardest job ANY human can undertake. Now add to that various issues — like lack of enough money, unsupportive husband or family, special needs child, illness, etc.
It’s enough to make any sane person totally lose it.
Unfortunately all we have is the internet, becaue society WILL judge you for not loving loving loving every moment of motherhood.
It has nothing to do with loving or not loving your kids. You can love the kids, but hate the stress, love the hugs and kisses but hate the fact that your dream are shoved aside for someone else’s needs, love the cute face and funny comments but hate the fact that your body hurts, you ache for sleep, you crave intellectual stimulation and you miss being in charge of your time.
Despite the promises many men make to ‘share the load’, most women still pick up the brunt of childcare. We are still seen as the primary caretakers. How many times has someone asked YOU when you get that rare day to yourself, “Got the hubby to babysit, huh?”
IT’S NOT BABYSITTING WHEN IT’S YOUR OWN DAMN KID!
I feel for everyone here. I had a terrible time of it when mine were small and I did a brief stint at home. Suddenly all the inequities were glaringly obvious. My then husband’s job was seen as ‘more important’ than mine, even though I made the same income. I was judged for going back to work, even though he was lauded for working extra long hours so we could save up for a house. I was chastized for going on a childfree weekend with some girlfriends, even though my then husband had ‘hunting weekends’ with the boys numerous times.
It never ends, ladies.
So keep talking. Keep sharing. Keep posting.
And Lisa…shove it.
I hear you Kayla. Thanks for your post. It is hard to write the first one then every one after this seems so easy!! I agree child care always defaults to the women!!! what the Hell!! and yes, my family gives me greif when I go away for the weekend or even a night out to dinner. My X has been gone since my son was 2 yo, now 5, no one gives him grief for being gone 3 years!! Yes society is not ready to hear this and it is enough to drive a sane person crazy!! When I say it is so stressful, no one seems to understand. keep talking my friends.
As I said before, I truly believe Lisa had/has a mother who didn’t love her the way she wanted so she is resentfulof all of us who have the nerve to express it in a healthy way.
Actually I had a wonderful mother, she hugged me every day..too much in fact. She told me she loved me all the time. If she was frustrated or felt like you ladies do, she never showed it.
I can’t ask her if this was how she really felt deep down inside, she’s dead. And no she didn’t leave me with issues from dying, she died when I was an adult and though I miss her. I don’t have any pent up anything involving her.
Are you mentally handicapped or something? Or did you just never learn to read?
I was NOT posting about or TO the mom’s who are frustrated with the stress and the job of being a mom. I even said it’s hard, I am a mom, I know what almost 98% of you are saying. LEARN TO READ PEOPLE.
Every single one of you who is pissed off at me, has NO reason to be….why? Because I was NOT talking to YOU!
I said a FEW times I was talking to the mom’s who claimed they wished their kids had never been born, said they hated them and so on.
If this isn’t you, shut up!
Dear Lisa – whoever you are
with each post you put up, and each vindictive attack on here, you simply confirm how ignorant, angry and pointless your view of the world really is, and how little you support other women.
Stop shouting at everyone. It’s a waste of time. Go and sort your life out. You have issues to deal with and hating the world ain’t solving any of them.
Just go away!
Lady I feel sorry for you, to come on a website purposely intended for support and judge others. There must be something serious lacking in your life to be able to judge others. You are sending your miserable comments and judgements into the world and it will come back to you. Go someplace else!! No one wants you here!
As much as you might not like her replies, she has every right to be here as you do.
I have to agree with her when she said you ladies are just pissed off because she isn’t kissing your a$$ like every other woman on here.
PS Just because we are women, doesn’t mean we have to support each other! Such a bunch of BS.
No kidding, we DON’T have to support each other, but this is a website where women are supposed to feel comforted by speaking about their issues. That’s one of the first steps in finding help. Just like “Lisa” I am just as entitled to stating my opinion, so find someone else to complain about lady. And at least I am not calling out everyone on this board, just one. So it would be nice if you were busy being supportive and putting some good into the world. Speaking is therapeutic, and it helps, god bless all of these moms. I know it will get easier ladies, do your best and show your babies love, everything else can be resolved.
First of all, I want to give it to Josephine, Traci, Mermaid, Jennifer, D, Vicki, IDK, and the rest of the BEAUTIFUL, HARD_WORKING & AWESOME mothers on this tread. It takes alot of guts to come out and admit these feelings we are all having. It’s certainly not a easy topic to talk openly about to anybody around your immediate circle of friends and family. They will probably suggest us to go see a psychiatrist or something..maybe they are right or wrong? But I do know one thing..all of us mothers love our children rotten and would never let anything or anyone harm our children. We put our children and family first than ourselves, we make sure the house is spotless and clean, we make sure everyone is fed before we eat, we make sure our kids arrive on time for school, we make sure they see the doctor when they are ill, we make sure their laundry is done before our clothes are clean, we make sure their homework is done before we can have time for ourselves, we make sure our children are bathed before we have time to shower, I can go on and on and on….. We are not selfish, we put our children and kids first than anything. It is the hardest job on earth! Believe that! It doesn’t always mean we are all going to love it! Every mother, child/children is different, every scenario is different. Haters cannot judge us for what we are saying on this thread. We need support, we do not need cyber bullies putting us down. As I read your stories and comments mothers….I get teary eyed and believe me, if I was in front of you….I would give you all a big hug and kiss and tell you what a great mother you really are because I KNOW WHAT EACH OF YOU GO THROUGH!!! I know there are some mothers out there who have it easy (calm kids, nannies, husband’s support, cleaning ladies at their house, grandparents support) but the rest of us who have hyper-active, ADHD, colic, no support from husband, no support from grandparents, no nannies, no cleaning ladies…basically the one’s who live in the real world…..I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU’RE GOING THROUGH!
luckly, things have been going better for me, there were days where my husband would come home and he would find me crying on the sofa at nite……my son has gone back to school and is enrolled in travel ball. Which gives me some time to give more attention to my daughter. She has been getting alittle bit better whereas before she was always fuzzy and crying non-stop. She is starting to count her numbers, starting to pronounce more words, and watch educational channels. Seems like she is starting to be just a tad wee bit independent :)
And finally, to this LISA person….how dare you attack us hard-working mothers the way you did. Especially talking down to woman to have severe conditions as depression and need to take medication for this….that was so “out of order” of you. This thread is obviously NOT for you, why are you here?? Take your hater azz of this site and go to a different site where you can drink all the HATER-AID all you want! And for the record, we are NOT trailer trash kitty kat, did it every occur to you that most of the mothers on here can afford to stay at home and take care of their own children. It means their families make enough money to stay-at-home dear. You don’t know jack about me, I live in a upscale gated community and have my degree…thank you very much!
I have been reading your thread because I am going through my hating being a mother stage, I find it comes and goes. I also find myself getting angry with my child, never touched them but im always crying, shouting and just basically trying to stay out my daughters way. :( One of you mentioned how you can afford to stay at home because you are not bad off, I wish I could say the same, I don’t work, Im a single mum, I do go to college and I am trying to make something of myself but my anger and resentment buts this on the back burner. My mum is always saying how she enjoyed being a mum and how my maternal instincts are not there, she is always putting me down. I wake up each day and say ill try harder to be calm, but I think this make me worse because when i shout Im counting how many times I make mistakes which is driving me crazy. Any tips on staying more patient and not shouting as much??
