Secret Confessions

(all names and places changed for secret reasons)

Jane,

I thought I had your picture. I knew I had your picture. Maybe I never did. Your friend took the picture of you holding the rose and it was black and white. We developed it in the photo lab at the high school, one of the many times Joe wasn’t there. I remember you looked like Yoko Ono in the picture but in a good way. I don’t think I ever told you it out loud. You were so pretty, you hair was so long and dark, it shocked me when you told me that you dyed it that color. Thinking back on it I never really knew you that much. I remember you telling me the story about how your dad threw you down the stairs and you were living with your grandparents. I often wondered why your sister still lived with them. It often made me wonder if you were telling the truth. I feel bad I never really believed you. I don’t remember how we met now; maybe it was in photo class. I assume now it was. We use to hang out there. You were introduced to my boyfriend at the time and we all became friends. Do you remember when we went to the pool hall together with Lor and Rand? We got really mad at Lor and made him walk home? You use to wait for me outside of the painting class I went to in the evenings. You would wait across the street and then make fun of me commenting how messy I was. You always said you liked my art, I think I even gave you a painting. I had this fascination with you, you were the first and only girl that I fell in love with. I know things went to far with us. I know what we did was wrong. I’m not a lesbian, I’m not even bi sexual, but you were so beautiful and we were young and experimenting. Rand knew about us and gave us his blessing to take it as far as we did. Maybe that was my first mistake and that’s what opened everything up like it did. I remember drinking that night and staying up all night with you. We went to Edwards crossing the next day with Rand, I fell asleep in the backseat I was so tired. I still remember your smell, I don’t know if it was shampoo or just you. We talked one day and we talked about how woman could be so awful and you didn’t understand how a woman could sleep with their friend’s boyfriend. I’ve often wondered if that was your cover up because you were sleeping with my boyfriend. I remember your parents were out of town for the weekend so we went up to stay at their house, it was a great day we went out of your parents quads, we watched movies and we all fell asleep in your king size bed. I woke up in the middle of the night and Rand was holding you. It was a clue that I turned a blind eye to. I mean why should I believe my boyfriend of three years and my close friend would be doing anything behind my back. I don’t know who I was angrier with you or him at the point I walked in on you and him naked in bed together. You were crying, you told me you didn’t know how this could happen. And I don’t remember what happened next. I remember taking you home the next morning and we talked about it all. I was so hurt that you could have done something like that to me. The memories are so blurred now. I forgave you for some reason, and Rand too. I was walking with Lor one day at the quarry, we went off the path and ended up getting soaked because it started to rain and we had walked through the creek. It was then I came to the realization that I needed to end my relationship with Rand. We drove home to tell him to move out and you were parked in the driveway picking up his things, he was moving out already. I was once again hurt that though you said that you were my friend over his you were there moving his things out of our house. I asked you numerous times if you and Rand had started a relationship, and every time you told me no. Our mutual friend let the information slip to me during that Christmas. She told me that you and Rand were in love and very happy. I didn’t care that you two were together it was just that you had lied to me and so had he. He moved in with out I believe that winter. I don’t think your grandparents knew you were sneaking him in after dark. You all started doing crank. I remember meeting up with you and Rand in Perkos in the middle of the night one night and going back to your car and freebasing in the back of the car. I didn’t see you again for over a year. You had become so skinny, you looked pale, I was worried. It was over a year later that Rand came back into my life; he said he was sorry for what happened. He told me about the pregnancy, the abortion, and the drug abuse, everything else. I accepted him back in my life. I know now that was stupid. You came back into my life at that point. I remember taking the drive with you and your friend, Cindy. We talked about all the things that had happened. Cindy chimed in saying that I needed to let you and Rand have you counseling sessions and help you two get over the bad things that had happened. You apologized, we cried, and I think at that point you were actually being sincere with me. But then I found out that Rand was still seeing you behind my back. During this same time he confessed that he had been taking my old car to have sex with you in the back. I felt so used again. I never knew how bad it could hurt to have someone so close to me at one time break the bond of trust I use to think we had. I ended the relationship again with Rand. And I never saw or heard from you again.

Last April you killed yourself. I hadn’t talked to you in four years. It hurt every cell in my body. You were gone. I loved you so much and we never talked again. Your gone now, it’s been over a year and the hurt is still there. I google your name every so often hoping, praying that someone in your family would make a website dedicated to you, maybe some sort of article, a memory board anything to answer my questions. How can it hurt so bad that you killed yourself after so many years of not talking to you? You hung yourself. I’ve hear rumors that you were still fighting drugs, that maybe the hanging wasn’t your own choice that maybe someone was there. What happened to you? Was it really that bad? You were so smart, so beautiful and now your gone. I don’t know how to cope with this. Maybe some part of me wanted, hoped that we would run into each other and I could tell you that it was okay. I wanted to tell you for the past four years that I forgave you, and I guess I wanted to hear from you that you forgave me. I loved you, I still do. I know where you are buried but I can’t get the courage up to make the trip to see you. I don’t know what I would do if I did. As for right now I write this letter, hoping that wherever you are you can read it. I don’t know what comes next. I don’t know if you made it to Heaven. I don’t know if you’re here right now reading this. I still hurt, I hurt more now that your gone and I will never get to tell you that it’s okay, everything is okay. We were stupid, we made dumb decisions. As for me, I will always remember the way you smelled.