im a pedophile

i am 31 years old and have fantasies about molesting children.

[mature content]

i know this is wrong and people will say “your sick!” “burn in hell!” ect. but i cant help how i feel. imagine being homosexual like back in the 50s or something and having certain feelings and knowing how society views them. i cant really get any help without actually molesting a child,getting incarcerated and then getting state ordered treatment. i have molested a child before in my life when i was younger. it was an incestual relationship with a younger family member. i see young girls in the mall or parks(no i dont hang out there) and im aroused by them and ill stare at them fantasizing and catch myself. i actually have 2 daughters and i love them dearly and wouldnt want anyone to molest them. the thought of having sex with my own daughters disgusts me. i really wonder to myself “is this how normal men feel when they think of sex with children? digusted?” i honestly wish i didnt have these feelings i really do… but i do. i was molested by a neighbor boy when i was about 6 or 7. when i was incarcerated when i was a teen for molesting my family member i got counseling and it helped(i think if i didnt get it i would have re-offended) but this is an embarrassing problem with strong stigmas attached. so i masturbate to lolicon and the like to satisfy this awful deviant hunger for young girls. the crazy thing is i have a healthy appetite for grown women i love full figured rubenesque women(which is kind of the antithesis of flat chested boney little girls). i purposely foster an air that i dislike children and refuse to watch friends children because im attracted to their children and dont trust myself. i know this is rambling and disjointed but i just needed to say these things out loud to vent. i need help i hate myself



26 Responses to “ “im a pedophile”

  1. Indyracer57 says:

    You have taken the first step. In fact several good steps. First you admit you have these feelings. Second you know that you are attracted to children and do not trust yourself. You can never trust yourself because these feelings can over shadow everything else. You are doing the right thing not to put your self in a spot that you could act on you feelings. This is the most important thing you do. I doubt that your feelings towards children will ever go away. All you can do is hang in there and make sure you never are in a spot to act on them. They can be controlled. Good luck.

  2. Anonymous says:

    Wow i can not say i know what you are going through , but i am going to school to be psychologist. In one way I got mad reading your post , but then began to understand that you literally hate your self because of this disease you have. You should not hate your self , but rather should get continued help from a psychologist. This is indeed DEEP rooted illness and you must not believe you are in it alone. Pleases go and see someone , i know you are smart person by the way you know that it is disturbing to have these thoughts. That is the first step , good luck i know you can get through this.

  3. bob says:

    I understand what your going through, your not alone…..

  4. Kitty says:

    I am a clinical psychologist and I must urge you to seek treatment immediately. You do not need state ordered treatment, there are many options. Please ask for help, you can get to the root of your problems and eventually be free of these unwanted thoughts. Please act before it is too late.

    • Amy says:

      The hard part is finding someone you can trust. This person has not acted on his impulses, yet there will probably be someone that will call the authorities “in anticipation” of such a thing. How does he weed out the bad therapists before finding a good one?

      • Esmerelda says:

        I wonder if you could get a referrel from the counselor that you saw previously. You obviously were able to trust that person and they know your background. I wonder if seeing a psychiatrist would help rather than just a psychologist or a counselor. Have you tried taking anti-depressants or anxiety medication? Maybe this is a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder if you are having uncontrollable and unwanted thoughts and an OCD medication would be beneficial? Only a truly evil person would think that these feelings that you are having are ok and acceptable and that they should be acted upon. The fact that you have seperated your true self from this disorder is good and you should be proud of yourself. Is it possible to contact the prison psychiatrist and ask them if they can refer you to someone or if you can meet with them? If not, ask if they can refer you to someone else. If you were sexually abused as a child, finding treatment for that may be a good start then you can slowly work towards treating your current feelings. The majority of molesters were molested themselves, so there has got to be someone out there that can treat both sides of this ***** Keep the faith, keep looking, don’t give up, help is out there, you just need to find it.

