I am a bad son
Posted by Anonymous in Guilt on Dec 7th, 2008 | 18 commentsI am a bad son. I shut myself out from my own feelings most of the time, even at work. I am 21, and I believe I have some form of social anxiety, as I blush many times each day while at work or in front of other people, except my family. I blush at the simplest things, walking in front of people, talking to people, getting asked questions, it bothers me but I do not have the courage to tell even my own family about this.
As far as my parents go, they are very loving towards me, and sometimes I treat them like garbage. I love them dearly, but I haven’t told them that in years. Sometimes I wonder what’s wrong with me. Tonight I got in a fight with my mom because she moved things from my desk that were important to me and I spent a long time looking for them in my room and she can’t remember what she did with them. I yelled her, and hit the wall and made my hand bleed. I cried for the first time in a few months, and sometimes I think that killing myself would be better off for everyone around me, including myself. I don’t think I will ever do it though. I do enjoy life, but I am antisocial, have only a few close friends, and I shut out my own family lots of the time. I do really love them and care about them, but it’s hard for me to show it.
A few days ago in an argument with my mom I acted incredibly stupid by pushing her lightly back, and I have never regretting doing something more in my life than that. She started crying, and I did too once I went to my room and closed my door. She told me tonight that that broke her heart, and asked if i was ashamed of doing it, and because i was frustrated with arguing with her tonight, i said no. But I really *am* ashamed of doing it. It tears me apart inside. I love her with all my heart, I just wish I was able to show it. She has a good relationship with my sister, they are always talking about her (sister) boyfriend problems, friends, parties, everything. But I tend to keep things inside me and don’t let my parents in on anything that might be going on. I’m more private. I think that she probably likes my sister (who is 18) more than me, and I don’t blame her if she does. I love her very much either way. I wish I could show it somehow. This is why I believe I am a very bad son.
18 Responses to “ “I am a bad son”
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I don’t think you are a bad son. You seem to be frustrated with life..like we all are. At one time or another we all do something that we regret, either a little thing, or a huge thing.
I’ve done alot of things I regret..and I have thought about and tried to commit suicide. I’ve found that it was because I’m really angry..and I won’t let it out. I want to appear nice and that I have it together..but that’s not always possible.
Maybe if you are angry, what are you angry about?
Its never too late to make a difference. Make the choice to say you love them. A single word can change a world to someone you love.
I hope you will find it within you to feel better about yourself soon. It will pass, I promise. Just dig deep and find the courage to apologize to your mom and really make an effort to please her, to show her that you’ll never be the same. Show her you are trying to change. I was mean to my mom for a period of time, without knowing the reason why. Maybe it’s because we take the people who love us for granted.. that’s why we do the things we do, but in time, I’m sure we will all come to our senses and make our wrongs, right. All the best, xoxo
PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T think you are a bad son!!You sound a lot like my 17 year old son, sometimes he shuts himself out too and I really wish he would open up more but I respect him and know when he is ready, he will. I am sure you will too! Know that your mother LOVES YOU!! I have a daughter too and I love my kids both equally. PLEASE don’t feel guilty anymore.
A mom in Calfornia :)
It seems to me that you need a good old fashion ass whupping, which obviously you didn’t get when you was a small boy.
You are lucky your mama isn’t my lady cause that ass whupping would have happened the moment you touched her.
You’re not a bad son. You’re just a narcissistic ******* who has no life cause everything is about you.
And the sad part is all the therapy in the world will do no good. You are destined to have 3 or 4 bad marriages and if your lucky you will die in an old folks home surrounded by the nursing staff making bets as to when you stop breathing.
I suggest you move out which will give your mom peace and maybe move into a fleabag hotel with those people (the whores, pimps, drunks, and homosexuals) you can relate to on a more real basis.
Make us all happy
I don’t think you’re a bad son, I just don’t understand why you feel you are a bad son when you just haven’t had the same connection you’ve had with them when you were younger and more dependant on them. That doesn’t give you any right to push her, not by far. What you need is just some time away. Take a vacation, or get your own appartment. Just relax for a while, life should start looking better afterwards. (And you don’t need an ‘ass whooping’ not everything’s solved with violence.)
Tony has some issues of his own that he needs to deal with. Don’t listen to him. You’ll be okay. You might feel better if you apologize to your mom and tell her you love her.
Also, if you don’t exercise, you might want to start. It helps with depression and anxiety.
PS I blush a lot too.
I can see where you’re coming from as I am the same. I can’t really offer any consolable words or advice, but know that you are not alone.
well not in a mean way but i would go into thearpy
=]
You are not a bad person, I have a 20 year old son that went through the same thing. There is help out there for this. He did take meds. for this (after explaining his feelings to the doctor). After he took the meds he could not beleive the difference and said “I don’t know why I waited so long to do this. He is not currently taking anything, but just taking it several months allowed him to socialize and now he is so much more comfortable. Good Luck!!
i used to blush all the time. it was because i cared SO much what other people thought about me and you know what? i came to realize i was very selfish and self centered. I thought i was so important that people really paid so much attention to what i said, how i acted, what i was doing, etc. Truth is, everyone is too busy worrying about themselves to give you much thought! Nobody is giving a 2nd thought to what you do or say, only you are!! And i’m totally not being mean i’m just being truthful.. it’s actually quite freeing to realize nobody really cares what we’re doing and saying!
As for your mom, tell her you love her! It’s ok for her to know you have feelings, fears, etc. I know it’s scary, but the more you make yourself reach out despite your fear, the more comfortable it will become. Give yourself a chance to enjoy life!
I see what you’re saying … The same thing just happend to me. I was about to go to a friends and my Dad was mad because I did really know how to get there and he was driving me. He has dietbietes and hadn’t eaten at all so he was kinda upset and I just made it worse… I said that he was a horrible father and I wished I was dead so I’d never see him again… But, I really really love my Dad and I wish I could take it all back…
I work as a senior systems engineer in a multinational company in India and I am just 22. I always used to feel over burdened by work and used to find little or no time to spend with my family. I ignored my father’s health in the process. My father was a heart patient. My sister who is semi-educated and my mom who knows nothing about the contemporary world used to look after my father’s health. I always used regret that I am unable to take care of my dad, but I used to satisfy myself by saying to myself – “Mom and sis are monitoring my dad’s health, so no alarms”. I never thought even in my wildest of dreams, nor I have seen it coming, I LOST MY FATHER IN A BLINK OF AN EYE. He suffered a severe cardiac arrest. I was there with him at that moment, but he hardly lasted 5 minutes because of the severity of the stroke. It is easily the most devastating moment of my life. I could have made a lot of difference by being vigilant about my dad’s health status but I wasn’t. I CAN NEVER BE A GOOD SON EVEN IF I WANT TO BE, because now it is out of my hands. But you can clear all your problems by just talking to your mom for few minutes and let her know that you care………. Feel lucky that you still have a chance……I dare say, do it before it’s too late.
Hi friend i think ur not a bad son.this is the mistake of god that he always give pain to every mom. i think god is bad instead of you i hate god now
like one guy has said i think your parents didnt whip your ass when you were younger.
they are still entertaining your bs at your age.
so they failed. you are paying them back in kind.
there is no god. all religion is superstition.
Reading your story makes me so glad i never had any kids. you are a disgrace to your family.
I have had the exact same problem. I visited a psychiatric because of this. Coz i dont want to repeat what i have gone through. There is an exercise called Kundalini. It realy realy helps alot. Check it out on the net.