Inner Demon
Posted by Confused Soul in Guilt on Aug 8th, 2010 | 5 commentsOk well, I’m 14 years old soon to be 15. My family fell apart before I was born. My real father was abusive to my mom ( from what she told me) and he never wanted me. My mom had to quit school for a while to take care of me, and luckily she had my grand mom and some other “friends” to help me out….although she had one friend we’ll call Dave in my life who paid for my school tuition, I never felt like I had a father. For some reason whenever she left me…I would imagine her never coming back. I guess that’s when I grew independent. I always dreamed of my true father coming back to me…saying how much he wanted me, and secretly I don’t think my mom wanted me. Although she cares for me, buys me things, she always wanted to be a nurse. And I stopped her from it. And she was married when she had me…just didn’t think my dad would leave me.
Later when she was about to take the exam, my aunt stole about 10 grand from her and she’s still trying to this day. In the meantime, my life has lifted up a bit…my grades are good I guess and I have a step-father. But the one thing that will scare for life is this: One of my 3 step-brothers has “mental problems”. He molested me…more than once. I liked it. When I moved in with my step-dad at first he was fine. I was adapting badly and got called “the stupid nappy heady black girl” and I would sit in a corner and cry and tell people I was happy the next day. He gave me a false sense of comfort…I was foolish and went for it..again at 6th grade I felt myself growing up…I’ve went to doctors and other specialists. They say I’m “fine”. I’m good at hiding emotions. When I first got enough courage to tell my mom, she didn’t believe me. I guess she wanted her new marriage to last but it isn’t working…there’s so much more to tell but I can’t control my tears as I write this. I want to be like my other friends….have a normal life, a nice house, normal background. Everyone has inner demons but I can’t bear mine anymore. I used to cut, but my mom stopped me….but maybe I can bear it,,,,maybe. Help me..please. I can’t swim and the my lake of sorrows is too deep….I’m drowning.
5 Responses to “ “Inner Demon”
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Hey. It is not okay what your step brother did to you. I hope that you know you have a right to speak your truth. The fact that your mom did not believe you is a reflection upon her and not you.
Is there someone you know and trust who would listen to you? A guidance counselor at school?
I hope that you can find someone to talk to, and I hope that your step brother can get out of your life. You didn’t deserve to be taken advantage of and what he did was wrong.
Kid – go to the library and get a book called “surviving childhood sexual abuse”. Or order it online, or get your mom to. You’re not alone. There’s nothing wrong with you – the way you feel (alone, abandonded, afraid everyone is going to leave you, even ‘liking it’) is totally normal for what happened to you. And you can feel better. You can get over feeling like you don’t belong anywhere.
You just need to learn why you feel this way (yes, including why you liked it). So read that book and use the resources in the back to find someone qualified to talk to you about it. — Most people can’t help you because they don’t know what to say or think about it. There are people out there that can relate to you, and there are people who can help. You just have to find them. That book will help you find them.
please talk to a teacher or guidance counsler
The way you’re feeling is really normal due to your sexual abuse. I have felt the same way all my life.
I agree, you need a therapist, it will help in so many ways and help you to be safe now.
Your mother needs help too, big time. I’m so sorry that this happened to you and that you’re still living with this molester in your house.. I have lived that way too, I know what it’s like, please, get help and don’t be ashamed. He’s the guilty one, not you
your mom should never have said that your dad didn’t want you. she needs parenting lessons.
seek help for having a bad mother and being abused