  5. Sarasota says:

    I agree with Kitty. I’m a survivor of horrible, traumatic sexual abuse perpetrated on me as a child. Believe me, you don’t ever want to do this to someone, I struggle every day

  6. Indyracer57 says:

    Yes run to the psychologist and spend thousands of dollars. Or you could set down and think of what I have said. There is not cure for this. You may have this to deal with for the rest of your life. It is up to you. You can take steps on protecting children. That psychologist can do nothing except listen to you. It is up to you to take action.

  7. Bradoff Pitler says:

    Do your kids and yourself a favor and jump off a cliff. You want to be broken and unfixable, then there is no point in keeping on going.

  8. Here4u says:

    Ur brave 4 admiting it

  9. Z says:

    I’m really proud of you for being able to look at yourself and figure out what you’re feeling. There’s lots of people out there with problems, some more severe than others, myself with cutting I do the same thing, there’s no help to get, but I make sure I keep myself away from harmful objects when I’m feeling unwell. I think you’re doing great simply being able to recognize that you shouldn’t do those things to children, and it’s amazing that you can put their feelings before your own to ensure you don’t harm them.

  10. rei says:

    i understand what you are going through and i too am proud you can at least be honest to yourself. I am not a pedophile myself in certain ways but i have had those fantasies. My doctor said it wasn’t a choice much like my being bisexual but rather something my genes re-determined.

  11. 1girl says:

    Wow…that’s sick. One of my good friends was raped and molested repeatedly when she 6 and she never got over it. If you could see the pictures she drew of herself as a child, the ones with the eyes scratched out and the barbed wire around her wrists, you’d be appalled. If you could see how much she hated herself because of what happened to her, you’d be sick. Oh wait, you already are. Please, get help before you hurt someone.

  12. sky147 says:

    I was fortunate to only have sons, but was scared to have daughters because of my desires for young girls.

    I was “counseled” that fathers were naturalized “immunized” against being sexually attracted to their on children. As I have studied the issue, I believe this is a myth!

    Statistics tell us at least 10% of all men are pedophiles (that is 1 out of ten men!!!)

    Who cares if it is 1 0ut of a million or 100% – the reality is – you are suffering with urges you feel unable to control.
    And – if you act upon those urges you will harm a child – in this case, your own.

    I empathize with your situation – if you keep it secret, you increase your risk. If you tell anyone, you may trigger an “investigation” that could (or likely will) have significant negative consequences.

    The legal justice system in past completely neglected child victims of sexual abuse,
    In receient years they have moved to protect children.

    Unfortunately, they have demonized and alienated men with unhealthy sexual desires toward children.

    I have even herd it stated by (so called) psychological experts that the only proper treatment of any man with pedophile attendances is lifetime incarceration – there is “no possibility of rehabilitation or behavior modification”, and that, “the need to protect young and innocent children far outweighs the acts (or desires) of “sexually divalent men”.

    Unfortunately, society and the legal system is on a witch hunt.

    My advice to you is – legally, anyone you choose to confide in other than your own lawyer is legally required to report anything that that involves a child:
    If there is a report submitted, authorities and social services will be compelled to investigate (including interrogating your children and spouse).
    The likely outcome will be that you will at least be forcefully be removed from your house and family.
    “Officials” will investigate all your behavior, including internet activity. Depending on the individual(s) doing the investigation, even your plea for help could be used as evidence against you.

    The “lofty” goal of the justice system is to protect the innocent and to make an example to society of any person who victimizes in innocent person, especially a child!

    These lofty ideals has a very significant problem:

    - Persons who experience unhealthy sexual desires towards children to be stigmatized and feel there is no hope.
    - When all forms of hope and help are cut off it increases a feeling of hopelessness, which ultimately increases risk of surpassing boundaries Called “risk of offending”.
    Once boundaries have been broken, it is easy to self justify further violations.

    A “social-path” is a person who is not capable of determining right from wrong.

    I do not have clear psychological knowledge of persons with that disorder and in now way desire to judge any person.

    With that said, you are obviously a person who clearly understands what is right and wrong.
    You also seem to be a person who has “unhealthy” sexual desires towards your own children.