BTW, Kayla…you hit the nail on the head! Your post was spot on (exactly right)!!!
I will start by saying I am glad I found this board and am not alone. I have a 1 1/2 month old daughter. I will NOT be having any more, Im getting my tubes tied…my appointment is already set up.
I am 32 and have never been a baby or kid person. I do start liking them more however from 5 onwards but even then not so much. The reason I decided to have a child is mainly because my husband talked me into it but also because it took a divorce (my ex before my husband now) to realize that men can leave you at any time but your child will grow up and be with you; take care of you. No guarantee on this of course…but I think that’s the reason a lot of mothers decide to have more than one child…especially those that hate motherhood. No one wants to be alone when they are old.
But….
Right now…at this very moment…5AM
I’m in bed hoping against all hope-all odds…that I don’t hear a cry. A cry wanting a diaper change. A toothless squeal of hunger. A scream of just plain boredom.
Hoping…wishing…
For my old life back. How long ago was I carefree? It seems like years. People say how wonderful being a “mommy” is. It IS? Am I missing something? I guess I didn’t get the same baby handbook they did. My bad. Other “mommies” say just how quickly kids grow up. I guess in my world, time stands still.
I loved my old life, I did. I truly enjoyed just running little errands, not worrying about what time it was. Going on roadtrips or just hopping on a plane and going. I feel like now I could again take that train to nowhere or anywhere…somewhere other than here. Wave to the cars outside waiting on my train to pass. Glad I’m not the one doing the waiting. But I’m on the other side of that crossing now. And there’s no turning back.
As I walk through the valley of swings (and other various baby gear-my living room) I pause and look through a film of tears. It’s become my prison. And it’s a life sentence…no parole. No merits for good
behavior.
I do however try to grasp my future. My parents and sister have been such a help. They watch her and have more patience than I. My husband….well….that’s another story we shall save for another day. Men don’t get it. They somehow have it wired in them that every womans purpose is to be a “mommy” and should cheerfully conform to this. I’ll refrain from writing further because this board already knows.
I’m sure my daugther will grow up to be someone I’m proud of. Someone who will be my friend on those cold winter nights with no end. I will be going back to work soon and things may get easier? But…
But….as it stands…
Time stands still.
Hi Katie
I feel your pain and vent! Going back to work is a two way street. It is great to go back and be with adults and have a life again but then coming home you are more exhausted and more damands are on you. Hang in there girl. I have never regretted gpoing back to work. It has saved me!!I agree one child was too much for me so one is all I will be having. I feel so validated by all the great honest women on this site. Thank you all. I never thought I would hate this life. After reading this page, I now know I do not hate being a Mom to my little boy, I just hate the heavy, constant, lifeless responsibility that hangs on to you and sucks the life out of you. Someon wrote, who would feel good about themselves, when you had a great carefree wonderful life before having children and then having to say no, dont do this, dont do that, clean up this, brush your teeth, dont hit the cat, pick up the cereal off the floor, mommie is not your slave, ALL the TIME!!!Who the Hell would like me either!!I cant wait until my son goes to sleep at night, if he goes to sleep!! if it is past 930 pm, I start yelling, youve got to go to bed! you will wake up cranky!! NOW!!get into bed!! who is the cranky bitch always!! So yes, I dramatically miss my life the way it was. Maybe these moms that think it is so great are either delusional, brain washed or never had a good life before kids?? I agree when people say they grow up so fast….What?? who says that?? not fast enough. My son is 5 and I have him pushed for responsibilites, help me take out the garbage, clean up yourself, get dressed yourself, you know where it is, you get it….so he will grow up faster. I keep looking at my friends kids and say, when could you leave them in the house alone, how old is this one, he looks self sufficent, ok so when he is 10 he can be more independent, so 5 more years to wait, Sh@#! I do feel aweful about my feelings but this site and addressing it in my heart has helped me accept it more and make provisions, like getting babysitters more. I am not and never will be one of those “model moms”. or self sacrifing like my Mom! but where does that get you anyway? I will never have empty nest syndrome!! thank God for that. My son will grow up fine and I can have a semi life in the mean time. It is ok. He will adjust. I feel he needs to adjust to me not me to him. I can objectify the reason I hate being a Mom. I love my son and tell him that every day and kiss and hug him I just hate giving up my life the way it was and I had no idea I would feel that way!! Sucks.
Please keep writing everyone.
Ok this is a GREAT post. I am happy to see there is some good coming out of all this.
I can understand now why my mom would cry from exhaustion! Growing up my mom mangaged to keep my sister and I fed, bathed,clothed, all the while keeping an immaculate house. My dad didn’t do anything really to help out other than washing the dishes on a Saturday here and there. If she were alive today I would hug her neck and tell her thank you a gabillion times. I am not near the housekeeper she was but then again she was always yelling at us & cussing & drinking at night. I am the sahm to two wonderful boys who I thank God for and am thankful they are healthy. I have a wonderful husband but he is gone ALOT. He is a firefighter & works 24hour shifts & then works a part-time job inbetween. I get so worn out of having to figure out what to have for dinner! And everytime I get the laundry done it is time to do it again. I can’t wait to go to bed at night. I know it won’t always be like this but it is just so freakin’ hard. I love my family more than anything. I am just tired. Kids take,take,and take (that is just what kids do) I just need to find a way, somehow, give back to myself. It is refreshing to know I am not the only one feeling like I do. WE ARE GOOD MOMS THAT LOVE OUR FAMILY. My mom never had anyone to lean on and it litterally drove her into deep depression that was never treated. I would rather vent than to hold it in like she did.
Wow this is amazing, I never realised there were so many women/mothers that felt the same as me.
I have an almost 5yr old and a 19mth and they are both so clingy and needy, even as I write this one is on my lap and the other is at my feet. Every room I go to, they follow, I just can’t get away from them, it drives me insane!!!!!
The younger one seems capable of entertaining herself but her older brother needs attention from somebody in the house every waking moment of the day, it’s so exhausting. I’ve actually been turning the tv on alot for him lately because I just can’t stand his noise, whining, ‘look at mes’.
How do mum’s actually enjoy this???? It’s so tedious, frustrating, irritating, reptitive! I hate it how I have to plan everything and organise everything and everyone just to get 5 minutes peace. I have no family nearby and neither does my husband so it’s not like I can just dump the kids off somewhere either. We also live 40 minutes out of town so the only form of entertainment close by is the playground and beach (it’s winter at the moment so not so much fun). I just feel stuck, wondering when it’s going to end, when I’ll actually enjoy my day, when I’ll have energy again, when I’ll feel motivated to get out of bed inthe mornings. I feel like I’m watching the clock each day waiting for their bedtimes so I can think again.
I know I’ll miss them being small one day but to be honest at the moment, ‘that day’ can’t come soon enough.
