Horribly Ashamed and engulfed by despair
Posted by Anonymous in Guilt on Jun 12th, 2010 | 5 commentsWhen i was 10 or 11, i cant remember now, i convinced my brother to do things to me sexually. i was home schooled at the time and was just entering puberty. my brother was 6 or 7. this continued till i was 12 when my parents found out. i never knew that what i was doing was wrong. my brother always loved me and did anything for me. i abused this love. i cant b more sorry. i remember at that age that i had wished that older girls i knew were my sister so sexual things could happen between us. i dont think a day goes by that i am not tormented by the fact that this happened. i constantly think of suicide. i wear a mask and appear content with my life as it is, and it is fine. when i realised my mistake i swore to never do something like this again, and never will. my brother now a days and i are good friends, but i cant help but think that i should b damned for my actions and suffer accordingly. when my parents found out they were ashamed but understood that i didnt know it was wrong. they excercised unconditional love and said that if it happened again i would b out. like i said it didnt. i suppose i should b proud i understood my mistake and took action towards never making a similar mistake. i have never confessed this until now. what i did haunts me to this day. i have a hard time approaching girls because i feel undeserving. even tho this happened years ago. sometimes i just want to kill myself before my hate for myself explodes. i dont know what to do. i dont know what to feel. all i know is that i am trying to move forward and do things with my life. sometimes i smoke a lot of weed to cope and get addicted for short periods of time. i feel like al pacino in godfather 3 when he confesses to killing fredo every time i see my brothers face. he is an amazing kid. he seemingly doesnt let it get to him and he is very social and enjoys life more than 95% of people ive ever met. i just hope he isnt scarred by this. his happiness for life and his dedication to the things he does is part of the reason i havent offed myself. my parents have never mentioned this since i was caught. i am honestly too afaid to talk to them about it. I am doing the best i can. i never wanted anything like this to happen to me or anyone. i was an extremely happy and outgoing child until this. i think it was because i was sexually growing without anyone my own age i took it out on him. i have recently had 2 very happy relationships with two girls who dont know what i am telling u. i am shocked that they find good in me. but they also do not know. i am not writing this for sympathy. just for others out there like me that wish to stop hating themselves like i do. i am writing this simply for it to b writen.
5 Responses to “ “Horribly Ashamed and engulfed by despair”
Leave a Reply
Subscribe
i admire your honesty. there’s alot i can say on the subject. i’m am incest survivor, a middle aged female, i repressed my memories of incest until a few years ago.
first thing that occurs to me, reading your post: the difference in age between you and your brother is not wide enough for it to be considered sexual abuse, it sounds like there is about 3.5 years between you. in order for it to be it must be 6 years or greater, otherwise it’s considered sexual experimentation between children, so maybe that will help you feel a little but better.
secondly, it sounds like the atmosphere in your house is largely positive, real incest breeds in a house of secrecy and that’s why it does real damage’ in your case, your parents found out and it sounds like they were supportive to your brother. i’ll give you an example: when i was 4, my brother (then 14) was fooling around with me in the bathroom. my dad caught us and my dad beat me for it. so, hopefully you can see the difference.
i do however; recommend therapy for your family, just to be sure. your brother may seem okay but a therapist will know better. the last thing you want is for your brother to “seem” fine on the outside but have issues inside and end up hurting himself someday. which is a real common problem in people who have these kind of issues.
again, i applaud your honesty, the family member who molested me would NEVER admit it, in any forum. feel free to ask any more questions, if you want and i can try to answer them.
I totally agree with you anon
I actually don’t recommend family therapy. when people are able to let go as you brother has that is a good thing, and I think you admire that in him. I would recommend private therapy just for you. Just someone to talk to, not a shrink or someone who will give you pills, that is just dumb and will only make you numb and retard your growth as a person. Just find a good talk therapist or perhaps try to find an online group of survivors of these situations. when I was a kid a sexually experimented with several girls my age, and to this day it still makes me wonder if I am a lesbian. I used to feel guilty about it, and several of the 3 or 4 girls I did things with did turn out to be lesbians which also makes me feel weird. However, I don’t fell guilty anymore we were just kids. Practice allowing yourself to forgive and forget it will not be easy because you have a repetitive thought pattern in your head, but allow it to fade and it will eventually stop hurting, hang in there, and in the mean time focus on positive activities like sports, even if it just running and lifting weights, these things will distract you and get your nervous energy out.
it will be okay love..
10 is young… you said you had no idea it was wrong.
there is nothing you can do to change the past. However, you have to teach young children about sexuality and why something like this is wrong.
Stop the cycle and be a good person. That is really all u can do.