I feel so guilty for cheating on my husband.

A few days ago, I slept with a male friend while my husband was out of town visiting relatives. It only happened, once, I swear, and I did not intend for it to happen. I didn’t set out looking to cheat, it’s something that just happened. We’d had a little to drink. That doesn’t excuse it though. Now, I feel incredibly guilty. I can’t even look at mine and my husband’s bed without getting sick. I love my husband and never planned to betray him. Now, I’m wondering if I should tell. If I do, he may leave me. I wouldn’t blame him if he did. I’m sick to my stomach just thinking about what I did.



68 Responses to “ “I feel so guilty for cheating on my husband.”

  1. mac says:

    talk about being sick, wait till you find you that you’re bred.

  2. dude says:

    Just keep your mouth shut. And never drink with another man alone again.

    • Anonymous says:

      I agree, try to forget about it, but try to figure out is there something emotionally or sexually lacking in your relation ship with you husband that may have cause you to get yourself into this situation with another man?

    • Anonymous says:

      June 5, 2011 at 11:33 am DO NOT TELL! EVER EVER EVER EVER! I was married to my husband for 21 years. 6 years in to my marriage I felt very very alone. He was a work-a-holic. I was out of town and was wooed by a co-worker who worked in another state. He told me how beautiful I was, how smart, how exciting…I fell for it sink, line, and hook. After talking to a Catholic Priest and a counselor, I decided not to tell him. For six months I kept the secret hidden. Then, one evening, I felt he needed to know the truth and I shared. I felt he needed to make a decision based on honesty. I told him about the one night stand. it was THE MOST SELFISH thing I have ever done; to rid myself of the guilt and put him in pain. He ended up staying married to me, for another 15 years when I asked for a divorce. I knew 15 years ago I was not happy, that something was not right, and that my love language was communication, so I was starved. Like my behaviorilist said…”When you’re starving, the garbage looks good”. She was right.
      The biggest regret I ever had was to tell him. It was a concious mistake being caught up in the moment of feeling like a princess and not a wife, housekeeper, cook, breadwinner. For one moment I felt sexy and alive and desirable.
      The next morning? I felt sick. I felt like vomiting. My husband did NOT deserve to be kept in the closet of my infidelity.
      However, with that being said??? I wish to God I would have never told him. To rid myself of 6 months of guilt and place the burden of my stupidity was selfish!!! Only later, much later, when I began having similar feelings I knew that I needed to finish what I started and I asked for a divorce. No drugs, no alcohol, no women, no men…Just a realization of wanting and desiring something more for myself.
      In the end? My husband told me as he looked in to to my eyes he wished I never would have told him. My counselor said that he ended up holding that against me for the rest of our marriage.
      DO NOT TELL unless you know that your desire is a catalyst and a sign that your marriage is over.
      I hope this helps from someone who has been in the exact same situation as some of you are in now.
      For those of you who post your holier than thou comments without ever having experienced the guilt and confusion of having a fling or an affair…Until it happens to you, your opinion really doesn’t count!

      • anonymous says:

        That was a really beautiful response. I am in your exact same shoes with my boyfriend. I saw my ex-boyfriend last night (who I never had a connection with, he was so sweet, perfect on paper, but lacked that spark) my boyfriend at the time seems to be a great match but is in medical school so he has little to no time with me (even talking on the phone) so when I reconnected with my ex (extremely complimentary- felt like a princess type story) I thought I might be able to date my dream guy while getting the extra attention I wanted. Well last night we had way too much to drink and ended up sleeping together. I feel so guilty but knowing how hurt he will be if I tell him keeps me silent and prayerful. But now I’m questioning if I can handle dating this guy through medical school hearing your story. Is there something missing I’m just brushing off and getting from other sources? I feel like I’m trying to keep this dream guy safe while hurting myself on the way by neglecting my needs?

        • ashamed says:

          I hear you loud and clear. I’m in the exact same situation except I’m the one away at school and it was a guy from uni I was with. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 years and he’s the only guy I’ve ever been with…until the other night. To make things even worse, the guy I was with also has a girlfriend that he lives with. I haven’t met her but I will this weekend at a party. Feel so sick at the thought. He has spoken to me about how unhappy he is but it’s hard to figure out if that’s just a hook he uses when he’s drunk to cheat or if he is genuinely feeling messed up. not sure which is worse. Not sure how to figure this guy out at all which just adds to the confusion of why I did this. I don’t fancy him really, I like him as a friend but he’s so not a guy I’d like to be with. I don’t get what the attraction was. He’s not even charming he’s a bit pervy if anything. I love my boyfriend and I can see myself spending my life with him but I think because I’m away(in a different country no less) I had the urge to (for want of a better word) experiment? I spoke to my friend today who was there earlier in the night in question and we spoke about the night (but i haven’t told her what happened later) and I can’t seem to remember much of the night at all. I had quite a bit to drink. I know this is no excuse it just adds to the guilt. I’m not going to tell my boyfriend because I think it would just hurt him needlessly but I’m terrified that if I got these urges before, then I might again. I had to see that guy in uni today and I feel physically sick all day. I don’t know what to do. I know this feeling is a sort of punishment that I just need to accept but I’m a coward and I’m so afraid people are going to find out. I think I’m capable of forgetting about it in time I just hope it happens soon. I sound so selfish, I know. I’m sorry for offloading I think I just need to get it all out. I’m too ashamed to tell any of my friends. I haven’t lived here long enough to trust anyone here and my closest friends are all at home and all know my boyfriend and really like him so it just makes me so shameful. I hope my feelings of wanting to stray are only temporary and because I can’t be with my boyfriend. I really didn’t want to hurt anyone else though so the fact that he has a girlfriend who I’m going to meet is killing me. As a faceless girl it’s a bit easier to distance myself from her but when I meet her I’m afraid I might be physically sick or get too drunk again which I don’t want to do either. The reason I need to offload like this as well is because I’m also going through a really stressful time in uni with a lot of assignments to get done. I hope this doesn’t cause me to f**k up my career as well.Thank you anyone who has read this. Knowing that I’ve told even a stranger, anonymously, helps me get my head around the situation.Sorry this is so long. Even if noone reads it it has helped a bit to write it down. I’m crying about it now for the first time so I think that may be a good sign.