It’s just so good to know that there are others that feel like I do and I want to thank you for helping me feel normal!!!!
don’t you just love it when you are in the bathroom of all places to escape from the family and they bang on the door for something they themselves can get?? LOL I try to take more than one shower just because they know they can’t get to you?…doesn’t mean they don’t try to, but …yeah, this job doesn’t pay very well,
I watched my mother struggle to raise us AND have a career when my father walked out. Then I watched my two younger sisters become mothers and saw what they went through. I always knew I didn’t want children, although the outcry at my decision was loud and pretty vicious. It was not because I hated children – as some assumed – it was because I knew absolutely that I would not be able to handle the isolation, the routine, the loss of my identity, time and freedom that came with being a mother. No one ever tells you the truth. I was scared that any child of mine would feel unwanted, as I and my sister had. I couldn’t do that to a child. I couldn’t be sure I would not resent my loss of freedom. There were better women out there than I. They could be the mothers of the next generation.
I’ve never regretted my decision, despite the sometimes vicious criticism I have had.
To all of you wonderful mothers out there I admire you more than words can express. No one ever tells you how hard it’s going to be. I don’t know how you do it. I think you are extraordinary. I think my sisters are extraordinary as well. No job is tougher or has so little support. I feel for you all. I know that you would do anything for your kids, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have times when you have to admit it’s not a bed of roses.
I missed out on marriage because of my decision not to be a mother. I said goodbye to 3 men who insisted that if I didn’t get married and have their children I couldn’t possibly love them enough. I let them go. I knew what it would be like.
Sending you all love and strength and huge respect. xxx
Oh Beachkat
what an amazing post. Thanks for your words. I hope you find a man who is ok with not having children. You sounds great and I would love to see you have whatever you want in life. I am sorry your Mom was stressed and then you felt it. I hope my stress does not affect my son that way. I hope I am keeping it a secret from him. I hope he never knows that I hate being a Mom. It is not him that I hate, It is the constant repsonsibility and giving up a life I once had. It is also a single Mom, I hate. Maybe if I was in a loving relationship with my sons father and he took some of the burden off me it would feel different, not sure. It is true what you say, isolation, loss of identity,time, freedom, wrenching routine.Yes tough job, little support, or understanding. I hope you dont get too much critism for not having children. Society sucks.sending you love, strength and respect too! Thank you Beachkat for understanding.
beachkat, I cannot tell you how much I admire you. What strength, courage (not sure if you feel courageous but to me it seems that way) and conviction. In fact, you are what I could never be: strong enough to be my true self. I guess I just fell to family and societal expectations. I, too, know that my mother hated being a mother and felt that her life was stolen from her and unfortunately, she could not hide her feelings from me. But I didn’t LEARN from her like you did. I admire you so much. At least I know to NEVER let my kids feel the way she made me feel. But honestly, I probably should not have had them. Not just because I hate the job of motherhood. But because now I am so keenly aware of how much I could have done and been without them. I mean that I could have given back to the world and the earth and to other humans in a way that I never can now, exactly. I was a fool to think I could continue on with the person who I was. A complete and total arrogant fool. Also: I was afraid of being lonely. But what is worse, loneliness or living a life forever that is not right for you? I don’t know. I just don’t know. I may never know.
I bet that at least one or all of those three men that you were wonderful enough to be honest with – if they have kids these days – are thinking “wow. that woman was right. how did she know that this would be this hard and life-altering?” And I bet they want to reach out to you and let you know how right you were. And maybe they are imagining an awesome child-free life with you.
Total respect from here.
Thank you so, so much – mermaid and trapped – for your comments. They mean a great deal to me. The love and respect is mutual :-)
I wish everyone – mothers, grandmothers, sisters and friends would be more honest about having children and being a mother. I wish there wasn’t this damn conspiracy to never tell the truth and pretend that it’s the most exciting and meaningful thing in the world and what any normal woman should do: the main and only true purpose in a woman’s life.
As one highly intelligent, married and child-free female French politician once said: ‘just because we have the equipment, doesn’t mean we have to use it’
I met an ex boyfriend recently. He was still as handsome as ever. He looked at me sadly, apologised for being an idiot 20 years ago and then said, ‘I thought you were the most exciting woman I had ever met, and it turns out you were..’
And do you know what I thought? I looked at him and thought: ‘tough shit sweetie, you blew it’.
Mermaid,
I thank you for your polite and warm reply. I rarely receive such civil and well-mannered reactions from other women.
Your observation that women experience a far greater amount of a societal pressure than men do is very astute and depressingly accurate. You are very correct in noting that women are incessantly judged by others. It appears that we can never live up to those impossible expectations and standards that society places on us: we are either too thin or too fat, too outspoken or too passive, too independent or too dependent, too emotional and caring or too strong and cerebral… It just never ends. It’s exhausting. I often feel incredulous that anyone at all is capable of navigating these mixed, contradictory standards and roles. If you are single, childless-by-choice and career-minded, you are labeled “unnatural” and “unfeminine.” If you are a stay-at-home mom, you are given a laudatory lip service, while at the same you are treated with contempt and derision (oh, just a housewife!), you receive absolutely no recognition, validation or compensation for all the work you do, you have no support, understanding or sympathy. Mothers are expected to bear their cross in silence with a plastered-on smile, behind which countless women hide their frustration, disappointment, loneliness, pain and anger. And woe upon you, if you dare to speak up, to complain. I saw this happen to my mother. She was, simply put, trapped. No one would listen to her, especially not her husband. Well, she ended up directing all her anger and pain towards me and my brother. I am so very afraid that, like my mother before me, I too might one day succumb to a societal pressure and have a child, only to be disappointed. I fear that I would, just like my mother before me, verbally and physically abuse my child as a source of my entrapment. I shudder at a mere thought of that. Alas, it happens all too often: women “bullied” into conforming to traditional gender roles end up taking their frustration out on their kids, or take up drinking, or drugs… That is the real reason I abstain from motherhood. As my mother’s “mistake”, I still live with the ghosts of my violent childhood. Patriarchy takes toll on everyone… but men. When will this change? Will it ever?
Your mother and mine are very similar. Our reasons for remaining child-free are the same. I am now too old (early 50s) to have kids, but it’s never bothered me. I have never regretted my decision. I am a fabulous auntie to 6 nieces and nephews and that’s more than enough for me. They think I’m very cool. I think they are wonderful.
Anna, don’t give in to social pressure. You have come so far and been so strong, in the face of ridiculous and unfair criticism and pressure. How dare anyone question your choices! Do not have a child unless you really, really want to and the circumstances are right. Be true to yourself. Rise above the small minded. Remember that some of their rage comes from jealousy. Be true to yourself. Live your life the way you choose to.
‘I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul’, to quote Henley,
Good luck and much love,
BK
I just want to pee without being followed in, have a shower without a little person standing waiting for me, most of the time I want to be alone in another room from them but they follow me constantly. I had a life before, now I live in the country which is shit and all the other smug mothers make me hate them but I try and play their game but they know I look down on them because I know they are pretending, at least I don’t.
I miss the city and friends and just being able to sit and read or have a coffee, I love my kids but when they were born did it mean I had to die.
