Stranded by myself…

When I look at my own life, I feel like the greatest weirdo in the world, the whole time, stretching back to my childhood, I realised I never fit in with the rest, and is constantly held back by my foolish fears.

I am anti-social, social phobic,and has the bad habit of trying to predict what bad stuff could happen to me when I am perfectly fine. I am excessively paranoid and pessismistic.

I have always tried my best to look at things positively, living on a tight rein of breaking down, until the year I entered college, I decided to give up trying, and I became worse.

I keep sinking into my depressed state, my grades falling to the bottom of the cohort. I feared about not graduating and yet I could not stop myself fromsinking.

I have failed miserably in the final exams. I repeated my final year in college and seeked help from the school counsellor but it was useless to my condition. I am always in constant fears which are largely unknown to me,these fears did not make sense at all, I am either always depressed or in a confused state of happiness and sadness, and the result was I only managed to pass the exam in my second try. I graduated with poor results.

Sometimes, I felt that my presence pollutes the community I live in, I felt like a complete disgrace to my parents.
Everyone has been quite tolerant of my moodswings, my circumstances weren’t bad either and yet I was the only one stranded, not moving on.

I am supposed to be working while I am waiting for university admissions results. It worries me excessively because my results weren’t good. Even as I try finding a job, I worry excessively about failing to do my job well.

I am wasting my life in constant fears which I could not shake off.I could not move on with my life. My life was solely spent dreaming, watching dramas and writing stories, this is my way of escaping from everything, practically doing nothing productive.

I am truly a pathetic coward.