          • sosad says:

            hi,iknow just how you feel.I have had a couple of kisses,whilst i was married.Iamnot justifying my self ,but i did feel so neglected and we were arguing most of the time but always still loved my husband.I never told him as i knew it would crucify him and i would only really be telling him to ease my own guilt and cause him pain.I will always live with the guilt and thats the price you pay.I would be motified ifmy husband had cheated me.Sadly my husband suddenly passed away recently at only 39 yrs old.I know now what i had and cant get back.My punishment now will be,that i am on my own and so sad.I miss my husband soooooooo much and i know what a bad wife ive been.I do regret those drunken snogs but i still know i did the right thing by not telling my husband.Why off load our own guilt and hurt them more.

  3. Bubear says:

    You are so full of it, your eyes are brown. You meant to cheat otherwise you wouldn’t have done it. You came here seeking absolution, well missy it aint gonna happen. This is one you have to live with and to be honest you WILL do it again and will justify it with booze or dope.

    And you won’t tell hubby cause as long as your doing him and he pays for all the crap you have you will keep him and continue to make a cuckold outta him.

    Thats your turn on. The nex step is to feed him creampies if you haven’t already.

  4. Mila says:

    OP, you made a mistake, and it sounds like you are truly remorseful. However, you have a decision to make. You can either tell your husband, accept the fact that he may be so upset and angry that he will not want to continue with the marriage, or you can keep it to yourself as one mistake in the past and live with the guilt. Only based on what you have said here, it sounds like you will not be able to live with the guilt. Telling your husband will relieve you of that secret, but then the process of rebuilding your marriage will have to begin, if he is even up for it. It will take a lot of work and effort on your part to convince him to trust you again. What you did was wrong, but telling him will shatter his world. If you are willing to accept the challenge of his anger and resentment and trying to fix everything, confess. If you think you will lose him, just accept that this was a one-time mistake and try to move on. We all make mistakes and sometimes we go too far before we realize the gravity of the situation. I wish you the best whatever you decide to do.

  5. 24 year old says:

    well i belive it’s not a big mistake.
    it happens in everyone ones life. there will be hardly any females who had intercourse with one partner only throutout their life. and in men’s case it will be even less. this is 21st century. ur must have had sex with other women but din’t told u. it’s life. move on with it. remeber everything is leagal unless u get caught.
    don’t be gilt of it

    • Jeff says:

      24 Year Old, um I don’t know what world you live in, so you are justifying this because she’s a women and so therefore it is ok? And assuming that he cheated as well? Get real, this is BIG deal, they are married. And the fact that somebody has more than one sexual partner in life doesn’t have anything to do with being married, most of that occurs before marriage- unless you’re a cheater. But, I guess according to you that doesn’t mean anything anymore. For your information, women cheat more than men… look it up

      http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/ho.....e77126.ece

  6. Also...healing says:

    You should tell your husband and maybe you two can work it out but expect the trust to be gone and him to hate the male friend. I am in the position of your husband and we are working on things. But I have lost all trust and have gotten very suspicious. It has also sent me into depression.

  7. Keepin It Real says:

    LOL! I can’t believe when Cheaters all of a sudden feel so guilty and try to downplay the whole thing…with quotes like “It just happened”…no honey, forgetting to take out the garbage, now that just happens. But when you have your legs spread and have a guy’s ***** inside you…you planned on it all along. Ya never know, maybe your husband has a lil fling while he’s visiting his relatives.

  8. its ok says:

    what you did was bad. u know it. thats why you get sick. but thats the past now and there is nothing you can do to change it. so the only thing you can do is move on. if you truly love your husband and want to be with him and know that you will never do this again..then you do not have to tell him. it will only hurt him and make things worse. just move on and try to deal with your feelings in a healthy manner. you are disgusted because you cant accept what you have done. once you accept it and learn from your mistakes you will feel better. you wont ever forget it but you can forgive yourself. just go day by day.

  9. Dink says:

    If you didn’t mean it to happen well relax. Don’t break up a marriage because you feel guilty. By doing so you are going to inflict pain to you husband if you tell him.

    If you are inclined to cheat on your partner, you just need to remeber. If you love your husband don’t tell him and just enjoy the sex with the other person. Make sure you still make love not sex with you’re husband.

  10. Betrayed_H says:

    At least you have a conscience that is punishing you for your betrayal.

    You may not have set out to cheat but things seldom ‘just happened’. Either there is something inside of you and/or inside your marriage that left you vulnerable for the perfect storm. And unless you find out what it is through professional counseling, the odds of it happening again are very high.

    Things that may help to move you forward are:

    1. Pre-emptive strike. Ending all contact with your male ‘friend’. If he is a close, mutual friend of you and your husband’s then it is going to be very hard. But chances are good that this ‘friend’ will start to make himself scarce if you take the initiative of telling him that if he doesn’t then you are going to tell your husband. It’s probably safe to say that he may not want to find himself dealing with your angry husband.