I also live in the freakin country were the moms pretend like they love being a mom. Their the perfect weight, hair is freshly styled, and clothes look new without food or snot wiped in their shirt. I have a 3 yr son and 18mos daughter. I have lupus/fybromyalgia with organ involvement.I had a really difficult time having kids. After 3 misscarriges, 1 10day daughter to die with heart defect. I had these two kids and feel guilty about not being able kiss their ass 24/7. Its just to physically demanding stressful,& frustrating. I have talked with my lupus doctor she said its normal to yell and get frustrated with kids. She gave me some xanax. I can`t talk about not being unhappy as a stay/work at home mom because people will thank I am ungreatful for my kids I love these kids very much despite all the crap I have to deal with.Nobody really understands how tough it is to be sick and have to deal with these kids all the time. After 2 days of easter this year at my family, his family. So I was like lets just go the **** home I am tired my son was not listening running wild near the road my hubby ignoring him.This one bitch hubbys dads new girlfriend had the nerve to say to me “you should not be having a pitty party for yourself.” The hell flew in me I said to hubby lets go the **** home I am ready. But I wanted to just tell the bitch off but didn`t want to cause family problems. I am legally disabled with lupus after having the last baby my lupus has been flaring my hair is falling out, am tired all the time, I just had shingles, kidney infection, keep getting dehydrated because of meds, chest pain, swelling all of my body, on steriods, muscle relaxers, immunosuppressants, pain meds, nerve pills,sleeping pill. I am totally being the best mom I can be right now. I know my kids are super annoying but its soo soo not my fault. No one in either of our families can watch my kids. some just say their to hyper, others always gotsomething important to do. So no help at all. But yet people have the freakin nerve to pass judgement on me as a mom. Or say things that really piss me off. My lupus doctor knows me very well for about 13yrs. she says I should tell people how I feel and not hold anything back. Its hard I have tried every medicine they can give me for lupus and maxed out on the dosage for the ones that have helped.
Its tough dealing with people thoughts on how I should feel or act. I am not lazy, before I got sick I was in college taking 6 courses working two jobs. I am very sick. sorry so long just needed to rant I guess.
I read all of your post it makes me feel better that its not just me that feels so frustrated with this stay at home mom crap.
dear which ones,
i hate it. hate hate hate. i’m so sorry you’re sick and have to deal with it, i can’t even imagine. i am not in the country (i used to live the in the sticks, thank GOD i do not now, i would jump off a bridge), i am in the city but if it makes you feel any better the moms are the same here. pretending to love it but dead behind the eyes. i seriously stand at the play area at the mall and just look at each mom’s face when i am not chasing after my twins, searching for someone with some soul but they do not exist here. i’ve given up trying to make real friends in the mommy groups. i’m so sick of the diaper/poop/feeding/age conversation. i adore my beautiful healthy boys and i feel guilty every day for not being happy because i know women who would give their right arm to be a SAHM but i HATE it. And here’s the kicker: I know that i would hate being a working mom even more because then I would have THAT stress on top of THIS stress, plus i’d miss all of my babies’ special moments and that would kill me – just kill me. I just feel like a made a huge mistake. i just hope it gets easier and happier some day. i cannot take the whining anymore and i miss my old life and old self so much, it makes me cry almost daily. I don’t think i’ll ever tell my kids how literally unhappy i have been raising them, but i WILL tell them that if they do not want to have kids that it’s a perfectly wonderful, normal and fine decision. I will NEVER put pressure on my kids for grandkids – NEVER!!!
thanks for listening and your post.
totally hear you Tiger Lily. I dont want to pretend anymore that this new life is so great and that my old life I am suppose to have good memories about and not long for it. It does feel like when they came along it was all about them and nothing about us any more, we did die in a way, lets hope we can get reincarnated when they grow up.
I feel EXACTLY the same way. i literally have to run to the bathroom and lock myself in to pee in peace! for once, i would just like to sit on the sofa with a cup of hot coffee and a book and read just ONE full chapter without saying, no, stop fighting, clean up your toys. and I hate when I go to the park or anywhere that has a group of mothers pretending to be freaking June Cleaver. I smiled once when a mom broke down in the mall and said “can’t you just stop talking for one minute! cant you please just stop!” all the other parents that were in the store gave her a look like she pulled a damn gun out on her kid. I simply smiled at her and whispered as I was walking by..i feel the same way.
WHY couldn’t I have found this site BEFORE I decided to have kids??? The only sites I would go to were freakin’ babycenter.com and all the other lovey-dovey baby ones that NEVER say the truth. I have unsubscribed from all of them, they make me nauseous – as does even seeing a newborn or walking down the baby aisle at Target. And I have TWINS – that don’t nap at the same time, one is crying now, never get a break, gotta go (be GLAD you don’t have 15 month old twins if you don’t. but at least I know I’m DONE and don’t have to go through this ever ever again).
you made me laugh! you are right why couldnt we find this site before!! Why did we have the blinder on!! you are right the media makes it seem so wonderful!!! so funn that you unsubscribed because they make you nauseous. LOL!! I feel the same way. Hang in girl, we will get through it, I know it!! yes one child is it for me.
So nice to read ALL the comments,lol!
No Seriously, I am a SAHM of now 6, Ugh!
At least mine are older,20,18,15,13,12,&6
BUT, for those of oyu who think it will get better when they “get older”.. Think again!!!
I just watched EAT.LOVE.PRAY last night and am SERIOUSLY contemplating running off!
If I could find some “missionary” trip or something on the cheap..I would so be out of here!!
I am so sick and tired of not knowing who I am anymore. My entire Identity revolves around my kids, home, and husband.
Try and answer the question WHO AM I ?
WITHOUT having the answer be ALL about your “Job” as a mother!
WTH have we evolved to?? This whole woman’s lib. and woman’s movement didn’t seem to get us too far.
I am seriously P.O at woman like oprah who display their wonderful lives on the TV for SAHM like us!! What is the world thinking?? What were we thinking when we got our selves into this mess?
We were all lead to believe that this is GREAT, WONDERFUL, AND WHAT EVERYONE WANTS.
~REALITY CHECK~
You are all right
This Sucks, it literally sucks the life right out of you, you no longer have any energy, ambition, or attainable dreams.
Any energy, money, or hopes you may have can just be floated into your kids bank accounts!!
I tell my girls EVERYDAY, be INDEPENDANT!! Go to college, have fun, enjoy being alone and single and have comfort in the fact, when you are lonely..that, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!
I sure as hell hope they listen!!
I wish someone would have set me down and told me how it really is… not all the BS like, “it’s the harest job you’ll ever love” or “it’s part of life”…
Blah!!
Well this is my two cents worth of ranting and raving.. thanks for reading and thanks for sharing.. At least we can all take comfort in the fact that we’re not alone or crazy…
great post!! I totally relate! Go Girl.
Reading all the posts from other mother’s have made me feel better. I am a nurse who recently was layed off after the facility I worked for closed. I am married, and I have worked for the last 15 years of my life. I have a 3 and 5 year old daughters, and my husband and I decided I should try staying at home. I commend all your full time stay at home mothers. This is the hardest job I have ever had. My girls fight, they need constant supervision because they want to get into things, they try to come into bed with me at night. I can’t even go to the bathroom at night. I watch SuperNanny, I try the timeout thing, but it’s exhausting. Sometimes I just lose my temper, then I feel guilty. The days are so redundent; same thing every day, then the meltdowns and temper tantrums. When you go out anywhere it’s just an ordeal, it’s physically and emotionally draining. Then when you finally get time to yourself at night after the kids go to bed you are too tired to enjoy yourself. God bless stay at home moms. I don’t believe that there is one happy mom that thinks this job is easy, I just wish I could be happy. I don’t understand why I just can’t be happy?? I have tried antidepressents, and counseling – no change. I try not to show my children my happiness, for the most part I act happy with them, but inside I just can’t get out of this. My husband has no sympathy for me, he just tells me you are not doing anything different than any other stay at home mom does everday. He makes me feel guilty for leaving to do anything by myself, thinks I need to be with him attached to his hip when he is home. He is like another child, he was good at first until a year ago. Oh well, just pray for when the children get older and easier to deal with.
