relapse

Posted by in Guilt on Nov 21st, 2010 | 3 comments

I used to cut myself for 4 years straight. Id always cut in the same 2inch spot because it was easily hideable. The scar tissue built up so bad that I had to wrap a long string around my foearm to raise the vains. I even lost some motor funtion in that hand… I quit 2 years ago because I thought I got better. I guess not…. I had a relapse tonight. It felt nice to slice open my skin. Intoxicated by the pain, yerning for the sight of spilled blood. What a night… I almost hope it happens again. It wouldn’t be necessarily bad if I got caught. It’d almost be a break from life. Or I go too deep and not wake up the next morning. Whatever comes first…

3 Responses to “ “relapse”

  1. Laura says:
    November 21, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    Please don’t kill yourself. I know exactly how you feel, I used to do it too. I know that once you start cutting, it’s easier to do again, it’s like an addiction. But I stopped doing it, do you know why I stopped… I stopped because of God. He loves you and dosn’t want you to hurt yourself, it’s in the bible, and it’s a sin to kill yourself. I stopped because of my religious belifes, and I also stopped for the sake of my family and friends. I knew they loved me, and so I found the strength to stop, even when I wanted to cut, even when times got tough, even when I yerned to see blood, I pulled myself together, for the sake of my family, and the sake of my self. Somebody loves you I promise. I beg of you to seek help of some sort. I know it’s hard to stop but you can do it. I turned to God. PLEASE DON’T END IT, PLEASE GET THE HELP AND SUPPORT YOU NEED, AND ALWAYS KNOW THAT SOMEBODY LOVES YOU! DON’T YOU EVER FORGET THAT YOU ARE LOVED! Good luck. God bless. <3

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  2. Z says:
    November 26, 2010 at 7:05 am

    I’ve never believed that god would help me, I don’t really think he saved me. I learned that people like you and I are stronger than the rest if we can get rid of our own addictions, and it truly is an addiction, the way that worked for me is I just tried really hard to think of blood and tearing skin as gross things, psyched myself out for it so that, no matter how good it felt, it was disgusting to do. I have the same scar tissue build up that you do in some areas, and more “one time only” scars all over my body. And my most hated ones are the ones that were almost decorative, because I thought of it as something that made me unique and that people would idolize me for. The truth is, it’s a disgusting habit, like smoking, or drinking, and you can stop and be better than the rest.

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  3. Steph says:
    July 11, 2011 at 2:44 pm

    I understand. I started cutting when I was 12, I’m 19 now. I used to cut everyday for 4 years. I have hundreds of scars all over my body: my wrists, my hands, my ankles, my calves, my upper thighs, my stomach. They’re everywhere. And I think they’re beautiful, they show what i have been through. The last time i cut was december 2nd. The guy i was seeing was acting strange around me, i thought he was going to leave me. I was angry and upset. I went to my room and cut. Then i crawled into bed and found a note and a rose. I followed the clues and found the guy i was seeing sitting in another room with another rose and another letter. That was the night we started dating. I will always remember the fact that i cut on what should have been a happy day, and i am overwhelmed with guilt. I will never touch the blade again, no matter how bad the urge. don’t make the same mistake as i did.

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