    2. Get rid of that bed. It’s not going to wipe away your betrayal but doing so may help your efforts to stop reliving those mental images of you having sex with the other man. This in turn may also help you to reclaim you physical intimacy with your husband before your change in behavior causes your husband to suspect that something happened.

    I wish you the best.

    • Anonymous woman says:

      i have done the same mistake, i feel guilty and sometimes go into great depression, i sometimes get suicidal thoughts as well,
      i need advise, i am also confused should i tell my husband? because i want to get rid of the burden, but i dont know what will his response be like,but at the same time i dont want to hurt him either, he loves me a lot, but i know he wont accept this mistake, i have a conscience which is not allowing me to breathe ! help me.
      -Anonymous woman

  11. Love Means Forgiveness says:

    I’m writing because few of the above comments seem very helpful. There’s no point trivialising what happened. It is serious; it has taken its toll on you, as you said, you feel sick. In order for an action to remain in the past I believe you have to confess it, and then work towards rebuilding the relationship. Often the best response is the one that seems the hardest and requires the most courage. Telling your husband is the most loving thing you can do, it shows that you want trust to exist within the relationship. Forgiveness takes time, but when inspired by love it is not impossible. In short, problems don’t go away unless they’re dealt with.

  12. michelle says:

    I haven’t cheated on my husband but came very close. We are all brainwashed into believing that monogomy is natural but it isn’t. It is a struggle to remain faithful to one person because it is going against our natural instincts. You strayed. You’re human not supernatural. If you love your husband Do Not tell him! Take your affair and file it away into the archive of life experience and memory. In ten years will it really matter anyways? Telling him will just create problems. Take your secret to the grave.

    • Anonymous says:

      I agree with Michelle 100%

      • Agree says:

        I also agree. Telling your husband would be selfish. It might relieve you of guilt, but it will hurt him badly, and your marriage and the way he feels about you will never be the same.

        If you are truly remorsful, keep it to yourself and let it be a lesson to you. Never cheat again, and this may actually strengthen your marriage and make you a better person.

        • hello says:

          Personally, I think keeping the secret to yourself is being selfish. Your fooling yourself if you actually think that by hiding your infedelity from your husband has the possibility of making your marriage stronger. Your entire relationship from this point on is completely based on a lie. The only way to have a trustworhy relationship is to tell him the truth and make it his deciscion if the relationship is worth fixing or not.

    • Chizo says:

      Very Dishonest advise , in this world Michelle there are no secrets he will find out

      Why marry in the first place if you can not control yourself , life is about discipline whether its food , sex , work, friends you need to be disciplined

    • Anonymous woman says:

      Dear Michelle,
      i can understand ur feeling but u mentioned u haven’t cheated yet, so the feeling of guilt might have never occurred to u, since u were never wrong, for someone who actually did that, they suffer from inside like i am suffering, i know i was wrong, and sometimes i get into depression. and feel bad about myself, then i compare myself with other women i know,and then think ‘how could i ever do this?’ they might have never done that ! these thoughts just don’t go from my mind. i sometimes feel i wish i could go back and undo my mistakes. please advice..

    • Chico says:

      Wow Michelle, you are a very bad person. You are making bullshit excuses for someone who made a very selfish mistake. I agree that monogamy is not “natural” but we are not animals that are ruled by instinct. We have free will and can make our own choices. To the OP, anyone advising you not to tell your husband is a piece of garbage. Your husband deserves to know that truth about his wife’s character. It should be his decision as to whether or not he wants to continue to be married to a cheater. He may want to work things out and forgive. He may hate you for the rest of his days. That is his decision to make and you are being very selfish if you do not tell him the truth.

    • Max P says:

      Coming close means you were in a situation where you shouldn’t have been. Its good that you did have enough sense to realize what you were doing.

  13. manjulasena says:

    As far as your husband doesn’t know about your behavior he will not suffer. It is like nothing has ever happened to destroy your relationship with him. The time passes. None of us freeze in the same moment forever. There is a begining and an end for everything. So keep it a secret forever. Never let him know about it. Bury it deep in your heart and forget it. Think it had never happened. But determine not to do it again. Your feeling of guilt will dissapear.

  14. Brandon says:

    I too have cheated on my girlfrined and i feel like shit every time i wake up i want to cry, if i tell her she will think that LOVE do’s not exsit, which isnt true i love her with all my heart and only reason this happend was because i drank way to much beer and couldent think of anything, and that same night reality hit me and i cryed for hours, now when i see a differnt girl i just look away and look at the ground like i dont care what another girl besides my girlfrined could do for me. and i dont know what to say to my girlfrined, im terrifieyed of her leaving me.

    • Anonymous says:

      I feel you Brandon. The feeling is horrible, we don’t ever want our girls to leave, but the expense for that, is the suffering inside ourselves…

  15. Pat says:

    I cheated on my girlfriend two times and alsmot two other trimes I told her everything except for making noise with the on guy I had sex with but other then that i told her I feel so guilty as soon as I wake up all day and as soo as I go to bed I lost 11 pounds in a week and I cant eat I really love her and want to rebuilt out relationship and I want to get ride of the guilt its horriable

  16. Anonymous says:

    At times, telling the other person, only helps you in the respect that you’re no longer holding onto a secret, but ends up destroying the relationship.
    If it was something that wasn’t a one off thing, by all means you should tell your partner.
    I personally think, you’re better off not telling him, as this was a one off thing, but make sure you never set yourself up for the same mistake again: eg catching up with male friends while your husband is out of town.

  17. Anonymous says:

    you are really in a dilemma. i understand you .my boyfried dumped me ,and i kind of had a relationship with my ex.then,he wanted me back. now i do not know what to do.if i go back, i will also have a secret.

