My Sleepless Nights

Posted by in Fear on May 19th, 2010 | 4 comments

I finally figured out why all my nights are sleepless nights. The thoughts are horrible. I hate being left alone with them. The only escape I have is useless distractions throughout the day till I pass out from exhaustion. When I’m alone is when it’s the worst. My chest hurts from the anxiety. I feel like everyone knows whats under the surface but no one wants to look. I see the world through two different sets of eyes. I tried to think of one “good” time in my life, my own personal though and feeling of good, I thought of one but it was immediately tainted by thoughts. No one really knows me, just the actor that they think is me. I don’t want to feel this way. I need someone to love me, truly love me. My parents try but I’m adopted and I see the fissures in the lie. I don’t think my sister has the time to love me like she could. I’m not going to kill myself, I care about them to much to cause them pain, but I can’t escape the constant thoughts of it. When I put my mask on I know the happiness is temporary no matter how hard I try to immortalize it. I wish I could forget, forget my life, but that is cheap, cheap to my creator, cheap to those struggling to live and survive. I wish I can be alone forever, but I never want to be alone. This is me, my true self.

4 Responses to “ “My Sleepless Nights”

  1. Kn013dg3 says:
    May 20, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Your only option is to be honest. **** everyone, stop hiding. Your true self is much more powerful than you can imagine. Find it and let it free. Release the secrets that cage your happiness.

    Reply
  2. Red says:
    May 21, 2010 at 3:03 pm

    Your Not Alone…

    But life goes on and we must all TRY Mask or no mask…we all have our ups and downs…some up and some down more than others..

    Make life count ^_^ if it’s not what you want….YOU have to change it…do things differently even if only slightly.

    nothing wrong with wanting to be alone an nothing wrong with not wanting to be alone…i completely understand that one. find time for YOU. and if and when you want the company of someone have at it ^_^

    i don’t know if i ‘m making any sense…but I wanted to tell you i get ya…i’ve felt that way before and do still.

    Reply
  3. Liz says:
    May 24, 2010 at 4:49 am

    You are going to be okay. Take my advice. Use the internet or yellow pages and find counseling. You will benefit from it. Believe me, I know.

    Reply
  4. Xenophobic says:
    June 15, 2010 at 2:01 am

    I know exactly how you feel…I wish I could just fade out of the world…but still be here…just to see…idk…to be here…and help those I can…but I want to dissapear…with no one noticing I’m gone. Like just to dissapear from existance…

    Reply

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