Never been better.
Posted by Anonymous in Fear on Jan 4th, 2010 | 8 commentsI’m a 17 year old girl. I have a beautiful home, wonderful, supporting and understanding parents. Grate, loving, and caring friends. I’m doing well at school, I’m popular, active. I have my goals set for the future.
I may not be a beauty-queen, but I’m pretty enough. I’m in normal weight, I get enough attention from the boys, and usually get whatever I set my mind to.
Can’t say I’m very talented, but I do okay. I draw/paint, sing, write poems, stories, and get credit for that.
I have no problems what so ever. I should be the happiest thing.
..but I feel like I’m dead inside. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I feel guilty for not being thankful for what I’ve got.
I try to be healthy and keep my thinking healthy. I support others, when they’re feeling low, or suicidal. I hate when people talk about death or concider suicide. I do the best I can to help people who are depressed..
But in the inside, I feel the same way.I have been feeling thisway for allmost 6 years now. For no reason at all. I just hate feeling. I’m so tired of that. I don’t want to talk to people, do anything. I would just like to stop breathing.
I have gone to the pshyciatrist, and she wrote me some pills. They don’t seem to be working. I don’t want them to work. I don’t want help.
..Or maybe I do. I don’t understand. More often I go to bed, I stay awake til 7 a.m. and then get up, and live my life. But every night I stay awake I hate living. I hate breathing, blinking, feeling happy, cold, warm, loved, hungry, full… I just hate everything. Everything that I do, even the common needs or reflexes.. I just wish I could stop them all.
Every day I scare myself, when I catch myself wishing for death. I wouldn’t want to hurt any of the wonderful people around me.. But I fear I might just break one day. And I hate myself for being so selfish, and such a typical teen.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want someone to understand. I wamt this feeling to go away, or kill me.
I would just like to freeze for a very-very-very long time.
I just needed to get that from my chest, thank you for reading, try not to judge me; I do it enough myself.
8 Responses to “ “Never been better.”
Leave a Reply
Subscribe
You’re really, really smart, do you know that? You see what your problem is, and you recognize that it IS a problem. You already are well on your way to feeling better. Can I please suggest that you print out what you’ve written here, and bring it to your school counselor, or your parents, whoever you trust. PLEASE bring it to them and let them read it. You’ve communicated perfectly what’s going on with you, the next step is to let someone help you with it. Be at peace. I don’t know you, but I LOVE YOU. ok?
Don’t feel ashamed of how you feel, it’s how you feel. To be honest I am 27 married with 3 kids and I have felt npretty much the way you have most of my life. Been to psychiatristtaken medication that only made things worse. Its scary and saddening that many of us have so much love and support around us yet feel empty and alone in side. Trust me you need to find and outlet to relase you negative thoughts, Try writing like you have. ending things will not relase you it will only darken you more,for the guilt you have for those you cared about most, by leaving them with grief and sadness. Like ones have said before, you need to tell someone, even if you write it down, they need to know, even if it seems so beyond them. Remember there is a light before you, that can shead light on your darkened heart and is there to listen, God is there, he had been for me and life for me has been very dark. Life will and can get better for you. Coping with your feelings and recognizing them is the first step. ALWAYS HERE,
I have felt that way, so many times. But the thing is, my life isn’t perfect, and I’m not an average teen. I’m 18, have disorders, but occasionally my life is good, but then inside, i feel fake, and just unsatisfied when I should be. I want help, but then I don’t. I don’t want to be fixed just for the hell of it, to make other people happy… I want to be fixed because someome cares about me, but wil still accept me if I can’t change. But most of the time for now, I feel empty inside, hollow.
I care about you, b/c inside, we’re the same. And… well, idk. I think we both need to find something or someone that makes us feel whole and happy. Escape. I think you really need to get away from it all. and see life from a different perspective. We both need change in our surroundings and maybe we can be happy withourselves.
thats all.