Hi Michelle
you sound like a good Mom. yes I dont understand why I cant be happy either. I related to what you wrote. I too try not to show my son how unhappy I am. why arent men supportive to us? It seems like they would understand, after all they are the ones that are always trying to defualt the kids to us! They dont sem to look like they are enjoying it all that much either! Dont let him make you feel guilty. Yes God Bless stay at home Moms. I happen to work and that is a blessing to me. I understand, you try to get time for yourselves and it is literally impossible.I try to get time after he is in bed but he never sleeps, and then i am too tired to enjoy myself too. i have been trying to get my son out of my bed for a while now, he is turning 5 tomorrow. I do also pray that it will be easier when they are older. Hang in there, you are doing great.
I think all of us are in the same sinking ship with our kids in tow.
It sounds like every stay/work at home moms day is very similar to mine.
constant need for supervision, sibling fights, laundry, cleaning, whinning, running behind constantly telling no don`t touch that, meltdowns, temper tantrums, constant refusal to listen, etc… I try to stay neutral during sibling fights, play and record alot of nick jr./disney, lose my temper alot, time out/go to your room, eat xanax and pray for the day I can drop their butts of at the school. I will feel like I`ve won the lottery when both kids start school. To me this job feels like house arrest.keep them at home. Its a real bitch to bring them shopping or anywhere else.
It feels good not to feel alone. Most days I hate being a Mom. I never love it. I wish I could go back and undo it. Even loving my kids I’d rather I never had them. I can not figure out a way to be happy with my life the way it is. Every solution I think of has a downside that I am not sure I can live with, so I am stuck in the rut of being a SAHM.
I am crying everyday. I have a five year old and a three year old, both girls. I can’t believe I got married and had two kids. I feel so alone, my husband owns his own business and is always working. I try to keep my girls busy with pre-school, karate, swim, gymnastics and dance. I know I’m really doing all these activites so I don’t have to spend time with them. I have been a mom for five years now and i’m still not used to it. I am stressing myself out by driving around everyday and still coming home to clean, cook and do laundry. I really hate my life!
I have a 4 1/2 old month son and I hate being a mom.
I also hate where we live. I used to live in a beautiful city, with my own job/money, my own beautiful victorian home, girlfriends, suitors. I pursued my passions. I was a part of my neighborhood, my community.
Now we live in a godforsaken suburb of southern California and there is NOTHING to do here but shop… and I f*cking hate to shop. So, I just stay home day in and day out with my son.
I am extremely resentful of my husband for bringing us here and keeping us here, and for the fact that he gets to go on with his life as if nothing has changed.
I feel that I am living through the worst depression, and the lowest point of my life.
I am on the verge of packing a bag and leaving. I don’t want to take out my frustration, anger, resentment, and rage on my husband. I never take it out on my son, but I am sure that even at his young age, he can sense my anxiety, depression, and lack of joy. That alone makes me feel like a horrible mother, and I firmly believe that he and my husband will be better off without me.
I thought that I wanted to commit suicide, but then my brother came to visit– he and I are very close and very much alike– and he helped me to realize the awful truth. I don’t really want to die, I just want out of this life that I hate.
Oh sweetheart….
welcome to California , where the only things you can do here, is shop and…eat..I do feel your pain.
I hate going out, you literally have to hog tie me to take me out just because people out here do make you feel so insecure, and i admit , i get very jealous and end up in tears seeing these beautiful women shopping at these Guess store and Dolce without their kids with them, screaming and asking for everything ,they drive in nice cars and clothing. I live in a gated community but im not nearly as fortunate in other areas…besides it’s depressing that i drive a small pos family car with handy cap- signs that don’t even belong to me because it’s practical vehicle for my daughters…sighs
Anyways…..stay strong honey, at least we can all share our stories here
Thanks so much for your kind words. It was nice to log in here and read your comments. We don’t live in a gated community but most of the “communities” here are gated, no matter what the price range, I’ve noticed. I think it’s such a joke that they call them communities. We’ve lived in our current place for 4 years and we don’t know ANY of our neighbors. We got to know one couple, but they moved away, and anyway we didn’t have a lot in common. This is really not my idea of a community… I wouldn’t even want their expensive cars or designer clothes… their lives just seem so empty to me. I know that sounds judgmental but having tried to get to know quite a few people around here over the years, I just haven’t found many that have any substance at all. The two acquaintances I have in so Cal are both from other places. I hate how people here just sort of glaze over right in the middle of a conversation. Nobody seems capable of actually connecting. It’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen, and I just can’t get used to it. Every day I wake up wishing I were somewhere else, preferably a city, where people just seem more awake and aware. People around here just seem like zombies, or robots…
Honestly you all need to take some “me” time…don’t bother saying “I don’t have the time” you have the time to come on here! You have the time to take 10-20 mins if not more to do something for yourself.
You need to reclaim who you are or were!
And to Lisa, I think you have a point…but the way you try to shove it down everyone’s throats is not cool or ok. I get what you are saying, but how you are saying it is not making anyone even listen to you. If you were even a pinch less mad and brutal, I bet you would have even had some supporters.
You catch more flies with honey!
I wish lack of ‘me’ time was my excuse. I get a lot. I go out with friends at least once a week…sometimes up to three times awake. A get a couple of overnights away a year. This year I even got a week on my own when my H took the kids to visit family while I worked some extra hours at my part-time job. It’s still not enough for me. I think what I need to do (and am now trying) is to find ways to have fun with my kids. We are all happier when I can do that.
lol I’m not awake which is why I can’t type ‘three times a week’ correctly! Or any other sentence I typed apparently!
I was a single mom until my son was three. I know all the struggles a single mom has. Going to work at 6:00AM, trying to pay daycare and bills with no help from the biological father. The guilt from working and being away from my son… I didn’t even date until my son was three because I was terrified of what it would do to my schedule.
I ended up falling in love and having a daughter. She’s now a month old and now I’m a SAHM to both of my kids. I had always wanted to be a SAHM. I thought it would be great to be able to be a part of my son’s life 24/7. Well, it is and it isn’t.
With a new baby, I don’t get to spend so much fun time with my son. It seems like I’m exhausted when I wake up from the night time feedings, then I have to make breakfast, clean up the dishes, grab a cup of coffee just so my head doesn’t explode, then when I try to do something with my son (which I’m too tired to focus on), it’s time to feed the baby and change her diaper again. When they nap, I’m doing laundry. Or cleaning. Or trying not to go insane. My son was finally at an age where he dressed himself, fed himself, had interesting conversations, and was easy to take places. And now I’m starting all over again. I have a hard time doing the grocery shopping. I feel like my son is suffering from it. “Mama, come here, come see this!”, “Mama, can we go ___”? All of his little questions are met with, “Not now, I’m feeding the baby. Not now, your sister is sleeping”.
I can’t even go to the bathroom in peace because as soon as I get in there, my son wants my attention and/or the baby starts crying.
My fiance and I were talking about going on vacation. Then I realized that it would suck to go anywhere right now because trying to make sure everyone has fun (especially my son) would be hard if I’m always having to take care of the baby.