    In my (humble) opinion you have taken 2 imperative steps:

    1: Admitted to yourself and others your problem.

    2: Have reached out for help so you can change.

    I think those are the 2 significant admissions any person can make, and I honor you for it.

    I admire you for your courage to admit and reach out!

    I wish I had some magic pill for you to take to make all the horrible desires to go away.

    My friend, I do not wish to minimize the struggle you are going through.
    One of the few things I know about this problem is;
    shame and secrecy are the 2 factors that perpetuates the problem:
    If a person feels more shame, they become more secret. This isolates a person and puts them more at risk to do things they would normally not do ( or even abhor).

    No matter what you have done or your thoughts and feelings, the most important thing is for you to reach out for help!
    You are not the first person to have these thoughts or feelings (or done bad things).
    The past is the past – thoughts and feelings are important.

    It comes down to what you will do in the future.
    I urge you to:
    #1 set a permiter that will protect any innocent person from harm – no matter what the cost!
    #2 Seek help that will actually be helpful to you and significant others.
    #3 Realize there is hope.
    I would not have spent the past 2 hours drafting this response if I thought you were a lost cause. I really respect that you have reached out with your issue. I want to extend hope to you and hope my words will help to prevent a tragedy.

    I do not pretend to say I completely understand what you are going through, but i can honestly say I extend a hand of help and understanding.

    Hope this helps you and others.

    • Indyracer57 says:

      I must say that you wrote a nice response and I agree with what you have said. If I may, I do not think that this, lets say malfunction, can be cured. Control, yes but it will be there until the end. Do not put yourself and others at risk. You can control where and who you are around.

    • Amy says:

      Very nice post. It pisses me off that authorities can turn people’s lives upside even on allegations. I saw this happen to a friend. The girl was lying on the stand (she had no emotion whatsoever, and I know for a fact that my friend was elsewhere – he had proof) and got away with it. Now he has to be on some dumbass registry for 25 years for something he didn’t even do. Total bullshit.

  13. Sarah says:

    I don’t think you are really attracted to children, although it might seem that way to you. I think that when we are hurt by people, we human beings have the urge to hurt someone else to make up for it. I think it has become very twisted in your mind because you were molested when you were younger and this caused much pain and confusion in you. Perhaps you tried to figure out a way where what happened to you isnt that bad, that perhaps its almost normal, because that would cause you to hurt less. So these fantasies started happening in your mind. However, behind these fantasies is not only the desire to hurt someone to even the playing field, but the intense desire to hurt yourself for the guilt you feel. Deep down you might even blame yourself for being molested by your neighboor. Maybe you could have, should have stopped it. And then you molested your sibling so there is more guilt. GUILT SEEKS PAIN. You must come clean and be honest with yourself. You are avoiding the problem by creating another one, a seeming attraction to young girls. This way you can focus on that and forget the real “problem” and this ensures that society will see u as a sick, twisted person, aka the way you see yourself. I know you are suffering deeply inside. You think you are scum, completely worthless, humiliated, hurt and broken beyond repair. But you are none of these. Life has challenged you for certain, but you can still turn this around and LOVE AND ACCEPT YOURSELF. Your neighboor molested you, you weren’t strong enough to resist. What happened was HORRIBLE, but you can either use it punish yourself for the rest of your life and throw your life away and live in a bottomless well of pain or you can look life square in the face and say OK, what did this experience teach me? And how has it pushed me toward becoming more aware of my greatness and divinity? Perhaps feeling the pain of this betrayal is what you needed in order to understand the pain of others, in order to not hurt them. Perhaps you were brought into this world to be a teacher and you needed experience pain, deep pain, in order to help others who feel the same, but cannot find a way out. Try to see any possible good that your pain has brought you, and instead of inflicting pain onto someone else and ruining their life (if you inflict pain on another, you are not only hurting them, but yourself as well) rise above this challenge life has tossed at you. Turn hatred into love. The boy that did this to you was not in his right mind, he didnt know what the hell he was doing, or else he wouldnt have done it, because he hurt himself just as much as he hurt you, except he maybe hasn’t realized it yet. Who you are is not a pedophile. You do not have the desire to harm another. You maybe have the desire to harm yourself, bc you feel so unworthy and guilty, but no matter what you have done, or anyone has done to you, in the eyes of God, or our Source, you are always perfect and divine and absolutely pure. Within you is a seed of greatness that wants to blossom and bathe you in love. No one in their right mind would hurt another. But we cannot stop hurting others if we cannot stop hurting ourselves. Please stop hurting yourself. Your value has never, and can never be diminished because of something that happened in the past. You are very powerful whether you know it or not. Stop putting yourself down, stop trying to put yourself in situations where you will suffer and keep reliving the pain and humiliation of your youth. In you is a piece of the Divine, and that can never be tarnished. Let this Divine spark in you grow, allow the love to pour in and turn the fear, the pain , the anguish to peace. What you experienced when you were younger was NOT OK, feel the anger , the rage, the sadness, the remorse, and then feel the dignity of a child who didn’t know better, and of an adult who wants to grow up and heal. You are loved always, no matter what. Please heal your broken heart and don’t believe these crazy thoughts in your mind which is your ego trying to prove your unworthiness to you once again. You are not unworthy. You deserve a happy, fulfilling life. Please be kidn enough to give that to yourself and allow life to do its part. You will trust again, but that begins with you. If you are interested, I would suggest a book called Loving What Is which will help you question your thoughts and see if they are true. You might find the freedom you’ve been looking for. I love you.