Understand this, you are definitely not alone in what you are feeling. I’m 31 years old and I’ve felt like you are feeling off and on since I was about 19. I feel a lot of these same feelings (hating everything, feeling indifferent, not caring about what is going on around me, apathy). When my family tries to talk to me about things I even say to them “I don’t care!”…I just don’t have the energy to care about it and I don’t have the energy to speak, nothing really matters. Right now in my life I just have things going on that I wish I could change and be strong enough to get control over, but I’m not. But this is about you….
I can tell you what helped me dig myself out when I was your age (and this took A LOT for me to do and it was very hard for me). I went away to nursing school about 8hrs away from home to a city that I knew nobody. It made me focus on something other than my own thoughts. Once I got completely absorbed in school and the new friends I was making, I felt a lot better about myself. I felt a sense of accomplishment, especially because I was making it on my own so far away from my parents. You mentioned you were given pills, I don’t know what you were given but sometimes that can make it worse. Medicine is trial and error; what works for one person may not work for you and it is important to tell the doctor that gave it to you that it is not working. I don’t know enough about you, your situation, feelings and medical history to say you are clinically depressed, but it sounds like you have a depressed mood and apathy at least. Like you said, sometimes these feelings are typical for a teen but if you have been feeling like this for 6 years, that is not normal. The good news – you can feel better! Try to focus your thoughts on something positive, something you enjoy doing (which might be hard sometimes because you have little desire) – but FORCE yourself to do it. Please realize, you are 17 and have A LOT of living ahead of you. This is a struggle now, and it may seem hopeless and some days you may feel like you don’t want to get better. You say you have a great family and friends, I’m sure they would be supportive of you if they knew the struggle you were dealing with inside. I KNOW IT IS HARD! Believe me, you are definitely not alone in this. Even strangers know what you are going through!
Come back and talk with us anytime :)
You seem to really care about people. Not everyone does, and that’s something to be proud of. I don’t have any idea if this would be helpful or not, but I think travel would be helpful for you. Not luxury travel, or vacation, but traveling to places where there is poverty and hunger. Where you can tangibly see the difference you make by touching someone another life. It seems like there is a flickering fire inside you that needs some kindling. Your acts in the world can’t be done by anyone else, and you matter.
it is obvious that you are very depressed.
There are a number of ways to deal with this. therapy, fulfillment and participation in activities that make you feel good about yourself are the most effective.
Pills can be if your depression is caused by a physical condition. (yes there are such things ie: chamical imbalances).
I had the same problem as a teen and grew out of it to a point as an adult.
Yes, the hormones we are filled with as teens can be very devastating.
I do still suffer at times but I can honestly say that I am happy for the most part.
keep you head up, keep seeking help and please, hang in there.
Don’t go it alone.
and don’t give up.
this seems like it is your whole life right now but, if you get the help you need, you WILL have a very happy, healthy, fulfilling life and you will see these years as a part of that.
It may seem inpossible now but I know from experience that it isn’t a life ending situation.
I get this same feeling all the time too. Idk; just going to a nearby church and sitting there makes me feel better. The peace, and almost like getting away from everyone and everything for a little moment. It’s relaxing … If it worked for me, maybe it could for you.
Just know that you’re not alone in this. I feel how you do too!
I too am deppressed have been for 5 years now, your not alone in this. People see depressed teens like us and just write it off like its nothing important and we should just take some pills and forget the pain (not saying pills dont work for some cases).
If the ones that are trying to help cant seem to grasp that theres actually something wrong and its not just chemicals that all i can suggest is to look for yourself for strength.
Somethings i found worked are telling yourself positive things everyday, it sounds silly to tell yourself outloud that you are strong and you deserve love and care but after a week or so you start to beleive it. You smile just at the words your saying eventually because you believe its true.
Secondly keeping a dairy helps, as long as it not all venom. If you try to get all the bad stuff out early than concentrate only on the good for the second half of the entry it makes everything seem a little more balanced.
Lastly try to find someone who understands, even if there depressed to. If you care for one another it makes both parties feel amazing because not only are you helping someone in need but in return you know for sure someone cares deeply for you.
Religion could also work if thats what floats your boat.
All in all know people care for you, I wish you no pain and nothing but the best of luck in your future.