  18. miss lady says:

    ask God to forgive you !!! n dnt u ever think bout doin it again

    • sonic says:

      iam the husband of a wife who had sex now she feel gilt how do i help her my love is deep i want to help her what do i need to do

  19. Anonymous says:

    Ok here is what to do. Sit down with your hubby, make sure it is on that bed were you cheated at. Find out what his sexual fantasys are. Tell your hubby every single detail of the affair that you had. Don’t hold back, let him know how much bigger and better your other lover is. When he is at the point of crying or getting really upset then tell him that you wouldn’t have done it if he had been a better lover. Let him know this will probbley not be your last time at stepping out on him. By this point you can let him know that you will only fullfill his fantasys with your new lover and not for him. Another thing you can do is to ask your new lover over for the night. Now if I were you I’d ask my hubby to sleep in the livingroom because your hubby might be crying too much for you two to enjoy yourselves.
    Does this seem a bit selfish?
    Don’t like the sounds of this?
    Ok, now here is what might work if your willing. I’ve had this same thing happen to me and thank god at the time I was not married.
    First off, you need to tell him about the affair. Give him every detail he wants. Make sure you don’t hide any detail or try and defend and or justify yourself.
    Next thing is that you should expect a blow up over this, or some sort of responds crying, shaking, yelling, etc.
    Let him know that it is your fault and that you don’t deserve him. Tell him your sorry. Cannot say “I’m Sorry” too much.
    Now you need to show him that your not only sorry but that your going to be trustworthy. So cut all contact with the other man. If you work with him quit your job. No phone, text, email, chat, etc. NO CONTACT. Give your husband access/passwords to all your email accounts phone and credit card records, I mean everything. You’ve shown that you cannot be trusted and in order for this to work your privacy needs to be a thing of the past. Hubby must know everything about your daily life as possible. Marriage counseling is a must and he will need counseling on his own too. However he did not break this so why should he pay for it. This means you go get a job or a second job to pay for this. For both you and your hubby. Get your hubby that treat he has always wanted, Harly, Boat, Car, whatever it is. Never turn him down for sex, also later on might help if you did fullfill one of his fantasys that he has never done. Mind you this includes a threesome or whatever his thing is. However I must tell you that if he sticks with you, that your in for a long ride. You might make his favorite dinner only to find it flying across the room and here him yell to you about why did you do it. Let him calm down, pick up the mess, and later when he is hungry make him some more food. Again his emotions will be all over the place. He might go into a depression, need medical services, loose weight, cry, yell, all these things. If you want to show him how sorry you are, be there hold him, again tell him how sorry you are for putting him thru this. Only time I would say leave is if he hits you. If not then this is what your going to put up with for a long while. Notice I did not say days, weeks, months, or years. Thing is that there is no time frame on getting over this. Some people never do and hurts them till the day they die. For some people is what also helps is to start the marrage over again. Offer this to him, it shows that your willing to take a great risk to win his trust back. Get a Divorce, take no alimony or anything like that. Date again, and set a new wedding date. This starts off a new marrage with a clean slate so to speak and also shows that your willing to give him his life back at no financial cost to him.
    Mind you not sure if this will work but is the only shot you’v got in my book.
    Good Luck

    • Texas Thomas says:

      This will be one way to resolve the issue, I will definitely recommend this post because it truly shows remorse. You can also offer all effort to restore the trust.

  20. Anonymous says:

    i cheated on my boyfriend,it was a kiss and i felt disgusting, i still feel sick, i cant sleep and i cry all the time. I have read many posts and comments like this. I have decided not to tell him because i know for a fact he would leave me and despite what you think i love him with all my heart and teling him would destroy us both. I cant bear to think of what i did to him i just want to go back to that night and change everything so it never happened.

    It may seem selfish of me to lie, but i love him and he loves me, we have a really good relationship. I know I will never do anything like this ever again and i know i am going to have to live with this forever now. I am trying to forget but its very difficult the only thing that helps is knowing that other people are in this position and that more bad than good can come from telling this particular truth.

    • Anonymous says:

      More bad came from you doing what you did in the first place. You have to face the consequences of your action.

      if you truly love your boyfriend, you tell him because love requires honesty. You ell him, and whatever happens, you did what was right. That’s what love is.

      You selfish woman.

      • Anonymous says:

        No you have it all wrong, dont call her selfish she made a mistake, we are all human mistakes happen, but to be soo selfish to tell them is not right at all, you will only hurt him even more and will lose him forever, i cheated 3 weeks into the relationship and i couldnt deal with the guilt that i ended up telling him 4 years later and it ruined my relationship, we struggled on for 6 months but then that was it, he still holds a grudge against me 2 years later, take my advice and NEVER EVER open your mouth you will only destroy your parnter and believe me the guilt for that is alot worse than a silly kiss

  21. Leonardo says:

    Well My girlfriend got drunk and kissed a guy on a night out and told me – she saw nothing wrong with it… I think it’s point of view. For me, she stepped over the line, so I kissed and cuddled with another woman when I was out and didn’t tell her. I WOULDN’T HAVE EVER DONE THIS IF SHE’D STAYED FAITHFUL, I DID IT PURELY BECAUSE SHE DID IT TO ME. If she’d F***ed the guy we’d be over, after I did it back on her, and let her know lol. There are Women and Men out there who are true, but don’t be a pushover.

  22. jr says:

    you are a disgusting pig. i’m appalled at the fact you would let your husband sleep in that bed after you soiled it with your sins. what the hell kind of married woman invites male friends over for drinks when the husband is away? you knew what you were looking for you disgusting pig, if you were my wife i would beat you senseless and throw your tramp ass out on the street with the rest of the hookers. i hope you get aids.

