guilty
Posted by anon in Guilt on Mar 16th, 2011 | 14 commentsa friend, my husband and I where drinking and got drunk. While my husband passed out I flirted with my friend. Even though it was just harmless flirting I love my husband and I feel guilty. I don’t know if to tell him or not. It might just cause more problems and it was just flirting.
14 Responses to “ “guilty”
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What exactly did you do and say?
It depends on what happened exactly. Just harmless talk? I don’t think it’s absolutely necessary. But anything else you should probably tell him before/in case someone else does, and to alleviate your own guilt.
Nothing really. just had an intimate conversation about ex’s and life. I was crying at one point so he gave me a hug and a kiss on the head. That’s about it. maybe the hug lasted a little longer than it should have but nothing else.
i’m a naturally flirty person so while talking a lot of laughing and giggling, thats before the crying.
It sounds like it wasn’t crossing a line. People in happy committed relationships harmlessly flirt all the time. Sometimes you need a little outside validation, no big deal.
While its was harmless, I wouldn’t tell your husband if it truly was just innocent flirting. I think telling him something so trivial will make it seem as though there was more going on than light flirting and a hug/platonic kiss on the head. I mean, that’s all it was, right?
Yeah, we just got married 5 months ago so It just feels kinda wrong to me. I grew up in a very christian family and was thought that things like that were not acceptable. I guess I’ll just count my blessings that it was just flirting and never drink again!
well i hope you have learnt your lesson
Guilty… Hate to say it, but you’re cheating on him. Cheating is defined by 1. An emotional closeness that is stronger with another person than it is with your spouse, for any length of time. While you were talking to that guy / crying on his shoulder, you were having ‘emotional closeness’ with him that you should have had with your husband. 2. Sexual tension. You were flirting with him, and I’m guessing him with you, and a hug that lasted too long, so there was definitely sexual tension. 3. Secrecy. The fact that you haven’t told your husband yet is clearly secrecy.
It takes all 3 to constitute the very definition of cheating, but you’ve clearly checked off all 3. Tell your husband now – the longer you wait, the harder it will be for him to hear. You feeling guilty is a good thing – it shows that you care about him, and while he’ll be mad, he’ll also know that he can trust you. Mostly because you couldn’t live with the secret. But the longer you hold on to that secret… the less likely he is to ever see you as honest in the same way again. And there’s a high probability that you’ll cheat on him in the future, with this guy or some other guy.
Slappy, I am sorry but you sound pretty tightly wound and anal. Flirtatous banter is not about 1) Emotional closeless – there is nothing intimate about a little flirtatous back and forth. Flirting 2)does not preclude sexual tension (much less lead to sexual activity) – often for people in happy, healthy, committed relationships flirting is more about getting a little ego stroking. Besides, what’s wrong with a little sexual tension if it goes nowhere? Just because you commit and stay faithful to one person does not mean everyone else in the world magically becomes unattractive to you. Being committed is not about never feeling lust for others, its about NOT ACTING on those feelings. Finally, flirting is not 3) Secretive – light flirting is inconsequential and is hardly worth mentioning much less being a secret.
Sometimes people can cheat emotionally with no physical sexual activity, its true, but emotional infidelity is not the same as flirting. If you can hardly handle the thought of talking to someone of the opposite sex without immediately assumming cheating, you need to lighten up. If you call infidelity every time your partner harmlessly flirts, you’re going to eventually ruin a perfectly healthy relationship. And if you feel guilty everytime you harmlessly flirt, you’re going to give yourself an ulcer.
Anonymous, you’re being defensive. Flirting is fine. Like I said, cheating is defined by 1. an emotional closeness, 2. sexual tension, 3. secrecy.
Look carefully at what happened below – she talked to her husband about it. There goes secrecy, and now she knows she can talk to him when she feels odd or guilty about anything she’s done. It brought them closer and her husband trusts her more now. That’s the right thing to do every time, and will prevent things from going any further with that friend (or any other guy). She shared everything with her spouse, and that will prevent infidelity every time.
As for being tightly wound and anal? Regarding this? You betcha. Because my wife didn’t tell me about her ‘harmless flirting’. She felt just like Guilty felt – guilty… but like nothing had really happened, it was just flirting, and wasn’t sure if she should say anything. So she talked to that guy just like Guilty talked to her friend. Except in my case… the guy said that it WAS like that, and he liked her very much. So she felt even guiltier for it, and determined not to let me find out… but she also still liked the guy, and of course it stroked her ego knowing another guy liked her ‘like that’, so she kept flirting with him – just toying with him at first is what she said she thought it was. So she kept it a secret from me. And her secret, that she felt she couldn’t tell me about when it was harmless ego stroking, became something that was far from harmless.
My wife could have prevented the whole thing from ever starting simply by doing what Guilty did – talking to me about it before it became something more than ‘just flirting’. Because it’s not ‘just flirting’ or ‘harmless’ if you have to hide it from your spouse.
Oh yeah… “how do I tell him?”
Exactly the way you did to us. In fact, you should just show him this post. It’s direct, expresses your guilt and confusion about what happened, and your love for your husband.
Honesty takes practice. You better start now.
you only got married 5 months ago and your flirting. Imagine how you will be in a year. You need to contrl your drinking and stop with the flirting. Your poor husband, I feel for him.
You shouldn’t feel guilty about that. Innocent flirting is normal, your husband probably does it too. Now, if you were making out nonstop..that’s different.
You need to make some changes in your life-these half measures are only leaving you feeling conflicted. Ramp up the drinking and get it on, I say.
well the friend has been a friend for LONG time longer than I have even known my husband so I felt comfortable talking to him I always do and so does my husband. I actually talked to my friend about it and he said that it wasn’t that at all. He knew I was upset so he gave me a big hug and felt sorry I was upset. As for the flirting I guess I was just laughing while talking to him more than usual because we where talking about ex’s and how stupid my ex was.
I wrote that because I wasn’t sure what had happened but after talking to my friend I know that absolutely nothing happened.
I told my husband and he thought it was funny that I was upset over something so innocent. He also talked to my friend and he explained the whole thing.
I don’t drink that was the first time in years! so i can’t handle my alcohol but now I know not to drink like that again.
I guess with all the drinking I just misinterpreted things. I know better next time.