My SO made it sound like he would help more than he has been. I’m so jealous of him for getting to leave the house without worrying about diapers and bottles and having to lug a carrier around. And having adult conversations.
I haven’t been able to go out in over 4 years. If I ever get a chance to, I’m consumed with guilt over not being home. My fiance’s days off are him going out with his friends or his brother without the kids. I don’t get a day off. I’m doing the same exact crap 24/7. He won’t do anything for our daughter unless I make him. He just watches when I’m trying to cook dinner and feed a baby and play with my son. I’m so exhausted and stressed out all the time. And he had the nerve to talk about more children! I’m getting my tubes tied.
I love my daughter so much, but I think it would be easier to have just one child. I hope that all of this will only get easier as she gets older.
I don’t even remember what I like to do. I don’t think it was ever cooking, cleaning, laundry, and poopy diapers, but that seems to be all that I do now.
I have read this thread and don’t actually feel like any of these moms (no judgment though what so ever!)..until I read your post…well sort of. I know my husband wants another child and so do/did I. But our son was very ill at birth and almost didn’t come home more than once.
He shouldn’t be here and is. And now is the center of my world pretty much, I dont spoil him though!
I have been on the fence about another baby since we had our son, mostly due to his needs and honestly just how I feel about him. I fear I would always favor him without meaning too or be more proud of what he did, due to his rough start.
When I read you saying you now reply to your son with “not now Im feeding the baby”…my heart sunk. I can’t wrap my head around speaking those words to my son. (no judgment again!!).
I also don’t want to feel like you do after having two kids. I hope this all doesn’t offend you. I don’t mean to what so ever, if anything you have truly helped me..and I think I will be getting my tubes tied too!
I hope things get easier for you, all of you.
I know I said I didn’t feel like you mom’s do. But I know its an almost thankless, frustrating, tiring, mind numbing, boring, repetitive, be a million different people and HARD job sometimes. Dont think because I don’t feel like you, that I am all sunshine and roses either!
I am really happy that you all found each other because support is key and huge! I don’t exactly understand all of your individual feelings, but I respect you ALL none the less.
I hope it truly does get better for each of you. (hugs)
Hang in there Exhausted, I hear you. You sound like a great Mom. It is so exhausting to do everything that is expected from us and what we expect from ourselves. You touched my heart when you said your little boy was asking you to do something. I know how that feels when you are tired, stressed , having no help, and driven my responsibilities that take presidence. It sucks. But you sound like you are giving it all. I support you.
I’m in a house full of people and I’m lonely all the time. I’ve tried to make friends with other moms at the park and whatnot, but I cannot, for the most part, stand most of them! For one, I think about feedings, diapers, cleaning, etc all day long. I most certainly DO NOT want to talk about it all day. I am a person, a real person, or at least I used to be.
I’m also tired of moms being so damn judgemental of everything I do. Yes, I am feeding my baby formula. Yes, I know breastfeeding is the best. Of course you wouldn’t want to hear about how my milk never came in because it’s none of your damn business and you’ve already decided that I’m a horrible mother for feeding them formula. Oh, breast-fed babies have higher IQs? Then why is your little Jimmy eating dirt while my son has been reading and doing addition/subtraction since he was 3?
I can totally relate… It’s so easy for other people to judge. I also had a very tough time breastfeeding. My son is now on formula and I just can’t worry anymore what anybody has to say about it. I felt horribly guilty when I had to give up breastfeeding but I just couldn’t take the excruciating 24/7 pain anymore. My niece was formula fed from the age of 1 week old and she is the most brilliant little girl I’ve ever met! I think a lot of exaggerations are told to try to scare women away from formula.
People who try to guilt the rest of us about breastfeeding may be well-intentioned but have you ever noticed that they are always women who had an easy time breastfeeding? They simply cannot relate to the kind of pain and frustration that comes from trying, and failing, to breastfeed. Not to mention the physical pain. They act like the decision to formula-feed is an easy one, as if those of us who choose it just don’t care about our babies. Nothing could be further from the truth. I had one mom tell me that my kid would be obese if I gave him formula. Actually, the biggest predictor of obesity in a child is having an obese mom. I was too polite to point that out to her, since she was quite overweight herself.
I’m sorry you’re having a tough time making friends with other moms. At least you’re out there trying. I haven’t been able to bring myself to do it yet. I just have this awful feeling it will go badly for me. I really don’t relate to the women where I live. I don’t like tanning booths or malls or sitcoms, and I’m not conservative or religious, so there goes 99% of our conversational topics. For now, I’m just staying home, until I can think of a better plan… perhaps one that involves moving to another state…
Dam I was doing so well and thinking I was on the mend, relating and reading all your wonderful thoughts everyone. Thinking I can be positive and get thru this thing called motherhood for the next 15 yrs, but Dam, a bad fricken day today was. I feel hopeless, frustrated and trapped again. I wish so bad to go back in time and live without kids. I was daydreaming about it, fantasizing, wishing it so much. Then i realized what this is ….it is a jail. I have been sent to prison for 15 years. I walk around like well I’ll make the best of this. I can not leave,I have no freedom, it is all been taken away from me. I am expected to follow the rules, do the right things while i am in prison, pay my sentence, get rewards for good behavior, my time to be free is getting closer. I am a prisoner, a caged animal, no way out! I keep thinking, my son is 5, 10 more years he is 15, at 16 he can drive and will want to be around his friends. I can do this 10 year thing. Oh God, I am so unhappy with this life, I dont want it anymore, I just want my freedom. I also agree with you that say, women get no support at how we feel. I refuse to try and make conversation about child rearing, who cares!! I dont want to talk about what I am doing wrong or what school he is going to, what tutor are you getting, what foods do you let yours eat, you need to give him less suagr, how much tv do you let yours watch, you need to get a routine, you need to get better sleeping hours, you need to spend more time, you need…..I am sick of all the advise people so freely give you without asking!!! I just want to talk about things that are meaningful and exciting, my work, politics, sports, current thinking, I hate my life and some of my girl friends that I used to love are now obsessed about talking about everything about their kids, Im done! Thats for leting me vent!! I needed that. I know I will be better with a good nights sleep. I need some supportive feed back…ONLY!!!
I feel better today. Got a babysitter and got out with adults tonight and feel better. I so wish I did not feel this way about motherhood. I pray that I wish I enjoyed it more and that I will wake up someday and all the feelings I am so guilty about will go away. But they never do, they do get less oppressive at times but it always feels like a black cloud hanging over my head. I feel the more i admit it the more i can deal with it. See it for what it is, frustration, exhaustion, getting no help from anyone physically nor emotionally, not wanting to disapline, no desire for the manotimous routine. It is true I wonder if I was a guy if society would feel the same way about me. It is like I am suppose to enjoy every fricken seconds of this but if I was a guy it would look so altruistic, a single parent father who would take care of a child and work at the same time, wow so honorous but a women, what is wrong with her. We will never have the same view in society. So therefore, we will never get the same emotional support.