  23. Mona Lisa says:

    ..I have been marreid for 20 years and I had only my husband as a sexual partner he is my only one,until few month ago I met a cute guy and we flirted with each other which it turned into sexual relationship…I see him once a month for my needs and we have awesome time togheter.There is one thing that I am concearn about: I dont feel guilty!I don,t feel selfish I dont feel ashamed,I love my husband and we have great relationship.I like my lover and it feels good being with him from time to time…Who am I?

    • Texas Thomas says:

      You are a homewrecker. Pure and simple. You use two men and invite confusing and sorrows. One day the husband will have a hissy fit and throw you to the curb. Then what are you going to do?

    • since_8019 says:

      Who told you that you love your husband. Ppl dont cheat whom they love. How about ur husband finding a lover and spend time with her just for feeling good without any concerns for you.

    • lorri says:

      omg i am so glad i am not the only one who is in the same boat as u, i am in the same situation and again i feel happy and alive, live life to the full u only live once , i cant answer (who am i)because i thought id neva do anything like this but it feels so right, relax and go with the flo we live in the 21st centry.

  24. kmac says:

    Whoever tells you to keep your mouth shut and let it become a memory has never been in that situation before, or they have no conscience to speak of. You feel guilty now, and yes in time that guilt will lessen, but it will not go away completely. I had been with my girlfriend for 7 years, and for the last 4 of those, there were rumours that she had cheated. She denied it and of course I gave the benefit of the doubt and defended her. We eventually split after 8 years, and she eventually told me she slept with a guy from her work about three years into our relationship. She also admitted the guilt never went and contributed to our eventual break up. I am still in touch with her and to this day she wishes she had said something sooner because she now knows I would have been angry but would have forgiven her eventually. Do not fall into the trap of thinking you are being kind by keeping your husband in the dark; on some level, he will know what you have done just by the way you act or things you say. In retrospect, I knew.

  25. BrOkEn says:

    I have recently gone through the same thing. I just got married 4 months ago and I have been with my husband for 7 years before that. I cheated because I was not getting what I needed from my husband because he is always at work. No excuse. I am very selfish. BUT I can not tell him because that would be even more selfish of me! Dont tell your husband. You will only be hurting him to get rid of your own guilt, which, after what you (and I) did, is deserved. It will pass over time as long as you stop the affair. I should probably take my own advice. :(

    • Anon says:

      What a crock. It wouldn’t be selfish of you to tell him, it would be selfless. The only reason you’re not telling him is so you can protect YOURSELF. You’re still as selfish as you’ve always been and haven’t changed a bit.

      What a prize he has in you.

  26. Rockochazz says:

    I’m not going to state the obvious, you know what you did was wrong; that’s why your conscience has recently did an about-face, and slapped the same.

    What I will do is tell you that I was cheated on after eleven years of marriage. She did everything she could (as well as the other guy) to end the stability of two families. It destroyed my self confidence to the point I haven’t even dated in eighteen years. I was at least lucky to have an understanding and supportive family (parents, siblings, and two beautiful daughters). I protected those two little girls from hearing anything about their mother’s infidelity. They’re are now well adjusted, grown and living their own lives; with the full love of both parents, to which I’m extremely grateful.

    ********* aside, I’m still all alone, and my ex is still married to her one time work superior, and now full time husband. Would I have preferred that she let go of that poisoned relationship and tried to work things out? Absolutely! But in order for that scenario to play out, her guilt would have had too lead her to a different life path. The choice was hers, and she made it. I don’t know how she would answer your ****** or if anything she might offer could help you. I only know that affairs, adultery, the extra marital mombo, or whatever your mental perception of the deed is, effects all concerned. Remember that, and do as your heart directs. Maybe your husband has a strong resolve to salvage your marriage. I hope so for you and all concerned. Good luck and God bless.

  27. Matt says:

    The BIGGEST mistake you could make would be to tell him of your infidelity. This would be an extremely selfish thing to do as it would only serve to diminish YOUR guilt. It would poison your relationship and his self-esteem for a long, long time. Learn from your mistake and do not repeat it. Lavish kindness on your loved one and “pay off your guilt” by becoming a better wife. The guilt is yours to shoulder – do not make it his problem too.

  28. Elle says:

    Recently a similar thing has happened to me. Me and my boyfriend were going through a really rough patch and trying to make our relationship better,but I believed that I was slowly falling out of love with him. Well, I went to a friends house one night and got really drunk, most of the night I can’t remember, but I ended up sleeping with one of the guys who was there.

    I spent the whole of the next day feeling sick and completely disgusted with myself, and I realised the truth, that I loved my boyfriend more than anything.

    First thing I did after this, was think and try and remember why I did it. And the answer came to me, that I was deeply unhappy, and that I wanted to know whether I really wanted to be with someone else. This is the most horrible way to go about it I know, but when your drunk things aren’t always so clear in your mind (I do realise this is not an excuse, I have no excuse).

    The second thing I did, was realise that I had to tell my boyfriend. I couldn’t live with doing this, and I fully expected him to end the relationship, I needed him to do this as I felt this is what I deserved. I told him as soon as I could, and I asked him to do what’s right and leave me. Even though I love him more than anything, and It would’ve broken my heart. I told him, its the right thing to do.

    He was desperately hurt, and angry, but in the end, he told me that he wanted to stay with me and make it work because he loved me so much. I am still currently trying to deal with this, because in my heart I am so grateful, but in my head I feel I don’t deserve this.

