You never noticed…

You never will. I’ll be moving out next year and we’ll carry on this charade.

You never cared to look for the signs, just pass over them and talk about yourself or my sibling. I just wish for once you would notice and talk to me. Help me.

My best friend was raped when she was 14. She swore me to secrecy so when you all spoke shit about her because she was going off the rails slightly, I couldn’t stop you.

You talk about me having all these “friends”. When I was little I was bullied physically. You even pulled me out of school to one near by because it got so bad. This new place was apparently brilliant to you. Yes… brilliant. A few times I ran home and hid under the windowsill in our house because these lads were chasing after me! I was terrified. I was only a little girl! These boys were 3 years older!

My so called friends hated me. My supposed best friend told me to shut up all the time. Would never let me talk. She made me feel so stupid. They’d all look down at me and make fun of me. They never wanted me around and I would always catch them making fun of me. They played mindgames with me and I just wanted to curl up in a corner and cry. I’d always be forgotten to be invited to something or I just wasn’t wanted.
Was I not worth friendship?

My dance group were horrible. I went because I loved to dance but my partners would leave or switch me. Then my longest partner spoke to me like I was an idiot but excuse me, you were the one who messed up. You ruined it. Not me. Don’t ever blame me. I went to a sleep over with some “friends” and they made fun of me because of the school I went to and made me feel like shit.

Entering secondary was worse. I was passed from friendship group to friendship group because no one wanted me. My “best friend” treated me like shit and then just left me. It happened again after that. I was just feeling down and she ignored me. Completely. Now it’s been a year and we haven’t spoken and she’s changed completely.
I got people making fake promises to me and faking concern. You haven’t heard from me in half a year, don’t you think something could be wrong? Obviously not. Am I really that easy to forget?
My uncle died and I couldn’t even go t his funeral! I don’t see any of my family anymore! I don’t have the weekends at the grandparents. I don’t see cousins. Nothing. I’ve seen them about…15 times in my lifetime. That is not a lot.

I’m so messed up at the moment yet you still don’t bloody notice! The scars are there but you don’t see them do you? I’ve had breakdowns and smashed things to pieces. I worry and get scared so much I make myself ill. I hardly sleep and when I finally do you yell at me for being lazy. You get pissy with me when dad and I apparently “gang up” on you with jokes. I’m scared about the future. My work isn’t good enough and I doubt it’ll ever be. I can’t get it right and I feel like just giving it up.

We’re so alike yet you won’t aknowledge this. Or maybe you do but don’t want to believe it. Maybe I’ll finish what I started when I was 13.

There is so much more I need to write but I don’t think I’m making sense and my heart is starting to go funny.