Perfection less

I’m so obsessed with how people see me. I HAVE to be the “best” person in the group. Whether that means I’m the strongest or the most fun or the smartest… it takes in many forms. If I can’t master a particular task or emotion, it might as well not exist in my world. I don’t talk about my issues like how I am depressed and anxiety ridden. I don’t talk about how my younger brother tried to kill me when we were younger. I don’t talk about my cousin who is in high school cuts herself. These things make me weak, they can’t be my real life. But they are. I lost all barriers this weekend at a bachelorette get away and disclosed all of this to a group of girls I barely know but only because I drank entirely too much, again. I am now so consumed by guilt for verbalizing these things and drinking as I did, my anxiety level is off the charts. My husband doesn’t even know how depressed I am by what I did this weekend, by opening up and sharing my life… What is wrong with me?

3 thoughts on “Perfection less

  1. You have stuffed your issues for so long that one day you will burst and alllll your shit will come out. That is depressing and causes a great deal of anxiety…you try and voice your feelings and people tell you to shut up, your nuts, a sicko, on drugs, hallucinating etc. You know you aren’t. But if it will have an impact on others for sharing your truth all hell breaks loose, when all your trying to do is open the doors of communication. It’s extremely frustrating.

    1. When I have called people on shit, I have been told I was hallucinating, insane, nuts…everything…needless to say they mean little to me. They will say anything to squirm out of something.

  2. Nothing is wrong with you except maybe you need to allow yourself therapy so that you can better figure yourself out. Take care – you’re in fine company.

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