    But we are slowly working through this difficult time, and I am trying my hardest to show him how much I love him in everything I do, and try and be positive for us. But for me sometimes its very hard to hide the guilt, but in a way it might be a good thing, as it makes him realise that I’m not getting over it quickly, and this may reassure him that I still feel the guilt and pain I deserve.

    Therefore, my advise is to tell him and expect the worse, you have cheated and you made a conscious decision to. This pain is necessary. However, in telling him, highlight the fact that you did so because you love him, you are sorry and that you never want any secrets in your relationship. Let him make the decision to stay or go, and stay silent and try not persuade him to stay, you have wronged him and it is up to him.

    If he decides to stay with you, then realise that this man truly truly loves you. Really think about what this means, and show him every day what he means to you, and slowly trust may build up, but this may take years.

    If he decides to leave, then give him time and space, after a few weeks, you could possibly contact him and tell him how much you’ve missed him and love him. If he ignores these messages or responds negatively, then you must never seek to contact him again, it is over, and u have to accept responsibility, and move on. If he doesn’t then you could possibly try and rebuild your relationship, but this again will take time.

  29. chloe says:

    Take this to the grave. You made a mistake. If you love your hubby, protect him from your human mistake. Your guilt showed you just how much you love and care for him. Learn from the mistake and move on. You’re human and we’re not monogamous by nature. DO NOT TELL HIM. There is nothing to be gained by doing that.

  30. Fairness is Fairness says:

    What you did is wrong, nuf zed. Life still goes on, it’s true. But now what you’re worrying about is that you’ll have him find out about what happened – and that if he does, all hell will break loose. You did after all marry him, and not just kept it as a girl/boyfriend relationship. Fair is fair though – maybe it might help your relationship if you set him up with someone else sexually. Maybe arrange for a threesome for his birthday. Turn it into something fun – which is what our short lives are meant to be about. Make him understand that sex and love could be separate. If you cheat on him, and leave it one way, karma might get back at you, and have him cheat 10x on you – we won’t want that now would we? ;-)

    • GF who cheated... says:

      I cheated on my bf. And it wasn’t cuz of anything other than that I was bored and have been bored with our sexual relationship. We have tried talking about it, but I still can’t get pleasured by him. I know I have been selfish, but I nvr believed life to be about pain, and have always been (bitchy to some, though it may seem) of the idea that my body is my own, and I am allowed to sleep with whomever I please. Hate me for whatever it takes, but cést juste moi. To explain – I believe that my life is just limited – me as me – for the lifetime that this life will be. Even if I would be reborn, I won’t be this person any longer. Thus, I would like to squeeze as much experience as I can get into this 1 life, and it just so is that sex with different men is one of it. But granted – I am not married nor do I think I will ever get married.

      I agree with Fairness – that life just has to roll right on. If you feel guilty, maybe take this to a new direction. Life doesn’t have to be grave and solemn – instead try to take a new positive angle and push towards it. Suggest fun, have a líl menage a trois, have him do you in a public bathroom, or construction site, or behind some rocks on the beach… on the dancefloor!

      Why did I cheat? I can only explain that it’s because I know it’s wrong – it’s exciting for that moment! And it’s moments that make things happen – I always wanted to live it up slightly dangerously and have lots of fun in my short life.

      Poor girl, I feel for you, but yet, I cannot stress enough that deep inside, you’d wanted to cheat – because if you really didn’t, then you wouldn’t have landed in that situation – nor even carried on with it (because I’m sure it didn’t just last for 5 minutes! – any one time in between you could’ve pushed off and ended it – but you didn’t) So don’t wallow in self-pity. Do something about it – my advice is to make it fun for both you and him – since you’re already a

  31. xiz says:

    you cant unscrew someone… just keep it to yourself. guilt is your punishment.

    and to all married people….

    DONT BE ALONE WITH A PERSON OF THE OPPOSITE SEX. this keeps you from doing something stupid or being “raped”

  32. Greg says:

    What you did is commit adultery. Thus you are an adulterer. Thank God for your guilt. At least you are not yet a serial adulterer. Try if you may to keep this a secret on earth, you will still be judged for your terrible sin—against your husband and God. It is better to confess and repent now while you still have time. Grow up and deal with the consequences of your actions. If you don’t, the good marriage you had will begin to unravel. You will begin to suspect your husband of the very same conduct—fear and suspicion is now your master. You have and will continue to experience a loss of intimacy with him. Your self respect—zero. A good marriage is built on honesty and trust. Confess before being caught, it will go a long way to restoring trust.

  33. Anonymous says:

    Let’s be clear: your cheating with this man did NOT “just happen.” There was no “it” that you could say “it just happened.” You made a choice, a bad one based on how you feel about it now, but it was a choice in the moment. Being a little drunk and not planning it may be extenuating circumstances, but it was still a choice. I assume the two of you did not accidentally drink alcohol nor accidentally wind up in bed. He wasn’t accidentally there when your husband was out of town.

    I’m not saying this to heap guilt and judgment on you, just to say that it’s important for you and your relationship to figure out WHY you made those choices. There’s something in your life and in your marriage that needs work. That’s no excuse, because explanations are not excuses. But keeping it quiet and never examining it ever again is really not going to work. Fix the problems in your marriage if you can.

    As for confessing, cynical as this may sound, you should confess if there’s any possibility he will find out anyway. The worst thing is if he finds out from someone else (his friend, for example).