  14. Sarah says:

    forgiveness is the pathway to love

    • D says:

      Agreed, but the hardest part is the self forgiveness.

      I understand you man, i have pass situations similar to that, but in my case i dont even know if i was molested (its like amnesia or something, there are few things that i actually remember of my childhood), but what i do know its that i started having sex way to early, and that might be the trigger.

  15. ItsASecret. says:

    “imagine being ********** like back in the 50s or something and having certain feelings and knowing how society views them” THAT is a HORRIBLE example. People who were ********** back in the 50′s DIDN’T think about touching CHILDREN.

    Anyway. Don’t act on your feelings, you will have pretty much taken the life of your victim.

    • Indyracer57 says:

      This is why I say don’t be surprised that rights of these people. I disagree with your statement about “People who were ********** back in the 50′s DIDN’T think about touching CHILDREN” When in high school it was well known that a roadside park was a place kids could go to have old men do whatever to them. So what women, blacks and *********** are going thought in the pass, the people who likes kids are doing the same today. Wasn’t most ********** acts against the law back then?

      • annonnnn says:

        yes but that was old men not necessarily old, gay men.

        and yes ************* was against the law but there was consent given between both men or both women when they were to engage in sexual acts.

        i think it is very brave of this man to admit his urges and i hope that he gets help for the sake of him and his children!

  16. hereasafriend says:

    how are you coping? I am praying for you!

  17. Jay says:

    I know what you’re going through. I’ve had to deal with the same feelings since I was a teen. What has worked for me…look into what kids go through as a result of molestation. If you have a heart, and it would seem that you do, calling these things to mind when you think of doing something to a child will make you sick. It’s a severe turn-off. It’s tough, you’ll probably try to rationalize and think things like “I wouldn’t hurt them, I would be sensitive and loving…etc”. But if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll know there is no way putting a child through something like that could be anything less than horrifying to them. You’ll scar them for life. There have been times when I’ve almost succumb, just to realize that I don’t want to be remembered in someone’s life as a monster. And don’t forget, molesters in prison are the number one target for rape, beatings, and being killed! If you can’t put yourself in their shoes, however, you’re going to need to get help.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Nabokov was not too far off in his depiction of Lolita – there are young girls out there who feel a similar, deep-rooted attraction to older men. Somehow, this does not carry the same stigma, because children are “innocent” and “experimenting”. I was one of these girls from elementary school forward and am now in college – I was not innocent or testing feelings. I am just as screwed up now.

Leave a Reply