Hey Mermaid, I have had an awful day also, I get your thinking, I am going so mad I am marking myself out of ten for my mothering skills, I don’t know if this is making me worse because I am more fully aware how much of a bad mum I feel, Im sure im not a bad bad mum but I feel like I want to get out of this prision sentence. Then I get moments when i look at my daughter and the guilt is overwhelming! I love her but can’t see past being a mum to show my love for her. I feel like all Im shouting all the time, throwing things, and then when i take a step back and look at myself i realise how dam scary I must be to this little person :( So ill wake up and say ill try harder?? but then i have an ever worse day. I am so very thankful for this website although im not american i know wherever you are in the world its the same. I have just got a new partner, only been together a month, feel happy with him i dont talk about my daughter that much dont want to scare him off, he likes being around my daughter though its probably me who doesnt. Well anyway, 2moroo is another day and meeting another mum, feed to ducks blah blah blah….. xxxx
I’ve been so sad this last year and a half.. I owned two beautiful art galleries, my own home, I was social and involved in the community. I was a happy and adjusted single mom my children were 8 & 16 when I thought I met the man of my dreams. He was everything I wanted, or so I thought.. we decided not to have any more children and then after only a month of marriage he started talking about it a lot and when we started to plan having our child I told him I never ever wanted to be a single mom again. I loved it but it was so hard. I raised my children without a father and without child support. My husband assured me he would never leave, I would never be a single mom again. It took only 7 days to conceive. We were shocked to say the least but I felt blessed and excited to share a child with a husband, have the family Ive always wanted to experience. Im alone with no other family and no help. So I was excited! We found out we were pregnant 2 days before a trip for our honeymoon we had postponed due to business. On our honeymoon is when the physical abuse started. He was pushing me, throwing me down, terrorizing me. When we got back I made an appt. for an abortion, something i had not previously believed in. But he apologized and was so sorry, said he had anger issues and would get help… Well, it only got worse. He had lied about his credit, jobs, even the fact he had another child and ex wife.. ALL of his stories were just not adding up and I eventually hired a PI that told me he was a con man and had been fired for lying from jobs ETC. I kept forgiving him though because he always came back telling me how much he loved me and wanted the baby. After one of his violent episodes where he threw me down when I was five months pregnant I had just about all I could take and kicked him out. BUT he came back and courted me, apologized, said he was “standing” for our marriage and begged for my forgiveness, swore he would get help. I took him back again.
Im trying to make a VERY long story into a short one here..
With the economy, I lost my businesses, my home equity was collateral for my business loan so I lost my home, found out my husband had already been cheating and one month after I gave birth he walked out on me. He just left and has had nothing to do with this baby, now 15 months old. I was homeless, jobless, broke. The lease was up at the end of the month. My oldest daughter went to live with my friends to finish high school and my youngest went to dads. I filed for a relocation and moved and we have moved about every other month living with room mates.. but i’ve been unable to find work.
My ex husband is doing great though from what I read when I google him, even found Christ and is in a church publication talking about his christianity and how of all the rolls he plays fatherhood is his most important roll (to the daughter he didnt even tell me he had!) …what a joke. He even came near where I live and didn’t ask to see our daughter.
I love her. I do. But I am so angry and hurt for what he has put me through that I regret ever having her. I wish sometimes I had given her up for adoption, Given her a chance and a family. I didn’t want to be a single mom especially in my situation. She is so beautiful and deserved so much more than traveling around living out of grocery bags. Ive had to sell everything I own to survive and at least keep my car. She needs me and I am so broken that Im not there for her like I should be. I know this isn’t her fault and she didn’t ask to be born. Sometimes my patience is so short and I catch myself yelling at her. This wasn’t the mom I was. I was fun and enjoyed life but now I have alienated any friends I had and even my older children don’t want to be near me because they said I’ve changed so much. I’ve self isolated to the point I have nothing/no one left. We are getting ready to move again next week, Ive enrolled in a class I want to take. But the stress of what Im about to go through every day is more than I can bare some times. The daycare prices where Im moving is 250 to 300 a freaking week! I have no idea how Im ever going to make ends meet. Its already hard, she is so clingy and I am all she knows. I never have a minute to myself, ever and I haven’t in 15 months. Its 2:30 am and this is the ONLY time I get but then I am so tired and crabby the next day.
Coming across this site helped me a bit reading through the different stories. I guess Im not alone.
Thanks for anyone reading. Please don’t judge me for my thoughts about my daughter.
Thanks for listening, I have no one to talk to.
Can I ask ALL of you how you found this thread? Did you search I hate being a mom in Google or what?
I found it through it being always replied too along the side of this site.
Just curious.
I googled “hate being a mom” also & found this site.
I googled “I hate being a Mom”. Its not the first time I have either, but its the first time I found something that expressed what I was experiencing.
I found this thread by typing “I hate being a mother” in to google. I read every single post in this thread and I would like to thank everyone for being so honest! I have a 2 1/2 year old, and all though he’s as cute as pie, I absolutely DESPISE being a SAHM. I cry everyday and long for the life I lost. Why didn’t anyone tell me the truth about motherhood? When people ask me how motherhood is going, I tell them it’s boring. It feels good to be honest about it regardless of what others may think of me.
I too found this by typing “I hate being a mom” in google. It just feels so good to know that I’m not the only one with these feelings. I had the worst day/week with my almost 3 yr old. She’s cute as a button and can be so sweet but I swear making mommy mad is her favorite activity. It’s worn me down this week – so much so that when my husband finally came home I told him I felt like I had made a huge mistake becoming a mother and that I was so hurt and frustrated that I didn’t want anything to do with our daughter. His response was “I don’t know how you can say that! She’s your child!”. It just feels so good to know that others get as overwhelmed as I do. Thank you all for your posts. Every situation is different and yet all have the common thread of caring so much and being so overwhelmed that we loose it!
I Jo
Sorry – it cut me off. I wanted to say that I hope I don’t hate being a mom tomorrow…..but I sure do tonight!
I am so glad I found this website…I typed in “Why Do I Hate Being A Mom” and this came up. I never imagined so many felt this way and I thought I was going crazy or something. I am a SAHM and I have 5 children (15, 11, 10, 7 & 4) and my 4 year old is the hardest child I ever had. I really don’t know what planet she is from. She drains me day in and day out. Into everything from the minute she gets up to the second she’s in bed. My 10 year old fights incessantly with my 7 year old. Screaming and crying and fighting all day between the kids. I’ve put them in their rooms, taken things away, you name it but nothing works. They listen to their father when he is home but they don’t listen to me at home when he’s working. I feel like running away and never coming back. But yet I love them all more than anything in the world. So why do I hate being a mom? I feel so confused and angry and do not like this screaming and yelling person I’ve become. I don’t like getting out of bed in the morning only to do the same mindless tasks all day long. I can’t wait for school to start just to be able to shut the TV off and hear NOTHING for a little while. Yet I don’t look forward to all the drama in the morning getting ready for school. I could go on forever. Thank you everyone who posted and finally made me feel like I’m not alone!!
I am so glad there are others out there that feel the same way!!! I feel like such a horrible mother because I do not enjoy it at all. I thought I was the only one that had kids and hate it! All my friends have kids and seem to enjoy every single second of it and all I can think of is when my youngest will be going off to college so I can have some free time!
I am a stay at home mom of a 7 y/o boy and a 4 y/o girl. I love them both dearly, but sometimes I wish I didnt get pregnant…horrible, I know. I feel like shit admitting this. I want to enjoy my kids and I want to enjoy being a mom. I truly wish I did. I’m not depressed, I am actually a very happy type of person once my kids are in bed for the night or when they sleep at their aunts. The nights they sleep out, I am like a whole new woman! I am smiling and laughing and enjoying life again but as soon as they come home, i’m happy to see them, glad they had a good time, but I cringe.
life is so repeatative and boring that I find myself getting aggrivated when it gets too loud, too messy or when I have too many demands being tossed my way.