  34. Good girl says:

    Listen, I was just in a somewhat similiar situation, a little more involved. I was in a long distance relationship. We were getting very serious. The bf got cold feet and dumped me. I was ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED. He came back to reunite 3 months later around the holidays. I was dating other guys, truly to help cheer up and move on. I loved the attention. But none of them held a candle to him. One guy I was dating was very handsome and totally head over heals for me, but not exactly what I wanted. Honestly, it was hard to break it off since my bf was so far away. Also, the bf was slow to court me heavily, which I felt he needed to do to completely show me he wanted a full commitment. In fact, on one visit, I felt hurt that he wasn’t jumping in with both feet. So, kept dating the other one until I felt sure the bf was completely committed. In fact, I ended up sleeping with this other guy. I broke it off, but, 3 months later, after being on the same page with the long distance bf, cutting off all ties with other men, he found an exchange of texts between this other guy and I. Needless to say, he felt bad for betraying me by reading it but I felt bad he saw this. He said he wanted to forget about it and move on but this deeply hurt him. We had plans to get married and the whole nine yards. But I worry I have ruined his image of me. I felt a big part of his love for me was the goodness of my character. Bottom line is, go to therapy, work on your guilt. Move on. Nothing good will come of this by telling him. It is over. Let it go. Unless, there are issues in your marriage and deficiencies causing you to look elsewhere. I am still in the process of riding myself of the guilt. Technically, you could say I did nothing wrong, but I feel bad that I have hurt the person I love more than anything. Don’t hurt him for no reason. Just let it go.

    Best of luck with this…<3

    • SeaSalt says:

      Hi, I know this is a long time after your initial post, but on the off chance that you see this reply I just wanted to say that I sympathise so much with you.

      I am also in an LDR, and cheated (but not “technically” cheated) with another guy when I was unsure about the chances of my relationship. I found it so devastating; in fact, I’m pretty sure I took it even harder than my boyfriend. I’ve always been sure of myself and what I wanted, and it really shook me that I could betray and endanger it so easily.

      My BF and I have moved past it- in fact, we are stronger than ever even though we’re still unsure as to whether we will ever even be on the same continent at the same time- but I’d be lying if I said I don’t still feel massive guilt and regret over what happened. I always felt that I was a good person and a good girlfriend- this has shown me that it takes work and a lot of self-discipline to always be who you want to be.

      I don’t think cheating once makes you a bad person- we both seem to have made poor choices in a difficult situation. I don’t think a one-time weakness means your “goodness of character” is totally gone. I just think it means we have stuff to work on- in ourselves, and in the way we deal with relationships.

  35. Shamik says:

    I think he has a right to know about this…..do the correct thing & tell him….it will hurt, but it is the right thing to do:-)

  36. Doug says:

    Tell him. If you can fix the marirage go for it. Really though, your marriage ended the second you cheated. Wow, it’s crazy how cheating destroys a person’s world. I say tell him, he deserves to know, leave him cause he deserves better than you, learn and don’t do it again.

  37. Rachel says:

    Cheating destroys friendships, families, and current relationships. Everyones advice would be simply just dont do it. However, if that ship has already sailed the way you deal with it is what counts.
    I cheated on my boyfriend of 5 years for an entire year. I have felt little guilt until recently. I ended the affair but felt a greater closeness to the man I cheated with. I was concerned with his feelings more than those of my own boyfriend. I was paranoid of someone telling him and I had myself convinced that our relationship was getting stronger since now it was only the two of us in the equation. After about 5 months I have finally realized our relationship is not as strong as I had led myself to believe. The overwhelming guilt and all the lies took me to the edge and I could no longer live like that anymore. I broke down and told my boyfriend everything and we have decided to split up and take some time for ourselves. We both want to work on our relationship in the future and get back together. Is this a good idea?

  38. ...hurt but happy.... says:

    I was married with my husband for 4 years, and i was just never sexually satisfied with him, nor did i love him, we both got married for the wrong reasons, because i was with child, in the third year of marriage, i started cheating on him, which was sad because i nevered even felt gulilty, i let go of that guy and found another one ” a man i’ve been looking for all my life” im very happy with him, but still hurt by hurting my husband, i seperated with my husband because guilt took place, and then finally told him, which was sad because he cried for me to take him back and that he still loves me, and that hurt the most, because i know it’ll be easy going back with him, but i just dont want to hurt him agian and i know that i would because i dont love him, now im with the second guy i cheated on my husband with, im in love love love, happy but still the guilt likes to cross my mind, knowing that i dont deserve to be happy with this wonderful guy:-( past is past you just have to move on. No relationship is perfect, i wasnt happy in my marriage, and like i said i never loved him:-( im sorry but not sorry, god im a BITCH!!!

  39. eatnaintcheatn says:

    Sorry but I didnt read all the replies from the last couple of years! But I bet your feeling much better now. Confessing your affair is hard but alot easier than explaining it! Back against the wall you will lie like there is no tomorrow. Remember it’s never IF he will find out it’s WHEN. Until you are ready to devastate your spouse I would keep it on the down low but you risk the chance of him finding out before you have a chance to tell him, You may also think there is no way on earth he would find out. Don’t be so sure about that. Lovers tend to never forget either. Your stud may not be feeling as guilty as you. He prolly relives that moment every chance he gets. Wait for the right opportunity and tell him. He may get mad, he may cry, he may leave you but he will always know you told him he didn’t have to find out!

  40. Not Judgmental says:

    I know this was written over 2 years ago BUT clearly this is still getting read to this day.

    I love my husband very much but our marriage is NOT perfect – what marriage really is? He is a good guy but the majority of our problems stem from lack of value in his part. He has never hit me or called me names but he has made me feel worthless in other ways. We are going to counseling and know we love each other.

