Secret Confessions

I met her when I was just transferred to my new primary school. In the beginning I used to tease her till she hated me. But after half a year, we grew close. Wrote letters to each other, talked to each other every day. She lived near me. Her birthday was in the same month as mine. We all had our flaws, but one thing I could never get over was her selfishness.

Could never imagine a person to be so selfish after all these years of friendship. Perhaps was the closeness that made the person more direct to you. Saying ‘no’ whenever she did not feel like it, disregarding of your feelings. Always only doing as she pleased and rarely sparing a thought for your feelings. Making you feel like the friendship was one-way most of the time, like how you would feel in a one-sided relationship. I felt, sad. Constantly thinking of what I had to do to make her give a little back to me instead of just selfishly receiving from me.

In secondary school, she back stabbed me and she hurt me so bad. Until now, I cannot forget about the whole incident. I feel hatred and at the same time, always having to do nice things for her to cover up my real feelings towards her, which is hate. It is very tiring to have to keep pretending. But who will care anyway?

From what she tells me, about her boyfriend and her, doesn’t make me see her from another light. She gives him an option to come over or not, if he wants to see her. She doesn’t think much about rejecting his invitation to have dinner with his parents. Yeah, it’s not my business, but seeing my friend behaving this way, irks me, and I cannot reason why.

I think I am slowly drifting away from my best friend, and beginning to hate her. I cannot control my real emotions anymore and I’m afraid this friendship will end.

However, I always feel like I’m the only one trying to maintain it. She keeps me waiting whenever we meet regardless of knowing what ticks me off. She gives lame excuses when she wants to reject you. She has a bad attitude. Perhaps she feels that way about me too. I don’t know, and I don’t want to know stuff about her anymore.

We are so vastly different it’s shocking how we can even label ourselves as best friends in the first place. Maybe it was just a status, there was never anything real to begin with. I hate myself so much sometimes for trying to hold something together. Something that wasn’t meant to be…

I feel so hurt by her. Her words, her actions, or her no-actions.. I don’t know. I wonder time and time again whether our friendship meant anything at her to her. Perhaps it did but she doesn’t know how to show it. I wonder if she’ll ever read this someday and hate me for speaking ‘ill’ of her but in fact, this is all that I feel.