*sigh* thanks for this post, glad i’m not alone
To Anna’s Mom,
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you can get your life together again. I was in an abusive relationship and got help. I contacted a women’s shelter and they helped me find a house to live for two years, counseling, subsidized day care, foodstamps, medical insurance, ect… I was only 21. I am now 25 and I graduated college. My daughter is 3 1/2. I still have days where its overwhelming. But I realized, I feel like crap because I feel bad about being the mom that I am and wish I wasn’t. You can change your life for the better. Try not to associate her with him even though I know its hard. Remind yourself she is totally innocent of her dad. Hang in there. I am scared of guys though, thats one thing. I don’t date because I’m scared of re-ruining our life. I plan on going to counseling while i just focus on us. I also never forgot to live out my dream so I don’t resent my kid… Good luck. I believe you can do it, its just hard right now but you will get past this— I promise.
PS: I went through a phase where I avoided people too. But time heals. Get support. Share what you are going through and get help. Take care and hugs…
Thanks to all the posts here. It’s really therapeautic. I think part of our sadness is we all don’t want to feel this way… but we do… and it makes us feel like crap and we don’t realize that. We don’t want to feel this way, but we do.
I say, we take this forum as a way to reclaim our lives. Yes, we hate our lives right now all the time or sometimes and know we are not alone in the “evil” thoughts we have. We are human.
I say, let’s all find a way that we can feel better now that we all agree how motherhood can be so taxing in every way…
Looking at our obstacles, whether it is the lack of partner or a crappy partner, working or staying at home… let’s think of ways and dream up what we would like to accomplish while still being a mom… I challenge this to us all…
We can do this!!! Again, thanks to all the posts…
I just thought of you all again today and thougth I’d check this site and see if there were new replies. Just curious. WOw! So many people feel the same way! God bless the internet!
I wish I had had access to it when I was younger. I got pregnatn first in the early 90′s, then in the mid 90′s. Not like today, where there is so much info available. We’re talking 15, almost 20 years ago! So I had very little information. Just the usual BS about how wonderful and amazing it was going to be.
My story went like this. First, utter shock that I was pg. Then awe. Then excitement. I really felt like the ultimate Earth MOther Goddess at first, until reality hit.
The reality was wretched morning sickness that haha..lasted ALL day. Then heartburn on top of it. Despite feeling constantly ill and tired I gained a ton of weight. I felt all stretched out and itchy and hideous. Labor by all medical standards was ‘easy and relatively uncomplicated’ but by my standards it meant puking, shitting, ripping and bleeding and passing out from pain until the child decided to show himself.
I had no more glamourous illusions about pregnancy after that. I threw away the hippie dippie drug-free birth book as soon as I got home. All that ‘imagery and deep breathing’ crap did nothign to prepare me for the war zone that L & D turned out to be. Easy my ass!
Oh and they had to stitch up my butt. Yeah. Easy my ass…literally!
I was very angry after the birth of my son. I was pissed that no on had told me the truth until after. Then it was like I was in this secret club and friends who had had kids before me finally admitted that pregnancy and labor sucked!
Then I was at home for quite some time. A SAHM. After a flurry of visitors and calls, it all trickled away. I was alone a lot except for some infrequent visits by my IL’s and my mom. I became quite depressed. I hated my body and didn’t think it was ‘normal’ to look the way it did. I thought I was supposed to snap back. I never really saw a woman’s body after giving birth, not for real. The airbrushed celebs are what I had to compare myself to. WOmen in my family did not walk around naked. So I was shocked to see the tiger strips and flab hanging everywhere. I looked like a deflated balloon. It really affected everything in my life, to see myself looking old like that and so out of shape.
I also discovered that SAHM’s are really not well respected, no matter what is said about ‘mothers having hte hardest job in the world’. I found a lot of people thought my life was cake….or acted like I mooched off my DH and did ntohing.
I think he thought that too.
DH NEVER helped with the baby and when he did, you’d think he had earned a purple heart for combat. I mean, he wanted praise for changing a diaper?
As you can tell, I am still mad about it.
Recently I watched and old ‘Everyone Loves Raymond’ episode where the wife Deborah seethes at Raymond about pretending to do things poorly so she ends up doing them and she yells out, “DIAPERS!” in absolute fury.
I could totally relate.
I felt like I had no power anymore. I felt like the attractive, fit, sexy woman I had been was reduced to a Jabba the Hut lookalike milk machine that cleaned and made dinner.
I realized I had PPD and asked for some meds from the MD. That helped me get through the next couple of years. I don’t know what would have happened if I had not.
All this talk about ‘bliss’ was foreign to me. I felt like I had entered an alien land, where I hardly knew the language and customs, yet was expected to perform heroic feats. I had to raise this tiny person and was somehow expected to KNOW everything by instinct?
The baby books just made me cry, they seemed so cheery and peppy and my son acted NOTHING like the babies in the book.
He was…and still is…a very strong willed individual!
Why I had a second child? Well, I wanted my son to have a sibling and my DH was horrified at the idea of an ‘only’ and I was thinking that I was just starting to grasp this motherhood thing and well…BAM. There you go. DD was born 4.5 years after DS and she was an easier pregnancy and labor, but a WORSE sleeper and a LOUDER crier. I didn’t get more than 5 hrs sleep the rest of that year, I was crying sometiems from the sleep deprivation. I woudl get so angry at people who woudl invite us to things or ask why we never went out…like couldn’t these people understand I needed sleep? I could not stay on top of the house cleaning and it looked like a shit heap a lot of the time.
My DH was not understanding. I considered divorcing him many times during these early years.
So I totally understand the very dark place a lot of these ladies write from. I do SO wish you all the best of luck and I do believe things can get better for you!
Here’s what happened for me:
I went back to work. It was not easy, but it really saved my sanity and I totally believe that!
I developed my own circle of friends outside of the one my DH and I shared. It was very important for me to have my ‘own’ interests. They also supported me when I wanted to go on a ‘girls weekend’ and my DH fought me on it. They pointed out that I never once interfered with his ‘hunting weekends’
I used my money to hire a P/T housekeeper. It’s worth it.
I took shortcuts and never berated myself for them after I realized that being ‘SuperMom’ was killing me. So soemtimes that meant serving frozen meals for dinner. Or getting takeout. And sometimes it meant letting the kids dress themselves and to hell with it if they didn’t match all the time.
I learned to say ‘No’, whether that meant being asked to chaperone field tripes or bake cookies. If I was too busy that week, I told that person “Sorry, but No,” No is a very powerful word. Use it!
I stopped being a slave to my kids. They learned to do chores . We had some catching up to do, but even little ones can put dirty laundry in baskets and put garbage in the trash. Also, school activities were limited because Mom could not be the chauffer, 24/7.
Mom became more selfish. And the kids respected me more for it.
Good luck ladies. It felt good to tell my story, finally after so many years.
Don’t get me wrong
Mom Like Annas mom…
Thank you for taking the time to read my story and write to me.
25? You sound so wise and very sweet!
Thank you! ((hugs))