    We recently had a party with a whole bunch of people. I am a freindly person by nature but there was this particular guy that we just clicked. He was in town visiting a college friend of his and he, too, is married. We began just talking about his wife and what he does and just innocent chatting. Throughout the evening we ended up talking more and he would be paying extra attention to me.

    We ended up out in our balcony having a cigarette and we just started making out. It was just a force (and a lot of alcohol) that pushed us towards each other. I dont know if he has ever cheated (wouldnt be surprised if he has), it isnt a usual practice for me. He ended up leaving when everyone else did but ended up coming back and we had sex for like 15 seconds because I stopped it.

    I still feel guilty and know that regardless of my problems with my husband, I have never loved someone as much as I love him. Everyone keeps saying if you love your partner you wouldnt cheat. Well, easier said than done. But when I did realize what I was doing – I stopped it immediately. I am not planning on telling my husband but I am planning on not putting myself in that situation again.

    I have already vowed to stop drinking for a bit (until New Years) since I clearly didnt make a good choice while intoxicated. You can judge me all you want and tell me I am wrong (I know I am) but I will admit I am being selfish by not telling him. I will also admit I will NOT risk losing him.

    I guess I would have been more worried if I didn’t feel guilty because then I know I would HAVE to move on and then I would tell him. This only applies to me though…I am not saying that if you dont feel guilty you have to move on. I speak only for myself.

    I love my husband – more than I ever thought I would. And yes, I messed up BAD but he has too. Maybe not in the same category but there are times when I feel I would prefer he cheat than make me feel like I am never good enough. We are working on our issues and hope we can make it. But if for some reason we don’t, I will still never embarrass him by telling him. Go ahead and make your judgments…No one ever knows any other person’s situation to be able to make judgment on it. If you want to give me advice – that I can accept. Good luck!

  41. Matt says:

    The truth will set you free

    Tell him the truth no matter what occurs.

    He is more important than your relationship.

    You are a soul that has been with another soul.

    He deserves to know.

    Always tell the truth.

    You “need” him to know more than you “need” to be with him, even for your own health. If he leaves then your pain will be a resolved pain instead of a guilt pain.

    Guilt pains drive us deeper away from who we really are.

    You gave in to a selfish desire. There are penalties. Live your life by paying for your choices. Healing comes after.

    Healing is more important than suffering. period.

    You are still intrinsically valued. You need to come to the light and lay it all down.

    as cheesy as it may sound- Christ is more to a person in your circumstance than anyone on sunday morning.

  42. Bell says:

    I did the same thong. Was out with a group of friends and one thing led to another with a friend of a friend. At the time I was in a bad place with my husband and we were fighting constantly. I have not said a thing and it’s been a few months. We are getting on now and making a go of things and it’s now that I feel guilty. I also done it because I found pictures on his phone and text messages. I realise that what I done was stupid. For all I know he’s cheated on me and what can I say if I find out he has! Were paying for what we done and must learn from it so don’t tell.

  43. SeaSalt says:

    Amazing how this thread is still getting replies…obviously it’s hit a fair few nerves, and certainly this sounds so familiar to me. I wanted to share my experience because I think it might help some others.

    In my situation, it was a little different.
    I’m in a LDR with my boyfriend of about two years, and almost a year ago, when he had just left the country for the first time, I went to a friend’s wedding, got extremely drunk, and allowed things to go too far with a casual acquaintance. I still can’t really remember everything that happened- but it didn’t “just happen” out of nowhere. It was more a case of me seeing an opportunity and ignoring what taking it would mean later on- something that is easier to do when you’re drunk. At the time, it didn’t even feel really real- it felt like something happening in my head.

    The next morning, of course, I came back down to earth with a bump. Despite my boyfriend and I being in an ostensibly “non-exclusive” phase at the time, I felt so, so terrible. I loved and continue to love my boyfriend heart and head and bone (and in fact this was the main topic of conversation between myself and the guy I cheated with that night), and so to me what I’d done was cheating. I was physically sick for days, couldn’t sleep, and almost went back to a very dark place from my past and was tempted to self-harm. I confessed immediately, the very next morning, because I couldn’t stand to hear my bf’s voice and think about what I’d done. For those who think that all cheaters are just “bullshitting” and pretending remorse, I prey that you will never have to experience how this feels. I knew I hadn’t just betrayed him, but the love I felt for him and even my own real desires.

    For me, remorse is important, but it can only get you so far. You have to try and understand WHY you did what you did, and then figure out what you can do about it. It’s easy to talk the talk, but walking it is harder. I know that I did this because I missed my boyfriend, was afraid that after spending time apart he wouldn’t want me any more, and because I was incredibly intoxicated. I let my insecurity and fear overrule my better judgement. I went to this guy because he was a terrible flirt, and told me all the things I wanted to hear from my bf; that I was beautiful and “perfect.” I actually didn’t even like him particularly as a person- he was just there, and a bolster for my ego.

    My BF was actually wonderful about it; he admitted to being jealous, but puts it down as a mistake made at a very difficult time for us, at a point where neither of us were sure we could even be together. Despite this, I decided I never wanted to put myself in that situation again. I cut off all communication with the guy involved- hardly a wrench- and have stopped drinking unless I’m with my bf or family. That was harder, but because I know I make choices drunk I would never consider sober, I consider it to be the best thing I could do for myself and my relationship.

    We all like think that we are good people, that we can totally trust ourselves, and that we’ll never hurt our loved ones. But even good people can mess up. I think anyone who cheats should take responsibility for their actions- admit the fault, feel the guilt, and most importantly, actually do something about it. I think it may also help the partner to forgive someone who cheats if they can see that they are serious about not allowing it to happen again- you can’t change what has happened in the past, but you can do everything in your power to be a better person in the future.

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