still in love….
Posted by anon in Guilt on Sep 26th, 2010 | 3 commentsI’m married with a family and a life, complete with curtains and throw pillows. It all feels fake though. Like I have been forcing myself into each step forward and now I look around and I am in way over my head and I don’t know why I let it get this far. I have been in love with my ex since our first date years ago, but I broke his heart early on because I freaked out at how overwhelmed I was by him. He made fun of marriage once and while I had been known for slighting the concept of marriage often, his joke made my throat close up and tears burn my cheeks. I ran because I was scared. When I met my husband it had been awhile since the break up, but I was still recovering. Things started out slow, then got very fast. I was still in love with the ex, but I also didn’t want to hurt this great guy who didn’t really date much. Now we’re married and have children and a life and every day I wake up and the ex comes to mind. I keep hoping that one day it will end, he’ll fall away from me and I can just be content with my life. But after so many years of this I wonder if this is just the way it is. When I was younger I thought this kind of love was a myth, now it surprises me to know that it isn’t. You can love someone with so much of yourself that time and space lose meaning. I feel guilty for not being more for my husband. He wants me to love him this way, but I don’t. I kind of hope he leaves me so that he can find happiness and someone who he can have an amazing love story with. He deserves that.
3 Responses to “ “still in love….”
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Oh wow oh wow!! This is my story!!!!!!! Only i was the idiot who went and had an affair. I miss my ex everyday, but I’m yet again trying to fix things with my husband! Good luck for you!!
This is going to sound strange, but I’ve been here and it took me years to understand this. I know its cliche, but real relationships take work. What you feel about your ex isn’t actually about him but an idealised version of him. Your mind will wander, everyone’s does. But the thing you need to remember is this perfect image of your ex is polished, glamourous and most importantly not real, just like the fairytale love you feel for him.
Look over what you and your husband have. The work you’ve both put into this relationship and the moments you’ve shared. Those are real.
If it’s still not enough then think about what you need to do next to make you happy.
@Pandora:-
What you have said makes so much sense! I too have been thinking about my ex alot lately and been feeling guilty about it, especially since he treated me like garbage and that’s why I left him and my husband treats me so well, I couldn’t understand why this was happening. I realise I am thinking about the things I loved about my ex and skimming over ALL the reasons why I chose to leave. This helps, even though it was aimed at “anaon – still in love”.
Thank you :)